Oh sweet GodJesus Bearchrist, children, this is a terrible RPGMaker Game. No, I correct that. This is one of the worst I've seen given public launch. See, terrible RPGMaker Games are a dime a million. A friend of mine and I used to have running contests on who could find the least-functional and worst ones and we'd MST3K them something fierce. This ended when we repeatedly found a barrage of games that were bad enough that we lost the ability to make them funny. The bit was retired and I thought that was the end of it.
Oh how naive I was. How foolish.
Welcome to Regicide, children, or as the title screen calls it, ReGiCiDe. I will choose to call it that for the duration of this review because if I have to suffer through this idiocy so does everyone else. Regicide is the perfect example of why I actively avoid shitty RPGMaker games. There's a lot of great RPGMaker games out there, some are even flat-out brilliant, but others, like this one, are bottom-feeders, predominantly made with stock assets and generally looking and playing like shit.
There's a special place in hell for the especially bad ones, though. The ones that don't work, are nigh-on unplayable, or feature completely broken game design. Any one of these is a no-seller, but this shitstorm manages to possess all three. What you are looking at is one of those games, a landmark in shittiness that will take some time to beat, and which will take me a great deal of powerful alcohol to get over.
The game opens with a text crawl, explaining the plot and how our protagonist, named Euphoria, cannot remember anything, not even who she is, though the narration just told us who the fuck she is, completely undermining the initial point.
This is followed by a mysterious voice telling our protagonist that she has to escape from here and telling her who she is, following by stating the mysterious voice loves her. We are exactly 24 seconds into this game and the story has contradicted its own intro twice. How the fuck?
This game may look like it was made using an early case of RPGMaker. It is not. It is made with one of the most cutting-edge versions of the program (VX, specifically), and despite this, runs at about five frames per second on my computer. Many of the assets seem to be scratchbuilt - others stock. What I will say is that the map runs like absolute shit and the game design is even worse as you will soon see.
The narrating mysterious voice tells you what items do, and tells you to collect them. Your goal in each area seems to be finding all the star discs and keys and working your way forward. The first one we gather sends us to an area with other stars filled with memories of other people from other games and works of fiction: Specifically Stephen King's "It," The Magic Labyrinth of I.M. Meen (you fucking wish I was joking), Luigi's Mansion, and Cooking Mama. I really would prefer to be playing any one of these. Especially I.M. Meen, that shit is actually a decent edutainment title and falls into the video game equivalent of The Room, where it's literally so-bad-it's-amazing. A rare thing.
Where was I? Shit, right, the pointless flashback stars. We then get an explanation that Star Discs save memories, exactly as the dialogue told us a fucking second ago. That was productive.
More proof of it being a fucking RPGMaker Title. You know what's a good one that sheds archetype? Mermaid Swamp. I could be playing that game right now. That is a fucking amazing little game done simply.
Fuck it, back to gameplay, or lack thereof.
Back in the hallway, you may have noticed that you got a gray key. These unlock the gray doors. Due to this game being designed by an absolute fucking cretin, it's entirely possible to wind up forevermore unable to progress because you foolishly opened a door and don't have any of the keys needed to progress. Top-notch design, Punch Drunk Games. Maybe for a chaser you could have fucking broken scripting or do something that makes the game borderline unplayable.
Taking me up on that challenge, the game proceeds to have a robot in the hallway (an enemy) who refuses to fucking get out of the way. The game tells me that you should run from fights that you can't win and that the enemy will chase you so you can exploit their movement. Noticing that despite this claim, the robot is moving randomly, and thinking that this is probably an encounter I'm supposed to fight, I go for it.
You get in a fight with a monster you are completely unable to hurt. Despite the Mysterious Voice's advice, there is no way to run away from it and you have no way of doing anything to even scratch it as it slowly whittles away your hit points.
Fucking amazing.
So I start again, boot the game up, play through the intro, go through the flashback, get the basic goodies in the starting rooms, and go back to try to move forward; the robot is literally the only way forward and he will not move and can't be fucking harmed.
The game is essentially impossible at this point, and I would consign it to the same fate as That Really Hot Chick's completely unplayable level design, but I'm nothing if not persistent. Fortunately due to the game's programmer being a fucking idiot, the enemies will not fight you unless you talk to them or touch them (bump into them with the direction arrows; simply standing next to you is not sufficient).
Ever ready for more is the Kiwi Farms' resident shitty game reviewer, and by repeatedly reloading my game saves, this shit is able to progress. It takes no less than four attempts to get the mothefucker out of the hallway, but eventually he leaves and I'm finally able to move on.
I fight some of the bats in the area; these fuckers hit hard but you can at least harm them in turn. Nonetheless each one is basically a guaranteed healing potion used and running into a robot is an automatic game over because you can't run from combat and can't hurt them.
I encounter more star discs. The first one establishes that there was some kind of issue with Euphoria losing her memory due to a star disc malfunction, and another of Euphoria learning to read.
Finally I get another star disc and I'm led into a land of confusion and horror, as this one features Euphoria trying to take a nap only to have a frantically masturbating man jerking off to her.
You fucking wish I was kidding. Euphoria yells at him, he runs off, and the scene end.
As I try to leave the fucking area I found what I'm now calling the Fap Disc and hitting a switch, I wound up in this fucking situation and was completely unable to progress again. Let this set the mood for what is to come.
Finally after six fucking reloads, I manage to escape from that shit.
I proceed onwards, only to fight some more bats and run low on medicine vials. Finally I see a small arching hallway that has some medicine at the end. I go and grab it, return, and....
ಠ_ಠ
I̷̦̬͎̱͇̯͋ͩ̒̈́ ̛͕͕̼̝̃ WI͚ͮ̎ͦͨ̓̓L̑̕L͒̽͛ͧ͏̱͔̳̭̩ ̙̞͔̺͋̋ͪ̇͐M͚̦͍̜̳ͣU͔̥̹̐̊̐̀R̄̅̍ͫ̄̽̓D̤̓͊̚E͆́ͭ̈́̔̎͐Rͮ̓̍̉͊ ̹̫̲̗̱̙̿͞Yͦ͢O͓͈̦̗̭̞̯ͣ̈́͊U̷ͯ̏̈̈̀R͕̒ ̢̯̯̦͇͓͚ͦE̶͎̤͍͛̾ͥ̈́̀N͇͙̣̩̱̙͓͋̇͢T̵͕̈́̐ͪI̜͓͖̮͙̱̠̍͛̂̋̾R̖͇̼͙̦̯͍̄͐Ë͉̹́̐ͯͨͬ̀ͨ ̝̠̗̗̜͉ͬͤ̊̆͐̒ͮF̤͓̼̻͚̿ͬ͆̏͟Ã̯͂̓ͣ̚M̦̍I̝̲̦̦̱͙̜ͪ͛ͨ̈́͋̚̚L͕͗ͧ̇̇̔͐Y̤̫̼̗̿́ͮͩ̇͠ͅ
Ahem. Two reloads later, and I've escaped this idiocy, but I'm seriously getting my buzz harshed by all these fucking robots. This has got to be some of the worst game design I've seen in years. Another flashback, this time with Euphoria solving a puzzle for her mom, followed by another one with her shooting an arrow by running it at the target and poking it because again, the programmer lacks any ability to program. Did you notice that every single area in the game has no furniture or demarcation of location of any kind? Hot shit there.
Finally, I find this fucking thing, which heals fully and can be used infinitely. I proceed to use this and kill every single bat I can find. Soonafter, I hit level 3, and can now defeat the Robots. And my friends, there is a fucking reckoning. I go through the level and conduct genocide on the fucking things (they're virtually worthless XP/Treasure wise, I'll add), and finally sate my bloodlust after about 20 minutes of this faggotry.
This thing is a literal maze. It's fucking boring and stupid and the gameplay is fucking worthless. No combat options, no tactics other than "punch the thing until it falls down," and no fucking variety whatsoever. You go around, hit buttons, collect random shit, punch people, die if you punch ones before you can punch them hard enough, use healing point, rinse, repeat.
Finally we run into this fucking thing, a boss I would venture. I am now level 4 and I am prepared to show my woman-fists to this asshole. I murdered every single bat and robot in this cesspool, so I'm at best reasonably sure that I am overpowered for the upcoming fight.
Sweet Jesus, am I wrong. This dude hits like a truck and though he's none too durable it's a damned good thing I killed every mothefucker on the way here because I sincerely doubt she'd be strong enough otherwise. That's some fucking great game design there. Holy shit.
Finally I kill his ass, using most of my medicine stockpile, and head through the door into a forest. Thinking there may be hostiles ahead, I try to immediately go back so I can use the healing point.
...The game unceremoniously dumps me in a wall and I am trapped in hell, unable to ever escape.
I reload my save. I pray I'm nearing the end of this shitheap because I may have to find out more about Punch Drunk games and take someone hostage otherwise.
Oh how naive I was. How foolish.
Welcome to Regicide, children, or as the title screen calls it, ReGiCiDe. I will choose to call it that for the duration of this review because if I have to suffer through this idiocy so does everyone else. Regicide is the perfect example of why I actively avoid shitty RPGMaker games. There's a lot of great RPGMaker games out there, some are even flat-out brilliant, but others, like this one, are bottom-feeders, predominantly made with stock assets and generally looking and playing like shit.
There's a special place in hell for the especially bad ones, though. The ones that don't work, are nigh-on unplayable, or feature completely broken game design. Any one of these is a no-seller, but this shitstorm manages to possess all three. What you are looking at is one of those games, a landmark in shittiness that will take some time to beat, and which will take me a great deal of powerful alcohol to get over.
The game opens with a text crawl, explaining the plot and how our protagonist, named Euphoria, cannot remember anything, not even who she is, though the narration just told us who the fuck she is, completely undermining the initial point.
This is followed by a mysterious voice telling our protagonist that she has to escape from here and telling her who she is, following by stating the mysterious voice loves her. We are exactly 24 seconds into this game and the story has contradicted its own intro twice. How the fuck?
This game may look like it was made using an early case of RPGMaker. It is not. It is made with one of the most cutting-edge versions of the program (VX, specifically), and despite this, runs at about five frames per second on my computer. Many of the assets seem to be scratchbuilt - others stock. What I will say is that the map runs like absolute shit and the game design is even worse as you will soon see.
The narrating mysterious voice tells you what items do, and tells you to collect them. Your goal in each area seems to be finding all the star discs and keys and working your way forward. The first one we gather sends us to an area with other stars filled with memories of other people from other games and works of fiction: Specifically Stephen King's "It," The Magic Labyrinth of I.M. Meen (you fucking wish I was joking), Luigi's Mansion, and Cooking Mama. I really would prefer to be playing any one of these. Especially I.M. Meen, that shit is actually a decent edutainment title and falls into the video game equivalent of The Room, where it's literally so-bad-it's-amazing. A rare thing.
Where was I? Shit, right, the pointless flashback stars. We then get an explanation that Star Discs save memories, exactly as the dialogue told us a fucking second ago. That was productive.
More proof of it being a fucking RPGMaker Title. You know what's a good one that sheds archetype? Mermaid Swamp. I could be playing that game right now. That is a fucking amazing little game done simply.
Fuck it, back to gameplay, or lack thereof.
Back in the hallway, you may have noticed that you got a gray key. These unlock the gray doors. Due to this game being designed by an absolute fucking cretin, it's entirely possible to wind up forevermore unable to progress because you foolishly opened a door and don't have any of the keys needed to progress. Top-notch design, Punch Drunk Games. Maybe for a chaser you could have fucking broken scripting or do something that makes the game borderline unplayable.
Taking me up on that challenge, the game proceeds to have a robot in the hallway (an enemy) who refuses to fucking get out of the way. The game tells me that you should run from fights that you can't win and that the enemy will chase you so you can exploit their movement. Noticing that despite this claim, the robot is moving randomly, and thinking that this is probably an encounter I'm supposed to fight, I go for it.
You get in a fight with a monster you are completely unable to hurt. Despite the Mysterious Voice's advice, there is no way to run away from it and you have no way of doing anything to even scratch it as it slowly whittles away your hit points.
Fucking amazing.
So I start again, boot the game up, play through the intro, go through the flashback, get the basic goodies in the starting rooms, and go back to try to move forward; the robot is literally the only way forward and he will not move and can't be fucking harmed.
The game is essentially impossible at this point, and I would consign it to the same fate as That Really Hot Chick's completely unplayable level design, but I'm nothing if not persistent. Fortunately due to the game's programmer being a fucking idiot, the enemies will not fight you unless you talk to them or touch them (bump into them with the direction arrows; simply standing next to you is not sufficient).
Ever ready for more is the Kiwi Farms' resident shitty game reviewer, and by repeatedly reloading my game saves, this shit is able to progress. It takes no less than four attempts to get the mothefucker out of the hallway, but eventually he leaves and I'm finally able to move on.
I fight some of the bats in the area; these fuckers hit hard but you can at least harm them in turn. Nonetheless each one is basically a guaranteed healing potion used and running into a robot is an automatic game over because you can't run from combat and can't hurt them.
I encounter more star discs. The first one establishes that there was some kind of issue with Euphoria losing her memory due to a star disc malfunction, and another of Euphoria learning to read.
Finally I get another star disc and I'm led into a land of confusion and horror, as this one features Euphoria trying to take a nap only to have a frantically masturbating man jerking off to her.
You fucking wish I was kidding. Euphoria yells at him, he runs off, and the scene end.
As I try to leave the fucking area I found what I'm now calling the Fap Disc and hitting a switch, I wound up in this fucking situation and was completely unable to progress again. Let this set the mood for what is to come.
Finally after six fucking reloads, I manage to escape from that shit.
I proceed onwards, only to fight some more bats and run low on medicine vials. Finally I see a small arching hallway that has some medicine at the end. I go and grab it, return, and....
ಠ_ಠ
I̷̦̬͎̱͇̯͋ͩ̒̈́ ̛͕͕̼̝̃ WI͚ͮ̎ͦͨ̓̓L̑̕L͒̽͛ͧ͏̱͔̳̭̩ ̙̞͔̺͋̋ͪ̇͐M͚̦͍̜̳ͣU͔̥̹̐̊̐̀R̄̅̍ͫ̄̽̓D̤̓͊̚E͆́ͭ̈́̔̎͐Rͮ̓̍̉͊ ̹̫̲̗̱̙̿͞Yͦ͢O͓͈̦̗̭̞̯ͣ̈́͊U̷ͯ̏̈̈̀R͕̒ ̢̯̯̦͇͓͚ͦE̶͎̤͍͛̾ͥ̈́̀N͇͙̣̩̱̙͓͋̇͢T̵͕̈́̐ͪI̜͓͖̮͙̱̠̍͛̂̋̾R̖͇̼͙̦̯͍̄͐Ë͉̹́̐ͯͨͬ̀ͨ ̝̠̗̗̜͉ͬͤ̊̆͐̒ͮF̤͓̼̻͚̿ͬ͆̏͟Ã̯͂̓ͣ̚M̦̍I̝̲̦̦̱͙̜ͪ͛ͨ̈́͋̚̚L͕͗ͧ̇̇̔͐Y̤̫̼̗̿́ͮͩ̇͠ͅ
Ahem. Two reloads later, and I've escaped this idiocy, but I'm seriously getting my buzz harshed by all these fucking robots. This has got to be some of the worst game design I've seen in years. Another flashback, this time with Euphoria solving a puzzle for her mom, followed by another one with her shooting an arrow by running it at the target and poking it because again, the programmer lacks any ability to program. Did you notice that every single area in the game has no furniture or demarcation of location of any kind? Hot shit there.
Finally, I find this fucking thing, which heals fully and can be used infinitely. I proceed to use this and kill every single bat I can find. Soonafter, I hit level 3, and can now defeat the Robots. And my friends, there is a fucking reckoning. I go through the level and conduct genocide on the fucking things (they're virtually worthless XP/Treasure wise, I'll add), and finally sate my bloodlust after about 20 minutes of this faggotry.
This thing is a literal maze. It's fucking boring and stupid and the gameplay is fucking worthless. No combat options, no tactics other than "punch the thing until it falls down," and no fucking variety whatsoever. You go around, hit buttons, collect random shit, punch people, die if you punch ones before you can punch them hard enough, use healing point, rinse, repeat.
Finally we run into this fucking thing, a boss I would venture. I am now level 4 and I am prepared to show my woman-fists to this asshole. I murdered every single bat and robot in this cesspool, so I'm at best reasonably sure that I am overpowered for the upcoming fight.
Sweet Jesus, am I wrong. This dude hits like a truck and though he's none too durable it's a damned good thing I killed every mothefucker on the way here because I sincerely doubt she'd be strong enough otherwise. That's some fucking great game design there. Holy shit.
Finally I kill his ass, using most of my medicine stockpile, and head through the door into a forest. Thinking there may be hostiles ahead, I try to immediately go back so I can use the healing point.
...The game unceremoniously dumps me in a wall and I am trapped in hell, unable to ever escape.
I reload my save. I pray I'm nearing the end of this shitheap because I may have to find out more about Punch Drunk games and take someone hostage otherwise.
