H
HG 400
Guest
kiwifarms.net
It was about a year or two ago when @Null first told me about his ambitious plans to develop a new piece of software, an automated filter to detect and combat child pornography. It seemed like a good enough concept in theory ; new uploads posted to image boards would be checked against a database, and immediately deleted and the uploader reported if the image matched checksums of known child pornography. I liked the idea. Nothing quite like it was in use at the time and it seemed like a pretty sensible way of keeping illegal content out of abandoned or barely moderated internet communities. "It's a great idea", I told him. "You should totally do it". Then I didn't hear about it again.
Maybe six months ago I asked him "Hey is that child pornography software you're writing still going" and he just smirked. "Oh yes, it's still going", he smiled "But I've got bigger plans for it now. Better plans." He didn't seem to want to elaborate, and I can appreciate a man's need for an air of mystery so I just changed the subject. "Did you block up the toilet again?". It turns out that yes, he did block up the toilet again.
I thought that was the end of the story until a few weeks ago. "Hey Matt," he said, a conspiratorial twinkle in his eye "Are you still tight with ISIS?". Silly question. Everyone who knows me knows that ISIS's devotion to me (and I suppose vice versa) are unshakeable and can survive minor setbacks like the fall of Mosul.
"Of course I'm still tight with ISIS, Josh. Why do you ask?"
"I need a favour. The type of favour only ISIS can provide"
Already I started to get uncomfortable. You know that feeling when you're happy to do somebody a small favour but you're not sure how big it'll be and don't want to look like an asshole by saying yes and then having to back down? I'm pretty convinced at this point that he's going to ask for a free child bride, which are, as you know, in pretty high demand these days.
"Well uh, what kind of favour is it you're after, Josh?"
"I've devised an ingenious way to finally shut up my internet enemies like Sam Smith for good, but I need help from ISIS to fully implement it."
Well, that's the kind of favour I can certainly help with. Fertiliser bombs, trucks of peace, bearded virgins with AK-47's ; these are our bread and butter.
"Sure Josh, of course I can help you. Is it a bomb we're looking at, or maybe a mass shooting?"
"No, Matt. I need them to get a law passed in the European Parliament"
"..... we can do that."
Maybe six months ago I asked him "Hey is that child pornography software you're writing still going" and he just smirked. "Oh yes, it's still going", he smiled "But I've got bigger plans for it now. Better plans." He didn't seem to want to elaborate, and I can appreciate a man's need for an air of mystery so I just changed the subject. "Did you block up the toilet again?". It turns out that yes, he did block up the toilet again.
I thought that was the end of the story until a few weeks ago. "Hey Matt," he said, a conspiratorial twinkle in his eye "Are you still tight with ISIS?". Silly question. Everyone who knows me knows that ISIS's devotion to me (and I suppose vice versa) are unshakeable and can survive minor setbacks like the fall of Mosul.
"Of course I'm still tight with ISIS, Josh. Why do you ask?"
"I need a favour. The type of favour only ISIS can provide"
Already I started to get uncomfortable. You know that feeling when you're happy to do somebody a small favour but you're not sure how big it'll be and don't want to look like an asshole by saying yes and then having to back down? I'm pretty convinced at this point that he's going to ask for a free child bride, which are, as you know, in pretty high demand these days.
"Well uh, what kind of favour is it you're after, Josh?"
"I've devised an ingenious way to finally shut up my internet enemies like Sam Smith for good, but I need help from ISIS to fully implement it."
Well, that's the kind of favour I can certainly help with. Fertiliser bombs, trucks of peace, bearded virgins with AK-47's ; these are our bread and butter.
"Sure Josh, of course I can help you. Is it a bomb we're looking at, or maybe a mass shooting?"
"No, Matt. I need them to get a law passed in the European Parliament"
"..... we can do that."
