Kiwi Farms
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Sister services, email, and search will continue to be negatively effected by the attacks. I made a thread to talk about it, if you're into networking.
I fucking hate slacktivist games, Kiwis.
Some of them, like T-Runner, are bad enough to swing the bar around and wind up fun or entertaining in their ineptitude, but the overpowering majority of them are fucking insufferable. Probably the worst offender so far has been ReGiCiDe, which was ostensibly supposed to be an inclusive RPG and was unequivocally one of the worst games I ever played for this website, and whose plot can be described as "A Lesbian Has Been Raped." So they're either complete trash I want to hurl into the fires of Mount Doom, or embraceable cases of so-bad-it's-awesome. There's no middle ground.
What do we have here with Bomber Bother, though?
We get /pol/ the video game, though not intentionally.
Well, if the trailer openly using Nintendo hardware wasn't enough of an emphasis for you, this game is an attempt to take a shitty minigame from a vastly better game (DK64's Beaver Bother Game) and stretch it out to a full title that at least the devs knew better than to charge for, which, on balance, is more than I can say for many games I review.
Welcome to Bomber Bother, a "trans positive" game that exists to suck HBomberguy's dick. We start in a treehouse that serves as the game's menu.
But wait, what's this?
Oh hey, an N64. Nice. You guys do know Nintendo has sued and C&D'd for less than this, right? Just sayin'.
"And I looked, and beheld a pale horse, and the name that sat astride him was death."
Starting the game, we meet our mission briefing.... Thing.
So according to this.... Thing, totally-not-Graham Lineham sent his goons to steal the funds from a pro-trans charity outlet. You are thus charged with teaching these goons a lesson. With murder, because of course you are. The truth, of course, that Graham brought up that Mermaids advocates child transitioning and this led to a sponsor pull-out, not actual theft, is an argument that would likely be lost on the brain trust that created this, so without further ado, let's stop trying to dodge the pain and submerge ourselves headlong into the horror.
You play as what I believe to be a weasel version of Hbomberguy with better hair, who gets his orders from a sentient talking skull, and it dawns on me how much I miss
and friends.
I'm sad now.
Anyway, on to the gameplay.
.....Is that what we're calling it now? @BOLDYSPICY! assured me it was currently "worshipping the Cone gods."
Anyway, the gameplay loop for the game is simple enough. There are blue beavers waddling about and you need to chase them into the hole in the center of the map without falling in yourself, and score a certain score before time runs out. Easy enough in theory.
Unfortunately, when the game starts, I find that Hbomberweasel refuses to fucking move. As it turns out, the controller settings sit upon a throne of lies and will only allow you to play if you have a controller with a dedicated thumbstick. So I went and got my spare PS4 controller and now finally I can play this thing.
.....Only to fall into the hole immediately because whoever set the fucking sensitivity settings deserves to be shoved in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds.
The graphics, I admit, are rather charming, but there's some serious issues with the gameplay, and I don't know how it's possible to fuck up something this simple. Often I would scare a Beaver, only for it to refuse to move further no matter how many times it was scared, leading me to have to go after other targets and waste time, and time is at a premium in this game. Very often it throws you into levels where there's zero time for mistakes and no chance of recovery if things go south.
After like six attempts I beat the thing mostly because I managed to get a good flow going and the Beavers kept spawning in front of me.
At this point, having vanquished the Beaver menace, I am informed we are escalating the war and now need to get back the money they allegedly "stole" from us.
Once again, we're herding them into the pit only now each time we do, they drop cash and we have to steal it from them.
While the game fundamentally plays the same now, the addition of the money mechanics threatens to break the game, for a few reasons. The timer is still ridiculously tight, and you don't have much time to get the cash you need from vanquishing the Beavers. Unfortunately, whoever programmed this decided to make the Beavers into every bad stereotype /pol/ makes up about THE JEWS, and makes it so that they can - and will - grab the cash that falls on the ground. The problem is that every time you kill a Beaver, a new one spawns, so it's entirely possible for you to kill a beaver, the random scatter of cash makes all the coins appear on the side of the hole opposite you, and for the Beavers to grab all of the cash before you can do anything about it.
Forever.
Eventually I manage to beat the level and the game begins doing something odious, making parodic crowdfunding goals like "Delete JK Rowling From Existence With Infinity Banana" and making jokes about killing various content creators the maker of this game doesn't like using the money the player steals. Classy.
It gets unintentionally funnier, as well. Something.... Interesting begins happening at this point as you earn money. The clubhouse starts getting upgrades. First a phone, then dozens of boxes of tofu and decorations. It's almost like all this money we're allegedly fundraising by beating up a bunch of /pol/-inspired charictures of THE JEWS is going right into dangerhair panda's pockets. How strange. It's like they went out of their way to make this game into an embodiment of every /pol/tard's jokes about communism.
All right, so by now the hilarious part of this game should be dawning on you: That we're shaking down Jews for cash by killing them and their relatives and then funneling the money into social development programs, making this the most alt-right game I've played for this website. That's fucking new. The problem is that at this point the game starts getting really, really hard, and not in a legitimate manner. The same problems that have plagued the game all along begin to coalesce into a fucking tumor. The Beavers keep refusing to jump off at times, even when right against the hole, they freely grab all the cash that falls loose from their fallen brothers, and the cash requirements continue to spiral higher and higher.
It's succeeded at being an entertaining dumpster fire thus far.
As a Warhammer fan: No it won't be.
Also: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD
Finally after like half a fucking hour I beat it.
Convinced that they are doing no wrong, the dangerhair Panda assures me that soon the Beaver rebellion will be crushed once they implement real gender communism.
.....Except the same problems I already mentioned continue to snowball as the Jewish Beavers get more and more protective of their wealth, and eventually the game just becomes basically impossible if the spawns even remotely go against you. The framerate starts to hang at this poi9nt as all the coins and cash explode upwards and it just devolves into this endless morass of one-dimensional gameplay and fail.
After half an hour I'd finally had enough of this and decided to go play something less obnoxious to cleanse my palette.
I don't blame myself for this; it feels like nobody playtested it to this point, and if the credits are any indication, that's an entirely accurate assessment of things.
But speaking of the credits? Holy shit, you're in for a treat. They're a veritable who's-who of Lolcowdom!
See if you can see some familiar faces:
IN CONCLUSION: Good god, this game is a trash fire.
It's one thing to make a game-in-name-only piece of shit like Nora Reed or Laura Kate Dale, but somehow making something functional that's both a pandering piece of shit and loaded with issues that show it was a rushed endeavor is somehow worse. The good news is that this game more than makes up for it by being entertaining, and for all the wrong reasons. If for some reason you wanted a game in which you chase Jewish charictures off a cliff and then steal their money, I suppose you finally have a game that's uniquely yours, and it's wearing the trappings of transgender inclusion. There's something uncannily hilarious about that and the jokes kind of write themselves from that point.
And yes, I am missing the point for the sake of comedy, in case that wasn't apparent four paragraphs ago.
Some of them, like T-Runner, are bad enough to swing the bar around and wind up fun or entertaining in their ineptitude, but the overpowering majority of them are fucking insufferable. Probably the worst offender so far has been ReGiCiDe, which was ostensibly supposed to be an inclusive RPG and was unequivocally one of the worst games I ever played for this website, and whose plot can be described as "A Lesbian Has Been Raped." So they're either complete trash I want to hurl into the fires of Mount Doom, or embraceable cases of so-bad-it's-awesome. There's no middle ground.
What do we have here with Bomber Bother, though?
We get /pol/ the video game, though not intentionally.
Well, if the trailer openly using Nintendo hardware wasn't enough of an emphasis for you, this game is an attempt to take a shitty minigame from a vastly better game (DK64's Beaver Bother Game) and stretch it out to a full title that at least the devs knew better than to charge for, which, on balance, is more than I can say for many games I review.
Welcome to Bomber Bother, a "trans positive" game that exists to suck HBomberguy's dick. We start in a treehouse that serves as the game's menu.
But wait, what's this?
Oh hey, an N64. Nice. You guys do know Nintendo has sued and C&D'd for less than this, right? Just sayin'.
"And I looked, and beheld a pale horse, and the name that sat astride him was death."
Starting the game, we meet our mission briefing.... Thing.
So according to this.... Thing, totally-not-Graham Lineham sent his goons to steal the funds from a pro-trans charity outlet. You are thus charged with teaching these goons a lesson. With murder, because of course you are. The truth, of course, that Graham brought up that Mermaids advocates child transitioning and this led to a sponsor pull-out, not actual theft, is an argument that would likely be lost on the brain trust that created this, so without further ado, let's stop trying to dodge the pain and submerge ourselves headlong into the horror.
You play as what I believe to be a weasel version of Hbomberguy with better hair, who gets his orders from a sentient talking skull, and it dawns on me how much I miss
and friends.I'm sad now.
Anyway, on to the gameplay.
.....Is that what we're calling it now? @BOLDYSPICY! assured me it was currently "worshipping the Cone gods."
Anyway, the gameplay loop for the game is simple enough. There are blue beavers waddling about and you need to chase them into the hole in the center of the map without falling in yourself, and score a certain score before time runs out. Easy enough in theory.
Unfortunately, when the game starts, I find that Hbomberweasel refuses to fucking move. As it turns out, the controller settings sit upon a throne of lies and will only allow you to play if you have a controller with a dedicated thumbstick. So I went and got my spare PS4 controller and now finally I can play this thing.
.....Only to fall into the hole immediately because whoever set the fucking sensitivity settings deserves to be shoved in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds.
The graphics, I admit, are rather charming, but there's some serious issues with the gameplay, and I don't know how it's possible to fuck up something this simple. Often I would scare a Beaver, only for it to refuse to move further no matter how many times it was scared, leading me to have to go after other targets and waste time, and time is at a premium in this game. Very often it throws you into levels where there's zero time for mistakes and no chance of recovery if things go south.
After like six attempts I beat the thing mostly because I managed to get a good flow going and the Beavers kept spawning in front of me.
At this point, having vanquished the Beaver menace, I am informed we are escalating the war and now need to get back the money they allegedly "stole" from us.
Once again, we're herding them into the pit only now each time we do, they drop cash and we have to steal it from them.
While the game fundamentally plays the same now, the addition of the money mechanics threatens to break the game, for a few reasons. The timer is still ridiculously tight, and you don't have much time to get the cash you need from vanquishing the Beavers. Unfortunately, whoever programmed this decided to make the Beavers into every bad stereotype /pol/ makes up about THE JEWS, and makes it so that they can - and will - grab the cash that falls on the ground. The problem is that every time you kill a Beaver, a new one spawns, so it's entirely possible for you to kill a beaver, the random scatter of cash makes all the coins appear on the side of the hole opposite you, and for the Beavers to grab all of the cash before you can do anything about it.
Forever.
Eventually I manage to beat the level and the game begins doing something odious, making parodic crowdfunding goals like "Delete JK Rowling From Existence With Infinity Banana" and making jokes about killing various content creators the maker of this game doesn't like using the money the player steals. Classy.
It gets unintentionally funnier, as well. Something.... Interesting begins happening at this point as you earn money. The clubhouse starts getting upgrades. First a phone, then dozens of boxes of tofu and decorations. It's almost like all this money we're allegedly fundraising by beating up a bunch of /pol/-inspired charictures of THE JEWS is going right into dangerhair panda's pockets. How strange. It's like they went out of their way to make this game into an embodiment of every /pol/tard's jokes about communism.
All right, so by now the hilarious part of this game should be dawning on you: That we're shaking down Jews for cash by killing them and their relatives and then funneling the money into social development programs, making this the most alt-right game I've played for this website. That's fucking new. The problem is that at this point the game starts getting really, really hard, and not in a legitimate manner. The same problems that have plagued the game all along begin to coalesce into a fucking tumor. The Beavers keep refusing to jump off at times, even when right against the hole, they freely grab all the cash that falls loose from their fallen brothers, and the cash requirements continue to spiral higher and higher.
It's succeeded at being an entertaining dumpster fire thus far.
As a Warhammer fan: No it won't be.
Also: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD
Finally after like half a fucking hour I beat it.
Convinced that they are doing no wrong, the dangerhair Panda assures me that soon the Beaver rebellion will be crushed once they implement real gender communism.
.....Except the same problems I already mentioned continue to snowball as the Jewish Beavers get more and more protective of their wealth, and eventually the game just becomes basically impossible if the spawns even remotely go against you. The framerate starts to hang at this poi9nt as all the coins and cash explode upwards and it just devolves into this endless morass of one-dimensional gameplay and fail.
After half an hour I'd finally had enough of this and decided to go play something less obnoxious to cleanse my palette.
I don't blame myself for this; it feels like nobody playtested it to this point, and if the credits are any indication, that's an entirely accurate assessment of things.
But speaking of the credits? Holy shit, you're in for a treat. They're a veritable who's-who of Lolcowdom!
See if you can see some familiar faces:
IN CONCLUSION: Good god, this game is a trash fire.
It's one thing to make a game-in-name-only piece of shit like Nora Reed or Laura Kate Dale, but somehow making something functional that's both a pandering piece of shit and loaded with issues that show it was a rushed endeavor is somehow worse. The good news is that this game more than makes up for it by being entertaining, and for all the wrong reasons. If for some reason you wanted a game in which you chase Jewish charictures off a cliff and then steal their money, I suppose you finally have a game that's uniquely yours, and it's wearing the trappings of transgender inclusion. There's something uncannily hilarious about that and the jokes kind of write themselves from that point.
And yes, I am missing the point for the sake of comedy, in case that wasn't apparent four paragraphs ago.