Artcow Jay Geis / The Golden Knight / The Platinum Paladin / Dick Pierce - The Glorious Return of a Legendary Artcow and Spergilicious Psychopath

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HexBawxUno

It’s Everyday Bro with the Fat Girl Flow
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I knew I could count on Jay to make me sick with his theme song video. From the gratuitous nudity and stock music in the first half to the sloppy guitar riffs, I was making the face Anna is making in my avatar. I can’t decide if it’s better or worse than Growing Around’s theme song.

The reason I’m not 100% certain the guitar “work” is fake is because Jay has a bottom-barrel BC Rich Warlock he used in a Rocksmith video.
 

MarineTrainedTard

I am shattered to pieces!
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That theme song sounds like it was written by a person familiar with the concept of music, but has never actually heard any music in his entire life.

Jay's bit about school being useless is incredibly amusing juxtaposed with the fact that he has apparently never heard of Watergate or Richard Nixon.

His demand for gibs is also amusing when contrasted with the fact that he claims to hate libtards

In summary, I love Jay, he's fucking hilarious.

Say, didn't Jay work for Geek Squad for a brief stint? I'm sure it's in a thread about him, but I can't seem to find it. Did he quit because he was too good for working, or did he get fired because he's a retard who can't do the job? I don't remember.
 

sikotik

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His demand for gibs is also amusing when contrasted with the fact that he claims to hate libtards
His politics are just whatever he thinks will benefit him which is why they're all over the place. So since he considers almost any work to be beneath him of course he'd want gibs
The Geek Squad stint was way back in the day when he had a subforum so it could be anywhere in the Spergatory archive.
 

Mister Moo

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Say, didn't Jay work for Geek Squad for a brief stint? I'm sure it's in a thread about him, but I can't seem to find it. Did he quit because he was too good for working, or did he get fired because he's a retard who can't do the job? I don't remember.
I definitely remember him working for Geek Squad. I remember he would talk it up like he was a Green Beret or special forces or some shit LOL..

I don't think we ever knew for sure how/why it ended there. I kinda remember having a working theory that he was bragging about his accomplishments to his co-workers, and then they would have googled him and discovered his Kiwi Farms thread, the Christmas Story, porno comics, etc. I think his getting hired at the Geek Squad, and then him disappearing from the internet - he deleted his deviant art and youtube channel - I think all that stuff happened within a couple weeks of each other?

Anyway, yeah, I definitely remember him working at Geek Squad.
 

Phil Ken Sebben

The Potato Whisperer.
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I definitely remember him working for Geek Squad. I remember he would talk it up like he was a Green Beret or special forces or some shit LOL..

I don't think we ever knew for sure how/why it ended there. I kinda remember having a working theory that he was bragging about his accomplishments to his co-workers, and then they would have googled him and discovered his Kiwi Farms thread, the Christmas Story, porno comics, etc. I think his getting hired at the Geek Squad, and then him disappearing from the internet - he deleted his deviant art and youtube channel - I think all that stuff happened within a couple weeks of each other?

Anyway, yeah, I definitely remember him working at Geek Squad.
I don't know if he actually worked Geek Squad or it he just worked as a mobile PC tech. To him Geek Squad was the best of the best. Literally he referred to it in one of his comics as something like "tech nirvana". And his mobile days didn't last long because he took too much time, couldn't get to all his appointments and wound up not being able to find a place to park.

I mean this is the guy that crowed about getting his A+ certification which is the most basic bitch cert you can get. As far as I'm concerned if you can build a working PC from spare parts, load the OS and configure it you're A+ certified.
 

Optimus Prime

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I mean this is the guy that crowed about getting his A+ certification which is the most basic bitch cert you can get. As far as I'm concerned if you can build a working PC from spare parts, load the OS and configure it you're A+ certified.
Even worse - going back a few pages to the stuff The Silver Knight was saying, Jay's A+ cert is expired and all attempts to get Jay to study to retake the updated certification test resulted in Jay screaming about how it was 'torture' for him. With the only reason, given by Jay himself, as to why he passed it in the first place was his dad threatening to throw him out of the house.

So really, Jay is even less employable now than he was before because he won't even get a cert he already proved capable of obtaining. At his age, history of employment, probable lack of references, and still declining level of work ethic, he may flat out even be unemployable for the most basic of jobs like sorting glass.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

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When I first reviewed Jay's comics and casually mentioned that they took place "a year after The Myth of the Epic Force ended," I never questioned what "The Myth of the Epic Force" was. At the time, it didn't strike me as important. Today, I got curious and dug into he Deviant Art a little.

As it turns out, his Epic Force comic series is a trilogy. "The Myth of the Epic Force" is the first instalment, drawn back in the heady days of 2019.

Deviant Art
Download

Buckle up, buckaroos. We're going on one last trip up Shit Creek, back to where it all began.

As with the other two, it opens with a musical number, and as per his DeviantArt, he's specifically ripping off Gloryhammer songs. Immediately, we're introduced to the three main characters:
  • Chad Golden-Knight, heir to an order of paladins.
  • Jamie Forerunner, from a galaxy far, far away. She's apparently learning something new every day, which speaks a lot of her intelligence.
  • Holly Cartman, the daughter of Not-Eric Cartman (but we don't know that yet.) She supposedly had an evil master she escaped from.
The enemy is a mighty sorcerer named... Stupidity.

Yes, the enemy is literally called "Stupidity." Yes, I wish I was just making this up.

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Let's get this shitshow on the road!

To defeat him, they need to reunite the three relics of Powerkind: the hammer, scythe, and and blade. We join our "heroes" as they've traveled through space and are staying at a cheap motel (in space.) Holly is wondering who she can sleep with (no, not like that, for once) because there's a gigantic, soul-eating monster sitting on her bed. She tries to sleep with Jamie, but Jamie farts in her sleep, and Chad is too busy sleeping to give his consent. Holy is forced to confront the monster alone.

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And since she has no soul, you'll starve.

Holly chucks some magic at it, and we cut to heaven, where Jay is playing D&D with God still (though this isn't immediately apparent.) Jay rolls for damage, and after rolling the lowest possible damage, the monster immediately dies. Because not even God will inconvenience Jay.

After vowing to never again stay at a space motel, they arrive at the planet of Scotland, and discover it is being overrun by... My Little Pony. Holly reveals that she accidentally caused the pony flood in order to escape her evil master. Chad is understandably upset at this.

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And Jay still doesn't know why the ladies hate him.

After Chad tells Jamie to shut up and stop lusting after Holly, our protagonists go to war with the ponies, only to discover a kaiju-sized pony (or maybe it's flying, I can't tell) chanting "Join us! Join us!"

Don't worry, it is instantly killed before Chad can be put into any real danger.

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That poor, poor pony.

After the pony flood is wiped out, they land to discuss their game plan for finding the Hammer of Powerkind. Chad's game plan, as it turns out, is incredibly simple: he's going to masturbate, and then go home to mom.

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Masturbate first, mom second. Glad to see Chad's priorities are straight.

Jay's Chad's mom survived the ponies, so Chad graciously decides not to beat Holly like a rented mule. Ma wants to know what happened, and Chad tells all: he was traveling through space when a mysterious dimensional rift opened, and Holly and Jamie fell out. He picked them up in his spaceship and brought them to the nearest habitable planet to recover. They had no clue how they got there, but Chad is such a swell fellow they decide to join him. After helping him with many, many quests (we're not told what those quests were), they buy their own spaceships.

That's when it's revealed Chad is actually singing this to his mom.

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I don't think a real guitar could save this.

Ma demands he stop dicking around and get back to the story. Chad reveals he and the girls traveled to a distant space rock, where retard goblins (his words, not mine) freed the evil wizard known as Stupidity. Stupidity declares his intention to infect the heads of everyone with memes and sarcasm, to make men never read instructions, to make women sacrifice entire planets to create their beauty products, and to destroy the accursed apostrophe. Chad and company fight, but Stupidity beats the shit out of them, and runs before he can think to kill them. Chad does some research and learns they need the three relics of powerkind to beat him. He then summarizes the comic thus far and finishes his song.

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"Why didn't I have an abortion?"

Meanwhile, the girls are waiting patiently for Chad to finish dicking around. Jamie senses a disturbance in "The Force" coming from Holly, After some prodding, Holly reveals that she's illegitimate, her father having raped her mother. She then pisses and moans about how horrible her life was, while Jamie tries (ineffectually) to comfort her.

Chad returns, and the girls obediently fall in line to follow him to Dundee Castle, and the pimp king who resides there (remember, in Chicken of Death he tries to pimp Holly out.) The king doesn't seem to care that technicolored equine doom almost overran his kingdom, and tells the group that he has the Hammer of Powerkind- or rather, he knows where it is. It's in the Forerunner Temple, meaning only Jamie can wield it. She has to travel to the land of unicorns, mount a unicorn (not that kind of mounting), and ride it (not that kind either) to the temple to claim the hammer. The party is sent off on its epic quest with an epic guitar solo from the king's bard.

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Trust me, guys, it's epic.

Chad, unable to think beyond his basic bodily functions, decides he's hungry, so they stop at a Scottish bar. There, the patrons pick a fight with them for absolutely no reason, and Holly murders them all in cold blood. But it's okay, because it turns out Holly is on her period.


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The Epic Force in a nutshell.

The group then flies into some fog, crashes their ships in a swamp, and has to abandon them there. All of this, according to Chad, means they're on the right track to unicorn land. Jamie was separated from the group, but she finds a unicorn, mounts it, and rides it to the temple. She sings yet another musical number as she claims the hammer and uses it to kill the monster guarding it. Afterwards, she finds a family tree, and realizes she has a distant relative named Jay Forerunner, which explains why the Force is so strong in her. As she leaves the temple, Stupidity's minions accost her, but she easily beats them.

When Stupidity hears that his idiot minions failed to get the hammer, he is furious, but has no one to blame but himself. Stupidity pulls out a keyboard and pays an evil musical number to give himself infinite power or something, and directs his minions to retrieve the scythe of powerkind.

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Don't tell me what to do, Jay Stupidity!

Meanwhile, Chad and Holly are speaking, and Chad reveals that he had a twisted backstory as well. When Holly asks about it, Chad reveals that he never got to do what he wanted. It was always "Go to school, Chad!" and "Go to church, Chad!" and "Be an upstanding citizen, Chad!" Chad was never allowed to do what he wanted, resulting in him having a literal stick up his ass.

Chad explains how his special spirit sword works, Holly raises their spaceships out of the swamp, and Jamie reunites with them. They fly back to Dundee, where the king throws a feast for them. They pay homage to something called "Hoots," get a token of the Wish spell from the king (i.e., they get the most powerful spell in Dungeons and Dragons), and the move out to find the next artifact.

When they get close, Stupidity ambushes them with a small fleet of spaceships, and yet another musical number is launched as they fight in what I think is supposed to be an epic battle; it's too badly drawn for me to tell. Anyway, Jamie takes a bullet to one of her breasts, Holly is flung into space (and then rescued), and at the end of this life-and-death struggle, Chad takes the only logical course of action masturbates (after stripping Jamie completely naked, ostensibly to pull the bullet out of her breast.)

Holly decides to wander off on her own, without Chad's permission, and is promptly attacked by a horde of insects. She runs away screaming, and then uses death metal to kill all the bugs and irreparably destroy a significant chunk of a planet's biosphere.

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That's what you get for not listening to your man, Holly.

Nature tries to get revenge for this wanton destruction, and a horde of animals and shapeshifting spearchuckers attack Holly. She defeats them all, including the spearchucker chief who has the scythe of powerkind. She's then confronted by trollface bigfoot, whom she brutally slaughters.

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Don't look too closely.

Meanwhile, back at the camp, Chad brags to Jamie about how awesome his Gary Stu gear is, and both engage in some useless exposition. After four pages of yammering, Holly returns. Apparently, her pony flood killed the spearchucker's god, and now that makes her evil. Or something. It's really not clear.

Thankfully, Stupidity arrives to rescue the reader from this horrible storytelling, forcing the Epic Force to flee the planet in search of the final relic. Stupidity then leaves to make everyone stupid before the "heroes" can stop him.

Arriving at the final planet, the "heroes" arrive to retrieve the mythical sword of powerkind (which is the naturally most powerful of all the relics, since it's going to be used by Chad.) Chad tries to fly to the top of the mountain to retrieve the sword, but the mountain is protected by some kind of mystical disintegration barrier, forcing Chad to climb it normally. He sings yet another musical number to encourage himself as he climbs the 30 kilometers in a matter of minutes.

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I thought it was the Myth of the Epic Force. Thanks for clearing that up.

He retrieves the sword, kills the dragon guarding it in an anticlimactic battle, and descends. He then enters a museum of legendary guardian warrior people, and telekinetically speaks to Jay himself. Jay, not allowing anyone to get in the way of his power fantasies, reveals that he's level 240 in D&D (a game where the level cap is only 20), he's playing D&D with his best friend God, and the meaning of life is... Dungeons and Dragons.

Fifth edition was a horrible mistake.

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Jay also discovered the word "googol."

Jay then reveals that the entirety of the Epic Force is descended from him, and God will let him reincarnate if they can fulfill their destinies.

He reunites with the girls, they salivate a bit over him, and then he falls asleep and crashes his spaceship. After running from a monster (can't let mere women upstage Chad Golden-Knight, can we?), the girls drag his sleeping carcass to a large skyscraper (on a world supposedly overrun with monsters, we can still have nice things.)

And... I'm not sure what happens next. It's all so horribly drawn, even by Jay's low standards, that it confuses me. From what I can make out, they enter the skyscraper, realize it has no elevator, and fly their (wrecked) spaceships into the upper floors, because there's an airstrip there, not because they're imitating 9/11. They use what they find to repair and upgrade their spaceships and fly them at speeds which would make light slink away in underachieving shame.

They arrive at another space hotel, and bribe pay the nigger manning the front desk gold coins to let them stay for the night. After dumping Chad in his own rooms, the girls have another chat, and swoon over how strong and noble Chad is despite his horrible upbringing (because being conceived by rape is nothing compared to being told to eat your veggies and go to bed on time.) Holly gets so horny from this that she masturbates rather loudly.

Chad, meanwhile inadvertently astral projects himself in front of Stupidity, who is so shocked he can't react. Upon returning to his own body, Chad gives a heroic speech (in his pajamas) and the group flies off to confront the sorcerer. They accidentally warp into a dimension full of gigantic Lovecraftian bees, however, and during their panicked fighting Chad is separated from the others.

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I couldn't even crop the image correctly, his art was so terrible.

Chad finds himself surrounded by monsters, and thinking he's about to die, regrets only not fucking Jamie and Holly when he could have. The girls swoop in and save him, and they go to face Stupidity's massive space fleet.

The musical number that follows is a full twelve sixteen pages long, and somehow the quality and art are even worse than the preceding pages (and the lyrics are a rip-off of The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.) The Epic Force tears through Stupidity's space fleet, crash lands onto his base, and proceeds to massacre his goblin army. Jamie and Holly put up a good fight, but ultimately fail to make any impression, and it's up to Chad, who wastes their Wish spell to make himself more epic and batter his way through the goblins and their king. At this point, the girls recover and join Chad for the final battle against Stupidity.

Stupidity mocks the heroes, using his mind-reading abilities to hit them in their egos, and reveals he's only doing what he's doing for shits and giggles.

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It sure is, pal!

The group has none of that, whips out their mythical weapons, and the final battle finally begins.

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Why do I hear boss music?

The group tries to charge head-on, but they're too drained from the preceding fights to actually damage the guy. Jay summons the power of his awesomeness to inspire the group into defeating the sorcerer with the artifacts of powerkind (which never show up again in the following comics.) Holly is injured, but she's revived by deus ex machina (namely, the Wish spell artifact the king gave them.)

Chad goes home and tells the story to mom. The girls go to the pool, have a physical, and decide to join Chad. The Epic Force becomes the official champions of the king of Dundee. There's a party held in their honor. Jay thanks people better than him for giving him something to rip off to make this utter abortion of a comic.

And after fourteen pages of nonsensical exposition, we finally end this tale.


Out of all three Epic Force comics, this was by far the worst.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie down, because I think I can taste colors now. As always, I'll let Jay have the last word:

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You're welcome. Now give it back.
 

Save the Loli

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This alternates between being something I'd be proud of if my 6 year old kid drew it to being pure evil from the pit of hell. Jay truly is the result of a mad science experiment that shows what happens when you raise a hypersexual 80 IQ autist on a diet of violent media, adult comedies, and power metal. It's true insanity.

I'm kind of amazed Jay doesn't listen to pornogrind, since you'd think samples of porn mixed with toilet gurgling vocals and fast angry rhythms would be right up his alley.
 

sikotik

It's Lego Frank Mutha Fucka!
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I know I shouldn't be surprised that Jay's art and storytelling hasn't improved and even got worse, but I still am. What happened? Did mommy and daddy not get him a new version of Illustrator?
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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I know I shouldn't be surprised that Jay's art and storytelling hasn't improved and even got worse, but I still am. What happened? Did mommy and daddy not get him a new version of Illustrator?
Maybe. It looks like he's drawing with pencil/pen on typing paper and scanning the "finished" work onto the computer.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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You know, I manage to find people who are worse and worse at art. I'm surprised how they never get better either.
You know what the worst part is? His style is a ripoff of South Park and the original Powerpuff Girls- literally two of the most simple animation/art styles out there. And he still screws it up.
 

A Big Bumbling Black Man

never forget your vest in the gangster kitchen
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You know what the worst part is? His style is a ripoff of South Park and the original Powerpuff Girls- literally two of the most simple animation/art styles out there. And he still screws it up.
One of the creepiest parts is that none of the adults in South Park or Powerpuff Girls are drawn the way that Jay draws his characters; only the children.
He's tried to handwave this away by claiming all his characters are just life-like plush dolls, which is just as unconvincing as it is incomprehensible.
 

Optimus Prime

Resident KF Transformers Expert
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One of the creepiest parts is that none of the adults in South Park or Powerpuff Girls are drawn the way that Jay draws his characters; only the children.
He's tried to handwave this away by claiming all his characters are just life-like plush dolls, which is just as unconvincing as it is incomprehensible.
Not to mention Jay has completely ignored the problems that the use of circle-based character design introduces. Craig McKracken, the creator of PPG, outright said that one of the cardinal rules of the original show was to minimize if not outright prevent seeing the girls from the side - usually if they have to look to the side, the camera itself has to reorient so at worst it's an angled shot on a PPG but still from the front or to the back. It should be noted that even with PPG, literally only the core trio are drawn with circle heads and no fingers, and really look more freakish compared to the more normal body proportions of literally everybody else in the show - including their classmates.

The revival show broke this rule out of sheer ignorance quite often and the result is...horrifying.

It's far less a problem with South Park since the kids have much smaller and normal looking eyes (instead of 2/3rds of the head being eyeballs like the PPG) and thus side shots don't look freakish (or in Kenny's case you only see his parka).

However, the reality is really one of convenience in that because Jay is so fucked in the head he gravitates towards younger kids and he likes shows that just so happen to utilize simple shapes for his preferred characters and are thus easier for him to draw hastily before he loses interest in the scene.
 

Ga1v5

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Well, lads and lassies, Jay has finished his Hero Team theme song. It's as shit as you'd think.
Original:
Archive (360p):
View attachment 2986114

New twitter archive: https://archive.ph/hhnxg

Jay is feeling philosophical:
View attachment 2986122

Jay wants free shit:
View attachment 2986123
You could always contribute to society, Jay. But we both know that's beneath you.

Retweeting South Park fanart:
View attachment 2986128

Jay is lonely, part 1:
View attachment 2986132

Jay is lonely, part 2:
View attachment 2986136
One of those likes being leaving your girlfriend because you thought you could do better.


This is all I have time to gather, unfortunately. I don't think we're missing much, though. Jay is still being Jay.
As a guitarist, that's the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever heard and I browse the schizo music threads
 

Save the Loli

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As a guitarist, that's the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever heard and I browse the schizo music threads
I almost wanna say that this is to the generic power metal "dramatic keyboard intro track followed by badass opening riff on the real intro song" that shitty bedroom black metal is to black metal, but this makes those bedroom black metal tracks sound utterly god-tier.

At least I guess that's what Jay's going for, since to me it doesn't sound like anything beside random notes on a guitar.
 

I swear she's 18

Lewd the loli, I dare you
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Archive link seems broken. I swear nudity outside of educational/artistic purposes are against TOS of YouTube. That, and the art is so bad. I had to slow down because I thought the blossom knockoff had a micro benis, but it's actually semen leaking out of her. Also, damn it Jay whats with feet torture porn? Fuck man...

It's pretty weird going from reveille to rock guitar. With the guitar is sounds terrible compared to the more crisp and decent audio quality of the trumpet; Wouldn't surprise me he recorded off his phone in his room with the shitry quality it is. Plus no mixing between the musical differences just straight into another genre. I thunk he's trying to emulate "till I collapse" by Eminem by using the cadence from Jodies. You have that military feel with whatever theme being used or at least transition to it. You could do switch it up and change themes and tempo. It's just poorly done. 1/10 I want to die.
 

Sexy Senior Citizen

What's the big deal? It's called a fetish!
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New archive link: https://archive.ph/sjoYi

Now let's see what the Pyrite Pinhead's been up to recently...

Retweeting Stonetoss:
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Horny Jay (the more notable horny tweets, anyway):
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Loli shit:
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Retweeting the original artist:
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He's probably retweeting it because of the simplistic, childish style (and the lolis.)

Which one of you did this?
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Jay is getting desperate:
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Jay is lazy:
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But maybe if he played fewer video games, he'd be able to make his dreams a reality.
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Ah, who am I kidding. He'll never make his dreams a reality.

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Well done, boys.
:semperfidelis:


Fuck those damned peasants!
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Jay is humble, for once in his life:
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South Park:
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Jay likes his RPGs (by "RPGs" I mean "Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition"):
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He's such a fighter, he ran away from those rascally Kiwis and their name-calling.
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The comic:
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