Either this is the greatest meta joke or your just lucked into giving yourself the worst introduction.
3 steps you need to do
1. Delete this thread
2. There are several threads for newbies use the search function to find them and read them
3. Accept the hazing you'll get by making this thread, it's done out of love and autism.
A fat, violently autistic troglodyte, who spends his days living on government subsidies and threatening any women that gives him a modicum of attention