Dramacow Jacob Wohl / JacobAWohl / Matthew Cohen / Surefire Intelligence / NeX Capital Management - Far-right shill and banned investor, best known for "hipster coffee shops" and attempting to frame Mueller

Zhoban

Bougie von Savage
kiwifarms.net
713472


Jacob Wohl, born December 12, 1997, is a Jewish-American political pundit and Sunglass Hut employee, best known for essentially jumping in front of buses, for 15 minutes of national fame. By the time he was 20, he managed to get banned for life by the National Futures Association, for defrauding people by taking their money and transferring it to his mother's account. After becoming an ardent Trump supporter, he came to social media prominence for his constant tweets about "hipster coffee shops" where he claimed liberals were muttering about looking to switch sides. Of course, his biggest moment under the Sun came when he and his attorney attempted to bribe women to claim that Robert Mueller raped them.

He's now banned from Twitter and other social media platforms, but he's still a golden ever-lactating lolcow, with new content on a regular basis.

Hedge Funds

In 2014, when little Jacob was 17, he founded Wohl Capital Investment Group, NeX Capital Management, and Montgomery Assets, Inc., prompting him to introduce himself as the "Wohl of Wall Street". I'm not making that up. He attempted to start his own Playboy Bunny/Corey's Angels variant called the "Wohl Girls", even registering wohlgirls.com, but according to Wayback Machine the brand never got on its feet. Instead, he began his practice of Copy-Pasting images of people without their permission, to tell a narrative.

On top of wohlsgirls.com, Jacob also is the proud owner of http://buyaslut.com and http://buyabadbitch.com.

In 2016, just as the election was kicking into high gear, the National Futures Association had received several complaints, including from a David Diedrich, about mismanagement of investors' funds. With a few simple Google searches, they discovered that Jacob had been acting as a manager before getting registered with them. Also, with Jacob claiming that he had ten years of investment background, he would have been in 2nd grade when he started. So, after having secured some compelling evidence, some NFA agents drove to Jacob's house - twice - where the kid and his brother were seen hiding and pretending to not be there, while filming them with their phones. They then drove to several listed addresses, which included the closed-down La Sierra University's Business School, as well as a random-ass house where the people had never heard of Jacob. His father threatened the agents over the phone shortly after, which didn't help what was supposed to be a routine investigation. (Source)

After this had begun, Jacob appeared in an article by ValueWalk, where he talked about how out-of-control the NFA had gotten and how abnormal it was for them to attempt to address security fraud in person. But, most of all, he wanted to point out that he had paid Instagram models to escort him around.

SPOILER ALERT: Jacob was banned from trading for life on March 2, 2017.

Hipster Coffee Shops

Throughout 2018, Jacob started a trend of posting on Twitter about going to "hipster coffee shops", where obvious liberals - skinny jeans, beanies and E-cigarettes - talked about how great they had discovered Trump to really be.

714265


...In a feature run by USA Today, Jacob revealed he made all of it up.

Surefire Intelligence - "where on the doll did the Mueller touch you?"

With the midterm elections looming, Jacob's next scheme was to found the private security firm Surefire Intelligence. Jacob created a number of fake LinkedIn accounts for employees, including Tel Aviv Station Chief Talia Yaniv (supermodel Bar Rafaeli), private investigator Mark Teller (supermodel Nick Hopper), Donald Treehorn (Nick Hopper-- again), finance investigator Simon Frick (Academy Award-winning Christoph Waltz) and managing partner Matthew Cohen (verified exceptional individual Jacob Wohl). The company line was set to Jacob's mother.

Jacob advertised Surefire on Craigslist, which prompted one poor sap to ask for help with recovering her stolen car. Going by Matthew Cohen, Jacob accepted the job, pocketed the $1,200 advance and never communicated with the client again. Another client of Surefire's was Carolyne Cass, who offered $2,000 for assistance recovering stolen money. Instead, Jac-- I meant, Matthew, asked Cass if she would sign an affidavit swearing that Mueller had raped her in New York eight years prior. Naturally, Cass refused, so Jacob and his attorney, Jack Burkman, forged her signature on the aforementioned affidavit.

He tried to claim that the woman in this picture was of Cass. Unfortunately, anyone with a brain was able to reverse Google search it and find that it was an older picture of Jacob posing with his girlfriend.
714266


Vermont Law School professor Jessica Taub reported to the FBI that Surefire contacted her, requesting that she allege that Mueller raped her. A woman called Lorraine Parsons contacted a number of media outlets, stating that Jacob and Jack had tried bribing her with $20,000, if she signed an affidavit Mueller raped her while working in the same community as him. With the scheme blowing up in Jacob and Jack's faces, their next tactic was to claim that Mueller was behind everything and that Lorraine Parsons didn't exist. Additionally, Jacob denied that he had any connection with Surefire.

That is, until Jacob and Jack held this infamous press conference on November 1, holding an affidavit with Carolyne Cass' forged signature...
"Are you both prepared for federal prison?"

Of all the days he picked out of a hat for being the one that Mueller raped a woman, it happened to be when Mueller was reporting for jury duty. Jacob was sure to proclaim that it's nobody's business whether or not he dates Instagram models. Seriously, does he believe anyone else on Planet Earth gives a fuck?

Twitter Ban

On February 26, 2019, USA Today ran an article on Jacob. He admitted to not only pulling the "hipster coffee shops" claims out of his ass, but attempting to spread disinformation through social media - particularly Twitter - in the hopes of influencing the 2020 presidential election. Twitter immediately perma-banned his ass. It's usually not a good idea to declare a plot before you've even begun.

"I was just threatened by Matthew Cohen!"

Jacob and fellow troll, Laura Loomer, traveled to terrifying Minneapolis in March 2019. Wearing bulletproof vests, (so you know it's super scary), they were on their way to find out if Congresswoman Ilhan Omar had married her own brother, when a well-dressed diversity coordinator @Drakehomes612 threatened them with pre-made lines.

“I hope you fuckin know that if bump into you in Dinkytown or anywhere else in my city I’m going to shoot you and shit on your fucking bodies. Get the fuck out of my city you piece of shit. Now.”
When investigative journalists looked into "Drake Holmes", (misspelling his own handle, of course), it was discovered that it was fake; Jacob had falsified a police report. The picture that was used was of Aaron Delgado, who is a Minneapolis local and mortgage specialist. Naturally, Dellgado's none too pleased, so it took only a week for him to file a lawsuit. The best part? Fellow lolcow and ambulance chaser Michael Avenatti is representing Delgado. Though, I think his plate will be full for the next... 20-30 years.

Also, as of today, when The Young Turks filed for a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request about Jacob, it was denied, on the basis of it being an active investigation. He's not out of hot water with the FBI, after the Mueller stunt he pulled.

Jacob's Accounts:
Twitter (Banned) / Archive listing
YouTube* / Archive
Facebook Page / Archive
Soundcloud (For his now-defunct site: offendedamerica.com / The Washington Reporter-- it won't archive)
Instagram (Doesn't archive)

Jacob's Known Websites:
https://jacobwohl.org (Archive)
https://surefireintelligence.com (Archive)
https://offendedamerica.com (Now defunct; Archive listing)
https://culttture.com/ (Archive) (Started with Laura Loomer and Ali Alexander, who is a potential cow himself)
 
Last edited:

Wake me up

CωC Club founder
kiwifarms.net
This is the kind of guy that will try anything to become rich and famous and fail every single time - but that, if by pure dumb luck he succeeded, would still manage to lose everything in less than a year because he's such a fucking lolcow. Nice thread, looking forward to what's next!

Honestly, I have a hard time believing he hasn't been put in jail yet, as the video says, and wouldn't be surprised at all if it happened tomorrow.
 

KotatsuApe

It's warm in here
kiwifarms.net
This one is interesting, with all his attempts to become the next Jordan Belfort surely this thread will never lack content.
 
Reactions: Zhoban

Feline Darkmage

Feelin Dankmeme
Staff Member
Moderator
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
This guys possibly the dumbest motherfucker to ever breathe. It's hard to imagine a cow that stays so milkable even after being banned (and not coming back) from his main online platform and yet here we are, blessed with this nugget of stupidity.
 

Zhoban

Bougie von Savage
kiwifarms.net
Deadspin published an article yesterday about a press conference they attended yesterday, where Jacob and Jack revealed the findings of an extensive 5-week investigation.

With only two people having showed up, Jacob claimed to have uncovered the biggest conspiracy ever about the NCAA, with Adidas offering money and goods to college athletes and their families if they play for them. Jacob literally pulled a fucking curtain away from a TV screen, where he revealed his sole witness, one-time Dallas Cowboy benchwarmer Lewis Neal, who said that the University of Tennessee offered him a "nothing crazy" amount of money.

Like a co-host of paid programming, Jacob exclaimed, "This is a bombshell! This is the first I’ve heard of this!”

Seriously, five weeks? They spent five weeks digging and all they could come up with was a failed athlete rambling about the Vols - not Adidas - offering him money to play for them?
 
Reactions: wabbits

Zhoban

Bougie von Savage
kiwifarms.net
729042


Wow. He's actually pretending to be his own paparazzi, while walking in and out of government buildings for attention. I hope Jack is at least paying for Jacob's Happy Meals.

When it rains, it pours for with this little guy.
 
Last edited:

Wake me up

CωC Club founder
kiwifarms.net
Mentioning yourself to be in the "information warfare" business is the most asinine thing you could do in the information warfare business. This guy cannot have an IQ higher than 80-85. The fact he thinks he's a bigshot just further compounds as evidence.
 

moseph.jartelli

kiwifarms.net
View attachment 713472

Jacob Wohl, born December 12, 1997, is a Jewish-American political pundit and Sunglass Hut employee, best known for essentially jumping in front of buses, for 15 minutes of national fame. By the time he was 20, he managed to get banned for life by the National Futures Association, for defrauding people by taking their money and transferring it to his mother's account. After becoming an ardent Trump supporter, he came to social media prominence for his constant tweets about "hipster coffee shops" where he claimed liberals were muttering about looking to switch sides. Of course, his biggest moment under the Sun came when he and his attorney attempted to bribe women to claim that Robert Mueller raped them.

He's now banned from Twitter and other social media platforms, but he's still a golden ever-lactating lolcow, with new content on a regular basis.

Hedge Funds

In 2014, when little Jacob was 17, he founded Wohl Capital Investment Group, NeX Capital Management, and Montgomery Assets, Inc., prompting him to introduce himself as the "Wohl of Wall Street". I'm not making that up. He attempted to start his own Playboy Bunny/Corey's Angels variant called the "Wohl Girls", even registering wohlgirls.com, but according to Wayback Machine the brand never got on its feet. Instead, he began his practice of Copy-Pasting images of people without their permission, to tell a narrative.

On top of wohlsgirls.com, Jacob also is the proud owner of http://buyaslut.com and http://buyabadbitch.com.

In 2016, just as the election was kicking into high gear, the National Futures Association had received several complaints, including from a David Diedrich, about mismanagement of investors' funds. With a few simple Google searches, they discovered that Jacob had been acting as a manager before getting registered with them. Also, with Jacob claiming that he had ten years of investment background, he would have been in 2nd grade when he started. So, after having secured some compelling evidence, some NFA agents drove to Jacob's house - twice - where the kid and his brother were seen hiding and pretending to not be there, while filming them with their phones. They then drove to several listed addresses, which included the closed-down La Sierra University's Business School, as well as a random-ass house where the people had never heard of Jacob. His father threatened the agents over the phone shortly after, which didn't help what was supposed to be a routine investigation. (Source)

After this had begun, Jacob appeared in an article by ValueWalk, where he talked about how out-of-control the NFA had gotten and how abnormal it was for them to attempt to address security fraud in person. But, most of all, he wanted to point out that he had paid Instagram models to escort him around.

SPOILER ALERT: Jacob was banned from trading for life on March 2, 2017.

Hipster Coffee Shops

Throughout 2018, Jacob started a trend of posting on Twitter about going to "hipster coffee shops", where obvious liberals - skinny jeans, beanies and E-cigarettes - talked about how great they had discovered Trump to really be.

View attachment 714265

...In a feature run by USA Today, Jacob revealed he made all of it up.

Surefire Intelligence - "where on the doll did the Mueller touch you?"

With the midterm elections looming, Jacob's next scheme was to found the private security firm Surefire Intelligence. Jacob created a number of fake LinkedIn accounts for employees, including Tel Aviv Station Chief Talia Yaniv (supermodel Bar Rafaeli), private investigator Mark Teller (supermodel Nick Hopper), Donald Treehorn (Nick Hopper-- again), finance investigator Simon Frick (Academy Award-winning Christoph Waltz) and managing partner Matthew Cohen (verified exceptional individual Jacob Wohl). The company line was set to Jacob's mother.

Jacob advertised Surefire on Craigslist, which prompted one poor sap to ask for help with recovering her stolen car. Going by Matthew Cohen, Jacob accepted the job, pocketed the $1,200 advance and never communicated with the client again. Another client of Surefire's was Carolyne Cass, who offered $2,000 for assistance recovering stolen money. Instead, Jac-- I meant, Matthew, asked Cass if she would sign an affidavit swearing that Mueller had raped her in New York eight years prior. Naturally, Cass refused, so Jacob and his attorney, Jack Burkman, forged her signature on the aforementioned affidavit.

He tried to claim that the woman in this picture was of Cass. Unfortunately, anyone with a brain was able to reverse Google search it and find that it was an older picture of Jacob posing with his girlfriend.
View attachment 714266

Vermont Law School professor Jessica Taub reported to the FBI that Surefire contacted her, requesting that she allege that Mueller raped her. A woman called Lorraine Parsons contacted a number of media outlets, stating that Jacob and Jack had tried bribing her with $20,000, if she signed an affidavit Mueller raped her while working in the same community as him. With the scheme blowing up in Jacob and Jack's faces, their next tactic was to claim that Mueller was behind everything and that Lorraine Parsons didn't exist. Additionally, Jacob denied that he had any connection with Surefire.

That is, until Jacob and Jack held this infamous press conference on November 1, holding an affidavit with Carolyne Cass' forged signature...
"Are you both prepared for federal prison?"

Of all the days he picked out of a hat for being the one that Mueller raped a woman, it happened to be when Mueller was reporting for jury duty. Jacob was sure to proclaim that it's nobody's business whether or not he dates Instagram models. Seriously, does he believe anyone else on Planet Earth gives a fuck?

Twitter Ban

On February 26, 2019, USA Today ran an article on Jacob. He admitted to not only pulling the "hipster coffee shops" claims out of his ass, but attempting to spread disinformation through social media - particularly Twitter - in the hopes of influencing the 2020 presidential election. Twitter immediately perma-banned his ass. It's usually not a good idea to declare a plot before you've even begun.

"I was just threatened by Matthew Cohen!"

Jacob and fellow troll, Laura Loomer, traveled to terrifying Minneapolis in March 2019. Wearing bulletproof vests, (so you know it's super scary), they were on their way to find out if Congresswoman Ilhan Omar had married her own brother, when a well-dressed diversity coordinator @Drakehomes612 threatened them with pre-made lines.



When investigative journalists looked into "Drake Holmes", (misspelling his own handle, of course), it was discovered that it was fake; Jacob had falsified a police report. The picture that was used was of Aaron Delgado, who is a Minneapolis local and mortgage specialist. Naturally, Dellgado's none too pleased, so it took only a week for him to file a lawsuit. The best part? Fellow lolcow and ambulance chaser Michael Avenatti is representing Delgado. Though, I think his plate will be full for the next... 20-30 years.

Also, as of today, when The Young Turks filed for a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request about Jacob, it was denied, on the basis of it being an active investigation. He's not out of hot water with the FBI, after the Mueller stunt he pulled.

Jacob's Accounts:
Twitter (Banned) / Archive listing
YouTube* / Archive
Facebook Page / Archive
Soundcloud (For his now-defunct site: offendedamerica.com / The Washington Reporter-- it won't archive)
Instagram (Doesn't archive)

Jacob's Known Websites:
https://jacobwohl.org (Archive)
https://surefireintelligence.com (Archive)
https://offendedamerica.com (Now defunct; Archive listing)
https://culttture.com/ (Archive) (Started with Laura Loomer and Ali Alexander, who is a potential cow himself)
Reading this makes me feel like Martin Shkrelli buttfucked Russel Greer and birthed this turd.
 

thismanlies

The Funnest Part of Gaming is Looting Corpses.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Vermont Law School professor Jessica Taub reported to the FBI that Surefire contacted her, requesting that she allege that Mueller raped her. A woman called Lorraine Parsons contacted a number of media outlets, stating that Jacob and Jack had tried bribing her with $20,000, if she signed an affidavit Mueller raped her while working in the same community as him. With the scheme blowing up in Jacob and Jack's faces, their next tactic was to claim that Mueller was behind everything and that Lorraine Parsons didn't exist. Additionally, Jacob denied that he had any connection with Surefire.

That is, until Jacob and Jack held this infamous press conference on November 1, holding an affidavit with Carolyne Cass' forged signature...
"Are you both prepared for federal prison?"

Of all the days he picked out of a hat for being the one that Mueller raped a woman, it happened to be when Mueller was reporting for jury duty.
Of all the days he chose and he chose the one where Mueller was in jury duty. It’s like God himself was saying he’s a lousy con artist.
 
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