If You Could Get Chris ANYTHING for His B-Day... -

[Jack Awful]

What would it be?
And I mean ANYTHING, unrealistic (give him a private island so he'll never bother anyone again), fantasy (a time machine so he can go revisit his highschool years), realistic (that PS4 he wants), joke (horse manure), or even metaphorical (self-awareness).

 

[Kusottare]

a knife



IN THE FACE


DIE CHRIS


JUUUULLLAAAAYYYYYYY

edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!
edit 2: this really blew up rip my inbox
edit three cant believe my top comment is about DIE CHRIS!!!!!!!!
edit4 im a girl btw

 

[ZehnBoat]

i would give him a sex change that curses him with an insatiable lust for cocks and a hatred for other vaginas.

 

[CatParty]

bullet to the head

 

[Bassomatic]

I'd give Chris something he has no care about but high dollar with prestige just to see how he treats it or his interest , something like a nice sail boat a exotic car etc. I just wonder if it would be sold for legos, left to rot in the hoard or if he'd try to force himself into the hobby now he could be up on top.

 

[cumrobbery]

A pint of milk

 

[Randy Lahey]

I would get Chris all of Bob's old clothes

 

[Sable]

I'd give him Patti back alive, but with the clause that he has to turn his life around or she'll die again.

 

[Agentpeanut]

A life.

 

[JULAY]

A duck that isn't bent.

 

[ZehnBoat]

I would give him the ability to live his life in his comics, on the conditions that he has no super powers, isn't the main character, and sonichu doesn't know who he is.

i would give him a built from the ground up girlfriend that does whatever he wants, but he must relive everyday as the girlfriend going through the exact same motions.

I'd give him Patti back alive, but with the clause that he has to turn his life around or she'll die again.

i would make it more of a dorian gray situation. because chris would try to cheat out of whatever you have him do ASAP, and patti wouldn't last an hour.

i'm getting very a-loggy. but i'm oddly having fun

 

[John Daker]

Another hooker

 

[daddys little homo]

a lifetime all expenses paid trip to a maximum security mens prison with no tv no legos no video games no fast food so he can focus on his new career of butt stuff

 

[NumberingYourState]

A Mcdonalds special sauce enema.

 

[AnOminous]

What would it be?
And I mean ANYTHING, unrealistic (give him a private island so he'll never bother anyone again), fantasy (a time machine so he can go revisit his highschool years), realistic (that PS4 he wants), joke (horse manure), or even metaphorical (self-awareness).

If I could get Chris anything for his birthday, I'd get him

Spoiler

raped and murdered in prison

.

Tell me you didn't see that coming.

 

[CWICKQUARTER]

Terminal MPB.

 

[José Mourinho]

Hoo, boy, I wish I saved a list of all the useless crap I will send to him. Just about every pickle scented or flavored novelty I could find, I will send him - my personal favorite being a pickle air freshener. I'll send him funny postcards with pictures of hunky men on them. I'll send a few funny illustrations of him I printed, and mailed in official looking envelopes. I'll also order adult diapers to be delivered to his home. I'll send him catalogs for bidets, incontinence products, male enlargement products, impotence products, and gay singles classified ads - all in official looking envelopes. I'll send him sampler-sized packet of baby wipes, and sample packets of laundry detergent with a love note about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS. I'll send him catalogs of products and clothes for morbidly obese people. I'll send him a bunch of non-working Xbox and 360 games over the years. I'll send him a bunch of fake coupons for "one free boyfriend" or other stupid things like that. I'll send him birthday cards saying he was 4 or a girl. Oddest stuff I'll send are plastic utensils, floppy disks, scratched CDs, pickle jar lids, and other flotsam with non-threatening stuff like "Christian Weston Fatboy" written on it, in a padded envelope so it seemed like he was getting something important. I'll send Barb a whole bunch of coupons for cleaning products. Geez, what else...? I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff. I'll probably remember 'em tomorrow, when I'm at work and hit the mailing room.

Ah, here's a few others... I'll send him a letter from Simonla asking "why did you forsake me?" in a creepy font. I remember thinking of sending printouts of a few Liquid Chris vs. Solid Chris drawings, with "Ian Brandon Anderson" written over it. I'll send him free samples of maxi pads, and preparation H medicated wipes. I'll send him a few novelty products with pictures of naked men (my favorite being a light-switch cover where the switch was a hot fireman's manmeat). I'll send him a lettuce seed packet, but slapped a fake label for "Fat Manbaby Seeds" with a picture of him on it. Probably for his next trial, I'll send him a prisoner stress ball, a small metal file for his "jail break," and hotel soap with a note saying "drop this in shower for free mansex." I'll write stuff like "fatboy" and "manbaby" on some balloons, deflated them, and send to him.

Here are some more I remember thinking of... I'll send him a bunch of nametags with "Ian Brandon Anderson," and stuff like "Fat Manbaby" on them (we have the equipment to make 'em). I'll send him a work uniform name patch with "Fatboy Chandler" embroidered on it. I'll send a few collapsible koozies with "Virgin With Rage" and "Christian Weston Fatboy" embroidered on it in a fancy cursive font. I got a whole bunch of those return address labels made up with "Christian Pickle Chandler" as the name, and I'll probably mail it to him. I got a free"FAT MANBABY" black ink stamper and I'll send it to him. I'll send him a set of 3 free clicky ballpoint pens with "Christian Weston Fatboy" imprinted on the side.

One of my clients specializes in direct mail marketing and custom imprinted items, giving me access to all sorts of different envelopes and packaging, so there's a good likelihood Chris and Barb opened the stuff up thinking it was something important or an item they ordered. Most of the envelopes had phone number to our switchboard, so they could remove themselves from mailings, but they never bothered to call. Honestly, I wouldn't have stopped... I just would have started mailing them from another mail drop.

And, before I get some smartasses giving me crap about wasting money, like on the old forums... All of this stuff was trivially easy, since I have access to a really nice mailing room, various label printers, three different embroidery machines, several different postage meters, and daily pickups from USPS and UPS. As well, most of this garbage didn't cost me more than a hundred bucks or so. I've paid way more, for way less satisfying pranks and pastimes.

 

[John Furrman]

Another hooker

And blow, don't forget the blow.

 

[MrsFrizzle]

A goddamned haircut.

Testosterone gel in an estrogel container.

 

[Forever Sunrise]

I'd give him a sense of smell.