Historical Lolcows -

TheYellowKing

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Here's Preston Brooks, a pre-Civil War pro-slavery Democrat Representative who is famous for having beaten Senator Charles Sumner with a cane on the floor of the US Senate. Sumner was an abolitionist Republican, and had been making speeches before government bodies denouncing slavery and the Kansas-Nebraska Act. Brooks almost beat Sumner to death and Sumner couldn't return to Senate for three years.

To be "fair", Sumner did attack one of Brooks' relatives during the speech that inspired the assault, which had occurred two days prior. Brooks wanted to challenge Sumner to a duel, but after talking with one of the bois about dueling etiquette, he decided a duel was unnecessary as dueling was supposed to be between gentleman of equal social class, and to him Sumner was basically on the same level as a homeless drunkard. So, he was going to beat the shit out of him publicly.

Before this, Brooks was expelled from college shortly before graduation due to making firearms threats and challenged future Texas Senator Louis Wigfall to a duel in which he was shot in the leg (and therefore carried a cane for the rest of his life).

Probably not a big cow but I think he should get some kind of lol-status. Maybe a lol-donkey, because Democrat?
Sounds less like a cow and more like someone I want to be friends with.

aimee semple mcpherson, an evangelist turned cult leader who tried to fake her own kidnapping. She's an interesting woman.
Satanic panic gurus are amazing. He's not really historical but check out Ruzz Dizdar, he's a truly exceptional individual who rants about how 100 million satanists are killing tens of thousands of babies every year in the US. He's also got a vigilantes posse who go around harassing senior citizens who they decide are nazi satanist agents.
 

REGENDarySumanai

SOIYA!
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James Joyce? His fart fetish was written in a very lulzy way in love letters he had sent:

It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.
My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you asked me, you naughty girl, and pulled myself off twice upon receiving your letter. I am glad to see that you do like to be fucked arseways.

His non-smut was pretty lulzy as well, what with Finnegan's Wake starting literally mid sentence and Ulysses being almost as impenetrable.
While I'd give Joyce a pass for writing Ulysses (one of Ireland's national epics), it's the 20th century adaptation of Homer's Odyssey with his original characters and his own self insert. Though I do agree that his smut is lulzy in the fact that one of the greatest writers liked seeing girls rip ass in his face.
 
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Clockwork_PurBle

"Shut up, you pretentious kneecap!"
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The Disappearance of Aimee is worth a watch
Bette Davis hated Faye Dunaway so much because Faye was an asshole.

Tbh Faye is her own damn lolcow
"In her memoir This 'n That (1987, Berkley Pub Group), Bette Davis recounted several anecdotes about working on The Disappearance of Aimee. Among them was that her co-star, Faye Dunaway, was one of the most unprofessional people she had ever worked with. Davis stated that Dunaway would show up hours late, not knowing her lines, and being generally difficult. For one of the scenes in the un-air-conditioned tabernacle, over 1800 unpaid extras (locals who had been promised a box lunch and a chance to be in a movie) were left for hours awaiting Dunaway's arrival. When they finally began leaving, Davis rushed to the pulpit and began singing "I've Written a Letter to Daddy," a song from her wildly popular 1962 film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. Hearing her, many returned to their seats in the pews."

Whew lad.

Also, in defense of Aimee, her parents did name her Aimee instead of Amy of Amye.
 
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Holden Caulfield

cancelled girlboss
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"In her memoir This 'n That (1987, Berkley Pub Group), Bette Davis recounted several anecdotes about working on The Disappearance of Aimee. Among them was that her co-star, Faye Dunaway, was one of the most unprofessional people she had ever worked with. Davis stated that Dunaway would show up hours late, not knowing her lines, and being generally difficult. For one of the scenes in the un-air-conditioned tabernacle, over 1800 unpaid extras (locals who had been promised a box lunch and a chance to be in a movie) were left for hours awaiting Dunaway's arrival. When they finally began leaving, Davis rushed to the pulpit and began singing "I've Written a Letter to Daddy," a song from her wildly popular 1962 film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. Hearing her, many returned to their seats in the pews."

Whew lad.

Also, in defense of Aimee, her parents did name her Aimee instead of Amy of Amye.
Bette Davis also had to deal with Joan Crawford as well, I can't imagine that
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"Shut up, you pretentious kneecap!"
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Madalyn Mays Murray O'Hair (1919 - 1995) is a big lolcow. An incredibly euphoric atheist, I'm gonna give an overview in a bullet list.

Her lone redeeming quality is that she at least served in WWII.
  • All her children were by different men, and she named one son, William Murray, after the married guy she had him with (while married herself) and took his surname anyway.
  • Naturally O'Hair was a big advocate of the separation of church and state. What set her apart from other advocates of it was that she was incredibly militant about it, and she earned the nickname "most hated woman in America."
  • There is a rumor she tried to defect to the Soviet Union while in the war, but the Soviets denied she tried to get in.
  • She was a self-proclaimed "militant feminist."
  • In 1960, she filed a lawsuit against the Baltimore Public School System, naming her 14 year old son William as plaintiff, over mandatory prayer in schools being unconstitutional. She won.
  • She allegedly assaulted 5 police officers when they came to her home to retrieve her son William's girlfriend, who was a minor that had ran away from home. William and his girlfriend had a daughter, Robin, together and O'Hair later adopted her as a daughter for X reason.
  • She married an ex-commie, Richard O'Hair, in 1965 who got off because he squealed to the FBI. He was later investigated for falsely claiming to be an FBI agent.
  • In 1963 she founded American Atheists and served as president until 1986, when her son Jon took over (sounds like a monarchy huh).
  • Neil Armstrong was deeply religious and an elder in the Presbyterian Church. On Apollo 11, he and Aldrin had to wait a while before getting out of the ship. During that period, he took Holy Communion. He got cleared to take some bread and wine onto the ship for this. Armstrong thought that it would be cool if this was broadcast, but because O'Hair had shat a brick about something similar months prior, this was vetoed.
  • The thing that O'Hair shat a brick about was the Apollo 8 astronauts reading from the Book of Genesis in space. Their reading the Book was broadcast on Christmas Day 1968. She sued NASA for allowing them to bring the Bible with them on the mission and for daring to broadcast it. Her case was dismissed, but she's the reason why Armstrong even taking the bread and wine up to the moon was kept hush hush.
O'Hair's oldest son, William, in a strange twist, became a Christian in 1980. He later became an ordained Baptist minister and was a social conservative who lobbyied for the aid of Christians in Islamic and communist nations.

When this intellectual who no-doubt preached tolerance found out her son converted to the Big Bad Belief, she said "One could call this a postnatal abortion on the part of a mother, I guess; I repudiate him entirely and completely for now and all times. He is beyond human forgiveness." He became estranged from his mother, brother, and daughter, as they were also militants.
  • 1970 was assmad about the Whitehouse holding religious services.
  • 1972 was assmad that astronauts wanted to read the Bible in space
  • 1977 was assmad that the city council meetings at Austin, TX opened with prayer
  • 1978 was assmad that "In God We Trust" appears on US currency
  • 1979 was assmad that the National Parks allow the Pope to sometimes hold mass at their facilities
  • 1980 was assmad that there was a Nativity scene set up in the rotunda of Austin's capitol building and tried to remove it
  • 1984-1987 was assmad that a tax-funded Iowa county hospital, Broadlawns Medical Center, employed an unordained chaplain
Basically she was assmad that people dared to even think about anything remotely religious outside of a church.
In 1995, O'Hair, her son Garth, and daughter/granddaughter Robin disappeared from their home. They had withdrawn a ton of money from bank accounts. Turns out, a member of American Atheists named David Waters and his girlfriend, who had previously stolen like $50K from the organization, kidnapped the O'Hairs, forced them to withdraw the funds, and dismembered them. They were likely targets because O'Hair had released a hit piece on him about the stolen money and claimed Waters had killed a teen back in the day.

Nothing of value was lost.
 

Plastic Inevitable

Actually not a TERF
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John Whiteside "Jack" Parsons
(born Marvel Whiteside Parsons; October 2, 1914 – June 17, 1952) was an American rocket engineer and rocket propulsion researcher, chemist, and Thelemite occultist.

Parsons was one of the principal founders of both the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and the Aerojet Engineering Corporation. He invented the first rocket engine to use a castable, composite rocket propellant, and pioneered the advancement of both liquid-fuel and solid-fuel rockets.

After a brief involvement with Marxism in 1939, Parsons converted to Thelema, the English occultist Aleister Crowley's new religious movement in 1941, with his first wife Helen Northrup, In 1942, Crowley made him the leader of the Agape Lodge, the Californian branch of the Thelemite Ordo Templi Orientis (O.T.O.).

Parsons was expelled from JPL and Aerojet in 1944 due to the Lodge's infamous reputation and his hazardous workplace conduct.

In 1945 Parsons separated from his wife Helen after having an affair with her 17 year old sister Sara; when Sara left him for L. Ron Hubbard, he conducted the Babalon Working, a series of rituals designed to invoke the Thelemic goddess Babalon to Earth. He and Hubbard continued the procedure with Marjorie Cameron, whom Parsons married in 1946. After Hubbard and Sara defrauded him of his life savings, Parsons resigned from the O.T.O. and held various jobs while acting as a consultant for Israel's rocket program. Amid the climate of McCarthyism, he was accused of espionage and left unable to work in rocketry.

In 1952 Parsons died at the age of 37 in a home laboratory explosion that attracted national media attention; the police ruled it an accident, but many associates suspected suicide or murder.

- In the early 1930s, Parsons and Werner von Braun had hours of telephone conversations about rocketry in their respective countries as well as their own research.

- Parsons, Forman, and Malina often socialized, smoking marijuana and drinking, while Malina and Parsons set about writing a semiautobiographical science fiction screenplay they planned to pitch to Hollywood with strong anti-capitalist and pacifist themes.

- Parsons came to believe in the reality of Thelemic magick as a force that could be explained through quantum physics. Parsons adopted the Thelemic motto of Thelema Obtenteum Proedero Amoris Nuptiae, a Latin mistranslation of "The establishment of Thelema through the rituals of love". The initials of this motto spelled out T.O.P.A.N., also serving as the declaration "To Pan".

- He also became a regular at the Mañana Literary Society, which met in Laurel Canyon at the home of Parsons' friend Robert A. Heinlein and included science fiction writers including Cleve Cartmill, Jack Williamson, and Anthony Boucher.

- He was known for personal eccentricity such as greeting house guests with a large pet snake around his neck, driving to work in a rundown Pontiac, and using a mannequin dressed in a tuxedo with a bucket labelled "The Resident" as his mailbox.

- His wife Helen went away for a period in June 1941, during which Parsons, encouraged to do so by the sexually permissive attitude of the O.T.O., began a sexual relationship with her 17-year-old sister, Sara. Upon Helen's return, Sara asserted that she was Parsons' new wife, and Parsons himself admitted that he found Sara more sexually attractive than Helen. Conflicted in her feelings, Helen sought comfort in then Agape Lodge leader Wilfred Talbot Smith and began a relationship with him that lasted for the rest of his life; the four remained friends.

- The two couples, along with a number of other Thelemites (some of whom with their children), moved to 1003 South Orange Grove Avenue, an American Craftsman-style mansion. They all contributed to the rent of $100 a month and lived communally in what replaced Winona Boulevard as the new base of the Agape Lodge, maintaining an garden allotment and slaughtering their own livestock for meat as well as blood rituals. By 1943, 1003 South Orange Grove Avenue would be known as "the Parsonage."

- The Agape Lodge soon came under investigation by both the Pasadena Police Department and the FBI. Both had received allegations of a "black magic cult" involved in sexual orgies; one complainant was a 16-year-old boy who said that he was raped by lodge members, while neighbors reported a ritual involving a naked pregnant woman jumping through fire. After Parsons explained that the Lodge was simply "an organization dedicated to religious and philosophical speculation", neither agency found evidence of illegal activity and came to the conclusion that the Lodge constituted no threat to national security via Parsons' connection to Aerojet and JPL.

- Having been a long-term heavy user of alcohol and marijuana, Parsons now habitually used cocaine, amphetamines, peyote, mescaline, and opiates as well.

- Science fiction writer and U.S. Navy officer L. Ron Hubbard soon moved into the Parsonage; he and Parsons became close friends. Parsons wrote to Crowley that although Hubbard had "no formal training in Magick he has an extraordinary amount of experience and understanding in the field. From some of his experiences I deduce he is direct touch with some higher intelligence, possibly his Guardian Angel. ... He is the most Thelemic person I have ever met and is in complete accord with our own principles."

- Parsons and Sara were in an open relationship encouraged by the O.T.O.'s polyandrous sexual ethics, and she became enamored with Hubbard; Parsons, despite attempting to repress his passions, became intensely jealous. Motivated to find a new partner through occult means, Parsons began to devote his energies to conducting black magic, causing concern among fellow O.T.O. members who believed that it was invoking troublesome spirits into the Parsonage

- In December 1945 Parsons began a series of rituals based on Enochian magic during which he masturbated onto magical tablets, accompanied by Sergei Prokofiev's Second Violin Concerto. Describing this magical operation as the Babalon Working, he hoped to bring about the incarnation of Thelemite goddess Babalon onto Earth. He allowed Hubbard to take part as his "scribe", believing that he was particularly sensitive to detecting magical phenomena. As described by Richard Metzger, "Parsons jerked off in the name of spiritual advancement" while Hubbard "scanned the astral plane for signs and visions."

- Their final ritual took place in the Mojave Desert in late February 1946, during which Parsons abruptly decided that his undertaking was complete. On returning to the Parsonage he discovered that Marjorie Cameron—an unemployed illustrator and former Navy WAVE—had come to visit. Believing her to be the "elemental" woman and manifestation of Babalon that he had invoked, in early March Parsons began performing sex magic rituals with Cameron, who acted as his "Scarlet Woman", while Hubbard continued to participate as the amanuensis.

- Inspired by Crowley's novel Moonchild (1917), Parsons and Hubbard aimed to magically fertilize a "magical child" through immaculate conception, which when born to a woman somewhere on Earth nine months following the working's completion would become the Thelemic messiah embodying Babalon.

- Parsons co-founded a company called Allied Enterprises with Hubbard and Sara, into which Parsons invested his life savings of $20,970. Hubbard suggested that with this money they travel to Miami to purchase three yachts, which they would then sail through the Panama Canal to the West Coast, where they could sell them on for a profit. Parsons agreed, but many of his friends thought it was a bad idea. Hubbard had secretly requested permission from the U.S. Navy to sail to China and South and Central America on a mission to "collect writing material"; his real plans were for a world cruise.

- Left "flat broke" by this defrauding, Parsons was incensed when he discovered that Hubbard and Sara had left for Miami with $10,000 of the money; he suspected a scam but was placated by a telephone call from Hubbard and agreed to remain business partners. When Crowley, in a telegram to Germer, dismissed Parsons as a "weak fool" and victim to Hubbard and Sara's obvious confidence trick, Parsons changed his mind, flew to Miami and placed a temporary injunction and restraining order on them. Upon tracking them down to a harbor in County Causeway, Parsons discovered that the couple had purchased three yachts as planned; they tried to flee aboard one but hit a squall and were forced to return to port. Parsons was convinced that he had brought them to shore through a lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram containing an astrological, geomantic invocation of Bartzabel—a vengeful spirit of Mars.

- Allied Enterprises was dissolved and in a court settlement Hubbard was required to promise to reimburse Parsons. Parsons was discouraged from taking further action by Sara, who threatened to report him for statutory rape since their sexual relationship took place when she was under California's age of consent of 18. Parsons was ultimately compensated with only $2,900. Hubbard, already married to Margaret Grubb, bigamously married Sara and went on to found Dianetics and Scientology with Sara.

- In December 1969, The Sunday Times published an article about Hubbard's involvement with the O.T.O. and Parsons' occult activities. In response, the Church of Scientology released an unsubstantiated press statement which said that Hubbard had been sent as an undercover agent by the U.S. Navy to intercept and destroy Parsons' "black magic cult", and save Sara from its influence. The Church also stated that Robert A. Heinlein was the clandestine Navy operative who "sent in" Hubbard to undertake this operation.

- In 1949, the FBI stripped Parsons of his security clearances because of his "subversive" character, including his involvement in and advocacy of "sexual perversion" in the O.T.O.

- Unable to pursue his scientific career, without his wife Cameron, and devoid of friendship, Parsons decided to return to occultism and embarked on sexually based magical operations with prostitutes.

- Parsons professed to embody an entity named Belarion Armillus Al Dajjal, the Antichrist "who am come to fulfill the law of the Beast 666 [Aleister Crowley]".

- Through Heinlein, Parsons received a visit from writer L. Sprague de Camp, with whom he discussed magic and science fiction, and disclosed that Hubbard had sent a letter offering him Sara back.

- Parsons testified to a closed federal court that the moral philosophy of Thelema was both anti-fascist and anti-communist, emphasizing his belief in individualism. This along with references from his scientific colleagues resulted in his security clearance being reinstated by the Industrial Employment Review Board, which ruled that there was insufficient evidence that he had ever had communist sympathies. This allowed Parsons to obtain a contract in designing and constructing a chemical plant for the Hughes Aircraft Company in Culver City.

- Von Kármán put Parsons in touch with Herbert T. Rosenfeld, President of the Southern Californian chapter of the American Technion Society—a Zionist group dedicated to supporting the newly created State of Israel. Rosenfeld offered Parsons a job with the Israeli rocket program and hired him to produce technical reports for them. In November 1950, as the Red Scare intensified, Parsons decided to migrate to Israel to pursue Rosenfeld's offer, but a Hughes secretary whom Parsons had asked to type up a portfolio of technical documents reported him to the FBI. She accused Parsons of espionage and attempted theft of classified company documents on the basis of some of the reports that he had sought to submit to the Technion Society.

- Parsons was immediately fired from Hughes; the FBI investigated the complaint and were suspicious that Parsons was spying for the Israeli government. Parsons denied the allegations when interrogated; he insisted that his intentions were peaceful and that he had suffered an error of judgment in procuring the documents. Some of Parsons' scientific colleagues rallied to his defense, but the case against him worsened when the FBI investigated Rosenfeld for being linked to Soviet agents, and more accounts of his occult and sexually permissive activities at the Parsonage came to light.

- Parsons reconciled with Cameron, and they resumed their relationship and moved into a former coach house on Orange Grove Avenue. Parsons converted its large, first-floor laundry room into a home laboratory to work on his chemical and pyrotechnic projects, homebrew absinthe, and stockpile his materials.

- In 1952, Parsons and Cameron decided to travel to Mexico for a few months, both for a vacation and for Parsons to take up a job opportunity establishing an explosives factory for the Mexican government. They hoped that this would facilitate a move to Israel, where they could start a family, and where Parsons could bypass the U.S. government to recommence his rocketry career.

- On June 17, 1952, a day before their planned departure, Parsons received a rush order of explosives for a film set and began to work on it in his home laboratory. An explosion destroyed the lower part of the building, during which Parsons sustained mortal wounds. His right forearm was amputated, his legs and left arm were broken and a hole was torn in the right side of his face. Despite these critical injuries, Parsons was found conscious by the upstairs lodgers. He tried to communicate with the arriving ambulance workers, who rushed him to the Huntington Memorial Hospital, where he was declared dead approximately thirty-seven minutes after the explosion.

- When his mother, Ruth, learned of his death she immediately took a fatal overdose of barbiturates.

- Pasadena Police Department criminologist Don Harding led the official investigation; he concluded that Parsons had been mixing fulminate of mercury in a coffee can when he dropped it on the floor, causing the initial explosion, which worsened when it came into contact with other chemicals in the room. Forman considered this likely, stating that Parsons often had sweaty hands and could easily have dropped the can.

- Harding found a morphine-filled syringe at the scene, suggesting that Parsons was narcotized. The police saw insufficient evidence to continue the investigation and closed the case as an accidental death.

- Both Wolfe and Smith suggested that Parsons' death had been suicide, stating that he had suffered from depression for some time.

- Others theorized that the explosion was an assassination planned by Howard Hughes in response to Parsons' suspected theft of Hughes Aircraft Company documents.

- Cameron became convinced that Parsons had been murdered — either by police officers seeking vengeance for his role in the conviction of Earl Kynette or by anti-Zionists opposed to his work for Israel.

- One of Cameron's friends, the artist Renate Druks, later stated her belief that Parsons had died in a rite designed to create a homunculus.

- His death has never been definitively explained.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"Shut up, you pretentious kneecap!"
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Buckle-up folks I just remembered a prime cut of cow while browsing the "Serial Killer Fans" thread.

Rosalie Martinez Bolin (1959 - Present) literally left it all behind to marry a death row inmate. Was he on death row just for murder? Nope. Along with killing 3, he also had a history of rape. Naturally, this bitch thinks he dindunuffin.

Rosalie Martinez was a Tampa socialite married to one of the best defense lawyers in the state, a Victor D. Martinez, and had four daughters with him. Victor was from a prominent branch of Martinezes (or Martinezs?). They lived in a mansion, she had a 6-carat diamond ring, fancy cars, clothes, the whole nine yards. Rosalie worked in law as well, as a paralegal to a public defender that was appointed to defend Oscar Ray Bolin. When she met Bolin she was apparently like "OMG I have to save this man" (he was gonna be up for death penalty) and somehow fell in love with a rapist murderer. Naturally, she's anti-death penalty.

She then abandoned her husband, four daughters, and lifestyle to spend every waking minute on his case and on him. She immediately lost custody of her kids for obvious reasons and was apparently fired from her position at a firm because she was neglecting her other cases in favor of his. They got married over the phone and it was televised for an audience of 12 million.

Get this. He was put on trial 11 times (imagine how much tax money was wasted on this bullshit) and found guilty each time. They have DNA evidence pointing him to the murders, every one of them, and many rapes. The only thing overturned for him was a death penalty he was sentenced to for one girl because of a legal error, but he still got second degree murder for that. But he dindunuffin.
So there's this archive site called Murderpedia that catalogs murders, serial killers, trials, and the like. They have a page on Oscar. The site reports that Rosalie wrote to the site assmad with,

"My name has never been "Rosie" and I am not 'strangely idiotic' -- Oscar has one conviction -- and has not been tried on other two cases -- he is not a suspected serial killer -- he has been kicked out of the club! I want my husband's name taken off (The Serial Killer Hit List) -- Rosalie Bolin."

A site visitor by the screen name of Cupcake also wrote in:

During the trials in the early 90's I was training to be a victim advocate. I was privileged to sit with and "support" the parents of the 3 women Bolin murdered. I was present during the first trial AND the 1st retrial of Terry Lynn Matthews. I was present when Rosalie Martinez was evicted from the court room for "trying" to intimidate Bolin's half-brother while he was testifying. (it was quite heartening for the mother of Matthews I might add) I just finished reading her ridiculous letter to this site saying he was only tried for the one murder and was not a serial killer. In fact, I nearly fell off my chair. He has been tried AND convicted 6 (maybe 7 times for Christ's sake)

When I think of Rosalie Martinez Bolin I can't help but remember her truly outrageous statement of "I feel pretty" when 20/20 asked her what in the world could she possibly be thinking marrying this headcase. I wonder how pretty SHE would feel with a tire iron across her head. And lets not forget that the tire iron was only used because Bolin's stabbing and drowning didn't kill Matthews. How pretty she would be. On behalf of all of us women out here, I would like to make a collective sigh of relief that he is not on the streets. Perhaps THAT is why Martinez is hopping around making noise? She's safe. Sit down and shut up sweetheart. Your 15 minutes are over, and I will say an extra prayer tonight that your soon to be dearly departed will get a "date" soon.​
Oscar Ray Bolin was executed on January 7, 2016 and pronounced dead at 10: 16 P.M., but not before a four hour delay for another potential appeal. 36 witnesses watched and the parents of his victims were there.

Guys, I know investigators and cops and witnesses and lawyers can be wrong, and DNA in the 90s wasn't as good as it is today, but after 11 trials, I'm pretty sure that asshole is guilty.

He was not even that good looking. RIP in piss.
 

WarJams

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On the subject of serial killers, I've been reading about Dr. Henry Howard Holmes (Powerword: Herman Webster Mudgett), who is credited to being the first American serial killer near the turn of the previous century. H. H. Holmes was Horrorcow through and through. He was a thief, a conman, a liar, a bigamist, and a prolific murderer. He murdered innumerable people in a makeshift hotel he had built in Chicago to prey on people attending the city for the 1893 World Fair. Estimates are anywhere between two dozen to two hundred people. He confessed to 27 murders, but some of the people he confessed to killing were actually still alive, as his confession was mostly just a way to bilk money out of the Hearst media dynasty. He fucked countless contractors out of money for building his "hotel" for him, tying himself up in lawsuits, because he had a habit of firing the contractors and furnishers after they built certain portions. In this way nobody would know the entire true floorplan of the building, which was built like a carnival mad house with secret passages, fake doors and windows, sound-proofing, gas chambers and trap chutes that led to two different incinerators or acid vats in the basement. He would sell the victim's skeletons to medical schools after dissecting them, using his connections from medical school. The hotel burned down in an act of arson, and after the insurance company suspected fraud he fled to Texas.

In Texas he started to rebuild his operation, but was arrested for trying to sell shit that had a mortgage taken out on it. In prison he devised a plan to fake his own death. He told his cellmate this, and offered to cut him in on the life insurance payout if he helped him get a "trustworthy" lawyer. The scheme didn't work, so instead he convinced a couple to try the same scheme, but not wanting to risk failing this time he actually murdered the husband. He collected the money, and he than began to murder the couple's children over the course of a long trip to Canada. He eventually was arrested in Boston, but the police had difficulty holding him until they discovered he had a warrant in Texas for stealing a horse. And then his former Texan cellmate, who never received any money from the failed faked-death and was salty about it, ratted him out.

He was tried and convicted of murder, and sentenced to die by hanging. His neck was not snapped when he swung. He died by a slow asphyxiation over about 15 minutes.

He was entombed in concrete, because he didn't want anyone doing to his body what he had done to all of his victims.
 
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din365

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I wouldn't say these historical figures themselves would be the LOLcows, but the modern-day fanbase of these historical figures would be the lolcows themselves.

Fredrick D. Roosevelt. Every modern-day commie sucking this guy's dusty dick because he basically extorted the SCOTUS into letting him push his socialist programs, all while he threw Japanese into concentration camps and sent Trump's Chosen People back to Germany to basically die at the hands of Hitler. Don't worry. the Compassionate liberal party in Canada took them in, right? LOL! no. Liberal prime minister William Lyon McKenzie king sent them back to the gas chambers. RB Bennett tried the same BS as FDR but the courts were like "yeah fuck you that's not happening", but liberals hate him because "he wasn't a liberal" and lampoon him for his economic record. This was also the time where the KKK was heavily involved with the democrats, so these commies are defending a KKK-loving president that threw Japanese people into camps and sent Trump's Chosen People to their death because he gave them some free shit.

It is the same thing with Che Guevara. He murdered women, minorities, and homosexuals, but the radical leftists love the shit out of him because he tried to fight for the free shit brigade.

And don't worry. I got one lolcow from north of the U.S border I can share with you and can let you look up for these hilarious blunders.

Jean Chretien.
-He talks like he had a complete stroke. So, here are some highlights of what Mr. Greer the wondertard has done just because it was a language barrier or something:
-He once blundered when a reporter asked what Chretien asked what he thought about drugs coming across the border. Chretien thought he said "trucks" and answered that it was "free trade".(sorry. there is no link to this one)
-Another reporter asked him in 2002 what he thought about the leader of Hezballah, he literally replied "who is he. i don't know"
-And then there is this blunder., Chretien said all of "the U.S politicians would be in jail if they did business here", while a few years later his party was caught in a gigantic scandal of stealing taxpayer's cash for their own party and breaking laws. he ran off and left paul martin holding the bag on that one

And then there was the Shawinigan handshake. Some anti-poverty protester got in his face, and Chretien grabbed him by the throat and tossed him aside and then threw another idiot with a megaphone aside.
 
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Army Burger

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I wouldn't say these historical figures themselves would be the LOLcows, but the modern-day fanbase of these historical figures would be the lolcows themselves.

Fredrick D. Roosevelt. Every modern-day commie sucking this guy's dusty dick because he basically extorted the SCOTUS into letting him push his socialist programs, all while he threw Japanese into concentration camps and sent Trump's Chosen People back to Germany to basically die at the hands of Hitler. Don't worry. the Compassionate liberal party in Canada took them in, right? LOL! no. Liberal prime minister William Lyon McKenzie king sent them back to the gas chambers. RB Bennett tried the same BS as FDR but the courts were like "yeah fuck you that's not happening", but liberals hate him because "he wasn't a liberal" and lampoon him for his economic record. This was also the time where the KKK was heavily involved with the democrats, so these commies are defending a KKK-loving president that threw Japanese people into camps and sent Trump's Chosen People to their death because he gave them some free shit.

It is the same thing with Che Guevara. He murdered women, minorities, and homosexuals, but the radical leftists love the shit out of him because he tried to fight for the free shit brigade.

And don't worry. I got one lolcow from north of the U.S border I can share with you and can let you look up for these hilarious blunders.

Jean Chretien.
-He talks like he had a complete stroke. So, here are some highlights of what Mr. Greer the wondertard has done just because it was a language barrier or something:
-He once blundered when a reporter asked what Chretien asked what he thought about drugs coming across the border. Chretien thought he said "trucks" and answered that it was "free trade".(sorry. there is no link to this one)
-Another reporter asked him in 2002 what he thought about the leader of Hezballah, he literally replied "who is he. i don't know"
-And then there is this blunder., Chretien said all of "the U.S politicians would be in jail if they did business here", while a few years later his party was caught in a gigantic scandal of stealing taxpayer's cash for their own party and breaking laws. he ran off and left paul martin holding the bag on that one

And then there was the Shawinigan handshake. Some anti-poverty protester got in his face, and Chretien grabbed him by the throat and tossed him aside and then threw another idiot with a megaphone aside.
Chretien a lolcow? If anything, the Shawinigan handshake was a pretty chad move on his part.
 

din365

kiwifarms.net
:thinking:

I don't think a four term President who marched to victory over the bones of his enemies is a lolcow. They had to amend the Constitution just to stop anyone from doing that again.
I prefaced that it wasn't FDR himself that I would consider a lolcow, but the modern-day fanbois of FDR that would be the LOLcow themselves just frm the sheer fact of what he did and what his modern day fanbois claim to be against.


Chretien a lolcow? If anything, the Shawinigan handshake was a pretty chad move on his part.
yeah, but he was a verbal blunder after verbal bunder because of a language barrier is why I would consider him a lolcow in spite of his 1 chad move. I will admit that he has way less blunders under his 10 years as PM than our current PM has and a better economy to boot, so I will say he's just a bit over the line for LOLcow, but not much.
 

Army Burger

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I prefaced that it wasn't FDR himself that I would consider a lolcow, but the modern-day fanbois of FDR that would be the LOLcow themselves just frm the sheer fact of what he did and what his modern day fanbois claim to be against.



yeah, but he was a verbal blunder after verbal bunder because of a language barrier is why I would consider him a lolcow in spite of his 1 chad move. I will admit that he has way less blunders under his 10 years as PM than our current PM has and a better economy to boot, so I will say he's just a bit over the line for LOLcow, but not much.
Tbh I don't mind Chretien's "A proof is a proof is a proof is a proof" moments, I find them endearing. As for the current PM, we'll have to wait and see if he'll have a true lolcow legacy.
 
Saint Benedict, who started the Benedictines and wrote The Rule of Saint Benedict.

He was such a coomer that he went to live in the woods like a hermit. He once got so horny, hiding out there praying all day, that he headed into town to buy a whore. Along the way he saw a bramble patch, and in order to keep himself from breaking his No Nut November streak, threw himself into the brambles and cut himself up bad. Then, every time he thought about sex, he'd remember the brambles and feel pain (negative conditioning).
 

GethN7

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Saint Benedict, who started the Benedictines and wrote The Rule of Saint Benedict.

He was such a coomer that he went to live in the woods like a hermit. He once got so horny, hiding out there praying all day, that he headed into town to buy a whore. Along the way he saw a bramble patch, and in order to keep himself from breaking his No Nut November streak, threw himself into the brambles and cut himself up bad. Then, every time he thought about sex, he'd remember the brambles and feel pain (negative conditioning).
I am biased cause I'm Christian, but that's an arguable example. Sure, the method he chose to keep his chastity was a bit nuts, but he was so devoted to his beliefs he'd rather suffer self-inflicted agony rather than violate his own principles.
 

din365

kiwifarms.net
Tbh I don't mind Chretien's "A proof is a proof is a proof is a proof" moments, I find them endearing. As for the current PM, we'll have to wait and see if he'll have a true lolcow legacy.
Well he's off to a good start. he's trying to help a middle class he can't identify, handouts to a tax cheat, caught doing blackface on 3 separate occasions, NDA because he stuck his dick in a minor when he taught at an academy, claims to be a feminist and then yells at a black lady, groped a reporter in 2001, fired a female attorney general when she refused to let a corrupt company off the hook(which got convicted), let a convicted terrorist in with a foreign leader(India), China calls him "little potato" and has ignored him, stumbles around conventions because the leaders don't even want anything to do with him(there's youtube videos of that)

He's not yaniv-level lowcow, but damnit heès trying!
 
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