Historical Lolcows -

Jah Hates Kaffirs

Just a wee bit drunk
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I nominate the orchestrator of the Cambodian genocide, Pol Pot.

He's probably better defined as a horrorcow, being a paranoid and genocidal Dear Leader. Pol Pot was basically the culmination of many failures of many communist regimes at 10x speed, with his rule only lasting about 3.5 years.

Fun facts:
- Removed citizens from major cities to work as farmers regardless of skillset
- Outlawed all forms of entertainment(sports stadiums became rice fields), being intelligent or educated in any way prior to Party rule, and free-thinking(never go full Orwellian)
- Obligatory purges of those pesky wrong-thinkers. Total casualties of approximately 1.7 million+ of his own citizens, with an estimated 60% being executions.
- Obligatory "my entire nation is farmers and yet there is not enough food" of any true communist regime, resulting in an estimated 300,000 deaths due to starvation.
- Big brain, forward thinking stipulations for the purges: anyone with an educated profession, multilingual people, people with glasses, and literate people are obviously traitors to the Party and must be immediately executed en masse.
- Poor peasants were given standard rations while former urbanites were given half, no exceptions(that includes you, greedy infants!)
- Legacy includes leaving the country in a state of civil war/turmoil and setting it back in every measurable way for decades after his forceful ousting
- This all took place in 3.5 years with a total population loss between 20% to 25%.


The humor I find in this is that his ousting was his own fault due to his paranoid purging. He purged his military of 100,000 people that were protecting the border with Vietnam, allowing the Vietnamese to take the capital in 13 days.

Also, the general humor of what I stated before, that he went full Orwellian very quickly and hit like every stereotypical communist regime failing in record time. Possibly a WR communism speedrun, at least top 5 I'd guess, on EntireNation%
At one point Pol Pot executed every man with glasses or a watch as they were signs of intellectualism.
 

Syaoran Li

An Outlaw Forever, Forever An Outlaw
True & Honest Fan
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Benito Mussolini was the ultimate lolcow. I can’t think of an arrogant retard to have been given as much power as he was.

“Let’s rebuild the Roman Empire”
fails at literally everything he does

Mussolini was the kind of guy who could only get into power in the time and place he did. Europe was a total clusterfuck after World War I and the only countries that weren't completely turbo-fucked by it were England, France, and the neutral countries like Spain and Sweden who were just far enough away from the actual combat to be unaffected.

The Russian Revolution was a bloody nightmare and everyone was rightfully scared of commies after Lenin's tyrannical rampage in Russia along with the murder of Nicholas II and his kids and the genocide of the kulaks. Being anti-communist was one of the best ways to get ahead in a lot of Europe post-WWI and Mussolini was an ex-communist who turned to fascism when he saw just how utterly bugfuck insane Marxism was and the kind of people who were most likely to be Marxists.

Benito Mussolini was a natural showman and he had a lot of charisma in his younger days, and since he had the knowledge of Marxist thought yet clung to the ideology of fascism which was explicitly anti-communist but also was willing to support social programs for the poor, he got a large following.

The March on Rome could have easily been crushed if King Victor Emmanuel III had not agreed to negotiate, but since the House of Savoy was afraid of a violent communist uprising like the one that destroyed the House of Romanov, he agreed to let Mussolini have emergency powers and Italy became a fascist country in 1922.

Mussolini probably would have done alright had he not gotten in bed with Hitler and instead just focused his views on the domestic front after the Italo-Ethiopian War. His own delusions of grandeur doomed him. Had he stayed neutral like Franco, he would've been remembered as a petty despot who kept the trains on time and a minor alt-right hero like Franco and Pinochet but now he's more or less seen as the Sonny to Hitler's Cher, the Oates to his Hall, the Garfunkel to his Simon, the Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.
 

Ginger Piglet

Burglar of Jess Phillips MP
True & Honest Fan
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Who is still dead, btw.

Anyhow. Back on track. Saparmurat Niyazov.

Saparmurat_Niyazov_in_2002.jpg


A failed electrical engineer, he was born in 1940 in Turkmenistan (then part of the Soviet Union) and studied in Leningrad before undergoing academic failure. In 1962 he joined the Party, returned to Turkmenistan, and began failing upwards. By the collapse of the Soviet Union he was in charge of the Turkmen SSR (the sub-national entity that is now Turkmenistan) and when he supported the failed Soviet coup attempt of 1991, he realised his card may be marked, so declared independence. He then went utterly bonkers and in the post-Communist ideology he started to foster a version of Turkmen culture that was defined by being "not Soviet." Thus, Cyrillic script was banned and replaced with Latin script with loads of diacritical marks, and the insanity truly began.

- Not content with being President for Life and Generalissimo, he had himself declared Turkmenbashi. Literally, "Father of All Turkmen."
- He changed two of the months of the year to his name, his mother's name (Gurbansoltan Eje), and also changed the word for "bread" to his mother's name also.
- He wrote a book called the Ruhnama, which was basically the sacred text of a religion that he made up and in which he was God. He then made it compulsory in all schools, universities, and the ability to recite passages from it was required to get a driving licence. According to Wikipedia, "there is an enormous mechanical statue of the book in Ashgabat, the country's capital. Each evening at 8:00 pm, the cover opens and a recording of a passage from the book is played with accompanying video."
- In 2004 he saw the Bond film "Die Another Day" in which the climax is set in an ice palace. He ordered that one be built forthwith, in the mountains above the capital of Ashgabat. Which is one of the hottest and driest locations on earth.
- He erected a statue of himself that always faces the sun.
- He decreed that 2 August every year be henceforth celebrated as "Melon Day." For some reason this seems to have actually caught on. I suspect it started with Central Asian memeing and then became real.
- All libraries were closed. His rationale? The only books any self-respecting Turkmen needed were the Qur'an and his own Ruhnama. And the former was probably only included because of a grandfather clause.
- All hospitals were closed until all their staff swore an oath to him personally.
- Human rights legislation was passed, and then roundly ignored.
- Opera, ballet, classical music, recorded music, and lip-synching to the latter were all banned.
- Dentistry was banned. Instead people were encouraged to chew bones to develop healthy teeth.
- Dogs were banned from the capital for being smelly.
- Newsreaders were banned from wearing makeup. Apparently he had difficulty telling male and female newsreaders apart if the women wore makeup.

Despite this, he was able to garner favourable foreign relations with Western powers even as they criticised his human rights record or lack thereof. Why?

Why do you think. Oil, of course.
 

Swiss46

Existing
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Boston Corbett, the man who killed John Wilkes Booth, was amazingly crazy. He self castrated to protect himself from hookers while street preaching before joining the union army. Once his superior officer had him arrested because Boston insisted on calling out everyone who cursed near him, including his commander. He killed Booth despite having orders to take him alive.

After the war he went more insane due to his job as a hatter involving mercury and developed a habit of brandishing his guns at people he didn't trust (everyone). Eventually he was put in to an asylum, but he did escape before disappearing from history.
 

Doctor Placebo

Bloody, bloody 2020.
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Mussolini was the kind of guy who could only get into power in the time and place he did. Europe was a total clusterfuck after World War I and the only countries that weren't completely turbo-fucked by it were England, France, and the neutral countries like Spain and Sweden who were just far enough away from the actual combat to be unaffected.

The Russian Revolution was a bloody nightmare and everyone was rightfully scared of commies after Lenin's tyrannical rampage in Russia along with the murder of Nicholas II and his kids and the genocide of the kulaks. Being anti-communist was one of the best ways to get ahead in a lot of Europe post-WWI and Mussolini was an ex-communist who turned to fascism when he saw just how utterly bugfuck insane Marxism was and the kind of people who were most likely to be Marxists.

Benito Mussolini was a natural showman and he had a lot of charisma in his younger days, and since he had the knowledge of Marxist thought yet clung to the ideology of fascism which was explicitly anti-communist but also was willing to support social programs for the poor, he got a large following.

The March on Rome could have easily been crushed if King Victor Emmanuel III had not agreed to negotiate, but since the House of Savoy was afraid of a violent communist uprising like the one that destroyed the House of Romanov, he agreed to let Mussolini have emergency powers and Italy became a fascist country in 1922.

Mussolini probably would have done alright had he not gotten in bed with Hitler and instead just focused his views on the domestic front after the Italo-Ethiopian War. His own delusions of grandeur doomed him. Had he stayed neutral like Franco, he would've been remembered as a petty despot who kept the trains on time and a minor alt-right hero like Franco and Pinochet but now he's more or less seen as the Sonny to Hitler's Cher, the Oates to his Hall, the Garfunkel to his Simon, the Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.
People forget that Mussolini was actually a fairly respected leader before things started to go south in WW2 for him. He successfully conquered Abyssinia (not that impressive a feat considering that many of the Ethiopian soldiers had spears instead of rifles, but still better than his predecessors in WW1) and got Hitler to stand down during the first attempted Nazi takeover of Austria. Think about that. Hitler backed down to Mussolini. Then he actually went toe to toe with other modernized nations and his military turned out to be a complete paper tiger.

Nobody has mentioned Eldridge Cleaver yet, so I'll just copy-paste what I wrote about him on the "Dead Celebrities who would have had threads" thread:

Co-founder of the Black Panther Party. Pre-BPP he did hard prison time for "rape insurrection" (IE-raping women as a revolutionary act, he planned to take his rape war to white women but he mostly "practiced" on black women before getting arrested). "Reformed" into a commie in prison, shilled for North Korea when he got out, and sold "Cleaver Pants" that had a black cock sock on the crotch because he believed normal pants were clothing castration. Became a conservative Mormon later in life, but never kicked his crack habit.
 

ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ Pander

Panda Tech
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People forget that Mussolini was actually a fairly respected leader before things started to go south in WW2 for him. He successfully conquered Abyssinia (not that impressive a feat considering that many of the Ethiopian soldiers had spears instead of rifles, but still better than his predecessors in WW1) and got Hitler to stand down during the first attempted Nazi takeover of Austria. Think about that. Hitler backed down to Mussolini. Then he actually went toe to toe with other modernized nations and his military turned out to be a complete paper tiger.

Nobody has mentioned Eldridge Cleaver yet, so I'll just copy-paste what I wrote about him on the "Dead Celebrities who would have had threads" thread:

Co-founder of the Black Panther Party. Pre-BPP he did hard prison time for "rape insurrection" (IE-raping women as a revolutionary act, he planned to take his rape war to white women but he mostly "practiced" on black women before getting arrested). "Reformed" into a commie in prison, shilled for North Korea when he got out, and sold "Cleaver Pants" that had a black cock sock on the crotch because he believed normal pants were clothing castration. Became a conservative Mormon later in life, but never kicked his crack habit.

If this isn't peak grifting, I don't know what is.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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People forget that Mussolini was actually a fairly respected leader before things started to go south in WW2 for him. He successfully conquered Abyssinia (not that impressive a feat considering that many of the Ethiopian soldiers had spears instead of rifles, but still better than his predecessors in WW1) and got Hitler to stand down during the first attempted Nazi takeover of Austria. Think about that. Hitler backed down to Mussolini. Then he actually went toe to toe with other modernized nations and his military turned out to be a complete paper tiger.

Nobody has mentioned Eldridge Cleaver yet, so I'll just copy-paste what I wrote about him on the "Dead Celebrities who would have had threads" thread:

Co-founder of the Black Panther Party. Pre-BPP he did hard prison time for "rape insurrection" (IE-raping women as a revolutionary act, he planned to take his rape war to white women but he mostly "practiced" on black women before getting arrested). "Reformed" into a commie in prison, shilled for North Korea when he got out, and sold "Cleaver Pants" that had a black cock sock on the crotch because he believed normal pants were clothing castration. Became a conservative Mormon later in life, but never kicked his crack habit.
I've read many old Fascist leaders gradually lost respect for him when he started simping for Hitler. That was one of the big reasons they ousted him during the war.
In the last years, he was also derisively called the Gauleiter (Nazi Regional Leader) of Lombardy.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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a7878e2a836fdb597ce18195061fb9bd.jpg

Lybia's former "Brotherly leader" Muammar Gaddafi.
I mean, just look how he paraded around.
1200px-Muammar_al-Gaddafi_at_the_AU_summit.jpg
colonel-gadaffi-qaddafi-kaddafi.jpg

His style varied between ridiculous Arab style clothes considered laughable even by fellow bedouins leaders; and military uniforms he explicitly admitted being inspired from those wore by Mussolini - the guy who oppressed Lybia when it was an Italian colony.

Among his lolcow traits we find him having an harem of trained female virgin bodyguards, being universally rude to any world leader who'd try to deal with him, openly pissing in his own pool (a la Hector Salamanca), and sleeping outside in a bulletproof bedouin tent when he traveled abroad - he even got in a crush with Donald Trump's estate regulations when he did this in New York.

Fun fact - he gave and kept the relatively low rank of Colonel (imitating Nasser), so military leaders in his country rarely got promoted to General rank and even then only in the latter years.
 

Anja Din

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View attachment 1659363
Lybia's former "Brotherly leader" Muammar Gaddafi.
I mean, just look how he paraded around.
View attachment 1659365View attachment 1659372
His style varied between ridiculous Arab style clothes considered laughable even by fellow bedouins leaders; and military uniforms he explicitly admitted being inspired from those wore by Mussolini - the guy who oppressed Lybia when it was an Italian colony.

Among his lolcow traits we find him having an harem of trained female virgin bodyguards, being universally rude to any world leader who'd try to deal with him, openly pissing in his own pool (a la Hector Salamanca), and sleeping outside in a bulletproof bedouin tent when he traveled abroad - he even got in a crush with Donald Trump's estate regulations when he did this in New York.

Fun fact - he gave and kept the relatively low rank of Colonel (imitating Nasser), so military leaders in his country rarely got promoted to General rank and even then only in the latter years.
There are more lolcows to his family.

His son, Saadi Gaddafi, strong armed his way into an Italian football career and ended up getting extradited for murder of a coach and is now in Libya. I could have sworn there was a thread on Saadi but I can’t find it now.
 

Syaoran Li

An Outlaw Forever, Forever An Outlaw
True & Honest Fan
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View attachment 1659363
Lybia's former "Brotherly leader" Muammar Gaddafi.
I mean, just look how he paraded around.
View attachment 1659365View attachment 1659372
His style varied between ridiculous Arab style clothes considered laughable even by fellow bedouins leaders; and military uniforms he explicitly admitted being inspired from those wore by Mussolini - the guy who oppressed Lybia when it was an Italian colony.

Among his lolcow traits we find him having an harem of trained female virgin bodyguards, being universally rude to any world leader who'd try to deal with him, openly pissing in his own pool (a la Hector Salamanca), and sleeping outside in a bulletproof bedouin tent when he traveled abroad - he even got in a crush with Donald Trump's estate regulations when he did this in New York.

Fun fact - he gave and kept the relatively low rank of Colonel (imitating Nasser), so military leaders in his country rarely got promoted to General rank and even then only in the latter years.

I'll be honest, Gaddafi always dressed like he was a DeviantArt OC for JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.

Of all the Middle Eastern dictators, he's probably one of the most flamboyant but was less of a lolcow than Saddam or the theocracies in Saudi Arabia and Iran.
 

ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ Pander

Panda Tech
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I'll be honest, Gaddafi always dressed like he was a DeviantArt OC for JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.

Of all the Middle Eastern dictators, he's probably one of the most flamboyant but was less of a lolcow than Saddam or the theocracies in Saudi Arabia and Iran.

After watching dank's video on Uday Hussein, I can only imagine how much of a horrorcow Saddam would be.
 

Ginger Piglet

Burglar of Jess Phillips MP
True & Honest Fan
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After watching dank's video on Uday Hussein, I can only imagine how much of a horrorcow Saddam would be.

You have no idea. You know the stories about torturing dissidents by drilling holes in their bones, boiling water enemas, having women raped on camera and then the rape tape used to blackmail them further, and execution by acid bath?

They're not stories.

Just because the Nurse Nayirah testimony was fabricated out of whole cloth doesn't mean the Ba'ath regime wasn't utterly brutal and depraved.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"The flames, my sweet, will not hurt you."
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Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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Why don't people get that Holden Caulfield was an asshole and a lolcow, sort of like Salinger himself? Mark David Chapman is exactly the kind of asshole who would worship that jackass.
Oh boy.
Salinger was a special kind of asshole and lolcow.
He wanted to stay away from everyone and everything, and that's fine.
What was not fine was him luring teenage girls to live with him when he was already a 40-50 years old man.
He made his wife and his children live completely isolated and he drove the wife and the daughter mad.
He was something of a sex freak in the sense that he'd rarely have sex with his women but would just "allow" them to give him oral sex.
The fuckery started before he became famous: apparently when he was 20 he started dating a 14 years old girl. They had sex when she turned 18 and he dumped her right after.
 

Pointless Pedant

Breaking the chains of gravity
True & Honest Fan
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All of the French """intellectuals""" who signed the French Petition Against Age of Consent are lolcattle (Sartre, Beauvoir. etc.). Honestly most "intellectuals" have some lolcow tendencies, usually because they're sexual deviants.
If by "intellectuals" you mean communists then yes, because communism is a pretty non-functional worldview in practice so people who follow it tend to be a bit crazy (Chapo Trap House, Vaush, etc). Non-communist intellectuals like Freeman Dyson and Roger Penrose aren't at all lolcowish though.
People forget that Mussolini was actually a fairly respected leader before things started to go south in WW2 for him. He successfully conquered Abyssinia (not that impressive a feat considering that many of the Ethiopian soldiers had spears instead of rifles, but still better than his predecessors in WW1) and got Hitler to stand down during the first attempted Nazi takeover of Austria. Think about that. Hitler backed down to Mussolini. Then he actually went toe to toe with other modernized nations and his military turned out to be a complete paper tiger.

Nobody has mentioned Eldridge Cleaver yet, so I'll just copy-paste what I wrote about him on the "Dead Celebrities who would have had threads" thread:

Co-founder of the Black Panther Party. Pre-BPP he did hard prison time for "rape insurrection" (IE-raping women as a revolutionary act, he planned to take his rape war to white women but he mostly "practiced" on black women before getting arrested). "Reformed" into a commie in prison, shilled for North Korea when he got out, and sold "Cleaver Pants" that had a black cock sock on the crotch because he believed normal pants were clothing castration. Became a conservative Mormon later in life, but never kicked his crack habit.
Mussolini's invasion of Ethiopia stalled, took several months, and only succeeded once he unleashed mustard gas on them. Even then there was asymmetrical warfare against Italy throughout the occupation.

Italy didn't really modernise until after the war in the Italian economic miracle. The whole idea of fascist efficiency is propaganda.
 
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