Introducing the New 'New Warriors' - The classic team reunites to mentor a new generation of heroes!

Summer Sommerland

The crazies are bunnies!!
Even outside of this godawful New Warriors reboot, Marvel "events" just keep getting weaker and weaker. Oh no, kid superheroes are outlawed unless they're being supervised. Such a horrible thing.
This already happened during the whole 'Avengers vs. X-Men' storyline.

The Avengers (who I assumed was working with the government at the time) won that fight and they took some of the mutant kids to Avengers Academy so they could 'supervise them'.

Errrrr...I think that that's what happened after Scarlet Witch helped Hope Summers get rid of the Phoenix finally....

Haven't really been able to keep up with all of the new storylines for a few years asides finding ones at the library once in a blue moon (we have no comic or bookstore here -_-;; )

I know of the entire Hope Summers storyline from her being born and raised by Cable in the future; coming back and destroying Bastion, killing Cable in the process; to when she shortly becoming the Phoenix before Scarlet Witch helped her get rid of it.

I also know of the time-hopping X-Men being mentored by Magneto and also some of Jubilee turning into a vampire and becoming an adopted mom while becoming a mentor for a new Generation X team (which totally SUCKED compared to the original team!!!)...and then I heard about Wolverine's death (did they bring him back yet? Because...ya know, they ALWAYS bring dead characters back eventually..)

I know very little about any of the Avengers new storylines. Read Avengers Academy and was a huge fan of the OLD Avengers from the 60s (my Dad's collection) to the late 90s/early 00s.

But really?! They're really actually SERIOUS about this team?!

I loved Night Thrasher and Firestar, they're classic characters. Come on Marvel, don't degrade them by making them mentors to this 'team' of degenerates!!

Next Task

True & Honest Fan
I mean, Marvel and DC have been hiring directly from Tumblr and Twitter for a while now. They don't make them any money, so I have no idea why.
Because they're very cheap and meritocracies aren't inclusive, bigot. And it's clear they don't care about little things like quality or profitability.

I mean, last year they both hired Zoe Quinn, and she wasn't their worst hire because her comics are just cringily mediocre rather than laughably terrible. Tells you all you need to know about their current standards.

Marissa Moira
Does Sam and Max count as a diversity comic because it's a Brown Dog and a White Rabbit who have made up positions of authority?

Xenozoic Tales was also good, and Jack and Hanna had an interesting character dynamic.

I mean granted none of those were made with the sole distinction of selling merchandise and farming social media like like Double New Warriors, but they at least told competent stories and had a sense of humor.

Dr W

Kill them all, God knows His own
Four Chan is somewhere between a hacker, detective, and a super-scientist. He has a stunning intuition and technical know-how, and functions as a direct rival to Screentime. He always seems to be one step ahead of the New Warriors, able to locate their secret bases and predict their next move. In a fight against Screentime, after showing his total power over him, he gives a speech "You think the internet is your ally? You merely adopted the internet. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't leave my parent's basement until I was already a man, by then there was nothing but normalfags."

In an attempt to remedy an internal conflict he climbs into device of his own construction that can "double ones power". The device is destroyed, but he evolves and becomes 8 Chan (Everyone calls him eight chan, but he insists on being called infinity chan). He becomes even more difficult for the New Warriors to deal with. He assembles remote clues to discover their plans, immediately figures out their secret identities and where they live (which he spreads on the internet), and develops even more overwhelmingly powerful technology. However at the same time he is more insane, more radical, and less filtered. He is consumed by his 8 Chan identity. He takes a very Joker-esque "Everyone can become like me if given the right push" sort of attitude.

Some Gary Stu bullshit (in the words of 8 Chan) brings Screentime up to 8 Chan's level, and so 8 Chan and his crew determines that he needs to evolve again. He builds a machine that will take him into his final form, Infinity Next. However he is pushed to hard and when he tries to ascend he instead crashes. The process leaves him scared and deformed, and even more insane. With him now vulnerable, the New Warriors take advantage of his weakened state and are able to defeat him. A snowflake shuriken in his forehead finishes him off, or so we think. In reality he shatters into innumerable different villains, all similar, all psychically linked, and yet all filled with some form of hate, distrust, or general dislike for each other. Should they unite into Infinity Next they would certainly become an unstoppable force, but until then they are more a thorn in the side of the New Worriers, occasionally dangerous (or very dangerous when allied with other groups) but not the persistent threat that he was.
As 8Chan 'died', he laughed at his killer, claiming that his protege was far more powerful than even he could have been as Infinity Next. The Toad, his most loyal son, had reached true Apotheosis and became the newest form of the primordial Lord Kekh, reaching such power that he transcended the physical plane and embedded himself into the mannerisms of each and every one of the CIS Lords, warping them even further in exchange for his PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER. Twisted, malformed cultists chant His name in thousands upon thousands of bunkers across the world, and he hungers for tendies and souls. His mighty Meme Magic can make things happen purely on the belief that they will, and with millions under His dark wings, he can Meme Magic almost anything into existence with but a wave of His hand.
Lord KEK.jpg


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Dr W

Kill them all, God knows His own
Also internet gas was used because they didn't want to say nanomachines because Revengence is a bad thing to introduce new people to.

Senator Armstrong is a bad guy and nobody should praise him even in joking, so you don't get your nanomachines, you get your internet gas.
Shut the fuck up, Armstrong did nothing wrong, Armstrong 2020.
You Don't Fuck With This Senator.


True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
.....Why do they both have vitiligo?

I unironically thought it was a parody when they first unveiled this shit.
I'm sure the brick and mortar comic stores that were already on life support and will flat out fucking die with a month of no walk-in business are going to be thrilled at Marvel's commercial acumen releasing garbage like this while the industry burns to the ground.

Piga Dgrifm

Where are those good old fashioned values?
True & Honest Fan
>Time to represent the LGBT community.
>Have a brilliant idea.
>Instead of making a character that happens to be gay, I'll make them a made up gender that Internet losers pretend to be so they can be ~quirky.
>Literally name one of them Snowflake.
>They're also sexual deviants in incest with each other.
>Wonder why everyone is laughing.

Guts Gets Some

Herbie is bae
You know what I love? Parody that is so genius, only because it's completely lacking self-awareness.

This would be an amazing ironic comic, poking fun at modern day identity politics, with literally nothing changed.

The nearest thing that rivals it is Chris' comic counterpart literally painting who he really is through his actions, despite all physical claims to the contrary.
Like, seriously, here's your trophy for rivaling CWC in terms of autism.

That being said, I wonder if Chris would actually love this or not.

It's shit like this that makes this actually viable as one of the greatest parodies of the decade, about the decade. (I almost thought it was real at first too)
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