Historical Lolcows -

Mariposa Electrique

In 2021, Shit will hit the fan 4 Chris
True & Honest Fan
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Nikola Tesla
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Chaos Theorist

It would be spiteful To put jellyfish in a trifle
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I recently read Douglas Smith's biography of Rasputin, and in it he makes the case, rather effectively, that almost all of the most sensational stories about Rasputin were pure fabrication. He uses Okhrana (the Czarist secret police) records to document that, for instamce, on the night that newspapers accused him of whipping his dick out at a fancy restaurant, the multiple agents following him reported him not even entering the place. Rasputin was a Christian mystic, sure, and a womanizer, but he was a relatively unexceptional example of each of those classes for the time and place he lived in: his piety was orthodox and remarkable only in its tolerance, and his womanizing was that of a robust peasant rather than the degenerate perversions he was accused of. Even the most famous story about him - that it required poisoning, shooting, freezing, and finally drowning to finally kill Grigory - is based on nothing more than the self-serving memoirs of his assassin, and is flatly contradicted by the evidence of the autopsy performed on Rasputin.

It seems rather that huge swaths of Russian society suffered from what I might call Rasputin Derangement Syndrome. It united both the dissatisfied on the far Right and those on the far Left, as well as bourgeois liberals and some among the royal family. Antisemitic clerical nationalists conspired with literal Bolsheviks in plots to remove Rasputin's influence, and they were all driven to the sort of frothing excesses that would make even the most extreme modern TDS sufferer pause. The ultimate cause - if I may speculate and editorialize - was the Russian elite's inability to reconcile their conception of Russia as the most important and powerful nation in the world, in whose hands the fate of the planet was held, with the reality that it was a backwards, second-rate power ruled over by a bloated but ineffective bureaucracy. Under these circumstances, this peasant from Siberia raised suddenly to the rank of Imperial favorite served as a scapegoat on which the resentments of all parties could be projected.
It didnt help that Alexandra was a German princess while they were at war with Germany and the Russian people thought that Rasputin and Alexandra were having an affair.
 

Rupert Bear

utrrbeapre.html
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Allen Ginsberg from the 'Beat Generation' Poets. He was a massive homo with his dad and sometimes wrote about getting boners whenever he slept with him, his mom was a batshit insane schizo who walked naked around the house and believed the government was sending her brain-scanning waves through the radio, which made Allen consider getting her a lobotomy. He was also a supporter of the NAMbLA. Oh, and he looked like this
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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What about Asa Coon? He was only 14, but was a fat edgelord who tried to shoot up his school because people were bullying him for...well, for being a fat edgelord. Immediately leading up to the shooting, Coon was serving a suspension after he physically attacked another student after an argument about whether or not God existed. He worshipped Marilyn Manson instead of God, and had a history of being a confrontational little shit. Fortunately, Coon was a fucking idiot, so he utterly failed to kill anyone other than himself (though some people did get hurt).

If you don’t think Coon would count for being too young, then I’ll raise you another school shooter, Kimveer Gill. Gill was actually an adult at the time, though he was just as much of an edgelord as Coon if not more so. He maintained a VampireFreaks profile that read like it was written by the person who wrote My Immortal. Well, okay, it was spelled coherently, but other than that it was the same, Gill selling himself as a super cool goff while lambasting his peers as “preps.” Similarly to Coon, Gill wasn’t a very good school shooter, though he was slightly more competent than Coon and managed to kill one other person besides himself.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

"The flames, my sweet, will not hurt you."
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Allen Ginsberg from the 'Beat Generation' Poets. He was a massive homo with his dad and sometimes wrote about getting boners whenever he slept with him, his mom was a batshit insane schizo who walked naked around the house and believed the government was sending her brain-scanning waves through the radio, which made Allen consider getting her a lobotomy. He was also a supporter of the NAMbLA. Oh, and he looked like this
He looks like Gilbert Gottfried and Jean-Paul Sarte somehow reproduced.
 

NerdShamer

International Glownigger Commander
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In case of where the fool is actually an normie, we have Doug Brent Hegdahl III.

https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Doug_Hegdahl

He was stationed aboard a guided missile cruiser during Vietnam and defied protocol of staying off the main deck when the main batteries are firing. Why is this a thing? Because the recoil from the guns had knocked him overboard while he was admiring the gunfire..

He left to float to his demise, because he wasn't reported missing two days later. But instead of drowning, he was rescued by some North Vietnamese fishermen... Who promptly handed him over to the local authorities. Which, in turn, resulted at a stay at the Hanoi Hilton...Which is where they torture POWs.

Not wanting to be turned into a human pinata by the guards, Doug quickly started to play dumb with the guards. As in, an illiterate, impoverished redneck kind of stupid. But the guards still wanted him to write some anti-war propaganda, so they hired a tutor for him after they realized that he couldn't write. But this went nowhere useful for the prison staff, so they just handed him a broom and made him sweep the complex with minimal oversight after naming him "The Incredibly Stupid One"

In a way, they were right, considering how he fell off his ship.

But anyways, he took advantage of his relative freedom by: Pouring dirt into the gas tanks of five different trucks when nobody was looking. Managed to get a good reading on where the prison is in comparison to the city after convincing the guards that he needed a new pair of glasses. But the most important thing is that he memorized the personal info of nearly all of the prisoners after being trained to do so by a naval aviator... To the tune of "Old McDonald Had A Farm."

He went on to testify against North Vietnam on the Paris Peace Talks in 1970 and did a stint as a survival instructor for the Navy in San Diego.
 
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Dr. Kaffergood

Some furfaggot who likes imperialist vixens
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Ed Wood, while he was not Chris Chan levels of pathetic. He was your typical self-absorbed careercow who never took criticism and deemed those who pointed out the flaws of his films as mere haters who didn’t understand him. Bela Legosi, the narrator of Plan 9 From Outer Space and the most famous incarnation of Dracula who was a good friend of Wood at one point, once said that Wood was one of his worst experiences working with someone in his entire career in one of his last interviews. Needless to say, he was blacklisted from Hollywood after people got tired of his constant altercations with other film makers and then lived in the streets of LA for the rest of his days.

He also might’ve been a closest troon as well considering he crossdressed when nobody was around to see him. He died from a heart attack after years of alcohol abuse and since then he’s regraded as one of the worst film makers in Post-war history.
 
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Syaoran Li

Punk Sucks
True & Honest Fan
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Frank Dux and Ashida Kim are both prolific martial arts lolcows and IIRC, have been mentioned in the old thread on martial arts lolcows in Community Watch.

Frank Dux is notable for being one of the few lolcows alive today to get a major motion picture based on him. And is definitely the only one where Hollywood depicted his version of the story.
 

DontEatThat

Not my fault
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Frank Dux and Ashida Kim are both prolific martial arts lolcows and IIRC, have been mentioned in the old thread on martial arts lolcows in Community Watch.

Frank Dux is notable for being one of the few lolcows alive today to get a major motion picture based on him. And is definitely the only one where Hollywood depicted his version of the story.
I can never help but laugh everytime I see Ashida Kim. If we want to go down this route id throw in Count Dante, that guy is something else. He would advertise in comic books as the "Deadliest Man Alive" who could kill in one touch.
 

Syaoran Li

Punk Sucks
True & Honest Fan
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I can never help but laugh everytime I see Ashida Kim. If we want to go down this route id throw in Count Dante, that guy is something else. He would advertise in comic books as the "Deadliest Man Alive" who could kill in one touch.

I'm not sure if Count Dante would quite count.

Count Dante was a legitimate martial artist outside of his over-the-top claims.

His claims of being able to do Dim Mak or that whole nobleman schtick are things I could probably chalk up to being one of those ridiculous sales gimmicks that were a thing in the 70's. It was very spergy as fuck but also the kind of thing you'd expect from ads in the back of Marvel Comics.

Count Dante was definitely an eccentric and a sperg, but I wouldn't consider him a full-blown lolcow, even if he was lolcow adjacent.
 

Jah Hates Kaffirs

"You're saying she took CREDIT for the diaperfur?"
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Allen Ginsberg from the 'Beat Generation' Poets. He was a massive homo with his dad and sometimes wrote about getting boners whenever he slept with him, his mom was a batshit insane schizo who walked naked around the house and believed the government was sending her brain-scanning waves through the radio, which made Allen consider getting her a lobotomy. He was also a supporter of the NAMbLA. Oh, and he looked like this
Most of the Beat Generation were lolcows. If there was a Kiwifarms back then, they'd relentlessly mock Kerouac's books.
 

round robin

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Ed Wood, while he was not Chris Chan levels of pathetic. He was your typical self-absorbed careercow who never took criticism and deemed those who pointed out the flaws of his films as mere haters who didn’t understand him. Bela Legosi, the narrator of Plan 9 From Outer Space and the most famous incarnation of Dracula who was a good friend of Wood at one point, once said that Wood was one of his worst experiences working with someone in his entire career in one of his last interviews. Needless to say, he was blacklisted from Hollywood after people got tired of his constant altercations with other film makers and then lived in the streets of LA for the rest of his days.

He also might’ve been a closest troon as well considering he crossdressed when nobody was around to see him. He died from a heart attack after years of alcohol abuse and since then he’s regraded as one of the worst film makers in Post-war history.
The Tim Burton film on him is great. It really captures his eccentricity in the way only Tim Burton can, I guess. The dude was obsessed with the feeling of Angora rabbit fur. Probably would have been a furry if he was contemporary.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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To be fair, writing 300+ pages of incoherent vulgar shitposts just to offend people is Kiwi af

In other news, Wittgenstein was a omega-sperg
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What a read.
There was also a period where he would just swallow cocoa's dust for some reason and almost choke on it.
I loved his Tractactus, but to think that the school he went to can either choose to annoverate either the Omegasperg or the Sperglord Adolf Hitler himself in his most notable students must be hilarious.
 

Michael Jacks0n

You know I'm bad, I'm bad.
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If you consider Francis E. Dec the original lolcow
Francis E. Dec Esq. was never a lolcow in any capacity: he was a prophet from another dimension or possibly a time traveler, and our brains could never match his. Sadly he died before the world could know he was a true prophet with all of the answers of the universe.

Same with Terry A. Davis.
 
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