Impractical weapons, armour, and equipment - Mike Sparks spinoff

[Pointless Pedant]

As suggested on the Mike Sparks thread in Lolcows, here is a thread for horribly designed weapons, armour, and equipment, whether in truth or fiction.

To start, here is the Landkreuzer P. 1500 Monster, a World War 2 German design for a self propelled gun bigger than a house.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landkreuzer_P._1500_Monster

The 1500 refers to its mass in tons.

 

[Reynard]

To start, here is the Landkreuzer P. 1500 Monster, a World War 2 German design for a self propelled gun bigger than a house.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landkreuzer_P._1500_Monster

The 1500 refers to its mass in tons.

Now, huge naval guns and stationary naval defense guns that are bigger than a house aren't uncommon. An 800mm round is rather ridiculous, though. The bigger naval cannons were 16in., and that's around 400mm. I think it's really optimistic for someone to try and pull that large of a gun off as artillery that's mobile by land.

As for my own entry, most experimental weaponry from the past. There's a ton of it, and I can find some specific examples if anyone wants them, but there's a reason these things are still referred to as experimental. I know the EM-2 was reported to be a good rifle that barely saw any usage (if not remained experimental, it was cancelled practically right before it was truly adopted) because NATO came in and said "you have to use the same caliber as us" and the rifle didn't convert well, but most things that were experimental and never saw mass production if any production stayed that way for a reason.

 

[TiggerNits]

Fixed wing VTOL is the ultimate in impractical and hilariously bad at everything helicopters and actual CAS platforms can do effortlessly

 

[millais]

F-35 A/B/C

 

[WW 635]

 

[ICametoLurk]

My dream is creating a black powder paper cartridge self-loading rifle that uses an enclosed belt magazine and when the paper cartidges are loaded a tiny slit is made at the back of them.

Practical? Hell no

Cool as fuck? HELL YEAH

 

[autism420]

 

[Reynard]

The Desert Eagle is a gun that's rather popular and is super impractical. It's heavy, bulky, impossible to conceal, difficult to quickdraw with, etc. Sure, it's a high caliber, but it comes at the cost, and the handgun is the weapon you either use to protect yourself while you get to your rifle (in the case of home defense) or your backup (in the case of combat), meaning that you don't want something heavy and bulky for that. There are plenty of powerful handguns that are much more practical.

 

[OtterParty]

holding up a pedophile to shield yourself from scorn and derision isn't a very effective defense when you and the pedophile come from the same online community of socially maladjusted deviants

 

[Varg Did Nothing Wrong]

This is in Taurus' "Concealed Carry" section of their website.

It's a tip-up-barrel 9 round .22LR pistol.

Unless you're concealed carrying to defend yourself from a rat, cat or maybe a small dog, I'm not sure what it's really going to be useful for.

 

[BILLY MAYS]

 

[Cato]

The Streetsweeper shotgun.

http://www.grantcunningham.com/2013/12/the-streetsweeper-shotgun-gone-and-unlamentedly-so/

A shotgun that has all the disadvantages of single action revolver, plus terrible design, functionality and construction, ridiculous loading time, gases that propel directly into the face and hands of the user while they shoot it, and an awful stock with a sharp metal edge that presses against the user's face and rides up and into it during recoil.

 

[Duke Nukem]

View attachment 201337

Ah, the all-powerful Sniper Crowbar. If you get hit by this, it's all over.

The Streetsweeper shotgun.

http://www.grantcunningham.com/2013/12/the-streetsweeper-shotgun-gone-and-unlamentedly-so/

A shotgun that has all the disadvantages of single action revolver, plus terrible design, functionality and construction, ridiculous loading time, gases that propel directly into the face and hands of the user while they shoot it, and an awful stock with a sharp metal edge that presses against the user's face and rides up and into it during recoil.

That thing is definitely junk. Not to mention that ATF labeled it a Destructive Device due to some bullshit sporting clause, there are better shotguns out there for less money and hassle.

I'm more partial to the Vepr-12 myself, as far as shotguns go, but this is the thread for IMpractical weapons.

As far as impractical guns go, try the Villar Perosa. Chambered in 9mm Glisenti, and fired in pairs, it is substantially less powerful than the otherwise equivalent 9mm Luger/Parabellum, and intended to be used as an aircraft machine gun in World War I with Italian forces.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villar-Perosa_aircraft_submachine_gun

 

[Randall Fragg]

Ah, the all-powerful Sniper Crowbar. If you get hit by this, it's all over.



That thing is definitely junk. Not to mention that ATF labeled it a Destructive Device due to some bullshit sporting clause, there are better shotguns out there for less money and hassle.

I'm more partial to the Vepr-12 myself, as far as shotguns go, but this is the thread for IMpractical weapons.

As far as impractical guns go, try the Villar Perosa. Chambered in 9mm Glisenti, and fired in pairs, it is substantially less powerful than the otherwise equivalent 9mm Luger/Parabellum, and intended to be used as an aircraft machine gun in World War I with Italian forces.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villar-Perosa_aircraft_submachine_gun

It's still pretty cool looking in a "people were expected to use this steampunk reject" way.
In a similar note, here's how they first dropped bombs from airplanes in WW1

Just tossed it right over the side.

 

[SuicideIsPainless]

 

[c-no]

Chauchat

French made machine gun rifle. As far as the gun goes, this brief excerpt from Wikipedia in terms of American use would sum it up.

I spent the last few weeks [of World War I] back in the hospital, but I’ll tell you one thing the boys later told me: The day after the Armistice they got the word to turn in their Chauchats and draw Browning Automatic Rifles. That BAR was so much better than that damned Chauchat. If we’d only had the BAR six months before, it would have saved so many lives.

If one wanted a better explanation:
After firing a few shots, these things ended up jamming. They weren't prone to jamming like other guns but guaranteed to jam. They also had an open magazine which could introduce debris, especially since this was during WWI which more or less was a way for Europeans to experience warfare in trenches. In terms of aesthetics, the gun itself is ugly. Looks wouldn't matter much for some guns like a steyr aug as long as they are reliable and can get the job done with desired results but this gun wasn't one of them (unless that result was being a shit weapon). The quote above mentions the BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle). That gun alone pretty much replaced the chauchat once American troops got their hands on that gun.

 

[Pointless Pedant]

Why having a metal surfboard for a sword isn't a very good idea:

This is in Taurus' "Concealed Carry" section of their website.

It's a tip-up-barrel 9 round .22LR pistol.

Unless you're concealed carrying to defend yourself from a rat, cat or maybe a small dog, I'm not sure what it's really going to be useful for.

A .22 pistol can be surprisingly deadly, but you'd be lucky to get a quick stop on an attacker.

Now, huge naval guns and stationary naval defense guns that are bigger than a house aren't uncommon. An 800mm round is rather ridiculous, though. The bigger naval cannons were 16in., and that's around 400mm. I think it's really optimistic for someone to try and pull that large of a gun off as artillery that's mobile by land.

As for my own entry, most experimental weaponry from the past. There's a ton of it, and I can find some specific examples if anyone wants them, but there's a reason these things are still referred to as experimental. I know the EM-2 was reported to be a good rifle that barely saw any usage (if not remained experimental, it was cancelled practically right before it was truly adopted) because NATO came in and said "you have to use the same caliber as us" and the rifle didn't convert well, but most things that were experimental and never saw mass production if any production stayed that way for a reason.

How would that thing even move? No train could carry it, and it would destroy any road it drove down.

 

[millais]

Chauchat
View attachment 201354
French made machine gun rifle. As far as the gun goes, this brief excerpt from Wikipedia in terms of American use would sum it up.

If one wanted a better explanation:
After firing a few shots, these things ended up jamming. They weren't prone to jamming like other guns but guaranteed to jam. They also had an open magazine which could introduce debris, especially since this was during WWI which more or less was a way for Europeans to experience warfare in trenches. In terms of aesthetics, the gun itself is ugly. Looks wouldn't matter much for some guns like a steyr aug as long as they are reliable and can get the job done with desired results but this gun wasn't one of them (unless that result was being a shit weapon). The quote above mentions the BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle). That gun alone pretty much replaced the chauchat once American troops got their hands on that gun.

According to Gun Jesus's shooting experience, it's a pretty good automatic rifle as long as it is kept clean.

 

[Duke Nukem]

Chauchat
View attachment 201354
French made machine gun rifle. As far as the gun goes, this brief excerpt from Wikipedia in terms of American use would sum it up.

If one wanted a better explanation:
After firing a few shots, these things ended up jamming. They weren't prone to jamming like other guns but guaranteed to jam. They also had an open magazine which could introduce debris, especially since this was during WWI which more or less was a way for Europeans to experience warfare in trenches. In terms of aesthetics, the gun itself is ugly. Looks wouldn't matter much for some guns like a steyr aug as long as they are reliable and can get the job done with desired results but this gun wasn't one of them (unless that result was being a shit weapon). The quote above mentions the BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle). That gun alone pretty much replaced the chauchat once American troops got their hands on that gun.

I almost posted the Chauchat, but I thought, nah, let's make this one more obscure, so I posted the Villar Perosa. In 8mm Lebel the Chauchat wasn't as terrible, but in 30-06, a caliber it was converted to for US troops' use, it was at its absolute worst. I have a book called The World's Worst Weapons that has quite a few that I could post here, but I'll throw this one out there for shits and giggles:

Sizaire-Berwick Armored Car AKA "Wind Wagon"

The Royal Air Force's answer to the British need for armored cars. The crew of two is well protected, but the .303 British machine gun is stuck straight forward, and the engine itself is unprotected and therefore vulnerable to anything and everything the Germans could throw at it.

It's basically a poorly constructed airplane with wheels instead of wings.

 

[Reynard]

The Streetsweeper shotgun.

http://www.grantcunningham.com/2013/12/the-streetsweeper-shotgun-gone-and-unlamentedly-so/

A shotgun that has all the disadvantages of single action revolver, plus terrible design, functionality and construction, ridiculous loading time, gases that propel directly into the face and hands of the user while they shoot it, and an awful stock with a sharp metal edge that presses against the user's face and rides up and into it during recoil.

Last time I checked it was called the Armsel Protecta/Striker. Or is this a different gun that looks the same?
Never knew that about that gun, but I know that the shells have to be loaded one at a time, and the twelve-round drum makes that a pain.

I almost posted the Chauchat, but I thought, nah, let's make this one more obscure, so I posted the Villar Perosa. In 8mm Lebel the Chauchat wasn't as terrible, but in 30-06, a caliber it was converted to for US troops' use, it was at its absolute worst.

Damnit! You beat me to it! I can still add that the .30-06 Chauchats were all destroyed after the war, though.

I have a book called The World's Worst Weapons that has quite a few that I could post here

Sounds right up my alley. Mind linking me to an amazon page?