Horrors of Dating Sites

[Butta Face Lopez]

Ok yeah, just went back and tried to read it all. That's easily the worst dating profile I've ever seen, and in serious contention for possibly being literally the single worst thing I've ever read.

 

[Oglooger]

Anything where middle aged men can go after young women can be cringe worth

Spoiler: Translation

"Hello friends! I'm in the group with the best grandpas in the world and many of them put pictures of their grandchildren, but I never got married and I don't have grandchildren either. Be a bro* and send me pictures of your baby brothers, ok? Don't get the wrong idea, it's not for anything bad. don't be a downer*. Help Uncle Evo. Oh and also, I want to meet girls between the ages 13-19 to take them out to ice cream, go to the movies and give them my TRUE and HONEST* friendship. Don't take the wrong idea hehehe. salutations!"

*closest equivalent to a translation I could think up.

Spoiler: comments from r/gonewild

 

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

It's a shame the Creepy White Guys tumblr is gone since that was a treasure trove of lolzy replies and profiles that Asian women got from creepy, egotistical and even occasionally racist white guys on dating sites. Trust me, these guys loved to rant about how ugly, stupid and abusive Asian men are (and how superior white men were to them) in hopes that would impress these girls.

Speaking of dating sites, What Culture released an article on the "10 Weirdest Dating Sites."

 

[Phil Ken Sebben]

As everyone who has used one can attest to, there are some terrible people on dating sites. I found this profile on plentyoffish a while ago.

Yeah, she totally sounds like a nice, normal woman with absolutely no issues whatsoever.

Having said that I do know a guy that met his GF on PoF and they've been together for at least 5 years now if not more.

 

[DrJonesHat]

The first charming individual on this thread is obviously an aspiring sugar baby. Demanding money, making it clear she wants to be supported, etc. She's looking for a sugar daddy and she probably won't find one on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. She'd be much happier on one of those sugar daddy websites like Seeking Arrangement. It's made specifically for people like her. Assuming she's at least somewhat attractive, she shouldn't have any problem finding someone to drop a few grand on her every month in exchange for companionship.

She sounds like someone who's really emotionally volatile and will fly into a rage at the slightest provocation. Clearly someone I would want to spend money on, and spend time with. I mean, I have a rather liberal view on sexual issues, and if someone wants to offer sex for money and they're doing so of their own free will, that's fine. But be up front about it. And no matter how desperate a man is for sex, if he can afford to pay for it, he can probably find someone who doesn't have a hair-trigger temper.

 

[Meowthkip]

This one may be the worst one I've ever seen. Just look at how long it is.

I came in this thread expecting to see a bunch of people like Squart Guy and then I read through that.

I think I need to lie down.

 

[Positron]

I scrolled through that massive wall of self indulgent tripe and the one thing that really leapt out was that one of her two inspirational people is the goddamn Dog Whisperer

Not "epistemologically iconoclastic" enough for you?

 

[D.Angus]

I see people talking about weridos profiles, but not so much about people creepily messaging you.

I've had some interesting comments on my dating profile.. I've been told that "I'm so cute, I should be in jail" and the creepy old dudes that messaged me. Not to mention the weirdo with the diapers, but I really don't remember that. There's a reason that I went to a less known dating site and found my boyfriend there.

 

[4Macie]

I don't do dating sites ever since I opened an account and then 24 hours later had 8 unasked for dick picks with "Hey girl, you like this?" attached...
BUT I have a lovely big booty friend who does... she's got tons of randoms that message her and then we laugh and talk about them later. Some of them will message her thirty times without her ever responding... I'll have to ask her for screenshots for you guys (if you want).

 

[Ca Ira]

I would simply describe myself as ... passionately, albeit unintentionally, eccentric.

Unintentionally.



I'd be interested to know what this person is like in real life. It's hard to imagine what sort of person could possibly be lurking inside this awful, bloated cocoon.

Well, that was a wall of text. I find it funny how such an intellectual, enlightened individual likes "RuPaul's Drag race".

Intellectual, yes, but also quirky. "What kind of a character likes both Plato AND RuPaul? How deliciously outrageous!!" I wouldn't be surprised if her enthusiasm for the one is as much a contrivance as her enthusiasm for the other.

 

[Arctic]

The profile in the OP is like an online version of CWC's attraction sign. No darkies!

 

[drtoboggan]

They're hilarious and scary simultaneously. As Roy Batty said, I've seen things you people would never believe.

 

[CatParty]

http://www.uglyschmucks.com/

Are people not seeing your inner beauty, are you an Ugly Schmuck?!


Welcome to the elite ugly dating site exclusively for Ugly Schmucks


In today's day and age, searching for a partner can be such a daunting task. Especially if you're like a lot of us who are not that attractive.


Our Ugly Dating is geared towards people who may feel unattractive or uncomfortable in their own skin and is designed to help them succeed in meeting others who value genuine personality over outer appearance.


Why is the concept of ugly dating sound so absurd? Because it is the complete opposite of what society teaches.


Have you ever thought to yourself "I am Ugly"? All around us we see gorgeous people, on television, in movies and magazines. We see ugly people too, but they're not the main actors. They're the dish washers, the janitors, or the bad guys! The whole perception of ugly people is that they are of lower stature than everyone else. I find this perception amazingly ugly.


Im ugly, what can I do?

You can stand up and not back down. Go as far as you like. The sky is the limit for you. But you will face many challenges along the way. And that's where we come to ugly dating.


Why ugly dating?

With ugly dating, you can date ugly people who know exactly how you feel. They can relate to you in ways a non ugly person could never understand.


People who choose ugly dating are looking for genuine personality over outer appearance and don't want to be judged for how they look, they want to be judged for what's on the inside.


In order to be successful in ugly dating, you must not let the illusions of society hold you back. You must not think that you would only be happy with a superstar. Those are unrealistic expectations. You can actually be very happy on an ugly date!

http://www.darwindating.com/

In order to join Darwin Dating, you have to agree that you don't suffer from:




Saggy boobs... in fact no saggy anything!

Sweat patches

Nerdy glasses

Pocket protectors

Weird pubic hair

Mullets

Fishnet stockings - Fishnets are okay, provided you are hot

Fat rolls

Acne

Out of proportion noses

Non-symmetrical faces or bodies

Red hair and too many freckles .. yes, that's right

Hair in the wrong places on women

Too much hair in the wrong places on men

Pasty skin

Patchy skin - especially if tendency to flake on others

Disproportionately Large ears

Lack of personal hygiene

Out of date fashions

Out of date hair styles (especially perms)

Large hips (men)

Small jaws (men)

Teeth that aren't straight

Teeth that aren't white

Uncared for fingernails

Bald patches (men, but particularly, women)

Facial hair (women)

Long back hair (men)

Anyone with a middle part

Ear and/or nose hair

Crooked or webbed toes

Webbed fingers or toes

Bent essential anatomy (men)

Oversized essential anatomy (women)

Lack of visible skin between eyebrows

Mid-digital hair

Ski jump noses

Wobbly upper arms

Hairy feet

Large gaps between teeth

Overuse of bright blue eyeshadow
If you fit into any of these categories, let's face it, you're ugly, but you aren't alone. Darwin Dating isn't for you but don't despair, there are plenty of ugly fish in the sea and they're all on every other dating website out there!

http://diapermates.com/

http://www.theatlasphere.com/dating

http://www.amazingkreskinsupernaturaldatingsociety.com/

 

[Sinner's Sandwich]

Someone hacked tinder and made straight men flirt with each other without knowing it.
http://www.theverge.com/2015/3/25/8277743/tinder-hack-bros-swiping-bros

 

[Flowers For Sonichu]

 

[Oglooger]

View attachment 21840

Eli, is that you?

 

[TheMonkeyMan]

Not every single line of this profile is awful, so I bolded the parts that stood out to me. The last line here is one of the least self-aware things I've ever heard.

My self-summary
I am snarky, ardent, loquacious, disenchanted, and assertive. I am also a nerd but I am not socially maladjusted. Those things do not go hand in hand.

Do not even talk to me if you aren't a feminist. I have no interest in someone who believes it's okay to push down anyone not male.

I'm only interested in serious relationships. Women do no exist to fill a void or to be entertainment.

I wish this was still SparkMatch.

Bullet summary:

-ENFJ or RGLM
-Will not stay tied down to Philadelphia. Fuck owning a home.
-Consider myself more of a citizen of the world and all cultures
-Should have been an anthropologist.
-I love potatoes
-I love the male voice, especially sung :3
-I love rum
-I like a lot of art forms
-I like cold teas and hot teas
-I wear contacts and glasses, depending on my mood
-I sometimes have colored contacts
-I love reese's pieces
-I have a BFA from a world renowned art university
-...but "artsy fartsy" people irritate me
-I like tasty animals but eat a lot of vegetarian.
-I want to be super rich so I can go to crazy dinner parties.
-I despise poetry
-I love music, but I just don't have the time/knowledge to continually keep up with it. I'm spread too thin on my interests.

-...but I loooooove guitars.
-...and I tend to like Japanese singers. No vibrato abuse?
-I'm a huge fan of eating chicken.
-I like history, and have been paid to talk about it.
-I don't like stupid tattoos. Most tattoos are stupid. ANY tattoo ruins the natural beauty of skin, and I am not a fan of that.
-I can never get enough of the Prince of Persia franchise
-I don't understand the zombie obsession, and I find it quite boring.
-Most beer is disgusting, rancid water. How do most people drink those foul brews?
-I love reenactments.
-Fish are the perfect pet and don't get enough love.
-I only go to a bar for a drink with someone specific.
-I'm still sad Greg Giraldo died.
-I love the outdoors but I don't find a reason to go camping, especially when it's cold out. I have nothing to prove.
-I want nothing to do with smoking or drugs.
-I don't care about sports and have no interest in watching them on TV... minus the occasional hockey game.
-I'm starting to see someone as a sports fan as a huge turn off.
-I'm sick of the beard fad. Shave your goddamn hipster beard, you probably look terrible with it.
-I have zero tolerance for religion.
-I fully support Occupy Wall Street.
-I want to live in NYC or LA.
-Someone who is into storytelling is a huge turn on.
-I am 100% against circumcision of babies.
-I prefer science to made up bullshit.
-I plan on traveling the world. I want to walk where Troy was, sit in the Hypostyle Hall of Luxor, eat takoyaki in Osaka, shop in Shibuya, and float in a boat over where the Battle of Red Cliffs took place.

I am into art, storytelling and design stuff. If you aren't, leave me the hell alone. :[

I need to be attracted to a mate, have at least a few things in common, and a general interest in similar stuff. I cannot stand people who refuse to try new things, and are not spontaneous a least a little. I do like planning things to a certain extent, but sometimes you have to just let go and enjoy what occurs! Someone who likes potatoes is a plus. ♥

I don't smoke, I say inappropriate things a fair amount of the time, I love good lighting, non-RPG video games, cultures and travel. I like hand inking, but really I prefer an undo button. I watch way too much History Channel, History International and Science Channel. I desperately want to travel, as I haven't in waaaaaaaaaay too long. I love Dragon*Con and nautical stars.

I have a thing for (good) police dramas. I think this comes from an inherent sense of justice, but lack of confidence in the actual judicial system. Things that apply: Law and Order, Law and Order SVU, Cold Case, Without A Trace, In Plain Sight, Detective Conan, (does Burn Notice count??). I also like a good mystery.

PRO-TIP: I don't like RPGs, so don't talk to me about them. (seriously, don't talk to me about them. AT ALL... except Avernum or KoL)
PRO-TIP2: Don't email me a novella, or try and play 20 questions.
PRO-TIP3: Do not send a resumé-type private message. We all have profiles for a reason.
PRO-TIP4: Don't message me and tell me you're an artist if you have shitty pictures. Au contraire!!
PRO-TIP5: Don't bother trying to "neg/negging" at me. If I even bother to respond to you, I will turn cold as ice once the jig is up. It just makes you look pathetic, and it is no person's "responsibility" to "take someone down a peg or two." I can't believe that in modern culture we have people who still need to attempt to bring others down to feel better about themselves.
I'm in Philadelphia a fair amount. I don't comprehend people who whine about travel, especially to see someone they claim to care about!

So I would say I'm curvy, but I don't think people know what curvy means.

Pet names are demeaning, especially when you are speaking to someone you do not know.

"Style is the packaging for a product; your substance is the product. You need both. Unless you create an appealing package for yourself, nobody will ever get to know the substance beneath the exterior." Chin-Ning Chu. This applies to all facets of life, especially one's physical appearance.

I might move to NYC or even LA, I'm not sure.

DEALBREAKERS:
I will not date you if you...
-are a smoker (including pot), even casually
-are obsessive over video games and cannot put it down, esp FPS
-play WoW
-want children
-don't know how to dress yourself like a respectable person in society
-say misogynistic crap, especially "jokingly"
-...and in the same vein, show early red flags for manipulation or verbal abuse
-seem to think you can keep someone in your life but not commit to them or treat them with respect
-are an alcoholic
-want someone who is going to obey you, be submissive to you in a relationship, or just in general isn't your equal in every way

Oh my god enough already. If a woman knowing what she wants in her own life is soooo scary, then you have some serious fucking problems, and it has nothing to do with the woman.

Women have to deal with men being intimidating on a daily basis, so deal with it like a woman if you’re intimidated by another gender.
What I’m doing with my life
I do art, such as webcomics and other various artwork.

Pennsylvania is rather boring and doesn't have my industries.

I’m really good at
Not dealing with people's bullshit.

Also painting and anything to do with colors.

I love watching a movie and then dissecting it, but I won't go to see just any movie. Most movies are only created to be a money machine. :/
The first things people usually notice about me
Most people tell me how friendly and outgoing I am. Anyone who thinks the rest of my profile proves this wrong doesn't comprehend what assertive means.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Piers Anthony, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, H.P. Lovecraft, Sun Tzu, Geoffrey Chaucer, Jane Austen, George R. R. Martin, does Bruce Timm count in this section??

Movies: The Devil's Advocate, The Little Mermaid, Accepted, The Cat from Outer Space, Queen of the Damned, Poseidon Adventure, Prince of Persia; Sands of Time, Legally Blond, Iron Man, Captain America, The Avengers, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy

Shows: In Plain Sight, Law and Order, L&O SVU, Burn Notice, White Collar, The Daily Show, anything historical narrated by Leonard Nimoy, Doctor Who, Graham Norton, Red Dwarf, Friday Night Dinner, Game of Thrones

Nerd stuff:
Anime/animated: Oreimo, Yu Yu Hakusho, Puella Magi, Detective Conan/Case Closed, Tiger & Bunny, Escaflowne, Princess Jellyfish, Young Justice, Avatar, Thundercats 2011, Adventure Time, Natsume Yuujincho, Legend of Korra, Attack on Titan

Video Games: Prince of Persia everything, Devil May Cry, Legend of Zelda, Professor Layton, Phoenix Wright, Dynasty Warriors

Music: I love a lot of music, but I'll shorten it to these: Vaeda, Head Phones President, Mai Kuraki, 30 Seconds to Mars, Three Days Grace, Lisa Loeb, Yoko Kanno, Emma Burgess, Stuart Chatwood

I really like a lot of Kpop and Jpop. :3

Food: I like most food except spicy, and I won't touch most seafood. I love any form of potatoes, and vegetarian sushi... but I'm not a vegetarian, meat is too yummy and essential for a good diet... but most of the stuff I eat consists of delicious vegetables.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The fact that it's so hard for humans to think about the universe expanding into the void. We're so used to everything having a limit, that expansive nothingness is just... intense.

How completely selfish and fucked up it is that men want women to risk their health and their very life to give the guy a tiny version of himself.
On a typical Friday night I am
Napping.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm not a private person, and I lose respect for anyone who utters the phrase "airing dirty laundry" because they want to hide their poor choices and how they treat others with contempt from the world... but I do have a compound bow for hunting! Never shot anything, those little shits know when you're in the woods and hungry.
I’m looking for

Straight guys only
Ages 29–35
Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if
You think Parry was right. (this is not about politics)

freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason/2013/05/02/why-you-shouldnt-tell-that-random-girl-on-the-street-that-shes-hot/

DO NOT MESSAGE ME FOR DATING IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT OR COMPLICATED.

I am in now way, shape or form looking for someone as old as 50. Leave me alone.

Don't fucking ask me if I'm "domme." If you do, it's an immediate block. The sheer stupidity of anyone asking me this is just... amazing. Rude doesn't begin to cover it.
Don't waste your time and message me if you're in your early 20's, have children, are polywhatever, have no interest in long term relationships, aren't artistic, have no passion, are obsessed with camping or working out, and don't understand basic punctuation.

I won't reply if you don't have at least 2 or 3 photos that are clear, and if your sidebar and profile aren't both filled out. Oh also, if you have a photo of you giving the camera the finger, it's an instant turn off. It makes you look like a colossal asshat.

I do not care how you think I look. I'm not so low on self esteem or confidence that I need strangers to tell me they approve of my bone structure.

Don't bother messaging me if your favorite video game is Halo.

***If you have a religion listed in your sidebar, I'm not even bothering.***

I will know if you don't read my profile and I won't reply. If you actually did read this, tell me your favorite color in the message. Otherwise, I will not respond to you.

If I can respond to your obvious neg with, "And I might wonder why, with so evident a desire to offend and insult me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason and even against your character," do not bother sending the message. I will most likely just respond with that copy pasted.

The only men scared of speaking to a woman who is sure of herself is the one who is weak willed and has no confidence.

Since apparently this is "critique week," if you feel the urge to send me a "critique," you can keep your shitty opinion to yourself. Nobody asked you, nobody cares. If you think my profile is negative, you are a complete and utter idiot.

 

[DrJonesHat]

Not every single line of this profile is awful, so I bolded the parts that stood out to me. The last line here is one of the least self-aware things I've ever heard.

Well, some of that is understandable, at least she's up front about what she does and doesn't accept in a potential partner. But the tone will probably scare people off. And I think she's being a tad picky. Just a tad.

 

[Splendid]

A lot of these websites look like they're made from a template.
I legitimately wouldn't be surprised to find out that there are a few companies out there that just run these niche websites through shell companies. Hell, they probably even share the same databases.

 

[ChrisFangs]

Anything where middle aged men can go after young women can be cringe worth
View attachment 21776 View attachment 21775

Spoiler: Translation

"Hello friends! I'm in the group with the best grandpas in the world and many of them put pictures of their grandchildren, but I never got married and I don't have grandchildren either. Be a bro* and send me pictures of your baby brothers, ok? Don't get the wrong idea, it's not for anything bad. don't be a downer*. Help Uncle Evo. Oh and also, I want to meet girls between the ages 13-19 to take them out to ice cream, go to the movies and give them my TRUE and HONEST* friendship. Don't take the wrong idea hehehe. salutations!"

*closest equivalent to a translation I could think up.

Spoiler: comments from r/gonewild

These guys are just living the amazing dad life