I Caught A Shitlord This Big: The Tall Tales Of Tumblr - And that thread... was Albert Einstein.

[TheLateGreatBate]

I just found a sort-of active blog documenting these at http://thingsthatneverhappenedtxt.tumblr.com

Spoiler: Here are a few

In first grade, you shouldn't even know what sex is.

Unnecessary capitalisation, bad grammar, dumb questions...they could at least put some more effort into making it look authentic.

 

[Operator Kyoko Sakura]

I just found a sort-of active blog documenting these at http://thingsthatneverhappenedtxt.tumblr.com

Spoiler: Here are a few

View attachment 47765
View attachment 47766
In first grade, you shouldn't even know what sex is.
View attachment 47767
Unnecessary capitalisation, bad grammar, dumb questions...they could at least put some more effort into making it look authentic.

I checked the blog out, might need to follow it now, some good shit.

This was my favorite story:

Spoiler

http://thingsthatneverhappenedtxt.t...ony-tried-hitting-on-me-in-a-coffeeshop#notes

How you can tell it's fake:

Spoiler

The first big red flag is "Brony tried hitting on me today." Which knowing tumblr and their love of stereotypes towards groups of people they hate, this is red flag #1, the brony friendzoni fedora tipper. Red flag #2, they're at starbucks, expect to see weird people there, and they're treating it like it's something weird, at a place that weird people love to congregate to. Red flag #3, stench of doritos and cologne, lol, men wearing cologne with crappy clothes on? The only time I've smelled cologne on other men is at events like weddings, my high school graduation, and social events. Red flag #4, tries saying the brony is hitting on her, bitch please, bronies are too cowardly to hit on anybody.

 

[Falcon Lord]

There's actually a name for that, l'esprit de escalier. It's French for "the wit of the staircase," meant to apply to thinking of the perfect reply too late.

Basically these stories are an attempt to battle the humiliation of that precise feeling by retconning IRL events.

Chris used to do this with his comic sub-episodes.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

I think every kid has been edgy like that with their homework assignments, of course, but pull off that shit when you're applying for a college? Maybe colleges here are more serious than the colleges in America, since they would never even ask what the word 'daring' means to you, nor would they accept someone who's being a lazy asshole that isn't even bothered into writing an actual essay.

As an American college student, I can confirm that colleges would not accept someone who happens to be a lazy shitbag who isn't even willing to write an actual essay. Colleges want to see someone put in actual effort and work into their essays, not just three words and being an edgelord. So yeah, that is a major crock of shit that never even happened in the first place.

 

[sassyma seed]

I know that if I was a cannibal and presumably went through a ton of trouble and cash in order to get some high quality human steak, the first thing I would do is feed it to a kindergartner who wouldn't even appreciate it anyway.

 

[BrokenEntity]

Man, these stories sure are authentic.


*reads story about person fighting cis white neo-nazis in a crowded subway car*

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

View attachment 47807
I know that if I was a cannibal and presumably went through a ton of trouble and cash in order to get some high quality human steak, the first thing I would do is feed it to a kindergartner who wouldn't even appreciate it anyway.

Someone's been watching too much Hannibal.

 

[Meowthkip]

Someone's been watching too much Hannibal.

Well, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is too scary.

 

[Level20Wizard]

So when I got home. Get this right, there was this white, straight (I could tell by his snapback), cis (see straight) guy beating up a Somalian disabled trans woman octopuskin in a parking lot the other day and i went up to punch him in the dick lmAO!

And octo gave me all of her octor and turns out she was a millionaire! I'm going to go to Donald Trump's meetings and beat him up

#maletears #tw violence #tw rape #tw suicide #tw acronyms #sjw #liur

 

[Surtur]

This person's only knowledge of what goes on in court rooms must consist of crime dramas and Ace Attorney games.

And as anyone who has served on a jury can tell you, you don't swear on a bible.

 

[BoredCat]

So when I got home. Get this right, there was this white, straight (I could tell by his snapback), cis (see straight) guy beating up a Somalian disabled trans woman octopuskin in a parking lot the other day and i went up to punch him in the dick lmAO!

And octo gave me all of her octor and turns out she was a millionaire! I'm going to go to Donald Trump's meetings and beat him up

#maletears #tw violence #tw rape #tw suicide #tw acronyms #sjw #liur

One time I was walking home late at night when this guy tried to mug me.
I told him I didn't have any money, frustrated, he held a gun to my head. I was freaking out and dropped my phone, he picked it up and saw I was
reading an article on tumblr about child abuse. He then looked up at me with tears in his eyes "I was abused as a kid" he said and I hugged him and he hugged me.
And that guy is now developing software for NASA.

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

One night, my house got broken into. The robber demanded the code to my safe, I told him I didn't remember it off the top of my head, and to check my phone. He turned on the phone and noticed the JohnLock fic I had been reading. Completely forgetting what we were doing before, he launched into a speech about his OTPs, and we exchanged Tumblr URLS. Just as he was about to leave, a train crashed through the wall, and I kid you not, everyone on it spilled out and started fucking applauding.
That robber's name? Albert Einstein.

 

[Surtur]

Folks this thread is for discussing Tall Tales from Tumblr, not making up your own.

 

[LikeicareKF]

do tumblrites not realise that regular people don't even know what 'cis' means, let alone use it in real life?

 

[sassyma seed]

Is that how you be a good ally, by murdering people who give you trouble? Given Tumblr's standards though, that old lady would probably get called like 50 times a day over straights triggering her. If she existed, that is.

 

[Surtur]

do tumblrites not realise that regular people don't even know what 'cis' means, let alone use it in real life?

No. Just like they don't understand much about the real world.

 

[GG Allin]

Ah yes, because your birthgiver cared about your fat stuffed ass and tells you the harsh truth. How the fuck do you even cut off the handle of a cup? And who keeps glue in the kitchen?

"I personally think that he should be allowed to express her gender however he wants, and she shouldn't get rude comments from his teachers'.
I'm going to go with the teachers with this one: You can only choose one.

 

[Frank Rizzo]

As others in this thread have commented, you just gotta love how "quick witted" all of the people in these stories are, as if they were all stuck in a Neil Simon play.

 

[Silver]

I wonder if any of them do like that Seinfeld episode where George specifically tries to make the situation one where he can use a pre-crafted comeback

 

[Frank Rizzo]

I wonder if any of them do like that Seinfeld episode where George specifically tries to make the situation one where he can use a pre-crafted comeback

Honestly, most of these "stories" can be summed up in a few lines:

Storyteller walks into store/cafe/etc

Person in store/cafe/etc says something blatantly stupid/ignorant to storyteller

Storyteller fires back with "witty comeback"