I'm Writing a Series. - Posting this here is probably not a good idea, but oh well lol I need exposure.

[A Hot Potato]

Episode 1:

Episode 1: Meeting

Due to some much needed advice from others, I will be making a second attempt at this, learning from my mistakes in this first version, though I will keep it up for now. Tomorrow will Arise Episode 1: Meeting. “Oh, sorry!” This was quite the oft repeated phrase for this particular girl, who ...

docs.google.com

Be honest.

k thx.

P.S. Also, still not able to be on here regularly.

Sorry to whom it may concern.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the constructive critism, I'm going to make a second attempt at making this less shit, with what everyone here has said.

 

[Crichax]

The first main paragraph is too long.

 

[Exorbital Columnations]

Less is more.

 

[Koresh]

Pick up a book by someone like Chuck Palahaniuk or Irvine Welsh or even Stephen King and study how they write. Right now this reads like a textbook met a thesaurus. A good book to learn from is "How Not to Write a Novel." I really think it will help you.

 

[PL 001]

 

[Recoil]

IMO - It needs to be re-ordered in places and edited so as to flow more naturally.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ORIGINAL:
In spite of the couple, quite frankly, being unconcerned with the rest of the living world surrounding them, it was within Waki’s very DNA to apologize, frequently, for even the scantest of trespasses. Regardless, the young lady kept up her brisk skate, deftly gliding through the modest gathering of people with whom she shared the rink, the occasional "sorry!" and/or "excuse me" being sung from her.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

EDITED:
In spite of the couple's clear lack of concern with the world around them, the need to apologize (and frequently) was baked into Waki's very DNA.
"Excuse me!" She sang. "Sorry!"
The young lady kept up her brisk pace regardless, gliding deftly through the modest crowd with which she shared the rink.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You could go about this in a number of ways, but you want to keep flow in the front of your mind. For example, We know she's in a rink, so we can use "Brisk Pace" instead of "Brisk Skate". I moved around some dialog, I think it flows cleaner.

Edit To Add: Arrange your sentences so as to avoid glottal stops when they are read.

 

[A Hot Potato]

The first main paragraph is too long.

Less is more.

And see, when I was doing a quick proof read, for like spelling mistakes and such, I felt I might be going on for too long.

But on the other hand, I want people to know what the characters, enviorments, etc. look like.

How could I go about painting the picture of this world, in a more concise way?

I'm not being sarcastic, my dumb ass really can't tell.

IMO - It needs to be re-ordered in places and edited so as to flow more naturally.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ORIGINAL:
In spite of the couple, quite frankly, being unconcerned with the rest of the living world surrounding them, it was within Waki’s very DNA to apologize, frequently, for even the scantest of trespasses. Regardless, the young lady kept up her brisk skate, deftly gliding through the modest gathering of people with whom she shared the rink, the occasional "sorry!" and/or "excuse me" being sung from her.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

EDITED:
In spite of the couple's clear lack of concern with the world around them, the need to apologize (and frequently) was baked into Waki's very DNA.
"Excuse me!" She sang. "Sorry!"
The young lady kept up her brisk pace regardless, gliding deftly through the modest crowd with which she shared the rink.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You could go about this in a number of ways, but you want to keep flow in the front of your mind. For example, We know she's in a rink, so we can use "Brisk Pace" instead of "Brisk Skate". I moved around some dialog, I think it flows cleaner.

Edit To Add: Arrange your sentences so as to avoid glottal stops when they are read.

I get what you're saying about flow, that makes sense.

I'm too autistic to understand what you meant in the second part, could you explain?

 

[Recoil]

That's not autism, that's poor communication on my part.

A good rule of thumb in writing is to avoid repeating any action in the same paragraph unless it serves a rhetorical function for you to do so. Any word, any description, anything - always do it differently the second time around.

Ever notice how if you watch a movie that you've already seen parts of before, the parts you've already seen seem to pass by slower, almost annoyingly slower?
Those parts that you've seen are relaying information you already have, so you data collection flow gets bunked up! It literally interrupts the flow with which you experience the story. Interruption of flow is annoying. Just like when you're about to fall asleep and your phone rings. Or you're having sex and your phone rings. Or you've got your day all planned out and then you get a call that fucks that plan. It's annoying, right?

Every time you say something, it gets registered by the reader. Every word you say has a nest of implications behind it. You can say the same thing twice without being annoying, but you have to say that same thing differently each time.

Think about the person reading your prose for the first time. They know nothing, and so their brain is in search mode, collecting all the data it can and assembling some sort of mental network. It sees the words "Brisk Pace" and says to the reader, 'okay, she's moving'. Then it sees 'people' (plural) and 'rink'. Ok, it's a skating rink. The reader knows this right then, their brain has done the math.

So at this point, the reader has an image in their head, of a woman moving through a skating rink that is crowded. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED. Don't do the work of the reader's imagination for them by overdescribing - the fun of reading is putting shit together in your head and having your unconscious mind connect the dots and conjure images.

Am I making sense?

Write in a way that flows, that doesn't make the reader double back, that keeps them moving forward and absorbing more.


ETA: Also, all words have connotations. The word Brisk is often used to describe cold weather, and so the reader will assume that you are describing an ice skating rink and not a roller rink. Roller rinks are hot and sweaty. Ice skating happens on brisk days.

 

[A Hot Potato]

That's not autism, that's poor communication on my part.

A good rule of thumb in writing is to avoid repeating any action in the same paragraph unless it serves a rhetorical function for you to do so. Any word, any description, anything - always do it differently the second time around.

Ever notice how if you watch a movie that you've already seen parts of before, the parts you've already seen seem to pass by slower, almost annoyingly slower?
Those parts that you've seen are relaying information you already have, so you data collection flow gets bunked up! It literally interrupts the flow with which you experience the story. Interruption of flow is annoying. Just like when you're about to fall asleep and your phone rings. Or you're having sex and your phone rings. Or you've got your day all planned out and then you get a call that fucks that plan. It's annoying, right?

Every time you say something, it gets registered by the reader. Every word you say has a nest of implications behind it. You can say the same thing twice without being annoying, but you have to say that same thing differently each time.

Think about the person reading your prose for the first time. They know nothing, and so their brain is in search mode, collecting all the data it can and assembling some sort of mental network. It sees the words "Brisk Pace" and says to the reader, 'okay, she's moving'. Then it sees 'people' (plural) and 'rink'. Ok, it's a skating rink. The reader knows this right then, their brain has done the math.

So at this point, the reader has an image in their head, of a woman moving through a skating rink that is crowded. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED. Don't do the work of the reader's imagination for them by overdescribing - the fun of reading is putting shit together in your head and having your unconscious mind connect the dots and conjure images.

Am I making sense?

Write in a way that flows, that doesn't make the reader double back, that keeps them moving forward and absorbing more.


ETA: Also, all words have connotations. The word Brisk is often used to describe cold weather, and so the reader will assume that you are describing an ice skating rink and not a roller rink. Roller rinks are hot and sweaty. Ice skating happens on brisk days.

Alright, makes sense.

Just out of curosity, would you say there was anything I did well, or does it all suck the big cock?

 

[Recoil]

Alright, makes sense.

Just out of curosity, would you say there was anything I did well, or does it all suck the big cock?

Can't tell you that yet, don't know.
Fix the structure of your prose and it doesn't matter, you'll appeal to loads of people no matter what you say.

 

[Rancid Flid]

The language is far too flowery for my taste, sorry. And while I quite like to know what clothes a character is wearing, you've gone into far too much detail in places. Chocolate brown is chocolate brown, no need to add "m.ilk" It feels like you're trying too hard but that's just my opinion, I like fairly simple text.

Have a read of The Old Man & The Sea by Hemmingway to see how such a simple use of words can create an atmosphere in the mind.

 

[Crichax]

How could I go about painting the picture of this world, in a more concise way?

Separate the first paragraph into multiple paragraphs.

 

[Fandom Trash]

Good start, but I had to reread your opening several times just to understand what's happening. Less is good and an editor would go cross eye if they read your work as it is now.

Find a better way to open the story and then grab the reader with a hook and reel them in. Introduce your protagonist details throughout the book. Like sprinkle it around, don't really need to state that your character is x, y, z if its not important to the story. Readers do form their own version of the character so you don't really have to go all out with the details.

 

[ScamL Likely]

Is this supposed to be some kind of anime-inspired YA thing? Pretty haram, t b h.

 

[A Hot Potato]

Pick up a book by someone like Chuck Palahaniuk or Irvine Welsh or even Stephen King and study how they write. Right now this reads like a textbook met a thesaurus. A good book to learn from is "How Not to Write a Novel." I really think it will help you.

I'm about 75% through "How Not to Write a Novel", as of this post.

It's been a very revealing read, and some of the shit said in it seems so obvious to me now.

Good start, but I had to reread your opening several times just to understand what's happening. Less is good and an editor would go cross eye if they read your work as it is now.

Find a better way to open the story and then grab the reader with a hook and reel them in. Introduce your protagonist details throughout the book. Like sprinkle it around, don't really need to state that your character is x, y, z if its not important to the story. Readers do form their own version of the character so you don't really have to go all out with the details.

I've since decided, that I might add in something action packed, in media res, to open up the novel.

Chiefly, the aftermath of "Episode 2"

Is this supposed to be some kind of anime-inspired YA thing? Pretty haram, t b h.

Young adult?

Heavens no, I resent that lol.

I don't really have an primary demographic in mind, other than I know I don't want anything that would be unsuitable for children to be present.

Anime, yes, I will admit that's one, but not the only, area I'm drawing influence from.

Thank you all for the continued advice, everyone!

 

[eternal dog mongler]

"Well, how about the time mom threatened to take away your record player, unless you got your overdue science homework caught up? How about when your social and gym teachers threatened to keep you from from taking place in the soccer club, unless you finished all your unfinished worksheets? How about the ti" This verbal onslaught was cut short by the fevered, snarled rebuttal of Maeko.

em-dash after ti

"School is boring to me! How can I possibly "be the best I can be,'' when I find no joy in schoolwork, even if I do good on it? And anyway, I'm only doing this early because Kenichi wouldn't shut up about it!"

use a single quote within a double quote

anyway it's not like, completely terrible. I guess. switching from third person to second person in the middle of the paragraph is some shit though

 

[A Hot Potato]

switching from third person to second person in the middle of the paragraph is some shit though

Where did I do that?

 

[Zǒngtǒng bǐ dēng wànsuì]

Potato what books have you read so far ?

 

[A Hot Potato]

Potato what books have you read so far ?

Not enough.

 

[eternal dog mongler]

Where did I do that?

To the joyous surprise of Waki, the tender, soothing, but sharp, grey of her mother’s eyes greeted her, from across the entrance way of the house. Her mother’s name was Toonoku Kurayami. Despite being a single mother at 36 years of age, she did not display any clue of this, in either behaviour or appearance. 5'4", and trim and athletic, she found herself the recipient of interest from the opposite sex quite frequently. Less frequently, from the same sex. She, according to her numerous admirers, was blessed to have an indefectible hourglass shape, which was supported by shapely, toned, and lengthy legs. She had returned home, Waki noted, dressed in her favourite business outfit. It consisted of a dense, purple blouse, which was fitted neither too tight, nor too loose. It possessed full length sleeves, and it's collar, undoubtedly its highest point of interest, was flared tremendously. It was a ruffled concoction, with a faded, brown sugar tint, and incredibly reminiscent of the peacock revolution that was the rage amongst the male demographic earlier in the decade. Descending to her lower body, the inkish purple furthermore displayed itself proudly on her kneeish length skirt. Included in this professional ensemble, were a pair of black stilettos, their heel stupendously tall and thin. Her bewitching legs were canvassed within milk chocolate brown stockings, guaranteeing them to be an area of immense interest for any would be admirers. Upon her right ring finger, radiated a beautiful wedding ring. It was mostly of lustrous 14 karat gold, with the important exclusion of the top most section of the ring. Crowned there, was an aqua blue moonstone, with numerous glittering diamonds, roughly half the height of the moonstone, enwrapping it tightly. She never parted with it, in spite of the union it symbolized being tragically ended too soon. Next, onto her face, you'd, perhaps, against your expectations, witness the immense grey of Toonoku's eyes performing a thorough probe of you. This examination was not just of your exterior, but, somehow, one of seemingly, your very soul. Once these perceptive eyes softened once more, you'd find pleasure at the angelically beautiful face that housed them. Perchance the only exception to this divine picture, one may have, was how the form of her mouth hid a trace of youthful mischievousness within them, especially at the times with which she grinned. Wrapping up this pleasing package, was hair with the same tremendous black that Waki possessed. Much like her daughter, she also had short and curvy hair, except she choose to fashion hers after the 1950's "new look" that she adored as a teenager.