KiwiFarms Open Recipe Book -

Do you cook much?

  • Never

    Votes: 6 1.3%
  • Rarely

    Votes: 41 8.8%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 130 28.0%
  • Often

    Votes: 247 53.2%
  • ...Do hotpockets count?

    Votes: 40 8.6%

  • Total voters
    464

littlearmalite

Fuck Women's Rights.
kiwifarms.net
Just throwing them in head first always worked for me. Or do you mean using some killing method pre-boiling that doesn't work? Generally used a kettle large enough they can't bang against the sides. I haven't made them in years, though.
Supposedly, if you don't immediately boil them after killing, the meat gets a strong taste of ammonia, or something like that. My granddad taught me that.
 
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AnOminous

Really?
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
Supposedly, if you don't immediately boil them after killing, the meat gets a strong taste of ammonia, or something like that. My granddad taught me that.
I always heard strong ammonia smell meant the meat was spoiled and you actually shouldn't eat it at all.

Anyway just throwing them in alive avoids that entirely. I might consider a mercy kill if I make them again but they're fucking bugs.
 
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Buster O'Keefe

Enjoys offal
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I always heard strong ammonia smell meant the meat was spoiled and you actually shouldn't eat it at all.

Anyway just throwing them in alive avoids that entirely. I might consider a mercy kill if I make them again but they're fucking bugs.
I've cooked a shit load of brown crabs, and the difference in taste of boiled alive as opposed to shiving first with a skewer is zero. I still shiv them in the face and ass though.
 

Crystal Golem

kiwifarms.net
This is so simple but amazing and perfect for topping with cheese or dipping.

Olive Oil Crackers
-3 cups flour(you can use different types of flour to your taste you might just have to tweak the recipe a bit I just use white cause im fat)
-1/3 cup olive oil
-1 cup water
-1 teaspoon of salt
Optional: seasame seeds, oregano, basil, rosemary, cracked pepper, whatever else you like on a cracker

Mix dry ingredients well then whisk together the oil and water and combined with the dry stuff. Kneed for 5 minutes then roll out the dough into a thin sheet and bake at 450 until golden brown. Some people suggest cutting the crackers out individually/poking holes in them but I just snap pieces off the big sheet. The beauty of this recipe to me is how simple and quick it comes together.
 

Homoerotic Cougar-kun

Kill the meat, save the metal
kiwifarms.net
The Best Fucking Pot-au-Feu Ever

1 relatively inexpensive cut of beef (I used chuck roast)
2 cans of decent beer
Carrots
Potatoes
Onions (and/or leeks)
Garlic
Sea Salt and Black Pepper
A bit of water

Put about 1/2 cup of water in a crockpot. Take chuck roast, crack some salt and pepper all over it, rub it in a bit. Toss it in. Cut up the veggies relatively large. Toss them in. Chop the garlic, and yes, put that in too. Drink a beer. Pour the other one into the crockpot. (I used an amber ale for this, you could probably use most beers here.) Turn on low, let stew for ~10 hours while you're at work. Come home, eat fucking good pot-au-feu.
 

instythot

kiwifarms.net
Let's say you just bought yourself a sous vide circulator and just realized that it's perfect for recipes that traditionally include a "don't let it get too hot or you'll ruin it" caveat. What is the first thing you do? Head on over to chefsteps or seriouseats for some instructions on a hollandaise sauce.

Here is where you encounter a serious failing in these normally excellent websites:


Why the fuck am I measuring egg yolks in grams or ounces (or liquid ingredients in general for that matter), and who the fuck thinks I'm going to be having more than the person I'm living with over for breakfast?

So, some adjustments, rescaling and trying out different recipes and methods brings us Sous Vide Hollandaise Sauce for Two

Time required: 1 hour (10 minutes or less of active work)

Ingredients you will need:

2/3 cup of cold butter
2 egg yolks
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
1 small shallot
1 sprig thyme
1/2 lemon

Non standard equipment you will need:

a sous vide circulator
an immersion blender
a jar with a mouth wide enough for the immersion blender

1. Get your sous vide going at 147. Use the time you are waiting for it to get up to temperature to prepare everything else for the bath
2. Finely dice the shallot. You should end up with no more than a tablespoon if you've selected a small enough shallot. Add the shallot, the thyme sprig and the vinegar to a small saucepan. Reduce the vinegar by half (this shouldn't take very long). Strain the reduced infused vinegar into the jar
3. Drop the butter and egg yolks into the jar
4. Squeeze the juice of a half lemon into the jar, removing any seeds that accidentally fall in
5. When the water is at temperature, seal the jar (not overly tight, just enough to be secure. The same tightness you'd use when storing the jar in the refrigerator), drop the jar in the bath. Wait an hour. It'll float. That's fine
6. After an hour, remove the jar. It looks gross, don't worry. Blend it. Apply the sauce to whatever needs to be hollandaised

After trying several methods and recipes, I settled on this amalgamation of several sets of instructions. You don't have to fuck around with vacuum sealing a bunch of liquid and the proportions give you a nice creamy, thick and tart hollandaise. You can adjust things up or down a bit if you want a more mild sauce and you can probably skip the shallot and thyme if you don't feel like doing that step... but it's really just a few minutes and you've already got some time to kill until the water gets to temperature.

What I learned on my hollandaise journey:

If you see a hollandaise recipe that includes mustard powder, you can safely disregard it
An egg poached at 147 for an hour has a yolk with a very custardy consistency, perfect for a benedict or marinated for a ramen egg
The most important piece of advice in the "can't fuck it up eggs benedict" recipe is the "make a ham nest" step. Eggs poached in a sous vide are little gooey balls and will not stay where you put them if they are on a flat surface
 

Buster O'Keefe

Enjoys offal
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Let's say you just bought yourself a sous vide circulator and just realized that it's perfect for recipes that traditionally include a "don't let it get too hot or you'll ruin it" caveat. What is the first thing you do? Head on over to chefsteps or seriouseats for some instructions on a hollandaise sauce.

Here is where you encounter a serious failing in these normally excellent websites:


Why the fuck am I measuring egg yolks in grams or ounces (or liquid ingredients in general for that matter), and who the fuck thinks I'm going to be having more than the person I'm living with over for breakfast?

So, some adjustments, rescaling and trying out different recipes and methods brings us Sous Vide Hollandaise Sauce for Two

Time required: 1 hour (10 minutes or less of active work)

Ingredients you will need:

2/3 cup of cold butter
2 egg yolks
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
1 small shallot
1 sprig thyme
1/2 lemon

Non standard equipment you will need:

a sous vide circulator
an immersion blender
a jar with a mouth wide enough for the immersion blender

1. Get your sous vide going at 147. Use the time you are waiting for it to get up to temperature to prepare everything else for the bath
2. Finely dice the shallot. You should end up with no more than a tablespoon if you've selected a small enough shallot. Add the shallot, the thyme sprig and the vinegar to a small saucepan. Reduce the vinegar by half (this shouldn't take very long). Strain the reduced infused vinegar into the jar
3. Drop the butter and egg yolks into the jar
4. Squeeze the juice of a half lemon into the jar, removing any seeds that accidentally fall in
5. When the water is at temperature, seal the jar (not overly tight, just enough to be secure. The same tightness you'd use when storing the jar in the refrigerator), drop the jar in the bath. Wait an hour. It'll float. That's fine
6. After an hour, remove the jar. It looks gross, don't worry. Blend it. Apply the sauce to whatever needs to be hollandaised

After trying several methods and recipes, I settled on this amalgamation of several sets of instructions. You don't have to fuck around with vacuum sealing a bunch of liquid and the proportions give you a nice creamy, thick and tart hollandaise. You can adjust things up or down a bit if you want a more mild sauce and you can probably skip the shallot and thyme if you don't feel like doing that step... but it's really just a few minutes and you've already got some time to kill until the water gets to temperature.

What I learned on my hollandaise journey:

If you see a hollandaise recipe that includes mustard powder, you can safely disregard it
An egg poached at 147 for an hour has a yolk with a very custardy consistency, perfect for a benedict or marinated for a ramen egg
The most important piece of advice in the "can't fuck it up eggs benedict" recipe is the "make a ham nest" step. Eggs poached in a sous vide are little gooey balls and will not stay where you put them if they are on a flat surface
Whut?
 

Crystal Golem

kiwifarms.net
Haluska With Grilled Kielbasa

-Cabbage
-Carrots
-Onion
-Garlic
-Kielbasa Sausage
-Egg Noodles
-Sour Cream
-Salt
-Pepper
-Paprika

Chop cabbage into thin strips and slice carrots. Mince onions and garlic. Cut kielbasa into thin pieces on a bias. Saute onions and garlic then add the cabbage and carrots season with salt, pepper, paprika. Grill kielbasa until you get some nice grill marks then add to the veggie mixture. Boil egg noodles then serve kielbasa/ veg mix on top with a dollop of sour cream and lots of salt and pepper.
 

MetalDeathFish

kiwifarms.net
With all this fine food being posted your going to want something to wash it down. Mead - one of the oldest and best alcoholic drinks man has made.

1 gallon of Metal's mead-
1 gallon of water (do not use tap water or distilled water.)
120 oz of honey
1.5 lbs of fruit or a bottle of maple syrup (real maple syrup only! Mrs.Butterworth's doesn't count.)
half packet of D-25 yeast (18% 36 proof..potent stuff for a wine. follow the pitching instructions.)
1 snack packet of raisins (keeps the yeast going.)
a bowl big enough to hold that 1 gallon of water, another bowl to mash your fruit.If you have a juicer even better.
balloons with slits cut in them(lets gas out,limits gas coming back in.)
a funnel (+10 accuracy and -10 minimum pouring distance)
a handheld strainer like for use in a wok
permanent coffee or paper coffee filters (catches the raisins and smaller bits of skin the wok strainer missed)

Empty out that water into your big bowl. Pour honey into empty jug. Mash your fruit up (if making mead with small seeds like blackberry or blueberry do not use a blender! seeds get ground up and it takes longer for it to settle out) or pour in maple syrup. Add in your pitched yeast,followed by the raisins. Fill with water until you have about 3 inches of room (funnel helps with not losing water or your fruit paste) and apply the balloon. Set off into a cool,dark corner. After about 3-4 days pour the mead into a big bowl and use that wok strainer to muck out the fruit( its given all it has to give. Don't want mold growing in that mead.) Pour it back into the jug,reapply said balloon and let it go for the next 26-27 days. 30 days later you have mead. Filter it off and pour into bottles or mason jars - if you let those sit in a cool dark corner it will age. Bottle it with about 3-5 days left to ferment and put it in the fridge and you get sparkling mead - its now carbonated.

Flavors i've brewed-
Maple - sooo good! it didn't last very long at all..a must try.
Apple - used a honeycrisp/Fuji apple hybrid. light apple flavor and quite refreshing.
Raspberry - strong! kept the ruby red color and alot of the flavor just came out more than 18%...around 22%
Blackberry - an accidental discovery was made - pulled with 4-5 days left and set in fridge to finish- went fizzy! carbonated mead.
Strawberry - needs to have more added at the end,reverted to honey color and kept some strawberry flavor.
Blueberry- Tart and sweet! took a sample to work..most people are clamoring for this one.
 

Homoerotic Cougar-kun

Kill the meat, save the metal
kiwifarms.net
Haluska With Grilled Kielbasa

-Cabbage
-Carrots
-Onion
-Garlic
-Kielbasa Sausage
-Egg Noodles
-Sour Cream
-Salt
-Pepper
-Paprika

Chop cabbage into thin strips and slice carrots. Mince onions and garlic. Cut kielbasa into thin pieces on a bias. Saute onions and garlic then add the cabbage and carrots season with salt, pepper, paprika. Grill kielbasa until you get some nice grill marks then add to the veggie mixture. Boil egg noodles then serve kielbasa/ veg mix on top with a dollop of sour cream and lots of salt and pepper.
Can tell it's Eastern European/Russkie because of the sour cream alone.
 
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Homoerotic Cougar-kun

Kill the meat, save the metal
kiwifarms.net
Interesting, most I know about Hungarian cuisine is their love of paprika and goulash being fucking good. Didn't know they liked sour cream too. Sour cream is supposedly really prevalent in a number of Russian dishes and some others from the area. There was this one dish I remember having that was like a hearty salad almost with sour cream as a base for the "dressing" but I seriously don't remember what it was called.

(Paprika is god-tier spice.)
 

LtCucumber

Girls, Girls, Girls
kiwifarms.net
Well, it's nearly All Hallows' Eve, and what better time to resurrect a thread that's been dead for a month with a vegetarian friendly, cheesy sloppy joe recipe that I modified and threw together while high as a kite. I'm surprised I remember any of what I put in there, considering my method of cooking is "throw everything but the kitchen sink in, taste the abomination i've created, and then throw the kitchen sink in there too".
You can use regular ground beef if you want, but I wouldn't know if it tastes like shit or not so I can't say I recommend it. Use normal food at your own risk.

LtCucumber's Stoner Mystery "Meat" w/ cheese:
Makes 3 sandwiches

You will need:
  • 3 burger buns.
  • Half an onion, diced.
  • A clove of garlic, chopped finely.
  • 300g Quorn mince (or other meat free "ground beef" you like)
  • 1/2 teaspoon of mixed herbs.
  • Ketchup - how much you want is up to you. I didn't measure because I was too fucked to care and judged my food on taste.
  • 3 teaspoons of brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of English Mustard. You can use Dijon but i only had english mustard.
  • Sriracha (once again, just judge by taste. I ain't judging you)
  • 300ml of boiling water.
  • 6 cheese singles - 3 for the pot, 3 for the buns. I used these Aldi "light" cheese singles (branded as being for kids). They worked pretty good.
  • Cayenne Pepper
  • Salt
  • Black Pepper
  • A sprinkle of Tabasco (or franks redhot, cholula, whatever other hot sauce you have lying around that isn't sriracha)

Step one: Dice half an onion. Place the onion and Quorn mince into the pot with oil and cook for 5 minutes, while stirring. If the mince was frozen in a pack like mine usually is, break up the icy pieces in the pot so it cooks evenly. You may also need to add more oil sometimes, but that's normal. Be sure to break up the quorn mince with a fork as well so it's more crumbly.

Step two: Add the garlic and mixed herbs to the pot, and stir it in. Once stirred in, add about 250-300ml of the boiling water. Be sure to stir it all so the mince doesn't stick to the bottom of the pot and burn. Cook this for about 5 minutes.

Step three: Stir in the brown sugar, mustard, ketchup, cayenne pepper, sriracha, salt and pepper, be sure to taste as you go. You may want less sugar or more sriracha and ketchup, so it's best to judge by taste. Turn down the heat and leave the mixture to thicken. This will take 20-30 minutes, depending on how thick you want it. Be sure to keep checking it every 5 minutes or so and stirring it so it doesn't burn.

Step four: When your creation is thicker, preheat the grill (or oven), and grab 3 of the 6 cheese singles. Tear them into quarters, and put them into the pot, give them a few seconds to melt, and then stir the cheese in. Cook your creation, while stirring, for a further 5-10 minutes (depending on how thicc you want it to be).

Step five: Take your food off the heat, and grab an oven tray and your burger buns. Half them, and put them on the oven tray. Place in the grill (or oven) for 2 minutes. After 2 minutes, take them out of the grill/oven, and put the remaining 3 cheese singles on one half of each bun, and put in the grill/oven for another 2 minutes, or until the cheese has melted slightly.

Step six: Put the buns on a plate, be careful not to burn yourselves now (like I did). Get a spoon and place an even amount of the contents of the pot onto the buns. Put the halves with the melted cheese on top of your sandwich, and bob's your uncle. You can also use the other half of the onion, and maybe some other salad and tomatoes for garnish/topping, but I opted not to because I was too stoned and hungry to hold off eating any more just to cut up some fucking vegetables.

You could pair this with fries too, but I really couldn't be arsed to cook frozen fries in the oven while busy cooking on the stove. Enjoy.
 
Last edited:

instythot

kiwifarms.net
Pork Cutlets

You will need:

A pound or two of cheap leaner pork. You're going to tenderize it, so it doesn't matter if it's tough
All purpose flour
Eggs as necessary
Breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper to taste
Canola oil
Paper towels
A wire rack

Take the meat, slice into chops if necessary, use your tenderizing mallet to make each piece around 1/4 inch thick. Salt and pepper to taste. Make several small cuts around the edge of each tenderized piece, this will keep the meat from curling around the edges

Dredge each piece in flour, then beaten eggs, then breadcrumbs. You can use western breadcrumbs or panko. The only difference is that the crusts are removed from panko before making crumbs

Shallow fry each side for 3 - 4 min over medium low or until golden brown or deep fry at 350 ish for 3 min, twice with at least 3 min between each frying. Remove completed cutlets to a rack over paper towel for at least 4 min before eating after cooking with either method

At this point, Pick an Axis power. If you went with Germany, you should make a demiglace with mushrooms and serve with potatoes or spaetzle and red cabbage and announce the dish as schnitzel. If you chose Japan, slice the cutlet into strips, serve with rice, Napa cabbage and top with tonkatsu sauce (a1 is close enough if you can't find it) and present your guests with a tonkatsu platter. If you chose Italy, choose a better Axis power
 

AnOminous

Really?
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
To do this murrica style, sub out the breadcrumbs for crushed saltines. And pork tenderloins are best for this. Similarly, beat the hell out of them. Cut them to approximately sandwich size, although they should be well oversized for the bread.

Then take two cups buttermilk, two eggs, a teaspoon each salt and black pepper, and two cloves of crushed garlic. Add 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper or to taste if you want spice, but this is murrica style so if you don't that's okay too.

Leave them in the refrigerator overnight.

Heat up grease in the deep fryer, or about a half inch deep in a skillet.

First dredge the tenderloins in Wondra flour, or some other instant flour, dip back in the buttermilk mixture, and finish in the saltine crumbs.

Deep fry to a golden brown.

Serve on toast over lettuce and tomatoes and onions, with pickles and mayonnaise (or Miracle Whip) and mustard. Omit whatever you don't want.

Enjoy some murrica.
 

Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.

Original Prick
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
It's getting cold, Kiwis, and I've been tweaking Chef Issac Toups Gumbo recipe.
Now, the man himself will tell you that no true Cajun will ever mix seafood and land meat in a gumbo, and i respect his position on the matter. That said, I'm not Cajun, and the extra unctuousness that the shrimp heads and tails add to the end product here is not something to ignore. I'd recommend picking the shrimp out afterwards, peeling, and either tossing back in or serving on the side as a little extra treat.

Ingredients:

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs (Go for too much over too little. It is impossible to have too much meat in a gumbo, but you will resent too little)
kosher salt, to taste
3/4 lbs head-on raw large shrimp or prawns (we're gonna let these sit in there and flavor the broth, but feel free to take them out after, peel them, and toss them back in if you want to eat them with the gumbo!)
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste (A fucking lot more. Again, err on the side of a lot over a little)
1/2 cup grapeseed oil, plus 1 tablespoon (you do need to get this. I know, pain in the ass, but it's got a neutral flavor and an insanely high smoke point that'll prevent any nasty burnt oil flavors from seeping into the fuck-me-in-the-ass hot roux you're about to make)
6 garlic cloves, minced (This is the bare minimum, and it's for pussies. Get your ass 8-12 cloves in here, trust me)
2 ribs celery, diced (I use more like 3, they don't taste like much, and they'll beef up the stock)
1 jalapeño, seeded and minced
1 small green bell pepper, diced
1 small yellow onion, diced (I go for a fairly large one, but I like onions)
8 ounces amber-style beer (Don't get fancy. What we want here is a simple, clean, amber beer with some nice malt notes. Go for something in the Mexican or Amber Bock range if you don't know what you're doing.)
4 cups chicken stock (We want pretty high quality stock here. Spend the money for the nice organic shit, and don't let me catch you using water and a bouillon cube. For reference, the carton at the store is gonna be 4 cups, on average)
1 teaspoon fresh thyme, chopped
4 bay leaves
1 pound andouille sausage, cut into coins (Again, it's hard to over-meat your gumbo, do not stress on being a quarter pound heavy)
cayenne pepper, to taste
cooked white rice, for serving
sliced scallions, for serving


1. Season the chicken liberally with salt and black pepper, and toss in a medium-high pan with about tablespoon of grapeseed oil. Sear until you've got some nice golden color and crust on there, then set aside.

2. Heat a thick bottomed 4-quart Dutch oven over medium. Add the 1/2 cup grapeseed oil and 1/2 cup flour and, using a whisk, stir constantly, taking care not to allow any to splash and burn you, until the roux has turned dark brown (the color of a bar of Hershey's chocolate is about right), about 25 minutes.
>IMPORTANT- Read This First:
This is what's going to make or kill your gumbo. A dark roux takes time and patience, and if you leave to take a piss or grab something or charge your phone or whatever for 20 seconds, you will burn the shit out of it, so here's what you're gonna do:
-Take a piss before you start this step.
-Have your veggies already chopped and waiting in a bowl nearby.
-Have your beer to deglaze nearby.
-Have your chicken stock open and nearby.
-Have your beer to drink while you cook nearby.
-Have any fucking thing you need for the next half hour within arms reach of you.

Now professional chefs can make a dark roux in 8 minutes, but you're a worthless sack of assholes who browses on here, so you are gonna take this on medium, whisking constantly for 20-30 minutes, and hitting the next step as soon as it turns the color of chocolate. Too soon, you'll get a chalky flavor. Too late, you'll burn it and have to start over. Do this right and the whole rest of the recipe is literally impossible to fail.

3. Got your dark roux? Grats. Now quickly add the garlic, celery, jalapeño, bell pepper, and onion and cook for one minute, that shit is gonna cook fast as hell because the roux is hot as the devil's asshole, so do not go past one min. Add the beer to deglaze, then add the stock, thyme, bay leaves, and black pepper.
Now stir slowly and continuously after you add the stock, until the gumbo is back to a simmer, then add the chicken thighs and the sausage. Bring to a bare simmer and cover. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 hours, adding your shrimp 1 hour before it finishes. Gumbo should be thick but not like gravy. Season with cayenne and serve with cooked rice. Top with scallions and enjoy!

Few notes:
-Do not splash or spill the roux. This shit is referred to by chefs as "Cajun napalm" for a reason. It's hot as fuck, it will stick to your skin, and it will burn the holy Christ right out of you. This is why you need a whisk. Whisk vigorously, but never carelessly. Consider this your warning.

-Don't taste it right after you add the stock, it'll taste like shit. It's gonna take at least 3 hours (And the oldschool people will insist it needs more like 12) to cook off that roux and get everyone all nice and friendly. It's gonna smell weird and look odd at first, especially when you add the veggies to the roux, and you're gonna think you fucked it all up somehow. This is the food gods testing your faith, and they hate a coward. Cook that shit low and slow, have faith, and you'll be rewarded with the best shit you've ever had.

-Literally any protein can be thrown into a gumbo. "Anything that crawls, walks, flies or swims" is the old Cajun expression. Andouille, chorizo, kielbasa, pork, chicken, turkey, short ribs, hamhock, crawfish, frog legs, literally whatever you want. What I've given you above is "For best results your first time" but do not be afraid to get a little nasty with it after you got a sense of things. Experiment!

-Spices will also be a nice touch over a cooking time this long. I prefer a few pinches of smoked paprika, 8 hard dashes of tabasco, and a small pinch of brown sugar (just a little!) to the pot to add a little smoke and heat to the mix. Again, this is a very forgiving dish, and rewards the adventurous if done right.

-Gumbo, done right, can take over six hours, all prep and cooking time combined. This is not a weeknight dish. Take the day, get up, get all your ingredients prepped, and be ready to really take your time on something. It'll impress you how amazing the finished product is.

1572506655426.png


Bon appetit!
 
Last edited:

instythot

kiwifarms.net
It's getting cold, Kiwis, and I've been tweaking Chef Issac Toups Gumbo recipe.
Now, the man himself will tell you that no true Cajun will ever mix seafood and land meat in a gumbo, and i respect his position on the matter. That said, I'm not Cajun, and the extra unctuousness that the shrimp heads and tails add to the end product here is not something to ignore. I'd recommend picking the shrimp out afterwards, peeling, and either tossing back in or serving on the side as a little extra treat.

Ingredients:

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs (Go for too much over too little. It is impossible to have too much meat in a gumbo, but you will resent too little)
kosher salt, to taste
3/4 lbs head-on raw large shrimp or prawns (we're gonna let these sit in there and flavor the broth, but feel free to take them out after, peel them, and toss them back in if you want to eat them with the gumbo!)
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste (A fucking lot more. Again, err on the side of a lot over a little)
1/2 cup grapeseed oil, plus 1 tablespoon (you do need to get this. I know, pain in the ass, but it's got a neutral flavor and an insanely high smoke point that'll prevent any nasty burnt oil flavors from seeping into the fuck-me-in-the-ass hot roux you're about to make)
6 garlic cloves, minced (This is the bare minimum, and it's for pussies. Get your ass 8-12 cloves in here, trust me)
2 ribs celery, diced (I use more like 3, they don't taste like much, and they'll beef up the stock)
1 jalapeño, seeded and minced
1 small green bell pepper, diced
1 small yellow onion, diced (I go for a fairly large one, but I like onions)
8 ounces amber-style beer (Don't get fancy. What we want here is a simple, clean, amber beer with some nice malt notes. Go for something in the Mexican or Amber Bock range if you don't know what you're doing.)
4 cups chicken stock (We want pretty high quality stock here. Spend the money for the nice organic shit, and don't let me catch you using water and a bouillon cube. For reference, the carton at the store is gonna be 4 cups, on average)
1 teaspoon fresh thyme, chopped
4 bay leaves
1 pound andouille sausage, cut into coins (Again, it's hard to over-meat your gumbo, do not stress on being a quarter pound heavy)
cayenne pepper, to taste
cooked white rice, for serving
sliced scallions, for serving


1. Season the chicken liberally with salt and black pepper, and toss in a medium-high pan with about tablespoon of grapeseed oil. Sear until you've got some nice golden color and crust on there, then set aside.

2. Heat a thick bottomed 4-quart Dutch oven over medium. Add the 1/2 cup grapeseed oil and 1/2 cup flour and, using a whisk, stir constantly, taking care not to allow any to splash and burn you, until the roux has turned dark brown (the color of a bar of Hershey's chocolate is about right), about 25 minutes.
>IMPORTANT- Read This First:
This is what's going to make or kill your gumbo. A dark roux takes time and patience, and if you leave to take a piss or grab something or charge your phone or whatever for 20 seconds, you will burn the shit out of it, so here's what you're gonna do:
-Take a piss before you start this step.
-Have your veggies already chopped and waiting in a bowl nearby.
-Have your beer to deglaze nearby.
-Have your chicken stock open and nearby.
-Have your beer to drink while you cook nearby.
-Have any fucking thing you need for the next half hour within arms reach of you.

Now professional chefs can make a dark roux in 8 minutes, but you're a worthless sack of assholes who browses on here, so you are gonna take this on medium, whisking constantly for 20-30 minutes, and hitting the next step as soon as it turns the color of chocolate. Too soon, you'll get a chalky flavor. Too late, you'll burn it and have to start over. Do this right and the whole rest of the recipe is literally impossible to fail.

3. Got your dark roux? Grats. Now quickly add the garlic, celery, jalapeño, bell pepper, and onion and cook for one minute, that shit is gonna cook fast as hell because the roux is hot as the devil's asshole, so do not go past one min. Add the beer to deglaze, then add the stock, thyme, bay leaves, and black pepper.
Now stir slowly and continuously after you add the stock, until the gumbo is back to a simmer, then add the chicken thighs and the sausage. Bring to a bare simmer and cover. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 hours, adding your shrimp 1 hour before it finishes. Gumbo should be thick but not like gravy. Season with cayenne and serve with cooked rice. Top with scallions and enjoy!

Few notes:
-Do not splash or spill the roux. This shit is referred to by chefs as "Cajun napalm" for a reason. It's hot as fuck, it will stick to your skin, and it will burn the holy Christ right out of you. This is why you need a whisk. Whisk vigorously, but never carelessly. Consider this your warning.

-Don't taste it right after you add the stock, it'll taste like shit. It's gonna take at least 3 hours (And the oldschool people will insist it needs more like 12) to cook off that roux and get everyone all nice and friendly. It's gonna smell weird and look odd at first, especially when you add the veggies to the roux, and you're gonna think you fucked it all up somehow. This is the food gods testing your faith, and they hate a coward. Cook that shit low and slow, have faith, and you'll be rewarded with the best shit you've ever had.

-Literally any protein can be thrown into a gumbo. "Anything that crawls, walks, flies or swims" is the old Cajun expression. Andouille, chorizo, kielbasa, pork, chicken, turkey, short ribs, hamhock, crawfish, frog legs, literally whatever you want. What I've given you above is "For best results your first time" but do not be afraid to get a little nasty with it after you got a sense of things. Experiment!

-Spices will also be a nice touch over a cooking time this long. I prefer a few pinches of smoked paprika, 8 hard dashes of tabasco, and a small pinch of brown sugar (just a little!) to the pot to add a little smoke and heat to the mix. Again, this is a very forgiving dish, and rewards the adventurous if done right.

-Gumbo, done right, can take over six hours, all prep and cooking time combined. This is not a weeknight dish. Take the day, get up, get all your ingredients prepped, and be ready to really take your time on something. It'll impress you how amazing the finished product is.

View attachment 991817

Bon appetit!
I would add one point:

If you are already going to commit to a several hour minimum dish, consider making your own chicken broth from the bones and carcasses you've been saving in the freezer every time you make a chicken, turkey or duck. You've been saving them, right?
 

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I had to come up with this recipe because my mother in law has some very unusual allergies and it had been years since she was able to enjoy a regular pizza or any kind of pasta sauce that wasn't cheese-based. To be completely honest I ripped this recipe from somewhere else online, but I had to modify it enough that I consider it my own at this point. It's not easy to find a way to substitute tomatoes.

Roasted Red Pepper Pasta Sauce:

⦁ 3 Tbsp olive oil
⦁1 onion, chopped
⦁ Salt
⦁ 4 garlic cloves, chopped
⦁ 1 Tbsp fresh sage, chopped
⦁ 2 Tbsp Chickpea Paste
⦁ 2 Tsp Lemon Juice
⦁ 1 1/2 Cups Beef Broth
⦁ 6-8 roasted red peppers
⦁ 1/4 teaspoon cayenne (if you want it hot) or 1/2 teaspoon paprika (if you want it more sweet)
⦁ Grated cheese
⦁ Some minced fresh sage for garnish


1 Premake the roasted red peppers (preheat oven to 450-500 degrees, cook from 7-10 minutes or as long as necessary for skin to begin turning black. Once out of oven put peppers into a plastic bag and into the fridge. After about 10-15 minutes take the peppers out and remove the skins. This should be easy now as the skins are mostly steamed off from the time spent in the bag.

2 Heat the olive oil in a pot over medium-high heat. Add the chopped onion and sauté, stirring from time to time, until it is wilted and translucent, about 3 minutes. Sprinkle some salt over the onions as they cook.

3 Add the garlic and sage, mix well, and sauté another minute. Stir in the chickpea paste and lemon juice and cook for 2-3 minutes, stirring often.

4 Add the red wine/beef broth and stir well. Turn the heat up to high and let this boil down by half. Stir in the roasted red peppers and turn the heat back down to medium. Let this simmer for 10-20 minutes . This is to make sure the peppers are soft and fully cooked through.

5 Purée the sauce in a blender or food processor. You might need to do this in batches, because you don’t want to fill your blender more than 2/3 up at one time. Purée the sauce, starting with the machine on low for 1-2 minutes to break up the big pieces. Turn off the blender and scrape the sides down. Turn it on again, and starting at the low setting, bring it up to its highest setting. Purée for at least a minute, until smooth.

6 Return the sauce to the pan and heat to medium-low. Taste for salt and add some if needed. Add the cayenne or paprika. If necessary, add a teaspoon of sugar if your peppers are not sweet enough.