I Am Now an Ordained Minister™. Do You Need Absolution? -

[Ryker]

Given our recent trials and tribulations I feel the darkness that has spread over the farms. I see the sin and quiver at the moral turpitude. I know that many of you are troubled in your actions as dox(x)ers, bullies, gamergaters, atheists, cyber-terrorists, ISIS, religious nutjobs, fascists, hippies, trannies and fags and feminists and the antitheses of these things and, well, we are ALL that is bad, am I not right? According to all, we just want to watch the world burn. It is a heavy burden to bear.

Because of these troubling times, I felt it incumbent upon myself to seek out a blessedness so that I could cleanse the hoard, so to speak. So I did. I devoted myself to a deep 5 minutes of theological study (just like my brother, Dr Robert L. McKim Sr.) I am now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church (true and honest™) and I am willing to offer absolution to all and sundry (excepting Philthy Phil ADF Ahuviya Harel "Izzy Hell" and maybe some others ~ they are unforgivable).


Confess your sins or seek to ease your troubling hater burden.

Father Ryker

Blessed Be

 

[SpessCaptain]

Me first. My sins are becoming a moderator of this shitty estate.

 

[Ryker]

I sense your sin, brother/sister/other. It runs deep, very deep indeed. Not only do you suffer the original sin of being a member of this damnable forum but you compound it by your acts of officialdom as moderator to the great army of the spiritually unclean. Your burden is a heavy one.

I, too, am but a poor sinner, but I offer you absolution from your sinful toil. As an act of contrition you are to prostrate yourself before your banhammer, say 10 Brianna Wu-s and 5 Leonard Shaners, all the while reciting the rat king creed.

I absolve you, brother/sister/other. Go in grace.

 

[OtterParty]

I have no sins

I am a perfect being

 

[Coldgrip]

My sin is that I keep putting off becoming an ordained minister. And that I commit hate crimes against the jews.

In my defense they had it coming though.

 

[Curt Sibling]

A terrible demon haunts my mind. Please smite him, your holiness!

 

[The Knife]

I am also an ordained minister. Let's have our first schism! What point of doctrine do you want to disagree on?

 

[autisticdragonkin]

I am an ordained minister too. I would create an ordained minister group except for that @Null removed the groups mod and will go to the 9th circle of hell for that

 

[Flowers For Sonichu]

I'm ordained in the holy church of the dark carnival. I will anoint you in holy faygo

 

[Curt Sibling]

I'm an ordinator. And I'm watching you...Scum!

 

[UnwiseKhan]

No god but Allah, infidels.

 

[Coldgrip]

I am also an ordained minister. Let's have our first schism! What point of doctrine do you want to disagree on?

Now, if I become an ordained minister will I have to choose a side or can I create my own sect? If I can create my own how long do you think I should wait before I declare a crusade against one or both of you? I only ask because I want to be polite and have a civilized holy war and not one of those filthy and uncivilized jihad-y types of holy wars.

 

[AnOminous]

Just bless my twin deagles so I get +5 to hit and damage bonuses.

 

[polonium]

I actually kinda enjoy being an abomination before the Lord, so I'd be grateful if you could leave me out of it.

Thanks

 

[Bassomatic]

So can you marry people?

By people... I mean a man and a body pillow.

 

[Ryker]

I have no sins

I am a perfect being

Blasphemer! God will judge you...and probably some SJWs. Though I suspect that the SJWs will take your perfection as a reflection of their own self-proclaimed grace.

A terrible demon haunts my mind. Please smite him, your holiness!
View attachment 88063

And the beast is hereby smitten with much smiteness! Done!

I am also an ordained minister. Let's have our first schism! What point of doctrine do you want to disagree on?

Let's reinvent the first schism, the Chalcedonian Schism. By all accounts that was a rocking good time!

I'm ordained in the holy church of the dark carnival. I will anoint you in holy faygo

Oh, yes, please!

Now, if I become an ordained minister will I have to choose a side or can I create my own sect? If I can create my own how long do you think I should wait before I declare a crusade against one or both of you? I only ask because I want to be polite and have a civilized holy war and not one of those filthy and uncivilized jihad-y types of holy wars.

Soon to be Brother/Sister/Other, I am the true voice of the coming rapture so I must automatically denounce you. Though I like the idea of a civilized Holy contretemps. Perhaps with tea and biscuits?

Just bless my twin deagles so I get +5 to hit and damage bonuses.

LOrd, bless AnOminous' twin deagles so that he may increase his hit and damage bonuses to a great and glorious degree. In your name, Dominus Vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo, Lorem ipsum, etc., etc. Blessed be the holy deagles!

I actually kinda enjoy being an abomination before the Lord, so I'd be grateful if you could leave me out of it.

Thanks

You are a very nice and polite heretic.

So can you marry people?

By people... I mean a man and a body pillow.

Yes! Yes, I can. A man trysting with his body pillow under the grace of God's sanctification shall never be denied his blessing.

Res ipsa loquitur, Mea Culpa and felicem natalem Christi!

Amen.

 

[AnimuGinger]

We're brothers in the Universal Life Church, it seems.

 

[Ryker]

We're brothers in the Universal Life Church, it seems.

Indeed, brother. The one and true Church. I felt very theological clicking a couple of buttons on their site. And when I was done I felt as smug as Dr™ Robert McKim Snr. It is a compelling experience.

 

[AnimuGinger]

Indeed, brother. The one and true Church. I felt very theological clicking a couple of buttons on their site. And when I was done I felt as smug as Dr™ Robert McKim Snr. It is a compelling experience.

I must confess. While I am ordained in the most Holiest of houses, I have yet to order my official ordination through the mail. I was too cheap to pay the $8.99 plus S&H at the time.

 

[Ryker]

I must confess. While I am ordained in the most Holiest of houses, I have yet to order my official ordination through the mail. I was too cheap to pay the $8.99 plus S&H at the time.

Ha! As am I. I am ordained and am moved by the Spirit and feel that any monetary transaction would tarnish my holy mission.