Jaimas Reviews: That Really Hot Chick by Horrendous Games

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Jaimas

HELLO, MON'KEIGH
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Jun 27, 2014
This one's for our ongoing lolcowpocalypse thread-in-progress. Someone found that Horrendous Games (Chloe Sagal's game company) had a game on XBLIG, which is notorious for being about as bad as Steam Greenlight, if not worse.

x1jdSnJ.jpg

That better not be who I think it is.

First, because @Smutley asked: The Credits:

Credits said:
PROGRAMMING:
Simon B. AKA "Firefly"

IDOL DESIGN:
Simon B. AKA "Firefly"

MUSIC:
Jon Powell

Sound:
John Paul Neumann

Artwork/Graphics:
Stephen "Strife" DiDuro
Jon Paul Neumann

MENUS:
John Paul Neumann

BOX ART:
John Paul Neumann

MODEL DESIGN:
Danielle Minzenburger

PHOTOGRAPHY:
John Paul Neumann

DESIGN:
John Paul Neumann

LEVEL DESIGN:
John Paul Newmann

The game itself opens with an extremely obnoxious hard rock-sounding theme that is nowhere near as solid or competent as Alpha Squad's OST (another XBLIG title). With a title sequence that looks like it came from JustinRPG, it features an unidentified woman posing near our protagonist, who is a literal Chick.

ubJqBIp.jpg

Abandon all hope, ye who play this.

That Hot Chick said:
Out story begins in the countryside, where the Chick and her friend are minding their own business, when the Chick's evil step-sister invites them for dinner, even though the main course hasn't been finished. It's a french dish, and its missing ingredient is the tender meat of the Chick!

The art direction for this game is cartoonish. This is fine. It is also hideously lackluster, which is not fine. I'm not trying to impugn the dignity of games programmed in flash, or who do so with limited budgets and ability, but this is fucking lazy.

This game, despite HD sprites, is essentially an 8-bit game with a shiny paint-job. That fancy background you see? It's has only the barest bit of multi-scrolling. The entire game has no real visual effects. The Chick has 2 frames of jumping animation, 4 frames of "KO'd" animation, a few errant one-frame impact animations if the Chick fucks up, and 4 frames of "running" animation.

I have programmed games with better animation than this.

This is true for the antagonist (shown chasing the Chick with a Pitchfork). 3 frames of animation when running, 2 when jumping, 1 frame of idle animation. She also has Jiggle Physics, which is hard not to notice considering how boring the other visuals are. The sun never moves from its position at all. There are no visual effects whatsoever: No impacts when striking objects, no splashes when hitting water, and water with three frames of animation and flat color washing. The other Antagonist in the game has even fewer animation frames. I'm not joking or exaggerating.

Nlmiy0p.jpg

This screenshot makes the game look about 60% better than it actually is.

If I seem like I'm harping on the graphics pretty hard here, it's because they're pretty much all the game has. Why? Very simple:

This game is a one-button action game:

Tutorial said:
MAIN OBJECTIVE: To get to the other side, LOL.

NO TOUCHY EXAMPLES:
Rake (Pointy)
Hay Bale (In the way)
Potted Plant (Annoying)

HOW DO I DODGE THAT?
Dodge obstacles, walls, and pits by tapping or holding (A). If you hit an obstacle or wall, you'll be captured by the bad guy! Noo! Use your brain to determine what is dangerous and what is not. If it hurts you, you obviously shouldn't touch it again, genious. If you can manage to evade your assailant long enough, you'll be rescued by your freind

(JAIMAS NOTES: Image of "Freind" is pointed to by an arrow; said character is a clear self-insert of Chloe herself. All above spelling errors are included from the actual game).

HELPFUL HINT:
Use the music as a reference point, so you'll know when to dodge! MUSIC!

That's right: This game is essentially a rip-off of other "press button to jump" games, common to IOS and Android. Specifically, what we have here is what is - shamelessly - Super Chick Sisters meets Canabalt. Except it doesn't have the ironic shittiness of the former or cool music, graphic design, or fast pace of the latter. The Chick automatically runs forward, and hitting A makes him jump. Press it hard, press it light, doesn't matter, same jump either way. You fail if you hit any object, be it a rock in the ground, a pool of water, or a rake left out.

e4cfRpz.jpg

In this level you get chased by.... Another evil sister. This one's an evil Egyptian cultist but otherwise behaves exactly the fucking same.

There are infinite lives (deaths send you back to start), and a pursuer in the form of the aforementioned Evil Sister or nasty predator who is there to give tension to a game that otherwise has none. This individual cannot capture you because your speed is locked and so is that of your pursuer. The game has reasonable, hard-rock-style music, but with an unusual twist: The tutorial wants you to consider it a rhythm game of sorts, with the music cues indicating when you should jump.

This is a lie.

The music does match up sometimes, but most of the time it doesn't and the rest is filled with meaningless background strumming. The obstacles have no pattern or reason behind whether they're dangerous or not. You can land on a rock or hay bale or barrel, but you can't even touch a shrub that looks to be in the background or a tiny pile of hay. The terrain mapping is especially, hilariously bad, with the Chick having almost a quarter-inch of gap between his character model and rocks when running on top of them.

The game has no real sound other than the music. At best you have the Chick muttering "BAH!" or groaning if he slams into a hazard, splashes if he hits water/lava, and that's about it.

pc3gj6v.jpg

A level that cannot be played because of the design of the level before it. Huzzah.

One might reasonably assume that the distance gauge at the top indicates where a checkpoint might be. You would be wrong. There is no checkpoints, and the levels are obscenely, embarassingly long. Level one takes almost two minutes to reach the half-way mark. One slip-up, one mistimed jump, one fuck-up with the game's poor collision detection, and it's back to start.

There are three levels unlocked at the start - the countryside, the volcano, and the desert, each with its own unique pursuer who acts exactly the same. The last two levels, a jungle and a mystery level, are locked from the start, but the jungle has a dinosaur chasing you. Beating this game would thus seem to require one part level memorization, one part patience (these levels are long), and one part mastering the jumps. In practice, none of this matters due to bad collision detection and poor map design that makes me question if anyone actually QA tested this.

This makes a number of levels - including level 3 - outright impossible because the game requires you to make a jump that is not physically possible for the game's engine to handle. You must make a jump over one cactus, then across a pit. Due to a pot being at the bottom of the next jump, you will crash if you pull short, and if you make a pixel-perfect jump and land atop the pot, you are in a position where the jump cannot be made to the next step. As such, there is literally no way to beat this level.

With all this stacked end-on-end, this has the loathsome distinction of being the single worst game I have ever played on XBox 36o. Ugly, slip-shod, and essentially unplayable,this game's numerous problems are very likely why this game failed its initial bids by Chloe Sagal to get it on XBLIG. Even by XBLIG standards, this game is bad. It's an embarassment to the console hardware, graphically uninspired, completely unoriginal, and boring.

Horrendous Games
made one that is indeed.
 

Andy27

Lolcow Stampede
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Apr 15, 2015
There are infinite lives (deaths send you back to start), and a pursuer in the form of the aforementioned Evil Sister or nasty predator who is there to give tension to a game that otherwise has none. This individual cannot capture you because your speed is locked and so is that of your pursuer.

Out of all the flaws of this... "game", this is the one that gets me the most. The main villain and antagonist of the game is just decorative with no real purpose.

Shame Chloe had a fight with Brianna Wu. If Chole was on the right side, maybe Wu would post a tweet about how this is a great game for new-age gamers and that any criticism come from elitist hardcore neckbeard gamerdudebros.
 

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