Artcow Jay Geis / The Golden Knight / The Platinum Paladin / Dick Pierce - The Glorious Return of a Legendary Artcow and Spergilicious Psychopath

Sexy Senior Citizen

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I used to make comics back in 6th grade, people expect kids to do this shit. My art and story telling was better than that and I was 11. Anyways I've read through a lot of the thread and I've seen no one call Jay “the aluminum autist“ or "the silver sped"
He had an entire subforum once upon a time, so maybe he was called that before he tried to disappear.
Does he have a new girlfriend yet?
Nope:

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Twitter archive: https://archive.md/VYE9R



And in Jay news, he's apparently developing a game:
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And I'll let Jay have the last word:
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Nod Flenders

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And in Jay news, he's apparently developing a game:
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To the surprise of nobody, the game looks like shit, and it will definitely end up being shit, if he ever finishes.
 

Optimus Prime

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I used to make comics back in 6th grade, people expect kids to do this shit. My art and story telling was better than that and I was 11. Anyways I've read through a lot of the thread and I've seen no one call Jay “the aluminum autist“ or "the silver sped"

Oh, back in the original subforum we used to do that all the fucking time. Specifically to mock him and his unwarranted self-awarding of the title of 'Golden Knight' since he had an account here and even "interacted" with the forums. It was by that means and in one particular Halo multiplayer game where he got ganked (by standing around yelling pointless orders to his team instead of contributing, so somebody snuck into the base and knifed his ass) and he fucking EXPLODED about how he wasn't allowed to die or some dumb shit.

We really don't do it anymore because the thread is just not active. Jay's still the same exact dipshit he was all those years ago but as is with all lolcows, the threads are only as active as the lolcow posting shit.

He had an entire subforum once upon a time, so maybe he was called that before he tried to disappear.

Nope:

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Twitter archive: https://archive.md/VYE9R



And in Jay news, he's apparently developing a game:
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And I'll let Jay have the last word:
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"All I want for Christmas is SEX!"

Gotta love how this mongoloid is so dumb that he hasn't figured out how to order a sex doll. Of course, he's also likely still harboring a grudge against his brother for breaking his beloved paper mache piggy bank decades back.
 

Spicey McHaggis

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He had an entire subforum once upon a time, so maybe he was called that before he tried to disappear.

Nope:

View attachment 2887978

Twitter archive: https://archive.md/VYE9R



And in Jay news, he's apparently developing a game:
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View attachment 2888004


And I'll let Jay have the last word:
View attachment 2888021
That game looks like one of those early 2000s flash games you found on newgrounds. But somehow it looks even less polished.
 

Save the Loli

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So how bad are the musical numbers? I take it Jay just recycled Gloryhammer lyrics without being able to understand what made them cool/funny/epic in the first place? For someone whose media intake appears to mostly be parodic, comedic stuff (Gloryhammer is a parody of power metal, Powerpuff Girls is a parody of girly shows, South Park is a parody of life, etc.), he appears to have zero clue what makes that sort of stuff work to begin with.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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So how bad are the musical numbers? I take it Jay just recycled Gloryhammer lyrics without being able to understand what made them cool/funny/epic in the first place? For someone whose media intake appears to mostly be parodic, comedic stuff (Gloryhammer is a parody of power metal, Powerpuff Girls is a parody of girly shows, South Park is a parody of life, etc.), he appears to have zero clue what makes that sort of stuff work to begin with.
It's confusing, to say the least. It shows the "heroes" are doing whatever they're supposed to be doing, and then it abruptly cuts to them on a stage playing instruments.
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Here's a prime example. In the first panel, someone (I think it's Chad) is supposed to be in a spaceship flying to Planet Shitballs. In the second, they're abruptly on stage, playing a guitar solo.

I don't know if he recycled Gloryhammer lyrics, I wasn't paying that much attention to them.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

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Two weeks ago, I promised to give Through the Gates of the Astroverse the same treatment I gave The Chicken of Death, and I am here to keep that promise. Classic Jay is back in full force, and he has learned absolutely nothing since his glory days. Read this, and watch my sanity slowly crumble as I try to make sense of this steaming pile.

(Warning: Islamic content ahead)

Much like Chicken of Death, Gates of the Astroverse is written and laid out almost as a storyboard for a hypothetical Epic Force TV show. Our story picks up two years after the events of the Chicken of Death, and our cast of characters remains (mostly) unchanged:
  • Chad Golden-Knight: the "hero" and the main character
  • Jamie Forerunner: whore extraordinaire and Chad's primary love interest
  • Holly Cartman: the daughter of Not-Eric who the king of Dundee tried to pimp out at the end the last comic
  • God: the Dungeon Master. I shit you not.
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Even the Almighty has to play second fiddle to Jay's Mary Sue.

Skippy's also back, but nobody cares. Oh, and since it's not clear, we're introducing a new character named Chip.

We open in Heaven, where Jay Chad Golden-Knight is putting on a concert, singing about Dundee while killing what appears to be a gigantic demon. While this happens, Chad informs us that the Epic Force has been selected to go to space The Astroverse (TM) as representatives and kill things on behalf of alien NPCs and the King.

Arriving at the planet (don't ask how he got from Heaven to space The Astroverse (TM)), they are greeted by an alien congress with pictures of a Powerpuff Girl on the wall.
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Truly, an august body worthy of respect.

The congress is unsure of whether this is the real Chad Golden-Knight, because ten spies and 41 hoaxers tried to use Chad's name and appearance as a disguise to get in. Holly, unwilling to let her man be maligned in such a manner, prepares to nuke the aliens with her magic, but Chad intercepts the hit. As Holly heals him, the congress acknowledges that this is is the real Epic Force, and gives them their mission: Skippy has downloaded an app that has royally pissed off the local communists, so the congress wants the filthy Reds wiped out.

After warping through space The Astroverse (TM) and arriving at a planet-sized city, the group encounters Skippy, who is dressed like a pimp and is rolling in cash. When the Epic Force asks what happens, Skippy reveals that he's actually been able to make something of himself after leaving the Epic Force behind. Sorcery is just a hobby now; money is where the real magic is at. Holly disapproves, but Skippy flings a bag of money at her to get her to shut up.

As Skippy attempts to make a vlog, Holly destroys his phone, and Chad tries to lecture him. Skippy, having none of it, grabs some nearby speakers and another money bag and begins blasting techno music at high volume. As the Epic Force reels in pain, Skippy reveals that he is, indeed, an actual pimp, and has actually bought Chad a girl to fuck him, because apparently two cum dumpsters weren't enough.
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Screw the law, Skippy has money!

Meanwhile, as the space commies prepare to finish what the Chicken of Death started and permakill Skippy, but they are interrupted by... Space Nazis.

Meanwhile, Jamie cleans up their spaceships (I think?), while Holly and Chad engage in more carnal pursuits.
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It's only at this point that it's revealed Jay is the one playing D&D with God, and he's playing all three characters at once.

At this point, God calls for a perception check (and naturally, Chad rolls a natural 20- or an instant success, for those who don't know how 5th Edition works.)

Anyway, Chad finds a note from his dad and the Space Nazis kick in the door. Chad roasts the Nazis with a Lightning Bolt spell when Holly and Jamie catch up with him. Jamie is shocked and appalled at seeing the two naked (@MerriedxReldnahc already posted the image, so I'm not going to repost it here.) Neither of them put on clothes as they proceed to kill Space Nazis left and right.
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*Frustrated Wilhelm scream*

As a band provides background music, Skippy tries, and fails, to use magic. He is saved by Holly, whom he saves almost immediately after. Afterwards, he admits to Holly (who is still as naked as the day she was born) that he views her as a surrogate mother. He heals her up, and they get back into the fight.

It's a short fight, as some high explosives are triggered. Everyone dives into a nearby swimming (even the band dives in, after they rip off a Dragonforce song.) Holly encounters a little shota boy named Chip, who is at the pool ass-naked. Chip tries his best to suppress his boner, but Chad, lacking anything resembling self-control, immediately begins fapping in the pool, much to Chip's annoyance. As the Epic Force collects themselves and prepares to leave, Chip begs to be allowed to join, citing his D&D skills as a reason (by D&D skills I mean skills a Player Character can learn, not, for example, mastery of the game's action economy.)

Returning to the alien congress, their discussions reveal that weirdness is afoot, warping everything, and if someone doesn't address the problem that lies on the other side of the Gates of the Astroverse, the problem will only get worse, and eventually, things will be too weird for life to exist.

tldr: the Dimensional Merge is upon the world of the Epic Force, and only Chad can stop it.

After some useless exposition and backstory, Chad tries to contact his dad with magic. Unable to do this, he instead travels to Heaven, to meet with the original Golden Knight himself, Jay Motherfucking Geis.
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Yes, I am. And my name's not Sirius.

Chad and Jay meet, and Jay proves utterly useless, unable to help Chad with his quest. Jay does try to recruit Chad into a game of D&D, but to Chad's credit, he refuses.

The Epic Force travels to the building housing the Gates of the Astroverse. As they enter, everyone fails their Perception checks, and Chip is attacked by a snake. This triggers his anger (he's a Barbarian, and in D&D, Barbarian class has to get mad to unlock certain benefits) and he snaps the snake in half. Holly is naturally aroused by this.

The Epic Force arrives at the Gates of the Astroverse, and opens the gates with sheer awesomeness. The group is sucked inside and scattered. They are reunited, after Chad mistakenly thinks a monster is tentacle-raping the rest of the group (it's not; it's just playing with a black bar labeled "Censored.")
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Bad as it is, this joke is still too well-written to be one of Jay's.

They discover the dimensional anomaly that's causing the weirdness, and Chip is sucked through. Nobody gives a shit.

While Skippy gets cuddly with his whore of a surrogate mother, Chip finds himself in the custody of the only Native American tribe that appears to consist solely of niggers. The niggers reveal that Chip is a prophesied hero destined to join the Epic Force, but he has to undergo a spirit quest to find a special rock to win Holly's heart (and pussy.) Chip, not about to be outdone in the shota department by Skippy, gleefully undertakes this quest.
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WE WUZ INJUNS AN SHIET

Chip strips naked, slaughters his way through the local wildlife to the tune of an Injun chant, kills a bear with his hands and teeth, and declares that his Injun name is "Chipped Rock."

As Chip retrieves the stone, Chad astral projects his body there, just in time to see his father, Chuck Golden-Knight, arrive. As Chip and Chuck prepare to fight, Chad snaps out of his trance and directs the girls to take him to Chip at once. The dimensional merge begins screwing even with their most basic and reliable spells, causing them to panic.
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"Your Emperor cannot save you; only Chaos is eternal."

Chuck and Chip fight, with Chuck easily overpowering Chip and taking the stone. He walks back to his own spaceship, with Chip staggering behind, wondering how he could've lost. They quickly catch up with the rest of the Epic Force, as Chip is tracking a dimensional anomaly that seems to originate with the Epic Force. When they arrive, Chad takes Chuck aside to ask about why Chuck abandoned him and mom.

Chuck reveals that he tried to settle down, but his wife was too much of a maidservant (she only cared about shopping, housekeeping, and fucking), and he simply abandoned her. When Chad asks why Chuck would abandon his own son, Chuck informs Chad that he wasn't supposed to exist. Chuck never wanted a child; Chad was an accident.
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Sweet, sweet schadenfreude.

Chip is able to romance Holly, but before he can make good on that, Chip claims his magic stone, saying it's the MacGuffin that'll save the universe. Chad doesn't reveal what transpired between himself and Chuck. As the group sleeps their exciting day off, Chad astral projects himself to Jay and asks if even Jay knows what the hell is going on.
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Explains a lot, doesn't it?

Jay reveals that the Epic Force simply exists as a prequel, a foundation for something called "The Myth of the Legendary Warrior." That's right, the Epic Force is simply the prequel to his magnum opus.

Reinvigorated by this revelation, Chad and Company pile into their rockets and shoot off for the Gates of the Astroverse to the tune of yet another musical number. Gravity fails, and Chad has to flip the gravity switch to restore it (no, it makes no sense to me either.)

Arriving at the Gates, Chuck opts to remain behind while Chad and company go through the Gates to repair the damage (bearing in mind that Chuck previously sold himself as a hardass adventurer who didn't afraid of anything.) The local monsters arrive, and thanks to reality being warped, prove immune to everything the Epic Force throws at them. Holly pulls a deus ex machina, and Chip declares his love for her.

Back in Heaven, God is in awe at Chad's Jay's deft characterization. Jay humblebrags it away.
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And he dares God to smite his blasphemous ass.

Back in the game, Jamie and Chad attempt to fix the hole in reality that's causing this ruckus, and fails. They are trapped in the dark with literal walls of text explaining everything (it's supposed to be complete sensory deprivation. But how are they able to hold a conversation with each other?)

Holly and Chip, meanwhile, land on Planet Hitler, homeworld of the Space Nazis (Skippy is nowhere to be seen.) Chuck learns about this while apparently getting drunk, because he decides to mount a rescue instead of leaving these shitheels to their (well-deserved) fate.

Holly and Chip use D&D magic to try and confuse the Space Nazis; their puerile tricks work, and the Nazis are only able to respond in Google-translated German, but the effort wears Holly out. Chuck arrives, tricks the Nazi's into letting him land, and arms up for what's presented as an epic battle, but is, in reality, one old guy tricking his way into the Space Nazi city (can't take too much glory away from Jay Chad, now can we?) Chuck loads Holly into a box, hauls her fat ass back to his spaceship, and runs like a coward with Chip in tow.

Back in the Astroverse, Chuck, Jamie, Skippy, and the (female) guitarist are unable to escape from the dimensional whatever. With no ideas left, the guitarist is forced into becoming a deus ex machina to save them (if this seems completely fucking lazy, remember that Jay already declared that the Epic Force would win, and in doing so lay the groundwork for the Myth of the Legendary Warrior.)
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Chris-Chan would be proud of this autism.

Another musical number is engaged in, this one lasting 8 fucking pages. Because Jay seems to think he's getting paid by the page, or was inspired by the concept of filler episodes.
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They already failed.

The ass-pull works, and they stop the dimensional merge and return home ( the Space Nazis and the Space Commies are left alone to continue their dastardly ways, evidently.). Chad immediately returns to his mother's basement house and recaps the story, up to and including bragging about Skippy buying him a woman to fuck (mom approves, of course.) Chad breaks down and sobs like a little girl when he reaches the part about his dad, and after his mom comforts him, he immediately gives his latest fuck toy a booty call (he calls her his girlfriend, but we all know what she really is.) The Epic Force reunites, and Holly chooses to marry Skippy (yes, the boy who views her as a surrogate mother is now going to be fucking her.)

The Epic Force retires, and Jay leaves Heaven to assume his destiny as the Legendary Mythical Hero.

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And I'll be scarred for life!

The End.

Finally.
 

Optimus Prime

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Given there's no way Jays mother hasn't been forced to read this garbage, if Jay's blog post lamenting how his own mother doesn't give a fuck about his weirdo comic, I can only wonder how she feels about the blatantly obvious fact her idiot son is clearly obsessed with violence, murder, and gratuitously overexaggerated sex.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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On the social media front, our boy Jay has been more than a little busy.

He uploaded this three hour video of himself drawing to YouTube. There's no sound, and I don't have the autism to watch the whole thing. As of this post, his video has four views, and two of them are mine.

New archive of Jays Twitter account: https://archive.md/NkVRL

Still relentlessly promoting himself on Twitter:
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Jay gets excited:
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Still lusting after his waifu Blossom:
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More self-insertion:
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Based Jay doesn't want to be catfished again:
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Jay justifies his horniness:
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Don't let that ego get the best of you, Jay:
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Especially when your dick is already in control:
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Jay likes boats and the band Sabaton (more on them in a bit):
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Jay has no friends:
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Jay the hard worker:
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Based Jay, part 2 (and a Stonetoss crossover):
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"So need a cute girl:"
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Jay is a free spirit who won't let nobody tie him down!
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Jay thinks President Mushbrain writes his own tweets:
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Jay courts Sabaton to write the theme song for his new animation:
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Jay likes porn:
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MarineTrainedTard

I am shattered to pieces!
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I have to imagine he thinks his ideal woman is some kind of Ronda Rousey type except more of a doll'ed up bimbo, and the thought of his scrawny, bemulleted pasty ass trying to keep up with an athletic woman elicits quite a few chuckles from me.
 

Optimus Prime

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Of course he likes the song Steel Commander, partially because it's more power metal but the music video itself starts with a knight, who turns to stone or something and becomes this gold spirit searching for what I can only presume is the most badass tank ever.

Nevermind the fact that Steel Commander as a song is literally just a history lesson about tanks. The knight literally has nothing to do with the song lyrics.

What song didn't Jay mention? Christmas Truce, which is about the WWI Christmas Truce of 1914 and the music video is about two opposing armies putting down their guns and getting along before having to go back to killing each other. Obviously not Jay's speed, even though that one is much more recent than Steel Commander.

Of course, if Jay wanted some generic theme song of power metal, there's always the Broforce theme song by Strident. But it's not a brand name, of course.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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Well, lads and lassies, Jay has finished his Hero Team theme song. It's as shit as you'd think.
Original:
Archive (360p):


New twitter archive: https://archive.ph/hhnxg

Jay is feeling philosophical:
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Jay wants free shit:
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You could always contribute to society, Jay. But we both know that's beneath you.

Retweeting South Park fanart:
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Jay is lonely, part 1:
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Jay is lonely, part 2:
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One of those likes being leaving your girlfriend because you thought you could do better.


This is all I have time to gather, unfortunately. I don't think we're missing much, though. Jay is still being Jay.
 

Phil Ken Sebben

The Potato Whisperer.
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An in all these years the Tinfoil's Knave's art hasn't improved but in fact seems to have taken a couple steps back.

I can't make out what the fuck is going on in his comics. Literally it's just chicken scratchings like you'd expect a 5 year old would do. And he thinks this is going to make him money?
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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An in all these years the Tinfoil's Knave's art hasn't improved but in fact seems to have taken a couple steps back.

I can't make out what the fuck is going on in his comics. Literally it's just chicken scratchings like you'd expect a 5 year old would do. And he thinks this is going to make him money?
In a word? Yes.