Lolcow Jonah Falcon - Moonfaced Pasty Creep with the Largest Penis in the World

[cruderudedude]

So this tall glass of water right here is Jonah Falcon, confirmed to have one of the largest penises in the world , and the largest not due to some disease or deformity like elephantiasis.

Thirteen Point 5 inches erect.

He's also a huge creepy dork and an aspiring actor.


This video says more than I ever could about this guy, but I'm going to try anyway.

He has had bit parts on shows such as Melrose Place, Law And Order, and The Sopranos . He estimates he's been on over 3,000 dates, and has regularly performed sexual favors in exchange for money.


You can mostly find him on twitter, https://twitter.com/jonahfalcon talking about:
people gawking at his massive johnson when he goes out in public
whatever bad thing The Trump Administration did this week
The latest bullshit that happened in "nerd culture" or gaming or whatever
But mostly just his massive dick, I guess that's where he keeps his ego

Yes he does, in fact, get off on showing off his cock in public. You know, without the consent of others and possibly around children.

Did I mention he's a massive dweeb? As in he hosts his own gaming podcast, the latest episode was uploaded on August 29, 2017. It has a really creative title as well.
http://gamingpodcast.net/

https://web.archive.org/web/2016051...n-largest-penis-frisked-by-tsa_n_1675767.html
Since he has such a boring personality, it makes sense that his entire life would revolve around his massive cock. He was once stopped by TSA and frisked when they noticed the "suspicious bulge" in his pants. Funny, I guess, talk show circuit got a real kick out of that probably.

Besides that, I mostly just enjoy looking at the guy, I guess it makes me feel a bit better about myself that the guy who should be the most alpha male ever turns out to be a big, huge, massive, humongous nerd.

 

[CatParty]

the stern show used to drive this guy insane

 

[cruderudedude]

"Nerdy fucker on public access with the big penis"

Yea that's Jonah alright.
I think the point of Freaks of Cock or Monsters of Cock is that it's a fake dick spewing gallons of fake cum that's either attached to a big buff black guy or a girl if its that Futanari stuff, and I suppose both of those are more attractive to look at than Jonah, it's not really his personal choice not to do porn, he's just not very marketable. So it's really no surprise his acting "career" never took off. Like The Sopranos is good and all but throw a rock and half of the time you'll hit someone that had a bit part on it.

 

[void]

Sounds incredibly painful tbh.

 

[cruderudedude]

Sounds incredibly painful tbh.

well he is a big guy

 

[Karl der Grosse]

He used to have this insane stalker who seemed to be a woman whose first language was definitely not English. She was always asking about Milton Berle's big ol' Schmeckle too.

 

[Yutyrannus]

That's a waste of a big dick on an ugly guy. Shame.

 

[PurpleSquirrel]

Been aware of him for a long time. Agreed -- he's a huge nerd.

Thing is, with a crank that size, he could have become a killer porn star. A monstrously-hung guy that looks and acts like an Everyman shlub would make him combination of John Holmes and Ron Jeremy. Obviously he loves showing it off, and longs for stardom -- why didn't he pursue adult-film work?

 

[Kugelsak Kastengrus 6th]

This might be another example of a monkey's paw wish. The guy has a huge schlong, but he's too much of a goober to get any use outta it.

 

[Clown Baby]

He was on a tlc special "strange sex" or something a few years ago, it was basically a huge cringe fest with him going on blind dates with women who looked like trapped animals.

"World-renowned large-penis-haver"

 

[a dinosaur]

Been aware of him for a long time. Agreed -- he's a huge nerd.

Thing is, with a crank that size, he could have become a killer porn star. A monstrously-hung guy that looks and acts like an Everyman shlub would make him combination of John Holmes and Ron Jeremy. Obviously he loves showing it off, and longs for stardom -- why didn't he pursue adult-film work?

Funnily enough, he has seriously claimed that John Holmes was his father. And the reason why he doesn't do porn is "I want to be an actor. I want to be taken seriously."

From a 2003 article in Rolling Stone:

Jonah Cardeli Falcon was born in 1970 to Cecilia Cardeli and a man who died shortly after Jonah's birth. Falcon has at times said that his biological father was legendary porn star John "Johnny Wadd" Holmes, who died of AIDS in 1988. Holmes was known for the length of his penis (which happens to be roughly the same size as Jonah's). Falcon claims to possess "confidential" information proving his lineage, but family members scoff at this suggestion.

Falcon asks that if I interview his mother, I do not speak to her about his penis. "I'm pretty sure she knows about it," he says. "But it's not a topic for a mother."

 

[NIGGO KILLA]

He shoukd use his dick to fuck himself

Instant money foreva

 

[Oh Long Johnson]

Wasn't this guy one of the original lolcows of Internet 1.0 15 years ago?

 

[uruugint]

He was on a tlc special "strange sex" or something a few years ago, it was basically a huge cringe fest with him going on blind dates with women who looked like trapped animals.

"World-renowned large-penis-haver"

in the thumbnail for the video he looks worse than usual, tbh. the unnecessarily tight pants + massive dong is so unappealing to me. maybe if he lost a few pounds and got a less autistic looking haircut he'd look a bit more attractive

 

[cruderudedude]

in the thumbnail for the video he looks worse than usual, tbh. the unnecessarily tight pants + massive dong is so unappealing to me. maybe if he lost a few pounds and got a less autistic looking haircut he'd look a bit more attractive

well he is nearly 50 years old, so the time for him to get in shape and really be the big cock of the walk was over 20 years ago. Ain't no thots who want a 47 year penis thats as big as their arm and most definitely infected with multiple STDs when they can get one that doesn't age or talk about WoW during off of Adamandeve.com

 

[Sinner's Sandwich]

Huge dick and ugly face.

Also he has a big penis.

 

[Feline Darkmage]

lol he looks like @Kenneth Erwin Engelhardt

 

[DarkSydePundit]

3000 Dates, huh?

Can someone confirm that?
Also 3000 Dates doesn't mean 3000 lays so that makes me interested how many women agreed to meet up out of curiosity and his alleged "celeb" status but then realized his dick isn't the only thing that's huge (Hint: His ego)

 

[symantec]

Having to center your entire life around your dick seems like a pretty pitiful existence. Especially when you have such an enormous dick attached to such a pathetic waste of oxygen.

 

[InactionMan]

Been aware of him for a long time. Agreed -- he's a huge nerd.

Thing is, with a crank that size, he could have become a killer porn star. A monstrously-hung guy that looks and acts like an Everyman shlub would make him combination of John Holmes and Ron Jeremy. Obviously he loves showing it off, and longs for stardom -- why didn't he pursue adult-film work?

From what I've read about the industry, being a male porn star is incredibly difficult work. That's why you only see the same handful of guys in the major productions. They're dependable. You have to fuck women for hours on end while they get the different camera angles and then be able to cum on cue when the director says so. If you can't get an erection, you've ruined a whole day's worth of production and once word gets around nobody will want to take a chance on you. I'm sure it's a high-stress job.