JAIMAS PLAYS A TERRIBLE GAME: BLOOD PACT - ....in which transgender porn and improper adjective use leads to comic gold

Madam Nekromantik

What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
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I wish it would go full Slaaneshi, then at least it'd be creepy in a cool Hellraiser kind of way instead of an existential "I'm glad I don't have children" kind of way.
When a German Cis man is more extreme then a sex demon god. The whole thing really was tame for a succubus/incubus (I use both terms because in lore they could switch gender on a whim. That's something he almost got right).
 

Keystone

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I'd say the "don't know where to find the clitoris" quip is more projection than anything. Phil himself couldn't find it since he couldn't find a girlfriend in the first place; ergo he decided to become the girlfriend because the alternative required too much work and maturity.

Also like the kiwi above noted, if you're dripping precum and aren't in an erect or aroused state then you should probably go see a doctor.
 

AnOminous

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If the book Ana is referring to is a literary (gender) theory book, then nabbing a term from it and then defending its usage is sort of like saying, "Hey, don't make fun of me for eating this rotten banana, I found it in a perfectly good dumpster."

So he stole a stupid fucking phrase from another fucking idiot. And we're supposed to know about some idiotic troon shit and care about it why exactly?
 

Jaimas

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.....How am I this capable of triggering these idiots. I made a review loaded with bad jokes and memes that Ana literally had to track down manually to check out and complain about.

That's next-level triggering.

....It's also hilarious, because it means she cares far more about me laughing at it than I care about her game in general.
 

Prompt Critical

apropos-of-nothing
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814127


Trigger warnings: assuming author's gender, using gendered language.

Yikes. Be better, Ana!
 

Smiling Honeybadger

Still not giving a fuck.
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Trigger warnings: assuming author's gender, using gendered language.

Yikes. Be better, Ana!

To be able to play the game it should have a minimum amount of interactivity. What I gathered from Jaimas' review, it was just a spank fantasy you clicked through.

And great that Ana did gracefully ignore the remarks about the questionable consent that was described. Hypno-Sex and turning horny yet naive dickgirl into a disciple of what could easily be a Tranny-Sex-Death-Cult.
 

Cubanodun

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So let's unpack the above word-vomit: This demon was born because humans hate dickgirls.

Japan says otherwise, also /d/

.....Remember, dicks that taste like strawberries aren't for everyone.
Consult your doctor before using candypenises.

Normally people that believe this shit are total virgins that are only fueled by being horny i mean no one is going to touch those crazy lunatics, except maybe other crazy lunatics

Do normal human beings talk like this?

No, and they probably put that because they believe that if they are put in that situation they believe is going to be like that when in reality is going to involve a lot of awkward humping and someone falling out of the bed


Or you can buy /d/ favorite animes, like Bible black, or Discode or that joke one that people like watch in a dare like Futabu, is incredible more realistic and with better writing that this crap
 

Zaryiu

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When goodly @CatParty asked me to review Ana Valens' recently-created trans porn game, Blood Pact, his doing so, I feel, was equal parts irony and a desire to see some genuinely mockery-worthy content. It helps that Valens was sperging out hardcore about Cyberpunk 2077, arguing that it was somehow offensive against or exploitative of transgendered people - while at the same fucking time, releasing what was honest-to-god trans porn, and from what other Kiwis had told me of her writing style, there was no way anything I could write about this would result in anything other than the funniest shit we'd seen in days. Making some arrangements, I grabbed a bottle of Corvossieur, booted up the twine link, and prepared myself for an experience which would test how well the Farms had inured me to such horrors.

If nothing else, I had the distinct impression that this would provide hilarious insights into Ana Valens' mental state. Let's challenge. Site loads up, and.....

View attachment 812342


.....It crashed immediately because Brave hates Twine. Part of me hoped that this was not an isolated occurence, but then Firefox managed to run it, and I was confronted with this:

View attachment 812344

....I'm not afraid to admit I made a similar face to the character in front when I saw this.
I stared at the "I am 18+ and agree" button, knowing only horror lay beyond this point.

This is my only warning to those who ignored the tag and proceeded beyond into this thread: Your last chance to bail is coming up. I will not think less of you for doing so, believe me. It's not too late to save yourself. If you wonder what I mean by that, please take notice of that first line: of any real-life aspects being coincidental. For reference, here is an image of what Ana Valens actually looks like:

View attachment 812346

The implication, 30 seconds in, is that the demon in this work of smut is modeled after her.
Consider this your last chance to bail. Otherwise salt the earth and burn the fields, for we tilt into hell itself.

View attachment 812352



All right, so we're exactly one page into this smut-fic and we already can determine several things about the character we've found ourselves with, Ana as a writer, and about this setting. First of all, a collegiate trans with a not-accepting family. So what we can immediately gather is that this character, like its writer, is a Troon.

It's especially obvious because they literally have no characteristics put forth except trans, oppressed, and horny.



Part of me was hoping we were in a Bluebeard situation and she'd come upon the bloodless corpses of a thousand trannies murdered by the Farms, but then I realized we were in the middle of the setup for a smut situation and the entire way this was going to pan out was right in front of me: Emily was fucking around with something she shouldn't have, the college has occult books for reasons, someone's going to get possessed, and it's going to graduate into grotesque butt-sex.

Let's see if we're right or not.



....Yep, proceeding exactly as I suspected it would. Hope one of you picks up that phone, because I FUCKING CALLED IT!

Look, protip to all aspiring smut-writers out there: there is never a bad time to put effort in. If your entire story is literally something that's been done in porn for generations, maybe take steps to make it less obvious, or at least do something interesting or unique with it. This isn't it. When you put in that your protagonist jerks it to transgender witch porn on the first page, setups like this are fucking obvious. Fine if the only thing you're trying to do is make spank material, but if you're going to do something like this, why not bring your A-Game? You can make better porn. You can put some heart into it. Whatever you do, don't do this, where there's zero buildup and zero characterization and no attempt to do anything clever going in.

I've seen lemon slash-fiction written about this forum's members with more elegant setups than this. Fucking hell.

View attachment 812402



I love that the demon-thing is covered with bandages and is quite obviously also a transwoman. There is zero effort being put forth there on that front, except that this appears to be a demon of transgenderdom, which may or may not confirm a long-held Kiwi Farms theory that troons are the work of the devil. That's not me making a terrible joke, either, the writing literally says this on the following page, emphasis mine in orange:



View attachment 812423

So let's unpack the above word-vomit: This demon was born because humans hate dickgirls.

....
That is literally the most retarded thing I've read in a Let's Sperg for this website, and I played through Hackers vs Banksters. There are entire 2ch-style imageboards devoted solely to such content. There's entire communities devoted to such content. When it comes to drawn porn alone, it's such a common fetish on certain websites that it's barely even questioned. And it's not just drawn porn, either, the entire Troon community as a whole is infamous for pushing transwomen towards sex work for the sake of feeding fetishists. It's one of those unpleasant little things the troon community likes to pretend isn't the case, because it's directly tied to the fact that trans people murdered in the US are fucking killed in such work.

If Ana breaks out the usual talking points, I'll grind this one further into the ground, but for now, I want to know on what planet transwomen have more estrogen than actual women do.



.....Idle question: when did it become SOP for trannies to refer to their dicks as clits? Don't answer that, I'll sleep better tonight for never having known.
At any rate, it seems we're about to race into smutland. Fairly warned be ye.

Idly, the scenario has proceeded forwards exactly as I said it would several pages ago, and I didn't read this at all before this article. Fun!



I understand this content is now banned from Pinterest. I'm not going anywhere with this, I just find it hilarious, and presumably several of you will as well.




View attachment 812442

About ten pages in, I realize this isn't really a game. Not really. It has no interactivity or player choice and it's hilariously light on images. thought I put a moratorium on putting non-interactive experiences in JPATG, but in my race to mock this for you, I violated my own rules. Well, fuck it, we're 12 pages deep into girldicks and demons, so I'ma keep going. The writing's slightly better than most JPATG fodder, but this isn't being put on the bottom ten list unless it manages to fuck up spectacularly.

But there is one area that this shit-show has managed to be endlessly entertaining for me for about four pages now. Like no joke, I've been laughing my ass off at it, and I'm sure some of you missed it. Don't worry, I'll share it with you, and once I do, I'm going to make this entire thing a fuck of a lot more entertaining for all involved, I promise. But first, a little bit of a side-story from my youth. Don't worry, it's relevant.

So back when I was in high school, one of my english teachers had a teacher's assistant and she was kind of a dumb bitch. She was, however, responsible for one of the funniest things I'd ever heard back then, when she was doing a demo report on the Legend of Heracles. During the report, the aide, master of the english language that she was (the sort who would pronounce the word "sword" the way it was spelled), relied a bit too hard on ye olde thesaurus, and it may have taken her down a rather tragic road - tragic for her, but hilarious for everyone else. She was clearly looking for adjectives similar to "heroic," and some brilliant motherfucker someplace at Houghton Mifflin steered her into using the word "phallic." So at this point, she goes on about how Heracles was a very phallic individual and suddenly she's giving me the stink-eye because I'm laughing my rear end off. She kept doing it, too, and I was struggling not to bust out laughing again. Seven times in, I failed to stifle it again and she gave me in-school suspension for the day.

The key to the humor here is the word phallic itself. It doesn't mean what my teacher aide thought it meant.
It also sure as hell doesn't mean what Ana thinks it does. So when the succubus refers to herself and other trannies as "Phallic Women," Oxford demonstrates why you should be chuckling:



I'm sure that Ana meant "women with penises," but that isn't what she wrote - she wrote women who look like penises.

View attachment 812481




So now we get hot-and heavy as the two disembodied penises grind sweatily together (because this is what Ana wrote), making awkward dialogue that's been seen in like 140 different works. I swear to god, if I see a "your body doesn't lie," I'm going to end this review at exactly that point and spam out-of-context lines from hentai manga for the rest of this review.



We're rocketing towards troon buttsecks land, and there's honestly not a hell of a lot for me to mock here other than the prose, content, and complete lack of effort. What I do find strange is that by all accounts, Ana got six images for this little porn-session, and we've seen at least three of them, if not four. Which means we only have two to three more images and god only knows how many pages of this to go.

Courage, Kiwis.



....All right, so this one implies several things - namely that our protagonist either wants to bang natal women, or wants trannies to be the only women. It's kind of hard to say which is more distressing.



.....The rational part of me wants to stop now.

The Kiwi component, the part that considers no shit too minor, wants to ask how the fuck a troon is allegedly dripping from sexual arousal, when the prospect that we may be facing a stink ditch situation looms large, making that component also want to flee and also maybe stockpile ammunition and incendiary weapons.



I feel like this review needs a touch of class. Lucas King, if you'd kindly:


Let us collectively lament lost innocence, before we continue.

:bluelabel: :fapcup:

Take as many shots as desired.



IT BEGINS. YOU WERE WARNED, PEOPLE.

View attachment 812497



.....Remember, dicks that taste like strawberries aren't for everyone.
Consult your doctor before using candypenises.



.....You kind of already sucked her girldick. It's kind of late to reconsider.

The fuck even is this writing?
It's making me nostalgic for the dulcet tones of Peter Chimera.



Picture, if you will, Ana, as she writes the above paragraphs. She squints, the smut insufficent. "You know what this needs? More sexual deviancy."

And lo, she made it so.

View attachment 812507



So to clarify - an intentionally exploitative ad in Cyberpunk 2077 - one to establish the dehumanizing and degrading nature of corporatism - is problematic and hurtful according to Ana, because not all trannies can get erections or have access to the medical care they need to pass. Meanwhile, two trannies fucking and engaging in fucking tentacle sex with fully working dicks and looking relatively female in openly sexually-exploitative art and prose is perfectly acceptable. I don't really need to say anything further, you can mock Ana just fine for pages with this shit alone.

I wonder if Ana's written any more shit like this? I'll check wattpad later.



PLOT TWIST: The succubus created Zinnia Jones.



Wait a fucking second, how did I miss that? "Felanya?"

You name a fucking character an animal's genus plus the Japanese onomatopoeia of the noise it makes?

:story:



View attachment 812524

Sanic spoke a bleak truth. I think we're close to the end at least.

View attachment 812526



I actually made that face, once too. It was when I was like 10, and it was this one time I fell off my bike and crashed balls-first into a mailbox.
Don't laugh, that's how we toughened ourselves up back in the 90s.

It's like when Muay Thai fighters kick trees to cause microfractures in their legs so that when their legs heal, they're stronger.
Everyone wanted to be able to Colonel Buzzcut off groin injuries back then.



And so the disembodied penises continued to frot horrifyingly as booze consumption on the farms spiked one-hundred-fold.



....So let me get this straight. The summoned succubus fucked the other transwoman and then gave her homework?

View attachment 812543



....And then it ends, but we get an Afterword:



Wow, it's like a who's who of troon lolcows in here, and with that it's perfectly obvious who this was designed for. When the very first person you cover as a "sensitivity reader" is the sexually-aggressive man-jaw Michelle Perez, a lot falls into place.

How do I even describe this particular JPATG entrant? It's porn, and admittedly, shockingly vanilla for the particular sphere it came from. Every aspect of it is completely forgettable and average except for the writing flubs and similar stupidity. It's very clearly spank material with no greater purpose. It honestly would be below the notice of most (especially me) save for the obvious Lolcow caliber of Ana Valens herself, who decided to shit this thing out at the same time she was complaining about media featuring trannies to be offensive to her for reasons she can't really elaborate on. I wasn't as horrified as I was expecting to be, and the fact that this proceeded exactly as I said it was going to about a minute in speaks volumes about Ana as a writer.

In conclusion, it's pretty shit, but you knew that. It's not even worth the bottom 10 list. But at least it left us with a very valuable lesson, Kiwis:

Women who look like penises are hated by humans. And I think that if we've gleaned nothing else of value, that is one with practical application elsewhere in life.
My reaction when saying the thread title was to automatically say "Oh no"
 
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knightlautrec

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Seems like every cute uwu trans gamedev has made this game. This one is a real bad offender of "every game is about dickgirls" because they try to pretend they're not.


Christina Love isn't a tranny fairly sure. They're just an awful game dev that is in bed with journos to get her awful shitty games on indie lists.

They're also a hypocrite iirc. 'Gratuitous lesbo Porn is fine when we do it but sexy anime girls are icky male gaze'
 

Cryin RN

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Christina Love isn't a tranny fairly sure. They're just an awful game dev that is in bed with journos to get her awful shitty games on indie lists.

They're also a hypocrite iirc. 'Gratuitous lesbo Porn is fine when we do it but sexy anime girls are icky male gaze'
Oh honey lol. Love is 1000% a tranny. Check the Twitter bio calling himself a "lesbian". Check out the immense volume of anime garbage he retweets. Check out this textbook tranny selfie complete with terrible bleached hair! Check out his self-describing himself and various other twitter troons as "cute". Check out cutesy and pink and uwu everything is. Real women developers can't make their shit pink because nobody will take them seriously. They do make Twine games though so, maybe...
 

knightlautrec

Keh heh heh heh…
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Oh honey lol. Love is 1000% a tranny. Check the Twitter bio calling himself a "lesbian". Check out the immense volume of anime garbage he retweets. Check out this textbook tranny selfie complete with terrible bleached hair! Check out his self-describing himself and various other twitter troons as "cute". Check out cutesy and pink and uwu everything is. Real women developers can't make their shit pink because nobody will take them seriously. They do make Twine games though so, maybe...

So weird. I thought they were just a fugly girl but it makes sense. I just despise their shitty non games mostly. And that was catalyst enough to dislike them. But also a tranny? Bleh.
 

Haramburger

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.....How am I this capable of triggering these idiots. I made a review loaded with bad jokes and memes that Ana literally had to track down manually to check out and complain about.

That's next-level triggering.

....It's also hilarious, because it means she cares far more about me laughing at it than I care about her game in general.
based, those tweets should be printed and put your your fridge. Also, is it fair to argue that your review is longer with a higher word-count than the game in question's actual story?

I especially like the capitalist pivot from "This kiwi critiqued my game, word salad, blah blah, now that I've set the record straight, go try it and don't forget to tip me!" Devs like Toby Fox can do this, making something for free and rake in the cash, because they have a stellar reputation for producing marketable product and a fanbase. Nobody is going to tip you for bad erotica, you'd be better off putting it behind a paywall and getting the money first.
 
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