Kiwi Farms Turned Me Into a Heavily Muscled Barbarian -
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True berserk
A true berserker is a player character who fights in berserk mode naked. This provides a substantial increase in to-hit and damage on top of the regular Berserk bonus.
Conditions
The slots that need to be free of any items are the headgear slot, the body armor slot, the girdle slot, the cloak slot, the gauntlets slot and the boots slot.
take off your clothes for +6 damage and to-hit to your raping and pillaging
A true berserker is a player character who fights in berserk mode naked. This provides a substantial increase in to-hit and damage on top of the regular Berserk bonus.
Conditions
The slots that need to be free of any items are the headgear slot, the body armor slot, the girdle slot, the cloak slot, the gauntlets slot and the boots slot.
take off your clothes for +6 damage and to-hit to your raping and pillaging
Plus everyone gets to see your foot long dick.
Kiwi Farms also increased the size of my dick to over a foot long.
Fun fact: contrary to popular belief, in Robert E. Howard's original stories, Conan was usually described as being just as heavily armored as everyone else; the difference lay in his Cimmerian strength allowing him to move just as quickly and easily with that encumberment as regular mortal men could move without it. The image of a tawny mass of man-muscle wading hip-deep into battle with nothing but a leather thong and a pair of furry boots was the result of pulp cover artists making pulp covers. Sex sure does sell, don't it.
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Two Handed Claymore" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.
Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a two handed claymore can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:
(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.
Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a two handed claymore can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:
(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
Yeah but it was on the cover of every book so you couldn't help but view him that way.
Katanas are the gayest weapons of all time.
'Course. Plus it's such a dynamic image on its own, small wonder it became such a pop cultural standard.
But at least they are still actually weapons. Unlike scythes. Fuck scythes.
What's your opinion on pole arms? I think they're vastly underrated historically considering the number of battles that were won with these weapons that were quite often repurposed agricultural tools. Halberds in particular were awesome.
Orkeosaurus
kiwifarms.net
take a drink every time you read any variation of the phrase "steely thew" in Conan the Barbarian. You'll be dead.
Conan was a brooding strategist in his later years. It's not his fault a bunch of dummies took up the torch. 
Unfortunately, I'm not actually that learned, so I can't speak for any weapon's historical value. The beef I have with scythes that I don't have with other pole weapons is that they're too awkward to wield effectively. They only have a cutting edge on one side of the blade, and it's the side facing the wielder, leaving only one way to really harm anyone else with it; if you can't contrive a way to force your opponent into just the right position, you're left with what amounts to an overlong, very awkwardly weighted club, and God help you if you should miss. Spears and forks have similar single points of attack, but far greater mobility and speed; halberds and naginatas may also be slow, but their edges are far more easily utilized and versatile.
Strip away all the weeaboo "hanzo steel" romanticization around katanas, and you're still left with a perfectly serviceable sword; strip away the tweenage edgelord "grim reaper" romanticization around scythes, you've got a very specialized farming tool.
tl;dr - yeah pole arms are okay just fuck scythes
Flowers For Sonichu
2nd Team all-confefence in Kick the Autistic
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
Me after kiwi farms
Would you like it even better if Kiwifarms turned you into John Goodman?
Proof of cutting power or gtfo and be called a pussy by a living hot dog
Wherever I go, I must also rape.
That hasn't necessarily been precluded, here...
I thought this forum was for muscle bound barbarians.
Hot
Kiwi farms turned me straight! And my husband too!
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