Jupiter Ascending (2015) - The most batshit movie you never saw

[*extremely mom voice*]

Was going through some old files and found this movie again, which triggered some nostalgia.

I talk shit in other threads about MtFs who wish they were pubescent girls, but I'll give the Wachowski sisters some credit: if a 12-year-old girl could make a $200 million dollar movie, this is the movie she would make. Is it "good?" Doesn't matter, even though the answer is "no." Jupiter Ascending is a colorful, overcomplicated, big budget disaster. It's a good movie to watch when you're drunk, ideally with a friend, so you can hoot and holler over details such as:

-the PG-13 zero-G orgy
-Mila Kunis is genetic royalty. Bees can smell this.
-Channing Tatum plays the love interest, a genetically engineered human/dog hybrid with flying roller blades and eventually wings
-Humans are the galactic master race and have dinosaur slaves
-The plot is identical to the Matrix, with more sequins but just as much leather.
-Oscar winning actor Eddie Redmayne plays a cannibal overlord who screams at subordinates while dressed like this:

Anyone else remember this movie?

 

[The Shadow]

I remember the Half in the Bag episode.

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.”

 

[Dom Cruise]

"I CREATE LIFE! .... and I destroy it."

 

[Madam Nekromantik]

Have the Wachowski's made any successful movie after The Matrix? It seems like every movie I've heard of after the Matrix has flopped.

 

[From The Uncanny Valley]

Have the Wachowski's made any successful movie after The Matrix? It seems like every movie I've heard of after the Matrix has flopped.

Sense8 ran for 2 seasons...

 

[Gordon Cole]

I'm proud to have seen this on its opening weekend.

 

[Raging Capybara]

 

[The Shadow]

Have the Wachowski's made any successful movie after The Matrix? It seems like every movie I've heard of after the Matrix has flopped.

I think V for Vendetta may have been financially successful. Maybe? I don't remember.

 

[Stab You in the Back]

Given that I've recommended Gods of Egypt here, I'm not going to fault someone for liking Jupiter Ascending. I just want to say that, like all Wachowski Bros. films, it is grotesque-looking. The Wachowskis make universally terrible aethestic decisions, creating a universe of ugly, overly ornate ships, buildings and costumes. I hated watching this film because everything about it was so goddamn ugly and off-putting.

As for the film itself, it should have been called Jupiter Descending because Mila Kunis spends 2.5 hours of the film's 4 hour run time falling off shit. I hate how Eddie Redmayne's forced me to constantly adjust the volume of my television. And fuck, people shit on The Phantom Menace for being about a trade dispute, but this film feels like it was written by an estate attorney. All it needed at the end was for some paunchy fifty year old in a cheap suit to walk on screen and tell the audience "All of Mila's troubles could have been avoided if her grandmother had an experienced attorney draft her will. Call me, Charles Rutabaga at 1 (800) New-Will, and I'll write you a will your idiot sons can't dispute!"

Sense8 ran for 2 seasons...

..and was the first original series cancelled by Netflix.

 

[Bongsnake McGee]

Have the Wachowski's made any successful movie after The Matrix? It seems like every movie I've heard of after the Matrix has flopped.

Wasn't Cloud Atlas fairly successful?

Also this was the best w40k movie ever.

 

[*extremely mom voice*]

“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.”

Jupiter Ascending Movie CLIP - I Love Dogs (2015) - Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum Movie HD

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youtu.be

What's that thing they say about white girls?

 

[Foxxo]

Ah yes, the movie where injecting billions of people's DNA (in blue sperm form, I presume) into your body will de-age you by forty years or so.

I liked how they portrayed the lead as "down-to-earth" simply by having her choose not to take her dried-out husk of an inheritance on another planet in favor of continuing to scrub (toilets).

 

[Absolutego]

Wasn't Cloud Atlas fairly successful?

Cloud Atlas fits pretty much every criteria for a cult classic. A weird concept for a film that turned off most audiences but REALLY hit home with the people who bought into it. It's probably my favorite Wachowski movie after the first Matrix film.
But I think its success has more to do with the fact that a non-Wachowski (Tom Tykwer) was around to reign those two in as both writers/directors.

 

[kadoink]

I think V for Vendetta may have been financially successful. Maybe? I don't remember.

They only produced that one. The Wachowskies are pretty much hacks at this point. One hit wonders who blew their load with the first Matrix film and have made nothing but crap or mediocre movies since, and lets be honest, the Matrix couldn't have happened if they didn't borrow from the Ghost in the Shell movie.

I also question whether or not they wrote the first film or not because of how different the other two were in contrast to the first. Not just in tone, but the fact that the quality of the first movies script is heads and tails over the second and third ones.

The characters and especially the dialogue from the second film are stupid and filled with a lot of redundant dialogue and points made by characters. I also remember the first film having Morpheus state the chosen one would return and help train humanity to fight back against the machines, and this concept is either forgotten or abandoned by the writers in the second and 3rd movies to just be "Only Neo can save us because he's the chosen one".

Good storytellers have some idea of where to continue with a story after the end a story arc and the Wachowskies proved that they had no fucking idea what to do after the first film and continue to show they don't know how to tell a good story at all.

Every writer/director in the movie industry has hits and misses, but these troons have only made 7 films and only 2 of them really worked, the Matrix and Bound. They've continued to make garbage for 16 years straight That says a lot about their skills as storytellers and means they're either hiring people to ghost write for them, or are just coming out with plotlines, hiring someone to flesh it out and not bothering to refine it once the script finishes its first or second draft.

Its impossible for someone who knows what their doing to making shit films for a decade straight becuase statistically they should be hitting the ball at least half the time. :/

 

[Gordon Cole]

They only produced that one. The Wachowskies are pretty much hacks at this point. One hit wonders who blew their load with the first Matrix film and have made nothing but crap or mediocre movies since, and lets be honest, the Matrix couldn't have happened if they didn't borrow from the Ghost in the Shell movie.

I also question whether or not they wrote the first film or not because of how different the other two were in contrast to the first. Not just in tone, but the fact that the quality of the first movies script is heads and tails over the second and third ones.

The characters and especially the dialogue from the second film are stupid and filled with a lot of redundant dialogue and points made by characters. I also remember the first film having Morpheus state the chosen one would return and help train humanity to fight back against the machines, and this concept is either forgotten or abandoned by the writers in the second and 3rd movies to just be "Only Neo can save us because he's the chosen one".

Good storytellers have some idea of where to continue with a story after the end a story arc and the Wachowskies proved that they had no fucking idea what to do after the first film and continue to show they don't know how to tell a good story at all.

Every writer/director in the movie industry has hits and misses, but these troons have only made 7 films and only 2 of them really worked, the Matrix and Bound. They've continued to make garbage for 16 years straight That says a lot about their skills as storytellers and means they're either hiring people to ghost write for them, or are just coming out with plotlines, hiring someone to flesh it out and not bothering to refine it once the script finishes its first or second draft.

Its impossible for someone who knows what their doing to making shit films for a decade straight becuase statistically they should be hitting the ball at least half the time. :/

You honestly have to wonder how much of the first one was them and how much of it was thanks to Joel Silver making them tone down the Wachowski-ness.

And I'm pretty sure they did reshoots on V for Vendetta.

 

[Dom Cruise]

I think V for Vendetta may have been financially successful. Maybe? I don't remember.

That was the closest they ever had to bonafide hit after The Matrix, but they only wrote and produced it, they didn't direct.

They only produced that one. The Wachowskies are pretty much hacks at this point. One hit wonders who blew their load with the first Matrix film and have made nothing but crap or mediocre movies since, and lets be honest, the Matrix couldn't have happened if they didn't borrow from the Ghost in the Shell movie.

I also question whether or not they wrote the first film or not because of how different the other two were in contrast to the first. Not just in tone, but the fact that the quality of the first movies script is heads and tails over the second and third ones.

The characters and especially the dialogue from the second film are stupid and filled with a lot of redundant dialogue and points made by characters. I also remember the first film having Morpheus state the chosen one would return and help train humanity to fight back against the machines, and this concept is either forgotten or abandoned by the writers in the second and 3rd movies to just be "Only Neo can save us because he's the chosen one".

Good storytellers have some idea of where to continue with a story after the end a story arc and the Wachowskies proved that they had no fucking idea what to do after the first film and continue to show they don't know how to tell a good story at all.

Every writer/director in the movie industry has hits and misses, but these troons have only made 7 films and only 2 of them really worked, the Matrix and Bound. They've continued to make garbage for 16 years straight That says a lot about their skills as storytellers and means they're either hiring people to ghost write for them, or are just coming out with plotlines, hiring someone to flesh it out and not bothering to refine it once the script finishes its first or second draft.

Its impossible for someone who knows what their doing to making shit films for a decade straight becuase statistically they should be hitting the ball at least half the time. :/

What sank The Matrix sequels was they blew their load and had all of Neo's character arc in the first film, as if they honestly didn't expect it to be successful enough to warrant sequels.

It would be akin to if Luke Skywalker also killed Vader and the Emperor at the end of a New Hope, there wasn't much left for Neo's story to go and consequently the Matrix sequels just felt like wheel spinning until the inevitable conclusion.

 

[Pokemonquistador2]

YMS can be hit or miss sometimes, but he knocks the ball out of the park here:

Also: when did Jupiter become a girl's name? Sure, you want to give your daughter a powerful, pretentious sounding name because you want to combat sexism or whatever, but Jupiter is also the biggest planet. When you think of a girl named Jupiter, you're thinking HAMBEAST more often than not.

 

[BScCollateral]

I've heard a rumor that at a convention, Grant Morrison cut up a copy of his comic The Invisibles and pinned the panels to a wall, forming a storyboard for the later Matrix movie.

No idea if that's true or if it's a trick akin to cutting up a dictionary to form a plot summary for Crime and Punishment, but stealing their one solid hit would explain their astonishing string of failures and indifferently-received films.

 

[Stab You in the Back]

I've heard a rumor that at a convention, Grant Morrison cut up a copy of his comic The Invisibles and pinned the panels to a wall, forming a storyboard for the later Matrix movie.

Wouldn't surprise me in the least, because The Matrix is absolutely the kind of wannabe faggot punk shit Grant Morrison loves to write about. That said, I don't think The Matrix ripped off any particular work because its clearly an amalgam of a hundred different sci-fi stories. Next to Morrison's tryhard punk comic, you might as well hang up the Bible, Terminator 2, Hong Kong cinema, TekWar, and all the hundreds of other properties that 'inspired' The Matrix.

The fucking ego on Morrison, I swear...