I Caught A Shitlord This Big: The Tall Tales Of Tumblr - And that thread... was Albert Einstein.

sassyma seed

Cat with an f
kiwifarms.net
So we've all heard one of these before, a ridiculous story made up by a tumblrite just to get notes and attention.

I've culled http://shit-that-never-happened.tumblr.com/ & http://things-that-didnt-happen.tumblr.com/ for some great fake stories.

There are a lot of different kinds of these stories. There are some about racist/sexist/homophobic/problematic/disagreeing people getting SICK BURNED.
Burn.PNG

That's how 75 year old people act.
https://archive.md/bTFnb
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Is drinking out of the gallon that disgusting that they have to force themselves not to look disgusted?
https://archive.md/PrQV6
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How old was this person? By the time they're old enough to discover they're bi, they're still get spankings from nuns? This sounds like the setup to some nun porn.
https://archive.md/rj9Sw
Some of these involve people who can apparently get away with anything, because they're simply that badass and witty.
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Yes, and this guy just said nothing, and allowed this employee to be super duper rude to him.
https://archive.md/CEXcw
Spit.PNG

I'm pretty sure if you spat right in someone's face they'd do a lot more than whine about personal space. https://archive.md/Jaonc
You'll notice in these stories that people opposing our brave Tumblrites often say things that no human being has ever said.
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Her parents watched in approval as she went up talked to some random weirdo with a fox tail?
https://archive.md/nWfJ2
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This is an interesting one. A guy who speaks in a way that no one ever does, a Tumbrina giving the speech they've been waiting their whole life to give, and everybody applauding cause they're just that great.
I couldn't get the photos to upload for some reason, but the archive has them and they are ridiculous. https://archive.md/I5axp
Princess.PNG

"A g-g-girl in Gamestop who doesn't want princess games? Unheard of!" Thank goodness for her lightning fast wit. She totally didn't have a normal transaction with a guy and then come up with some "witty" comeback to a fake argument 3 hours later. https://archive.md/mO1ii
These are my favorites that I've found so far.
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I found this one on Tumblr, even though it originated from Facebook. Doesn't this one sound kinda terrifying? You tried three times to abort a baby, and when it is born it laughs in your face and basically says "THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!" That's some demonspawn.
https://archive.md/MTyzD
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Karate2.PNG

So, a 5 foot tall white belt (a karate beginner) kicks a brown belt (two steps away from black belt) twice her size so hard she breaks his rib? And the sensei, instead of calling for help before this kid dies of a broken rib puncturing his lung, just taunts him "women are made of pain"? Also, you'd think a brown belt would be mature enough that they would take a spar seriously and not just taunt her like an asshole. Thank goodness our perfect little Mary Sue didn't pulverize his bones into dust with a kick!
https://archive.md/WwHN2
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Halloween2.PNG
Halloween3.PNG
Halloween4.PNG

And that guy was never invited to any party ever again, because nobody likes the dick who pulls out his laptop to disprove his strawmen.
https://archive.md/kZeWV
What do you guys think? Post any more you can find!
 

Attachments

Lackadaisy

ZA FOOL
kiwifarms.net
I like to play a game with these called 'What Actually Happened.' I imagine that most of these are somewhat based on real incidents but were 'improved' afterwards. Like the fact that half of these dorks can even talk to another person face-to-face.
 

Meowthkip

Danny Devito holding a painting of a Sonichu OC
Global Moderator
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I like to play a game with these called 'What Actually Happened.' I imagine that most of these are somewhat based on real incidents but were 'improved' afterwards. Like the fact that half of these dorks can even talk to another person face-to-face.
There are some that seem like they might have some loose basis in fact and others that just straight-up reek of bullshit.
 

StallChaser

Wolf-Souled Individual
kiwifarms.net
There's a subreddit dedicated to these things.
https://www.reddit.com/r/thathappened


They're like a tumblr version of the atheist professor copypastas. One that became a meme:
A Marine was taking college classes between his deployments to Afghanistan.

One of his courses had a professor that was an atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked everyone by walking into class, looking up and stating "God, if you are real, I want you to come down and knock me off this platform, I will give you 15 minutes.

Several minutes tick by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the Marine gets up from his seat, approaches the professor and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine simply went back to his seat.

The professor came to, visibly shaken and asked the Marine, “What the heck did you do that for?!”

The Marine said, “God was busy protecting America’s military who are out protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, so he sent me to fill in.”
Another popular one:
There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, “If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!” In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, “Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it.” And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith…he hoped.

Finally, the day came. The professor said, ” If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!” The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, “You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!” He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.

Sometimes, for added effect, they'll put in a punchline. "The one student who stood up? His name was Albert Einstein."
 

sassyma seed

Cat with an f
kiwifarms.net
There are some that seem like they might have some loose basis in fact and others that just straight-up reek of bullshit.
I agree. Some, like the GameStop one seems like the person may have had a bad customer service experience, but later revised it so the employee is a total asshole for no reason, and they're so badass they just rattle off one-liners like it ain't nothing.

In reality, if someone said something like that to them, they'd do what everybody else would. Be super flustered, leave, and come up with the perfect comeback about 5 hours too late.
 

Piga Dgrifm

Nyey Lois
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I was in class once, when this whitecishetmale pig stood up suddenly and said "I HATE TRANNYS AND FAGGOTS AND NIGGERS!" so I said "Check your privilege, die cis scum" and roundhouse kicked him so hard he flew into the wall, and got knocked out. The only atheist in the classroom then said "I know God is real now, because you are Him, Piga." That atheist's name? Albert Einstein.

Then the whole class got onto a bus and applauded.

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Silver

(not actually volcel)
kiwifarms.net
Do these people think their life is a movie?
Honestly I could see this one happening, I had a friend who missed a class and so had no idea what was going on on the test so she made up a bunch of bullshit and got an A for effort. I've also seen one of those homework sheets floating around the internets where the question was "Give an example of a risk." and the person wrote "This." and there's a little red check mark next to it
 

GG Allin

outlaw skumfukk
kiwifarms.net
Honestly I could see this one happening, I had a friend who missed a class and so had no idea what was going on on the test so she made up a bunch of bullshit and got an A for effort. I've also seen one of those homework sheets floating around the internets where the question was "Give an example of a risk." and the person wrote "This." and there's a little red check mark next to it
I think every kid has been edgy like that with their homework assignments, of course, but pull off that shit when you're applying for a college? Maybe colleges here are more serious than the colleges in America, since they would never even ask what the word 'daring' means to you, nor would they accept someone who's being a lazy asshole that isn't even bothered into writing an actual essay.
 

tomgirl4life

I'm my own free bee
kiwifarms.net
it's like half the stories on Not Always Right. What people say in real time and what they think up after the fact are two completely different things. The first parts almost definitely happened, but then everything after that is bullshit.

Like this one that happened to me.

I was working at a gas station and this really hot Asian girl came in from the club across the street in a skimpy outfit with her friend. While she was at the register she was complaining to her friend about how she never got her pasties to fit right so they were always uncomfortable. I interjected humorously by saying "That's weird, I never have a problem with mine."

She looked at me with an interested look and said "Really? How do you put them on?"

I looked her back in the eye and said "First let me see yours so we can find out what you're doing wrong." She peeled hers off, exposing herself and we had mad sex behind the register.
Now, that actually happened up to the part where she said "Really? How do you put them on?" The end of it was made up. What took place in reality was:

She looked at me with an interested look and said "Really? How do you put them on?"

I felt my face turn red as I started blushing harder than ever before and stammered, "I, uh...I've nev--I've never...I don't wear them I was kidding. $3.97 is your total?" She paid with her debit card and left, and I wanted to curl up in a ball from embarassment.​
 

Meowthkip

Danny Devito holding a painting of a Sonichu OC
Global Moderator
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I agree. Some, like the GameStop one seems like the person may have had a bad customer service experience, but later revised it so the employee is a total asshole for no reason, and they're so badass they just rattle off one-liners like it ain't nothing.

In reality, if someone said something like that to them, they'd do what everybody else would. Be super flustered, leave, and come up with the perfect comeback about 5 hours too late.
There's actually a name for that, l'esprit de escalier. It's French for "the wit of the staircase," meant to apply to thinking of the perfect reply too late.

Basically these stories are an attempt to battle the humiliation of that precise feeling by retconning IRL events.