FIGGIN [Late Feb - March 19] "Phil had a dream" semi-megathread. -

[Positron]

Phil has discovered that claiming to have nightmares about Kiwi Farms, FBI, or "the fash" hauling his ass off will get him asspats. So he keeps making shit up. Many of the following posts have been gleaned from the Random Update thread, but as it seems he's going to make a habit of it, we'd better start a new thread:

28 Feb

2 March

And fresh off the baker, the latest entry (3 March):

"I don't know what I would want to major in." I don't think you need to worry about that!
"...increasing near-wartime political climate...", in a college no less!

Asspatters:

 

[Tragi-Chan]

In order to “keep going” with the fight, you have to actually start fighting, soft boy.

 

[AbyssStarer]

He sleeps with a bat to protect himself from fascist government agents who would definitely have guns. Perfect logic.

 

[drtoboggan]

He sleeps with a bat to protect himself from fascist government agents who would definitely have guns. Perfect logic.

For him it makes sense. Anime always has heroes with swords fighting off mooks with guns and surviving without a scratch. Phil thinks anime reflects real life.

 

[Positron]

This is Phil's "nightmare"

 

[I raped a dog 2day]

Tell the truth, Phil: You aren't scared of Kiwi Farms. Who would be? We're just a bunch of internet shitposters who are laughing at tards like you. We aren't going to harm anybody and you know it; you just pretend we're a threat to get asspats.

No, if you want to know the kinds of things that REALLY scare Phil, it's going to be taking a shower, getting a job and not shitting yourself.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

I would say he's having wet dreams about being imprisoned by the fash but I don't know if that really works when you're a castrati.

In any case, those twitter followers are either very well trained fash agents keeping him under memetic sedatives trolls or your garden variety mumbling moron.
Yeah, keep thinking you have PTSD and chug those chemicals like a good boy girl potato.

 

[BlueArmedDevil]

Much like a tick on a vein Phil has found a rich source of the ass pats he so desperately craves.

 

[Pocket Dragoon]

Much like a tick on a vein Phil has found a rich source of the ass pats he so desperately craves.

And like a tick, he'll become so massively engorged that someone will finally notice or get sick of it and twist his head off, or he'll just drop off and die in the thick weeds.

 

[Deadpool]

No it doesn't sound like PTSD it sounds like a pig squealing for his next meal. Which in Phil's case is asspats...oh and blocks of cheese.

 

[Goddessoftheshire]

Phil just wishes the "fash" would violate him with ginger root.

 

[Pocket Dragoon]

Phil just wishes the "fash" would violate him with ginger root.

He needs 3, to make him truly airtight.

Raw ginger is pretty stout, I'd wager even his abominable trench deadzone would get a feel of that flavor.

Then, imagine the muffled squeaks & squeals.

No doubt his neighbors would be confused even further, and likely assume he's now LARPing Deliverance.

 

[Tragi-Chan]

Tell the truth, Phil: You aren't scared of Kiwi Farms. Who would be? We're just a bunch of internet shitposters who are laughing at tards like you. We aren't going to harm anybody and you know it; you just pretend we're a threat to get asspats.

No, if you want to know the kinds of things that REALLY scare Phil, it's going to be taking a shower, getting a job and not shitting yourself.

I think what really scares him is the passage of time. He's in his 30s now. His contemporaries have careers and families. Some have excelled, becoming rich and famous. Phil's being left behind by people ten years younger than him. And his sperging about war impresses no one - not only because no one believes him, but because they just don't adhere to the same childish system of values. The things he considers major issues are meaningless to most people his age, and the things that do concern them are incomprehensible to him. The older he gets, the less impressed people are with the identity bullshit. He knows this, but he doesn't understand why.

Soon he'll be middle-aged, poor, friendless and single, with nothing to show for it and no hope of making something of his life, because of all the irreversible poor decisions he's made. He'll make proclamations into the void and maybe he'll get some meaningless "likes," but in reality he'll have no one. Nobody will donate, because he'll be too old to elicit sympathy. Eventually he'll get so boring that even we stop following him. To the people on the streets of Portland, he'll just be another pathetic old derelict, mumbling about "the fash" and "Kiwi agents." People will cross the street to avoid him. People will dread him sitting next to them on the bus. Health problems he could previously ignore will become more acute. Eventually he'll die, largely unnoticed. There will be a funeral attended by no one. So ends the tale of Philip Haskins-Delici.

This is what he's coming to realise, and it terrifies him. But he can't honestly say "I'm scared that I've screwed my life up forever and it's all my fault," so he has to come up with this smokescreen about how the fight is taking its toll on him.

 

[Pocket Dragoon]

No it doesn't sound like PTSD it sounds like a pig squealing for his next meal. Which in Phil's case is asspats...oh and blocks of cheese.

Phil's house special is maggot-cheese (ie. Casu Marzu), that he decided to copy after watching Bizarre Foods.

Real craft cheese, cultured with maggots cultivated from his own private hatchery, no less.

 

[Deadpool]

Phil's house special is maggot-cheese (ie. Casu Marzu), that he decided to copy after watching Bizarre Foods.

Real craft cheese, cultured with maggots cultivated from his own private hatchery, no less.

Well I guess I didn't need to eat today anyway...

 

[StoicMoose]

Yo man I gotta do more weed to settle down know what im sayin fellow weed doers?

 

[Bassomatic]

I'm kind of getting bored of Phil talking about his fake sexual kinks in a thinly veiled manner.

Phil is a coward to the point he fears sex, one of the most basic drives of humans. He thinks he likes BSDM because it's edgy, but we knows he's a big cry baby wimp.

He also knows we laugh at him for never really getting laid being a sperg and gross. So he thinks he can roll his sexual fetish stuff up into his flavor of the week ANTIFA.

It's not working and just like I didn't want to read about his crying over figging that resulted in the lard tard tatter, crying till he got pizza I don't want to hear about Phils weird failed sexual lusts.

Also I know not everyone really does remember their dreams, but at times I wonder if someone like Phil can even dream with how just flat out mentally handicapped he is.

 

[Angry New Ager]

I think what really scares him is the passage of time. He's in his 30s now. His contemporaries have careers and families. Some have excelled, becoming rich and famous. Phil's being left behind by people ten years younger than him. And his sperging about war impresses no one - not only because no one believes him, but because they just don't adhere to the same childish system of values. The things he considers major issues are meaningless to most people his age, and the things that do concern them are incomprehensible to him. The older he gets, the less impressed people are with the identity bullshit. He knows this, but he doesn't understand why.

Does he even socialize with enough reasonably normal people his age to even be aware of how much further ahead in life they are, and be able to make a comparison, though?

Phil's been a full-fledged member of the lumpenproletariat for nearly all of his adult life. He has no real friends, just a few fellow troons and Antifa "comrades," and most of those relationships seem to be of the flimsy, easily-disposable Twitter variety. Hell, the Twitter Antifas might just be fakes, amusing themselves by playing along with his fantasies.

That said, his musing about going back to college is the kind of thing an aging chronic fuckup does--because no matter how strong their denial, as they age it gets harder to escape the fact that their shitty life isn't going to cease being shitty until they make significant changes. But because they're fuckups, they fail to recognize that it's they, and their fucked-up ways of thinking, that are the real problem, and not externals such as not having a college education. So going back to school looks like a solution. At the very least, it's something they can tell other people about that looks like a real effort at changing, and earns them some positive attention.

I've seen a lot of chronic fuckups go back to school in their 30s, and even 40s, imagining it will solve their inability to live as functional adult humans capable of sound decision-making. I have a personal lolcow who did just that, earning a worthless post-bac BFA (and she's still homeless and unemployed because, hey, fuckup). And, like her, Phil going back to school is utterly pointless, because what would he do with a college education, other than rack up a mountain of student loans he'll never repay? He's unfit to hold any sort of job, or if he is, those sorts of jobs don't require college degrees.

Oh, and that he imagines a college campus (especially in Portland!) would be a dangerous place for him as a non-passing, heavily tattooed, autistic, hygienically-challenged, Antifa-posturing, wannabe-Latina eunuch is pretty fucking hilarious, though.

Soon he'll be middle-aged, poor, friendless and single, with nothing to show for it and no hope of making something of his life, because of all the irreversible poor decisions he's made. He'll make proclamations into the void and maybe he'll get some meaningless "likes," but in reality he'll have no one.

Nobody will donate, because he'll be too old to elicit sympathy. Eventually he'll get so boring that even we stop following him. To the people on the streets of Portland, he'll just be another pathetic old derelict, mumbling about "the fash" and "Kiwi agents." People will cross the street to avoid him. People will dread him sitting next to them on the bus. Health problems he could previously ignore will become more acute. Eventually he'll die, largely unnoticed. There will be a funeral attended by no one. So ends the tale of Philip Haskins-Delici.

Other than the "middle-aged" part, and the bit about being too boring for even us Kiwis to bother following, he's already there. He may still scrape together a few donations every now and again from people who are too new to him to know what he's really like, but the truth is, he's a friendless nonentity. You think people don't already give him a wide berth in public, and on transit? You think anybody would show up for his funeral if he died today, or even claim his remains in order to give him a more dignified send-off than cremation on Multnomah County's dime?

This is what he's coming to realise, and it terrifies him. But he can't honestly say "I'm scared that I've screwed my life up forever and it's all my fault," so he has to come up with this smokescreen about how the fight is taking its toll on him.

I'm not convinced he's capable of that kind of realization about himself. I suspect it's more like, "My life is fucked up, and it's going to stay this way forever. I hate it, but I don't know what to do. What do other people do? They go to college, I guess. But I'm too much of a spud for that, and it would involve work, and I don't really want to go."

Also, keep in mind that his parasitic troon roommate has finally had enough of his shit, has publicly expressed that he doesn't feel safe living with Phil, and will be moving out. So I think the real fight that's taking its toll on him isn't one of dawning self-awareness, but rather the interpersonal one happening under his own roof. Plus, he's having complications with his manhole (complications he thought might be severe enough warrant revision surgery) only to be told that wasn't going to happen. So he's got a hostile roommate situation, plus ongoing physical discomfort and other unpleasantness from a surgery he thought was going to make his life better, and--shit, yeah, anybody would feel like it was taking a toll on them. And KF, or fascists in general, are convenient enemies to project those feelings onto, rather than the hostile roommate he still has to see every day, or the unethical surgeon who installed the faulty manhole he's incapable of maintaining properly.

 

[UselessRubberKeyboard]

Wait, Phil thinks he'll be subpoena'd to a federal grand jury (and this has something to do with him attending college)? I know he has delusions of grandeur, but come on. Even his asspatters must've done a "what the fuck" at that.

Phil has nothing in his life. He's bored and lonely, and college looks like one way of filling time positively - especially as he sees that many 'antifa' types are college age and use their campus time to organise meetings and protests etc. Saying that he's too radical for college is a bullshit excuse, though. He knows full well why college isn't a good fit for him, he just doesn't want to face that reality.

The real reason Phil can't go back to college has nothing to do with politics - real or imaginary. It's not even that he's too dumb and wouldn't attend regularly, because colleges can make allowances for genuine autistic re.tards.

No, the real reason Phil realises he can't go to college is that it's finally hitting him that he's not a teenager any more. He's too old to be automatically accepted by regular college-age kids, no matter how cool and rebellious he thinks he is. There's a generation gap between Phil and kids aged 18-21, and although he's too stupid to realise that's what it is, he knows something is different now and young people don't treat him like one of the guys any more. And that's because he's a middle-aged man trying to act like a teenager. Creepy doesn't even begin to describe it, as well as embarrassing and sad. If he went to college he'd be avoided by everyone no matter how much he tried to ingratiate himself, or how polite and tolerant other students were when forced to interact with him. He'd be a friendless outsider and would spend his time on campus alone, not just because he's smelly and weird, but because he's old too.

Tlr, Phil isn't dealing well with ageing. At all.

 

[MMX]

Paranoid delusional and autistic
On the one hand you could get actual help and medication (that Phil would likely either flush or offer to Buddha as per usual)
Or smoke some crowd sourced weed

Adulting is hard