Historical Lolcows -

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Andrew Cunanan, the guy who killed Gianni Versace. He was a compulsive liar who always made up stories about himself to seem more interesting, and he was a massive attention whore who always had to have all eyes on him. He had a sense of entitlement as big as the moon, and expected to be given everything without having to do any work for it. This in spite of the fact that he was a genuinely intelligent person; while he got shitty grades in school, his IQ was measured to be around 140.
 

Spatula

delete your twitter.
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Jean Paul Marat was a pathetic journalist during the french revolution and he was constantly screeching about who should die next.
He had a nasty skin condition that made him sit in a tub for days so one day Charlotte Corday had enough and stabbed him in the tub.
 

ShortBusDriver

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Andrew Cunanan, the guy who killed Gianni Versace. He was a compulsive liar who always made up stories about himself to seem more interesting, and he was a massive attention whore who always had to have all eyes on him. He had a sense of entitlement as big as the moon, and expected to be given everything without having to do any work for it. This in spite of the fact that he was a genuinely intelligent person; while he got shitty grades in school, his IQ was measured to be around 140.
You just described like 90% of gay men
 

Ronnie Rocket

She's filled with secrets...
True & Honest Fan
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He was stabbed 11 times in 2007, but survived and remains in jail to this day.
So here's a fascinating thing I found out today... did you know that the guy who stabbed Robert John Bardo is Janeane Garafalo's cousin and he did it to avenge Schaeffer?

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Lee Crabb

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Jean Paul Marat was a pathetic journalist during the french revolution and he was constantly screeching about who should die next.
He had a nasty skin condition that made him sit in a tub for days so one day Charlotte Corday had enough and stabbed him in the tub.
Piss be upon him.
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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While the whole ruling family of North Korea has it in them for full blown lolcowdom, the one who deserves the gold medal is Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.
Sure, Kim Il Sung is the one who started it all, but he fought against the Japanese, he built the state and for a good chunk of his rule North Korea was actually much better off than South Korea.
In the early 90's he foresaw the incoming famine and was considering taking steps towards reunification and even a thaw with the US, but then he died.
Dear Leader Kim Jong Il had all of his father's megalomania but none of his political acumen.

First of all the retard spent three years consolidating his power because many people thought so low of him he was resisted by both the Party and the military.
He then failed to utterly achieve anything during is full fledged rule from 1997 to 2011.
Between is ill health and overall incompetence North Korea backslided even more.
This is also the guy who kidnapped a couple of divorced South Korean director and actress and remarried them himself so they could star in his movies.
He also caused the string of terrorist attacks that made North Korea even more a pariah state.
He was deeply unstable and never got over the early death of his mother, and my once he was in charge made dozen of official portraits of her, both as a soldier and instructing him as an adult. He also chased older women in his youth because of this.

We can laugh all we want at little rocket man Kim Jong Un, but he's not as unstable as his father, he understands economics and politics and managed to create a middle class in a country where it was either the rich 1% or the poor 99%.
His resemblance to Kim Il Sung and his mimicking of his voice further wins him points with the older citizens and the old guard who fondly remember the "good ol' times" with his grandfather.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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I think everyone caught on To Catch a Predator is a cow by default, because they’re all sick pedos. Those chatlogs went to some super dark places and I could probably make the case for dozens of them being cows based on those.

But I won’t. Chatting with someone you think is underage and intending to meet up with them for sex is disgusting and wrong, but we all (hopefully) know that already. There was one guy who appeared on the show, however, who proved to be exceptionally stupid and I’d consider him to be the biggest cow from the show by virtue of his actions.

John Kennelly.

After chatting with who he thought was an underage boy, Kennelly went to the sting house for sex. He walked in the door, stripped naked, and went into the kitchen to wait. Kennelly was the first predator to get naked, but he wouldn’t be the last. Upon being confronted by Chris Hansen, Kennelly said that he “probably would’ve chickened out” of having sex with the supposed minor. This in spite of the fact that he was sitting in the kitchen naked. Hansen berated him as he did every other predator, and then Kennelly got dressed and left. As this was before the show began having law enforcement on hand to arrest the predators, he just went home.

Not 24 hours later, Kennelly was back at it. He was using the exact same profile he’d used previously, and didn’t even bother to change the picture. So they set up a second sting and went to the McDonald’s they’d arranged to meet at. Hansen’s reaction upon confronting Kennelly for the second time was one of the show’s most memorable moments. He was absolutely dumbfounded, and presumably lost a lot of faith in humanity that day upon learning that someone could really be that stupid.

It was Kennelly’s sting that convinced Dateline to begin cooperating more closely with law enforcement and having officers present to arrest the people who showed up.

Since then, Kennelly has been in and out of prison for various sex offenses and he has been sponging off his parents since before the TCAP appearance. He seems to have learned nothing at all from the experience. While he’s not the only predator from the show who’s reoffended, he’s by far the stupidest one about it.
 

Large

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Józef Maria Hoene-Wroński
A mathematican and philosopher who:
  • Discovered what he considered to be the ultimate truth about the universe ("The Absolute") during a ball
  • Proceeded to base a philosophical system on that
  • Tried to save the world and estabilish an utopia with it
  • Wrote a book about it
  • Was kicked out of the Marseille Observatory for writing that book
  • Sold The Absolute to someone for a lot of money, which wasn't paid back in full, sued the guy who bought it, won
  • Thought a secret society was after him (due to getting trolled)
  • Accused the poet Adam Mickiewicz of working for that secret society
  • Wrote a shitton of weird shit
  • Invented the continuous track and the Wrońskian while trying to save the world
  • Tried to invent a machine for predicting the future
  • "Initiated" Éliphas Lévi into occultism
  • Did some other funny shit
 

Monika H.

she/her - Proud Ally - BLM - #refugeeswelcome
True & Honest Fan
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Barbara_Daly_Baekeland.png

In occasion of Mother's Day, I give you Barbara Baekeland, one of the worst mothers in history.
She was a wealthy socialite who had always been unstable and attention whore to the max.
Everything had to revolve around her.
She tried to commit suicide more than once, and after her husband first cheated on her with a much stabler woman and then divorced her, she became obsessed with her son, Antony.
She curated every aspect of her son's life, until something happened that made her spiral into insanity even more.
Antony wasn't interested in women at all - either he was asexual or rumored to be gay.
Her solution? Force him to get drunk and then rape him repeatedly. She thought this would make him a man and "cure" his supposed homosexuality; but a friend reported how she boasted about getting off on fucking her son.
As you can imagine, it didn't end well. Antony had a mental breakdown and when she tried to savor his pickle one time too many, he stabbed her to death.
He killed himself some years later.
 

Trianon

kiwifarms.net
Jean Paul Marat was a pathetic journalist during the french revolution and he was constantly screeching about who should die next.
He had a nasty skin condition that made him sit in a tub for days so one day Charlotte Corday had enough and stabbed him in the tub.
my god the Corday trial arc would have been amazing
 

AnOminous

each malted milk ball might be their last
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
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Jean Paul Marat was a pathetic journalist during the french revolution and he was constantly screeching about who should die next.
He had a nasty skin condition that made him sit in a tub for days so one day Charlotte Corday had enough and stabbed him in the tub.
His nasty skin condition was caused or worsened by spending a couple years hiding from the authorities by living in the Paris sewers. I think living in a literal sewer is pretty solid lolcow territory.
 

Pupworm

Scarred by Tom Fulp's 'Club a Seal'
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Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Enlightenment philosopher who unironically believed in the 'noble savage' archetype, argued for the influence of nurture over nature, and believed that "nothing is so gentle as man in his primitive state".

- Openly cucked by his older first girlfriend, stayed with her anyway and called her 'maman' (mommy)
- Despite writing extensively about how people ought to bring up kids, gave up all of his children to a foundling hospital because he believed their mother would be a shit parent ("I trembled at the thought of intrusting them to a family ill brought up, to be still worse educated.")
- The pastor of his church called him the Antichrist, leading to a mob of churchgoers throwing rocks through his windows
- Following this incident, was generously offered accommodation in England by less milky buddy David Hume, which ended in Rousseau sending an eighteen page letter to Hume complaining about him
- Wrote a massively powerleveling book called 'Confessions', revealing, among other things, that being spanked by his stepmother as gave him a spanking fetish, leading to him hiding in alleys as an adult and flashing his ass at women.
- He hoped they'd spank him for it, but actually they just laughed at him


Also:

From: 'A Prussian Police Agent’s Report [on Karl Marx], 1853'
"[Marx] lives the life of a gypsy, of an intellectual Bohemian, washing, combing, and changing his linen are things he does rarely. He likes to get drunk. He is often idle for days on end, but when he has work to do, he will work day and night with tireless endurance.
For him there is no such thing as a fixed time for sleeping and waking. He will often stay up the whole night and then lie down on the sofa, fully dressed, around midday and then sleep till evening, untroubled by the fact that the whole world comes and goes through his room. ... In the middle of the salon stands a large old-fashioned table covered with oil cloth. On it lie his manuscripts, books and newspapers, then the children’s toys, his wife’s mending and patching, together with several cups with chipped rims, dirty spoons, knives, forks, lamps, an ink-pot, glasses, dutch clay pipes, tobacco ash — in a word everything is topsy turvy, and all on the same table. A rag-and-bone man would step back ashamed from such a remarkable collection.
When you enter Marx’s room, smoke and tobacco fumes make your eyes water so badly, that you think for a moment that you are groping about in a cave. Gradually your eyes become accustomed to the fog and you can make out a few objects. Everything is dirty and covered with dust. It is positively dangerous to sit down."
 
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