Landover Baptist Church - An example of poes law gone horribly wrong..

[Ilovecum]

So a few months ago I stumbled across this forum for a church called Landover Baptist Church.

It's not your typical religious nutsos nope some of things they say are pretty fucking exceptional...

Here's a snippet

Spoiler: Fgm is next to godliness"As we all know it is not God's will for a Christian woman to ever experience orgasm. ([URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/2%20Tim%202.22']2nd Timothy 2:22[/URL]) It is also not God's plan for her to molest herself or to have intercourse before marriage ([URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/1%20Cor%206.18']1 Corinthians 6:18[/URL]) and I think I may have found the answer. Far more permanent than a chastity belt! To avoid some of the more course language used in reference to female genetalia I will link to the most unbiased source I could find, but will summarize the answer below. [B][URL]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infibulation[/URL][/B] To summarize without the specifics, It is a way to not only ensure a Godly woman will never experience an unwanted orgasm, but also a way to make certain our daughters stay virginal. In fact, it can be checked from the outside, as her husband will have to cut her open after marriage! Many countries consider this practice barbaric but I believe it is just their way of spitting in the face of our Lord! Original link https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=111866 [/SPOILER] [SPOILER="Buttplugs prevent rape"[B]Praise Jesus! [/B] It came recently to my attention that there is a product called a [B]"butt-plug"[/B] that is apparently used to [B]avoid any contamination of the anal cavity [/B]by demonic entities. This is a [I]wonderful[/I] invention, because we all know that the principal obstacle to [B]Salvation [/B]during these sad times is [B]homosexual gay sex[/B], the unnatural fornication among same-sex males. [B][URL='https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/1-Timothy-1-10/']1 Timothy 1:10[/URL] For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine; [/B] [B]Jesus [/B]is Gracious and Merciful ([URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/Jonah%204.2']Jonah 4:2[/URL]). He has many [B][URL='http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=101748&highlight=anal+warts+precious+gift']anatomical inventions[/URL][/B] to prevent the violation of the rectum with the male organ but for the lust-filled generation Y this is not enough. They still wish to experiment with fornication and[B] male-to-male copulation[/B]. More drastic measured had to be taken, so [B]Jesus[/B] endorsed the design of a[I] physical barrier[/I], not unlike the Wall that will soon arise between the Godly US of A and the Papist Swarm. [B]The Baby Jesus Butt Plug[/B]: Probably the most [I]practical [/I]way to prevent penile entry. [IMG]http://www.brendanmcgetrick.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/jesus-plug1.jpg[/IMG] Imagine the [I]horrors [/I][B]Sweet Jesus[/B] must be experiencing! His feet feel the constant [B]pounding of the penis[/B] trying to break through the Wall while His head in buried in the deepest and most revolting recesses of the cesspit that is the [B]gay man's bowel[/B]. But there can be [B]no stronger guard [/B]against this the secondmost destructive of all sins. Again, [B]Jesus [/B]comes to the rescue when the aspiring gay youth has a moment a weakness, just as He promised. [B][URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/1%20Cor%2010.13']1 Corinthians 10:13[/URL] There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God [I]is[/I] faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [I]it[/I].[/B] [B]Jesus will help[/B] with this nice product so that you, any sinners who may be reading this, can bear the temptation. [B]Glory![/B] [B]Jesus [/B]can keep you from evil! [B] [URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/2%20Thess%203.3']2 Thessalonians 3:3[/URL] But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep [I]you[/I] from evil.[/B] [IMG]https://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/yahoo.gif[/IMG] Of course, no[B] True Christian™[/B] will ever need this but the sinners must be introduced to this device, the[B] Baby Jesus Butt Plug[/B], to help them during the difficult time of [B]Insecurity and Doubt[/B]. No demons nor tallywhackers dare enter when [B]Jesus [/B]is guarding the [B]Strawberry Gates[/B]. In addition, I have discovered that [B]Jesus [/B]is not alone. He has recruited quite a few of His Bestest Friends to participate in this Godliest Endeavor of All Times.[B] Mr. Putin[/B] has been recruited and he will protect the emerging Christians during the time when [B]Jesus [/B]is firmly established in the bowels of a man but [I]some temptations[/I] still linger. [IMG]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B6Zncb2CEAA8ZsJ.jpg[/IMG] Let us thank[B] Mr. Putin[/B] for His Good Work. Of course, our own Sweet [B]President Donald Trump [/B]did [I]not [/I]hesitate to answer [B]God's Call[/B] for some Anal Action! [IMG]https://img1.etsystatic.com/136/0/7578169/il_340x270.1004388631_isyn.jpg[/IMG] Thius will give the sinner a nice continuum of[B] Godly Butt Plugs [/B]to choose from until the day when He becomes sin-free and can reside forever in Christ! These [B]technological marves[/B] can easily be carried on your person during our street preaching events and distributed to Catholics, Evolutionary proponents, and high school kids. They will find that the [B]Real Pleasure™[/B] is in [B]Christ[/B]! [IMG]https://s26.postimg.org/b7w9ccii1/il_570x_N.1047779064_9ole.jpg[/IMG] [B][URL='https://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/Isa%2041.10']Isaiah 41:10[/URL] Fear thou not; for I [I]am[/I] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [I]am[/I] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.[/B] Yours in Christ, Elmer [IMG]https://www.landoverbaptist.net/images/smilies/bye.gif[/IMG] Original link www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=113266 [/SPOILER] [SPOILER="True and HONEST christian husband

Hello all,

My name is Victoria, I am 20 and in dire need of a True Christian™ Husband to honor and serve in order to fulfill my purpose in this Earthly life. My last husband, an honorable older man named Edward, sadly passed away when we had only been married for two months, and due to some agerelated ailments this marriage had not been consummated, hence I am still pure!

My hobbies are cooking, baking and cleaning. I take a lot of pride in keeping my Father's house spic and span, please see my Clean Kitchen award for reference. I make a mean apple crumb pie but also love making cheese cake and strawberry cream pies. Furthermore, I spend A LOT on my knees, as the Lord intended me to. Spirituality is such a blessing, I really feel utterly satisfied after a good session. What would we do without Prayer?

I am deeply saddened that I have not yet been able to pop out a few soldiers for Christ and am more than willing to make up for it in a very timely manner. I know my place and take excellent direction.

If interested, my Father is up for a hunting trip with any suitable True Christian™ gentleman
Original text
https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=34129

There's more but I'll update later.. As I need archive a ton of shit.

Edit: I did multiple spoilers... But only one is popping up.

 

[ICametoLurk]

 

[Coleman Francis]

This is fascinating stuff!

 

[Desire Lines]

ahem

 

[GS 281]

Funny, but a parody site.

 

[Crunchy Leaf]

I like how they have pages that reference George Bush being the current president.

 

[Kiwi Jeff]

Absolutely terrifying

 

[Ilovecum]

Funny, but a parody site.

Oh well aleast I can post snippets that I see so we can all lol... I'm sorry for the terrible formatting..

 

[GS 281]

Oh well aleast I can post snippets that I see so we can all lol... I'm sorry for the terrible formatting..

You’re fine. They’re funny. They have speeches at atheist meetings

 

[PT 404]

Betty Bowers is a minx and I would do sodomy with her.