Artcow Jay Geis / The Golden Knight / The Platinum Paladin / Dick Pierce - The Glorious Return of a Legendary Artcow and Spergilicious Psychopath

Optimus Prime

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So the script for Powerpuff leaked in full, it's a absolute disaster that, among other things, completely shits on the original cartoon.

I'm dying to know if this has impacted the tin plated troglodyte, because like the other two, the script does not do any favors to Blossom's character.
 

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So the script for Powerpuff leaked in full, it's a absolute disaster that, among other things, completely shits on the original cartoon.

I'm dying to know if this has impacted the tin plated troglodyte, because like the other two, the script does not do any favors to Blossom's character.
I just looked, and he's too busy tweeting about Elite Dangerous to notice. This (archive) was the only thing he tweeted regarding the Powerpuff Girls in recent days:
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Optimus Prime

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I just looked, and he's too busy tweeting about Elite Dangerous to notice. This (archive) was the only thing he tweeted regarding the Powerpuff Girls in recent days:
View attachment 2202477

What a dofus.

"Homo Sapien" means "Wise man"

"Dominatus" refers to a ruler of some kind.

So, "Homo Dominatus" means Wise Ruler, not whatever he seems to think it means.
 

Toasty

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What a dofus.

"Homo Sapien" means "Wise man"

"Dominatus" refers to a ruler of some kind.

So, "Homo Dominatus" means Wise Ruler, not whatever he seems to think it means.
You may want to brush up on your Latin, fren.
 

Optimus Prime

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You may want to brush up on your Latin, fren.

Look, five minutes on google may not have generated the best results. The more important thing is that whatever this idiot thought 'Homo Dominatius" means can't possibly be what it ACTUALLY means.
 

Toasty

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Look, five minutes on google may not have generated the best results. The more important thing is that whatever this idiot thought 'Homo Dominatius" means can't possibly be what it ACTUALLY means.
You may want to brush up on your Google, fren.
 

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What a dofus.

"Homo Sapien" means "Wise man"

"Dominatus" refers to a ruler of some kind.

So, "Homo Dominatus" means Wise Ruler, not whatever he seems to think it means.
Homo means man.
Sapiens means wise.
Homo sapiens=wise man.

But you're right. It doesn't mean what Jay thinks. Dominatus means "to exercise rulership." Jay is looking for "dominus," or ruler. What he meant to say was "homo dominus," or "ruler of men."
 

MerriedxReldnahc

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NEW COMICS MATHAFUCKAAAAAAAS
Epic Force and the Chicken of Death.pngGates of the Astroverse.png
Got some notifications from him on DeviantArt and he's shared three comics, the first has already been posted by @The Silver Knight upthread. To the best of my knowledge these two are totally unreleased. I'd tell you the plot but they're each around 100+ pages and by about 20 pages in my vision starts to go blurry, now half my face is drooping and for some reason everything smells like toast.
Issue 3 is most remarkable in that I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've seen him attempt to draw a dick and balls
loodz.png


 

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So, I decided to look at the Chicken of Death one. A few things stood out to me.

First, this is Chris-Chan levels of art and autism, complete with hand-drawn art. I'll go through it when I have time and pick out some of my favorite bits, but if you can endure the boring parts, there are some unintentionally funny bits. Blatantly including South Park characters isn't among them.

Second, Jay has discovered Dungeons & Dragons. He uses spells from the game as a plot device, and the comic ends with everyone playing D&D in heaven (I think. His storytelling skills are still shit.)

Finally, I'll let this speak for itself:
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This is hilariously bad, and you know what? I'm fine with it. The world's gone crazy, so it's nice to have some classic autism to take the edge off.
 

Jaimas

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NEW COMICS MATHAFUCKAAAAAAAS
View attachment 2801754View attachment 2801756
Got some notifications from him on DeviantArt and he's shared three comics, the first has already been posted by @The Silver Knight upthread. To the best of my knowledge these two are totally unreleased. I'd tell you the plot but they're each around 100+ pages and by about 20 pages in my vision starts to go blurry, now half my face is drooping and for some reason everything smells like toast.
Issue 3 is most remarkable in that I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've seen him attempt to draw a dick and balls



It's a Christmas miracle.
 

Optimus Prime

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NEW COMICS MATHAFUCKAAAAAAAS
View attachment 2801754View attachment 2801756
Got some notifications from him on DeviantArt and he's shared three comics, the first has already been posted by @The Silver Knight upthread. To the best of my knowledge these two are totally unreleased. I'd tell you the plot but they're each around 100+ pages and by about 20 pages in my vision starts to go blurry, now half my face is drooping and for some reason everything smells like toast.
Issue 3 is most remarkable in that I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've seen him attempt to draw a dick and balls


Just saw this and...well, the more things change, the more they stay exactly the same. His blogpost on the release of these comics is itself a fucking hoot because it shows Jay hasn't learned a goddamn thing.

That said...it's fucking loooooong. I'll pick out the highlights and I got time since there's a lull in work at the moment.

And holy shit this starts out with a banger of how he not only calls himself out on his fucked up shit, but openly excuses it.
The tone of the writing here is very much what I wanted to do with "Young Guardian" back when I was a kid (we're talking about the year 2000), where it'd be this "ultimate crossover" mish-mash of awesome franchises to create "the ultimate epic of cosmic proportions". So for the 100 or so people in the whole world that actually bought the Myth of the Legendary Warrior comics, if you can ignore some of the slightly more "adult" scenes in these books, this is closer to the ORIGINAL spirit of Young Guardian than the ACTUAL Young Guardian Himself!
So he wanted his own 'Ultimate Battle of Ultimate Destiny' like, well, every other fucking autist out there who thinks making Smash Bros crossovers is a good idea without any forethought or planning.

He goes on to sperg about the individual characters which sounds like RPG autist bullshit that is all gobbetygook to me so I'm going to excise that crap since this is hardly the bulk of this horror show. But then he comes up with this excuse of the art:
Now, for the production! "What's with the sloppy hand drawing you've done, Jay?" That's because I wanted to make production FAST! Writing is my strong side, and the impulse to create is very rare and EXTREMELY fleeting! So I wanted a way to MAXIMIZE the utilization of that window! And I know the visual medium is A LOT more palpable and palatable than plain text (self-awareness ensues towards "Creator's Commentary"). On top of that, I was inspired by some particularly simplistic art styles (like the pilot to South Park for example), and specifically if you were to look at that, you get the sense that ANYONE could create if they just spend the time. First thought is "Hey, *I* can do that," then second thought is, "Let me try".


In other words, all you need to make something is pen, paper, time, and imagination
Noticeable omission of anything to do with PPG right here (it makes an appearance later, don't worry). But essentially he's writing off his poor-as-fuck art style, which hasn't changed over the course of DECADES at this point, as both a byproduct of wanting to get everything done NOW before the 'creative spark' leaves him, as well as claiming similarity to South Park even though with South Park, the simplistic style as I understand it is both due to needing to keep production time short so they can adjust episodes to correspond with real world events, as well as being more complex than it looks since episodes still demand proper cinematography techniques.

(Now if anybody would CARE, that's a whole different problem! It's been almost a decade or so since I first joined here, back in my college days, and well over 10 years since Hero Team was conceived! Yet I have the same problem now as I did then! How can I expect anyone to get hooked on my creative passions if not even my OWN MOTHER can get around to them?!)
...Yeah this one kind of speaks for itself.

As for the LORE, it's very heavily drawn upon my Powerpuff influences (emphasizing what I mean when I say "ORIGINAL spirit of Young Guardian"), and more specifically my plans for an "Expanded Universe". In an alternate, not-so-dark timeline, this would be canon. Instead, we've got a terrifying effort at "live action", and *I* am stuck as nothing more than "fan fiction". BAH, what a way to beat the optimism out of me!
Apparently the allure of Chloe Benet as his beloved Blossom wasn't enough to sell him on the idea of a live action PPG. He's lucky, then, that Powerpuff is all but dead at this point.

And yes, there IS a "Pony Flood". Back when I was in college, the "My Little Pony" show took off in a big, BIG way! How big? It was turning all the other franchises into PONIES! This gave me a "consume ALL" vibe, much like the Flood of Halo! SO, in a satire and parody of that trend, BAM - the Pony Flood was conceived! It is, in my head, one of the reasons why Powerkind has gone extinct. Any one of the crises from that period, they could've lived through...worn and humbled, but still overcome it in the end. The kicker is how many issues all dogpiled at the same time!
In sheer irony, Pony already beat this asshat to the punch before he was even born. In the original G1, there is this thing called 'The Smooze' which is exactly what he describes here - a semi-sentient flood of something that just consumes everything in its path.

Now, HOW did I handle the "Writing", you may ask? Much like how I run my own tabletop RPGs, and EXACTLY what the Golden Knight explains when he's at the cloud game table: "I'm just making this up as I go along." Seriously. First you start with a thing that happens, then what makes sense in context to build off of that! Causation stuff: Because A is true, then that makes B happen, and because of B, from that comes C, and so on. The rule to that kind of improv is simple:

"The first thing that makes sense in context, GO WITH IT!"
Proving he has no sense of narrative direction, specifically an end point, so he has no guiding objective to actually lead the story towards.

That's ANOTHER big spoiler, though it comes from the first book! The "Golden-Knight" surname is not a title or even a family. It's a BLOODLINE! And it specifically refers to anyone directly descended BY BLOOD from that Gen-Zero Powerpuff male who calls himself "The Golden Knight" (the very NAMESAKE of my online persona). In that fantasy world, this Golden Knight has "had many playmates but no partners". Makes sense he has a whole bunch of children in his wake (many of them literal bastards). How many exactly? Canonically there is no solid number because that deliberately leaves room for hypothetical "fan art" and "fan fiction" to fill in this void.
;)
He goes into a LOT about "families" and "bloodlines", showing he really cared more about having a big world full of characters than really doing proper worldbuilding where things develop and are revealed in a more natural manner as to feel like an actual world instead of some haphazard chaotic representation of shit he likes.

But, what IS confirmed is that he's got quite a few: Barbie and Billy from Myth of the Golden Knight that he created, with who knows how many accidents, and the oldest instance of his bloodline was referenced as "Princess Golden-Knight", though let's just say that was NOT a loving relationship (the ship got sunk by the Short Bus Fleet). Not covered in Epic Force lore, but to finish that digression, "Princess Golden-Knight" was raised by Lumpkins since the Queen had only rotten emotions and The Golden Knight at the time was not ready to settle down as a father himself.
I can only surmise that this is his attempt at a low-key insult aimed at the Kiwi Farms with the use "short bus" since those are usually used for the handicapped, physically but as we on the farms know, more often than not the mental cases. Especially given how easily we destroyed possibly the only relationship he's ever had with another girl by proving what a piece of shit he is in plain view.

Back with how to draw these characters, I have one single guideline: "Just picture ALL the characters as a bunch of sentient plush dolls that have come to life...even the grown-ups."
Or, in particular, one very specific Blossom plush doll and make variations off that.

For drawing the background, you want JUST A LITTLE detail! Enough to set the scene, but don't overdo it or else all that pen ink will look messy! Plus, it can smear. Maybe a couple paintings on the wall, or a computer in the background (or foreground)...just remember, you are specifically trying to not get hyper-realistic as production needs to be snappy. This isn't "anime", this is cartooning.
Justifying low-to-no effort in doing background work even though the setting is just as important as the ongoing action as it provides context.

And of course, I think it's fitting to end with saying that the big joke, the most important point to the meta humor, is that the entire series of epics is played out as just one giant game of Dungeons and Dragons! God in this universe is just the Game Master / Dungeon Master of the tabletop RPG that IS the lives of the Epic Force! That's even what the Golden Knight explained in the first book. That's also how I explain what these RPGs are like in general: "The Players are the Stars and the GM is God." Naturally, I took that more literally here.
Because nothing says original like, essentially, this overplayed trope of "it's all fake"

If this franchise shows anything, it's that Jay Geis definitely HAS a "Sense of Humor!" It might be flagged as "Not Important", but there is, nevertheless, *A* "Sense of Humor!"
Somebody clearly told him he has no sense of humor and he took it very personally.

Naturally, in conclusion, you have full permission to share my creative work as much as you please! Splay it on social media, make user avatars from the expressions, you get the idea. There's no money here...just remember to appreciate who it came from: ME! (Credit if applicable is appreciated, and I'd always love to know where these characters end up, even if it's on a scummy forum spawned specifically to make fun of me!)

Hi, Jay. Glad to see you haven't forgotten about us. We usually forget about you.

And yeah, when (or if) I die, I hope franchises like the Epic Force go STRAIGHT to the Public Domain! Fight the system and defy all these corporate trends, my creativity is my "Gift to Humanity!"

(That also means, on the other hand, try to keep things in-character if you can help it, even when I'm gone forever. I know how "fandoms" out there just *LOVE* to butcher the "in-character" and "artist intent" of the franchises they shower with affection. Much like tattoos as a concept, this ends up ironically DAMAGING the very stuff they love!)
It would be hilarious if somebody somehow polished this turd of a story, changed all the characters to be, y'know, GOOD, and made something decent out of it. Kind of like what The Real Sonichu comic pages did with Sonichu.

See you when I feel like it. Until then...


Semper Bellum!
Because of course.
 

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Alright, lads, I went through Epic Force and the Chicken of Death, and I have returned with my sanity (mostly) intact! Here is the summary, complete with pictures of parts that I found bizarre, funny, or downright autistic. Buckle up, buckeroo, this is autism on par with Chris-Chan himself:

The whole intro (hell, the whole comic) acts as a literal storyboard of how the Epic Force TV show should open. I shit you not.
efatcod_1 - Copy.png

The official theme of the Epic Force

Immediately after this banger of an intro, we're introduced to our cast of characters:
  • Chad Golden-Knight (Jay's totally not-a-self-insert-slash-Gary-Stu)
  • Jamie Forerunner (the useless cum dumpster)
  • Holly Cartman (South Park ripoff and another cum dumpster)
  • And introducing Skippy (the comic relief new kid)
Our actual story begins one year after the Myth of the Epic Force ended. Chad now works as the champion for some king (who laughs like Santa) and has such a reputation that nobody wants to challenge him. Jamie is now working as a fortune teller for busty women (I think? The art makes it hard to tell), and is charging gold coins instead of actual currency. Skippy, meanwhile, is living the femdom fantasy with Holly.

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Just make me a sammich, sugar-tits.

Both Holly and Skippy begin flinging magic straight from the fifth edition of Dungeons and Dragons, proving once and for all that 5e was a horrible mistake. After some 5e spellcasting tomfoolery, the Epic Force experiences some kind of psychic calling to reunite and go on another adventure. Chad takes his leave from the king, Jamie sees a soul doctor (for a single panel), and Holly promises that Skippy will be a level 1 sorcerer by the end of this adventure.

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Keep that first sentence in mind for the rest of this summary.

The Epic Force unites and begins discussing what kind of adventure they should go on and what kind forgotten realms (Jay's words, not mine) they should go to. A peasant runs up to them and tells the disinterested Chad that a giant chicken is killing people and blowing shit up. The team finds this funny, right until the chicken waddles up and literally shits a cannonball at them.

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Yes, yes it did.

Chad declares that adventure has found them, so choke grab that chicken, dammit!

The chicken hops into a car and drives away. The Epic Force grabs a car of their own and gives chase, flinging more D&D magic to try and slow it down. After driving through a random pile of TNT that was in the middle of the road, the chicken opens a wormhole and jumps through, arriving at a graveyard and raising a zombie army that chants "Hail Chicken!" Chad, not to be outdone in the Mary Sue department, declares that they must find the chicken.


Out of the blue, Holly asks Chad about his dad. Chad, in denial that his dad has yet to return from buying cigarettes, stammers that daddy is just missing in action. For 20 years. That's when a telegram telegraph arrives for Jamie, informing her that her parents want her to come home. She bribes Chad into agreeing to take her home (with a hug), only to reveal that her home is in another dimension, and the only way to cross dimensions is by flying faster than light. The Epic Force decides to abandon the peasants to their fate and go to outer space.

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Yeah, to hell with those stupid peasants!

Flying in rockets that appeared out of nowhere, the Epic Force talks about Chad having a stick up his ass and sings a song about abandoning the peasants back home, rhyming random words for five pages while flying through space and shooting the brave heroes who tried to end the song prematurely. They even acknowledge that this is a distraction from the cannonball-shitting chicken, but who cares? We've got space traveling to do!

The Epic Force arrives at Jamie's home, which is apparently a farm or on Planet Shitballs because everything smells like manure. After meeting Jamie's mom, the discussion turns to inbreeding (thanks to banjo music in the background), and it's revealed that Planet Shitballs only has dial-up internet. Skippy, unable to use his phone, has a mental breakdown.

As Jamie's dad enters the scene, Chad leaves. When Holly goes out to speak with him, Chad reveals he may or may not have a literal stick up his ass which gives him his powers. The discussion, which started out awkward and was supposed to be sweet, gets even more awkward when Chad reveals that he wants to use Jamie as a cum dumpster.

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Keep it in your pants, Casanova.

After revealing that the Chicken of Death is in Scotland (Dundee, to be specific. This is revealed later.), the Epic Force spends the night in Jamie's parent's house.

Meanwhile, back on earth, the Chicken of Death and its zombie army get a four page musical number massacre peasants to. Jamie feels a twinge of guilt, but a little lesbianism with Holly cures her of that.

The Epic Force gets a ride to town from Jamie's mom, when the Chicken of Death is brought up. Ma reveals that only guns can stop the chicken, and Jay gets excited hearing about guns and launches into some useless backstory.

Upon arriving in town, Holly uses magic to spank Skippy for trying to take the spotlight from Chad, and when Jamie reprimands her for spanking Jamie's boy toy, Holly declares that she had a horrible childhood. Jamie uses her magic to read Holly's mind and learn about Holly's childhood. Skippy laughs at this, but as Jamie give him a little autoerotic asphyxiation, Chad stops her.

The Epic Force then launches into a five page musical number about guns, different types of guns, and how to use them. (As an aside: surprisingly, Jay gets gun safety halfway right.) Chad declares that guns are not as cool as his ass-stick-spirit-sword, but they're pretty okay, all things considered.

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No, I think they're already retarded.

After learning about guns, the Epic Force leaves Planet Shitballs on their spaceships and heads home.

To nobody's shock, their home is now a zombie-infested shithole. Rather than simply nuking the zombies, Jamie decides to engage in a little chemical warfare to thin the horde.

To nobody's shock, it doesn't work, and the zombies are shown to know how to use guns.

As the Chicken of Death unleashes its gun-using zombies, the heroes engage in yet another five page musical number as they mow down the walking dead, as the chicken is jamming their magic with some sort of machine. This is what, three musical numbers now? And can you believe we're only on page 64 of this shitfest?

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Howitzer gun, or poorly drawn glory hole? You decide.

The Chicken of Death, realizing that it can't fight guns with an ass cannon, breaks its magic jammer and runs. The Epic Force decides to build their own magic jammer, and Holly reveals that the only person who can build one (besides the Chicken) is her evil dad, Not-Eric Cartman.

They travel to Planet Colorado and arrive at the castle of the Klan of the Kallous Kucklords. I shit you not, Jay actually wrote this.

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Chris-Chan wishes he was this autistic.

Inside, the Kallous Kucklords don't believe Holly is the daughter of Not-Eric, so they grab a priest to perform a séance to call up the spirit of her adoptive dad to confirm this. Adoptive dad confirms that Holly is Not-Eric's daughter, and she has disappointed adoptive dad. After returning to hell, Not-Eric Cartman is alerted. Holly confronts Not-Eric, and an epic wizard battle begins.

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Yes, Jay's actually using the term Hit Points.

Both sides fling spells, use Counterspells, and Not-Eric shows that he has better command of the action economy of 5e than his daughter. Holly survives Power Word Kill (a spell that will instantly kill the target) through the power of bullshit, and as she lectures Not-Eric, he incapacitates her and prepares to rape her. She kills Not-Eric through the power of music and steals his knowledge.

That night, Chad has a dream about his own parents. The cum dumpsters Jamie and Holly decide to ignore the Chicken of Death and help Jay and Skippy (remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so) find their parents, but the boys overrule them. Jamie all but confirms that her redneck parents double as her aunt and uncle.

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Skippy reminds us of Jamie's only character flaw.

They fly back home, sans magic jammer, and decide that the only way to kill the Chicken is to send it to hell, follow it, and kill it there. Holly gets horny, but tries to pass it off as her being a psychopath for killing Not-Eric. The Epic Force discusses curing psychopathy with either super-science or magic.

Arriving back at Dundee, the Epic Force confronts the Chicken. Chad proves he's a Gary Stu by projecting an anti-magic field around the Chicken, allowing the Epic Force to shoot it to death.


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It sure was, Jay!

Back in Dundee Castle, the King (who hasn't been killed by the Chicken, despite his knights being massacred by it) reveals that there's a portal to hell beneath the castle, but the tunnel to it has been blocked off, and the only person who can slip through the blockage is Skippy. Jamie tells Skippy to go to the portal, grab a chunk of it, and bring it back, so she can teleport the Epic Force there.

Skippy goes belowground, singing his own musical number (badly parodying Dragonforce while he's at it), finds the portal, and fights off the guards, all while aboveground the Epic Force doubts Skippy's ability to do so. He finds a note, and brings it back along with the chunk of the portal Jamie needs. Chad reads the note and realizes it's from his father (the only man in the kingdom who could write in cursive). Realizing his dad is in hell, Chad convinces the Epic force to take a long rest the rest of the day off to prepare for the attack on hell.

Seriously, fuck the fifth edition of Dungeons and Dragons.

The Epic Force teleports to the portal, opens it with sheer awesomeness (I shit you not), and enters. Something goes wrong, and the team is separated, but they arrive in hell nonetheless.

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Evidently, hell is run by gay niggers.

While Chad wonders where he is, Holly is set up to be raped by Not-Eric, Jamie is accused of something (but it's really bad, honest!), and Skippy has to grow up and be a hero- and he fails miserably.

Meanwhile, Chad is confronted by a demon, so he pulls the literal stick out of his ass, beats the demon to death with it, and threatens to masturbate all over its body.

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Never change, Jay.

As the demons try to stop this desecration of the dead, song number five begins, featuring Chad becoming a knockoff Doomguy as he wades through the hordes of hell.

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Play, dammit!

As Chad wades through the demons, Holly breaks free, sets Not-Eric's farts on fire with magic, and kills him with what appears to be her giant futa cock.

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What goes around cums comes around, eh dad?

Bear in mind, this is all supposed to happen during a musical number.

Jamie does... something... to escape (I seriously cannot tell what), and the Epic Force reunites for an epic battle against the Chicken of Death!

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Go Team Chicken!

The Chicken leads by shitting out a cannonball, but Jamie knocks it away like a baseball with a hammer she pulled out of nowhere. Holly casts lightning bolt, but the chicken negates it. Chad, not to be outdone in the Mary Sue department, flings his sword, but the chicken dodges it. Realizing that they're having no effect, the Epic Force decides to attack with sheer awesomeness. This has no effect, so they decide to wear the chicken down by having Skippy fling magic at it. Skippy, not being a Mary Sue like Chad, quickly wears out, and the Chicken puts him out of his misery.

Unwilling to let Skippy rest in peace, one of the cum dumpsters (I can't tell which one) brings him back to life (even though they're in hell and that shouldn't be possible.) The Epic Force renews the attack, but the Chicken just shrugs everything off, from magic to The Force to swords (seriously, Chad, now would be a good time for that anti-magic field.) Jamie, however, takes advantage of fifth edition's spell slot economy to wear down the Chicken to the point they can shoot it dead.

After killing the Chicken and stealing the Doom Guy's BFG, they realize that they forgot to close the portal behind themselves, and demons are invading Dundee! They travel back to Dundee with a Plane Shift spell and kill the demons in short order. Chad then keeps his word by masturbating on their corpses.

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"I'm a man of my word, Satan."

After beating his meat for six hours, Chad and the Epic Force assemble before the King, who thanks them and rewards them handsomely. The Epic Force then goes their separate ways, but Jay only focuses on Chad and Holly. Chad asks his mother about his deadbeat dad, and learns his dad is just dead. Holly goes to therapy and proves just how based and redpilled she truly is.

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Based Jay?

The King offers Holly for any horndog man fuck, and the story ends with the Epic Force going to heaven to play D&D with Chad's dad.

The end. I'll let Jay have the last word here:
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Good thing he said it's the FIRST draft. I'd hate to mistake it for the final product.

What an autistic ride. Jay hasn't changed a bit since his glory days.

I'll summarize Through the Gates of Astroverse when I get the time and energy to do so.