Historical Lolcows -

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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A while back I talked about Ricardo Lopez, the Björk stalker. A similar cow to him would be Robert John Bardo.

Bardo’s case is honestly more tragic than Lopez’s. In Lopez’s case, his family had a feeling that something was wrong with him, and tried to reach out and help him. He brushed them off and assured them that everything was fine, and they didn’t learn the true extent of everything until it was too late. Bardo, however, did not have the luxury of a family who gave a shit. He was a very intelligent young man and did well in school, but was plagued by both mental illness and an abusive family. He was institutionalized at age 15 and never got to finish high school, which meant that he had trouble getting a job.

While working an unfulfilling job as a janitor, he came across the short-lived sitcom, My Sister Sam. He became enamored with one of the lead actresses, Rebecca Schaeffer, and began stalking her. He tried on two separate occasions to visit the set of the show, the first time with a giant teddy bear and the second with a knife. Both times he was turned away by security. He also wrote Schaeffer numerous fan letters. On at least one occasion, she actually answered him back thanking him for his support and telling him that his letter was one of the nicest she’d ever gotten. In hindsight, this was a huge mistake on her part, but there’s no way she could have possibly known this at the time. Seeing as how Senpai had noticed him, Bardo believed that his feelings were reciprocated and he and Schaeffer were meant to be together.

Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending. Much like how Ricardo Lopez took it as a personal offense when Björk began dating someone (“she’s fucking a nigger!”), Bardo became furious when he saw that Schaeffer had appeared in a sex scene in a movie. Declaring that she’d “lost her innocence” and became “another Hollywood whore,” he hired a private investigator to find out where she lived.

On July 18, 1989, Bardo paid Schaeffer a visit. She had been preparing for an audition for The Godfather Part III, so she answered the door, thinking he was there to drop off her script. Schaeffer was a sweet person, so she told Bardo in the kindest way possible to fuck off and never come back. He left, but returned an hour later. Schaeffer, seeing that it was him again, was not too thrilled and was presumably going to tell him in much plainer terms that he was a creep and she wanted nothing to do with him. Sadly, she never got the chance as Bardo shot her in the chest. He considered shooting himself too so that he’d fall down and die on top of her, but pussed out and just left. Schaeffer was rushed to the hospital but died thirty minutes after arriving.

Bardo was arrested after he was found wandering aimlessly in traffic. He had a book in his possession, that he tossed onto the roof of the house after killing Schaeffer. Three guesses as to what the book was. Give up? It was fucking Catcher in the Rye, because of course it was. Although Bardo claimed that it was just coincidence and that he wasn’t copying Mark David Chapman, that goddamned book seems to be a huge magnet for these people. Bardo was sentenced to life in prison. He was stabbed 11 times in 2007, but survived and remains in jail to this day.
 
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Ronnie Rocket

She's filled with secrets...
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Bardo was sentenced to life in prison. He was stabbed 11 times in 2007, but survived and remains in jail to this day.
Specifically he's Life Without Parole, so he's going to die in prison, stabbing or no stabbing.

And he's only 50, so even though he's been incarcerated for almost 30 years, he's got a long, long way to go.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
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I've been wasting my nights reading Sebag Montefiore, so I give you the notorious fun guy Lavrentji Beria, chief of the Soviet NKVD from 1938 to 1946 and Stalin's top man until 1953.
Beria.jpg

While the most known horror tales of him raping and murdering teenage girls are now discredited as being propaganda made up by the guy who killed him, Nikita Krushev, he still has many horrocow qualitie that have been certified.
First of all, he personally tortured his victims. And he went to town so bad on Marshal Vasili Blyuckher that he managed to knock out his eyeball from the socket and cave his skull in, in true Negan fashion.

Second, one of the most overlooked part of his life is that he basically ran the Transcaucasia region - the Socialist Republics of Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan - as his personal fiefdom and when he got promoted to chief of the central police in 1938 he was actually angry because he saw it as a demotion. He still managed to run his little empire from Moscow though.
Third, he had a gang of fellow cronies, both men and women, a gang of murderers and whores that he brought with him to Moscow and that basically did so much damage that Stalin had to force him to send some back to Georgia. Many stayed though and raised to high positions.
Some of these guys and gals were:
Vsevodolov Merkulov, also called the ''doctor'', for the fact that he liked to try impromptu chirurgical operations, Mengele style
Bogdan Kobulov, the Soviet version of Oliver Hardy, a big hearted and funny buffoon. Oh, he also liked to snap people's back in two with this own weight. What a fun guy, eh?
Valentina Kerkilahzde, also called the ''whore'', affectionately by comrades and foes alike. She managed being both a 1st class slut and 2nd Lieutenant of State Security, and really liked to be fucked hard after torturing some poor sap. Nikolai Yezhov, Beria's predecessor and a lolcow himself - he'd get his coworkers drunk and then shove his cock in their mouths - once walked on her getting spitroasted by two guys. She didn't stop and even told him ''Nika, should I do you next?''. Yezhov couldn't understand if she meant sex or torture, since he was already in falling grace and he knew - and he walked away trembling.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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Surprised nobody has brought up Jack Ruby. He was by all accounts a massive sped. Was prone to frequent fits of tard rage in which he’d assault both employees and customers at his nightclub. He would take his shirt off at social gatherings and start pounding his chest like a gorilla or rolling around on the floor. He would change topics mid-sentence in conversation, and ban people from his club whom he’d previously let in for no reason. He was also an extraordinarily shitty businessman and at the time he shot Oswald he was deep in debt.
 

Doctor Placebo

Bloody, bloody 2020.
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I've been wasting my nights reading Sebag Montefiore, so I give you the notorious fun guy Lavrentji Beria, chief of the Soviet NKVD from 1938 to 1946 and Stalin's top man until 1953.
View attachment 1702115
While the most known horror tales of him raping and murdering teenage girls are now discredited as being propaganda made up by the guy who killed him, Nikita Krushev, he still has many horrocow qualitie that have been certified.
First of all, he personally tortured his victims. And he went to town so bad on Marshal Vasili Blyuckher that he managed to knock out his eyeball from the socket and cave his skull in, in true Negan fashion.

Second, one of the most overlooked part of his life is that he basically ran the Transcaucasia region - the Socialist Republics of Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan - as his personal fiefdom and when he got promoted to chief of the central police in 1938 he was actually angry because he saw it as a demotion. He still managed to run his little empire from Moscow though.
Third, he had a gang of fellow cronies, both men and women, a gang of murderers and whores that he brought with him to Moscow and that basically did so much damage that Stalin had to force him to send some back to Georgia. Many stayed though and raised to high positions.
Some of these guys and gals were:
Vsevodolov Merkulov, also called the ''doctor'', for the fact that he liked to try impromptu chirurgical operations, Mengele style
Bogdan Kobulov, the Soviet version of Oliver Hardy, a big hearted and funny buffoon. Oh, he also liked to snap people's back in two with this own weight. What a fun guy, eh?
Valentina Kerkilahzde, also called the ''whore'', affectionately by comrades and foes alike. She managed being both a 1st class slut and 2nd Lieutenant of State Security, and really liked to be fucked hard after torturing some poor sap. Nikolai Yezhov, Beria's predecessor and a lolcow himself - he'd get his coworkers drunk and then shove his cock in their mouths - once walked on her getting spitroasted by two guys. She didn't stop and even told him ''Nika, should I do you next?''. Yezhov couldn't understand if she meant sex or torture, since he was already in falling grace and he knew - and he walked away trembling.
I'm disappointed by the lack of online photos of Valentina.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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Chairman Mao was a pig of human being and his hygiene regimen would make OPL look like some OCD clean freak by comparison, as detailed by his personal doctor http://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S0256-95742009000500012
Highlights include -
  • He never bathed, because he followed the Chinese peasant philosophy of ''one bath at birth, one at marriage, and one at death''
  • He loved to swim though, and often jumped into the Yangtze river without warning, prompting his bodyguards to jump in with him. At the time the river was worse than the Gange and used as public sewage, but Mao wasn't bothered with it.
  • His teeth were green because he never washed them, rather rinsing tea in his mouth in the morning. When subordinates asked him to brush his not-so-pearly greens, he replied ''Does a tiger brush its teeth?''
  • He loved fucking women and girls of all ages, because he thought vaginal secretions were the waters of Yin needed to purify is Yang. He had some ''minor'' venereal disease that he refused to get treated for because he wasn't ''bothered by it''. When his doctor pointed out he could give it to the girls and that some of them could suffer because of it, he replied it was a ''gift''. And indeed the girls considered the diseased a gift from the Chairman dirty tiny cock and a badge of pride.
 

AnOminous

each malted milk ball might be their last
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
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Chairman Mao was a pig of human being and his hygiene regimen would make OPL look like some OCD clean freak by comparison, as detailed by his personal doctor http://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S0256-95742009000500012
Highlights include -
  • He never bathed, because he followed the Chinese peasant philosophy of ''one bath at birth, one at marriage, and one at death''
  • He loved to swim though, and often jumped into the Yangtze river without warning, prompting his bodyguards to jump in with him. At the time the river was worse than the Gange and used as public sewage, but Mao wasn't bothered with it.
  • His teeth were green because he never washed them, rather rinsing tea in his mouth in the morning. When subordinates asked him to brush his not-so-pearly greens, he replied ''Does a tiger brush its teeth?''
  • He loved fucking women and girls of all ages, because he thought vaginal secretions were the waters of Yin needed to purify is Yang. He had some ''minor'' venereal disease that he refused to get treated for because he wasn't ''bothered by it''. When his doctor pointed out he could give it to the girls and that some of them could suffer because of it, he replied it was a ''gift''. And indeed the girls considered the diseased a gift from the Chairman dirty tiny cock and a badge of pride.
This is a common theme. For instance, look at Karl Marx. Much like Mao he rarely if ever bathed. He was covered in infected boils. He smelled foul. He treated people who worked for him like shit, knocking one up and then abandoning the child. He plagiarized other people's work and then assassinated their characters. He was, all in all, a dreadful, filthy human being.
 

Zaryiu

kiwifarms.net
Did Chairman Mao invent bugchasing?
No, degenerates have been a part of humanity since nearly it's beginning so bugchasers existed before Mao

Going back to Nero, he was never going to remain sane
download.png
That's the Julio-Claudian line, he might have been inbred to a certain point and look up the crazy shit and vile shit done by both his parents but their relatives (although take it with a grain of salt because the historians that wrote about them had a huge known bias)
 

Karl der Grosse

Shuck them britches, Tommy. Them panties, too.
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Any son of Agrippina, a bloody-minded and ruthless woman, and a Domitius Ahenobarbus was bound to be mentally unstable. The Domitii Ahenobarbi were a notoriously ill-tempered bunch who were savage when crossed, and had been for centuries. There was plenty of inbreeding going on among the Julio-Claudians, but Nero wasn't a product of inbreeding.

Interestingly enough, the Domitii Ahenorbarbi were also notorious for one other characteristic: Their beards. They were impeccably ancient and well-bred Senatorial nobility, and they were also red-heads. Ahenobarbus literally means "bronze beard" They had a family and public legend that Castor and Pollux, the Heavenly Twins, appeared to one of their ancestors to announce that the Romans has won the Battle of Lake Regilius. While they were at it, they ran their fingers through his hair which turned red, so everyone could see he was telling the truth. They had a tendency to marry redheads to keep the trait going. This is the reason that I think it's entirely plausible Nero did indeed have red hair.
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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If you consider Francis E. Dec the original lolcow, then the original weens would be Forrest Jackson, Ean Schuessler, and David Hanson. Yes, THAT David Hanson, the one behind that Sophia robot you’ve probably seen at some point or another.

These three were utterly obsessed with Dec, and had painstakingly tracked down the hospital he’d been staying at after suffering a debilitating stroke. They then made a cross-country trip to the hospital and attempted to freak Dec out by playing into his delusions. Dec was paranoid about the government, so the three men showed up dressed as cartoony portrayals of government agents: black suits, sunglasses, earpieces, etc. Essentially, they were sort of like proto-Idea Guys. Hanson in particular was very gung-ho about the whole idea. He’d wanted them to stay there for the entire twelve hour duration of the hospital’s visiting period terrorizing Dec. Hanson also apparently wanted to toss a live tarantula onto Dec. This idea was shot down by Jackson, however, who reminded Hanson that they were there to scare Dec, not hurt him.

They were thrown out of the hospital in a matter of minutes and banned from coming back, because that’s what tends to happen when you show up to harass a dying old man. There was no chance of them even getting a reaction out of Dec in the first place because his stroke had rendered him catatonic. It’d be like if someone flew to Virginia from the other side of the world just to scream “JULAY” at Chris, and he doesn’t even answer the door.

After getting thrown out of the hospital, the three men headed to Dec’s neighborhood where, much like that one guy who dug through Chris’ trash, they scoured through Dec’s cluttered, overgrown yard looking for souvenirs they could take. They’d intended to break into the house, but were extremely unsubtle when they showed up, so they attracted attention pretty quickly. They tried knocking on Dec’s neighbor’s doors but were ignored by all but one, and the one who did answer basically told them to fuck off.

They took a video of the trip which is notable as the only time Dec has ever appeared on video, and one of only a handful of times that he’d appeared on camera at all. Aside from this, however, the video was derided by people familiar with Dec at the time as being grainy and useless. Certainly not worth the money that Jackson was attempting to sell it for. Jackson also implored others to visit Dec and use his delusions to fuck with him, using the racism present in Dec’s rants as justification. Because that makes it totally fine to harass an old man on his deathbed. It’s pretty hypocritical too because Jackson had some less-than-savory things to say about Dec’s ethnic neighbors who’d rebuffed him and his friends. Nobody else got the chance to visit Dec though, because he died about a month later.

Jackson made a second trip by himself years after Dec’s death, where he cornered and harassed Dec’s brother. Hanson, meanwhile, was supposedly a huge edgelord sperg back in the day. He turned his apartment into a jungle, complete with piling dirt everywhere and getting a live crocodile. This, of course, pissed off Hanson’s roommate immensely because why the fuck wouldn’t it, and Hanson just delighted in his suffering because the roommate was a conservative Christian. The crocodile later died, and Hanson kept its rotting corpse in the apartment, which was the final straw for the roommate, who moved out shortly after. There’s a ton of other even more fucked up stories like that about him, and while he’s no doubt managed to make a name for himself in subsequent years, his success can largely be attributed to being excellent at grifting.
 
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Clockwork_PurBle

"The flames, my sweet, will not hurt you."
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he hired a private investigator to find out where she lived.
I want to know more about this private investigator who was propositioned to find and stalk a TV actress for a rando and actually went along with it. Did he commit suicide after spiraling downward from guilt or is he also deranged?
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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Rasputin was pretty exceptional. He was an extremely gifted manipulator which arguably kept him from going full cow, but also meant that he was free to chimp out as much as he wanted because he had the empress as his enabler. The upperclassmen of the time absolutely despised Rasputin because the man had no self-control and was a massive public nuisance. In addition to his famous sexual escapades, Rasputin would also routinely get into fights, was known to randomly take his dick out and wave it around, and was generally a loud, obnoxious person. He also had terrible hygiene and smelled horrible, and even when he would hold orgies in bathhouses, he’d still avoid bathing. He was a massive degenerate too; at least one royal maid accused him of rape, and he may or may not have been a pedophile. He was accused by a nanny of fucking the tsar’s young daughters but the only thing that came of that was the nanny getting fired.
 

Captain Hastings Official

"Good Lord..."
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Rasputin was pretty exceptional. He was an extremely gifted manipulator which arguably kept him from going full cow, but also meant that he was free to chimp out as much as he wanted because he had the empress as his enabler. The upperclassmen of the time absolutely despised Rasputin because the man had no self-control and was a massive public nuisance. In addition to his famous sexual escapades, Rasputin would also routinely get into fights, was known to randomly take his dick out and wave it around, and was generally a loud, obnoxious person. He also had terrible hygiene and smelled horrible, and even when he would hold orgies in bathhouses, he’d still avoid bathing. He was a massive degenerate too; at least one royal maid accused him of rape, and he may or may not have been a pedophile. He was accused by a nanny of fucking the tsar’s young daughters but the only thing that came of that was the nanny getting fired.

I recently read Douglas Smith's biography of Rasputin, and in it he makes the case, rather effectively, that almost all of the most sensational stories about Rasputin were pure fabrication. He uses Okhrana (the Czarist secret police) records to document that, for instamce, on the night that newspapers accused him of whipping his dick out at a fancy restaurant, the multiple agents following him reported him not even entering the place. Rasputin was a Christian mystic, sure, and a womanizer, but he was a relatively unexceptional example of each of those classes for the time and place he lived in: his piety was orthodox and remarkable only in its tolerance, and his womanizing was that of a robust peasant rather than the degenerate perversions he was accused of. Even the most famous story about him - that it required poisoning, shooting, freezing, and finally drowning to finally kill Grigory - is based on nothing more than the self-serving memoirs of his assassin, and is flatly contradicted by the evidence of the autopsy performed on Rasputin.

It seems rather that huge swaths of Russian society suffered from what I might call Rasputin Derangement Syndrome. It united both the dissatisfied on the far Right and those on the far Left, as well as bourgeois liberals and some among the royal family. Antisemitic clerical nationalists conspired with literal Bolsheviks in plots to remove Rasputin's influence, and they were all driven to the sort of frothing excesses that would make even the most extreme modern TDS sufferer pause. The ultimate cause - if I may speculate and editorialize - was the Russian elite's inability to reconcile their conception of Russia as the most important and powerful nation in the world, in whose hands the fate of the planet was held, with the reality that it was a backwards, second-rate power ruled over by a bloated but ineffective bureaucracy. Under these circumstances, this peasant from Siberia raised suddenly to the rank of Imperial favorite served as a scapegoat on which the resentments of all parties could be projected.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Jackson made a second trip by himself years after Dec’s death, where he cornered and harassed Dec’s brother
Oh I forgot to mention that this in particular made Jackson a pariah in the Francis Dec fanbase. See, his and his friends’ little stunt years prior had actually scared the shit out of Dec’s brother Joseph. Francis was, shall we say, not a big fan of the government. The fact that they showed up pretending to be feds had made Joseph think that Francis’ ramblings had incurred the wrath of the government, so he burned everything in the house that Francis had written in order to protect his ailing, mentally ill brother.

So, in other words, these three idiots caused a huge chunk of Dec’s writings to be lost forever with their weening.
 
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