Least Favorite Movies -

[spaps]

Which movies do you absolutely hate/despise/kill with fire?
It's Blues Brothers 2000 for me. I have never shut a movie off because it was so bad before. I couldn't get past the first half-hour, it was so bad. The writers stole almost everything from the first movie, and made it suck. The soulless bastards made The Blues Brothers suck. HOW.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I don't know the title, but it was some made for TV movie about a massive earthquake hitting New York and causing all kinds of death and mayhem. That was one of the few movies I stopped watching halfway through because I was so disgusted by it.

Another one that was terrible was the movie based on the Michael Crichton novel Timeline, about a group of grad students going back to Medieval France. We read the book in my senior English class and it was pretty good. The movie was just terrible, and when it came on TV I just couldn't stand it and stopped partway into the movie.

 

[An Ounce of Vagina]

My Netfix keeps suggesting me shit movies disguised as something I'd watch. And I watch them, then hate myself.

The Devil's Carnival. About three people who go to hell. It takes a real lack of anything resembling talent to make a movie about going to hell both annoying AND boring.

Barrio Tales. Two Americans go to Mexico to by drugs and end up hearing stories from the dealer. The stereotyping is outright disgusting, not one likable character in the movie, terrible acting, and it was boring too. They even made a story about a taco truck owner killing people for meat boring.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Black Beauty (1995). My mom took my niece and I to it when we were 12. Holy moly what a boring movie.

I remember having to sit through We Were The Titans (or whatever it was called) so many times my senior year of high school. If I had to sit through it again I'd probably barf.

Coraline was pretty awful too.

 

[cypocraphy]

I'll just mention something that was a big disappointment for me. Back in 8th grade my friends were going on and on about how funny "Austin Powers" was. So I had high hopes, but I just didn't find it to be funny at all.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

^Same here

 

[Dark Mirror Hole]

I'm normally a pretty forgiving guy. I always try to have 'half-full' perspective when watching certain films.

That said, I hated Suicide Club. Everything about that movie irritated me greatly.

 

[murdoc]

last exorcism of emily rose

actually any exorcism film
even the first one has lost its lustre

 

[cypocraphy]

last exorcism of emily rose

actually any exorcism film
even the first one has lost its lustre

Ever seen "The Exorcist III" ?

 

[murdoc]

last exorcism of emily rose

actually any exorcism film
even the first one has lost its lustre

Ever seen "The Exorcist III" ?

yes
i didn't like it

 

[Henry Bemis]

Of his oeuvre, Robin Hood: Men In Tights is far from Mel Brooks's best work. And you wouldn't believe how many people cock their heads when I say this.

 

[Judge Holden]

Ok gird your loins folks, this is going to be a long post

Roland Emmerich Films:

Shitty repetitive stories, shitty repetitive characters, shitty and almost immidiately dated and repetitive cgi, pretentious as all fuck with almost no exception, these films are to action thrillers what zeltzer-frieberg movies are to comedy. Fuck all substance, zero enjoyment beyond a few seconds of " dat CGI awesum" for those seeing it for the first time which gets old within a few more seconds, and just generally a pointless distraction bereft of either genuine watchability and talent, or even "so bad its good" amusement and enjoyment.

Honorable Exception: Stargate... but only because i enjoyed teh TV series

Any overly nationalistic, xenophobic, or aggressively jingoistic films of ALL stripes and nationalities:

I don't care if you are American, British, Turkish, Chinese or Russian, using a film to cheerlead the idea that your country is inherently and/or divinely superior to all others and whatever "enemy nation" you depict is disgustingly evil and entirely populated evil/weak/cowardly/depraved/worthless untermench, your film is a crock of pigshit. The two best examples I can think of are

a) (big shock) Roland Emmerich's the Patriot for depicting a mass murdering and mass raping slaver as a absolutely perfect hero because he fought the British, whitewashing slavery entirely just to make the US look better, and depicting the British as proto-nazis who engaged in utterly fictional atrocities (which were directly lifted from German war crimes in WW2 by the director)

b) the wildly popular (in Turkey) Turkish movie "Valley of the Wolves: Iraq" which gives the same treatment to the modern US military (with some healthy Jew hatred thrown in) and good old fashioned hatred of the Kurds.

Honorable Exception: ... I guess Braveheart was an accomplished movie in terms of cinematography, even if it fucked up scottish history to the point of being entirely fictional just so Gibson could whine about the English again

Zeltzer/Frieberg movies:

Do I even need to explain it?

Honorable Exception: fuck off

Torture Porn movies:

Having been raised on a steady diet of classic horror movies and the ultimate in 70s, 80s, and 90s splatter flicks, the advent and mass popularity of SAW and Hostel type movies were in my mind the worst half dozen years in Horror history (which neatly coincided with the next entry). Adding to the utterly uninspired, uninteresting, and (worst of all) unriffable acting, stories, and atmosphere was the excruciatingly dull repetitiveness of every single movie. There were no scares, no suspense, no thrill and no horror. Just abysmally failed attempts at making gory cringe-fests without a shred of the enjoyment of actual splatter films. The Serbian Film epitomised this, as it managed to make the subjects of babyfuck and farcical child rape not just boring, but utterly bereft of any "cringe" factor. How the fuck do you do that to a film with shit like that in it!?

Honorable Exception: The sole example of this subgenre which I actually enjoyed was the Human Centipede for "So Bad its Good" appeal alone

Post 2000 Horror Remakes

Ah the horror remake, the perfect example of just how unwilling people in the industry are to do something new, adapt an unused work (seriously, I am still waiting for lovecraft to become an actual subgenre), or just engage their fucking brains. Why dont we list some of them?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003): Tried to replace atmosphere with superfluous and tedious gore, a bizarre obsession with lee ermey's pointless and annoying character, half a dozen other pointless and annoying sub-villains, and about as scary as a side of beef.

And then theres the sequel....

Dawn of the Dead (2004): Replaces the well developed and memorable characters of the original with a dozen interchangable cardboard cuttouts. Replaces the dark yet comedic atmosphere of the original with... nothing at all, just a void of utter tedium. Replaces the epic splatter and gore of the original with nigh PG:13 cgi blood effects and halloween costumes. It also added to the "Running Zombie" fad that ensured WWZ is going to be pure hummingbird afterbirth (fucking zombie tsunami... ffs) and is only now being rectified.

The Fog (2005): fucking atrocious. WHY THE FUCK IS PG13 HORROR BECOMING A THING!? one of the most failed attempts at horror ever created, guaranteed to not scare anyone, I have personally observed toddlers sit through the "scare scenes" of the movie and do nothing but chow down on chocolate they stole from my halloween haul (I was 13 at the time and babysitting the day after halloween) and ask when the scary movie is going to start.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006): Had mildly Ok gore and fuck all else other than creeping the tweens out with the rape sequence. Admittedly the original was shit as well, but I woulda thought some actual effort would have been put in this time

And then theres the sequel....

The Wicker Man (2006): ...sigh, I guess I should get this out the way

[youtube]-1GadTfGFvU[/youtube]

Now thats over, despite the fact this movie is pretty much a poster child of "so bad its good", I found such moments too few and far between to judge the movie as watchable without Rifftrax. The sheer incompetance of everyone involved, actors, director, writer, all made this film painful, and the "oh so subtle" misogyny of the flick was rather grating after a while. And thats BEFORE we get into the fact it is pretty much the biggest insult to one of the best (and one of my favourite) British movies ever made.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006): For FUCK sake, why the hell does this movie exist? setting aside the issue of it's 3d being cancer inducing its so bad, this movie is just a stapled together, incoherent, disjointed, and fucking insulting wreck bereft of any scare, laugh, or even any vague abstract positive aside from reminding one how awesome the original was. To add to all this shit, the creators saw fit to incompetantly hammer in their own little fanfic into the film about a "creepy mortician" creating the zombies which both takes over the film and yet goes nowhere. This is basically what happens when a copycat of the Asylum makes a zombie movie, and its worse than all the terrorism in North Africa

And then theres the prequel.....

Halloween (2007): FUCKING ROB ZOMBIE, YOU ARE A TALENTLESS FUCKING HACK WHO DESERVES TO BE BUTTFUCKED THROUGH YOUR URETHRA BY RAPEWHALES IN HELL FOR ALL TIME YOU WASTE OF FUCKING CUM AND AFTERBIRTH....

Now thats over with allow me to briefly explain my issues with the remake of Halloween. As saying these remakes are not scary got old a long time ago I will not even bother saying it. This movie got nothing right, either in terms of the original, or in a basic film making sense, the atmosphere was just one of tedium and an annoyed dislike of everyone on screen, and by the time you were introduced to the main character (halfway through the movie) you were already bored out of your mind and wishing you were watching the original.

But all that pales into insignificance when compared to the fact zombie tried to make Michael Myers, arguably the most scary and evil slasher villain in history, into a whiny little bitch who one day went all tard rage when them damn dirty tro..bullies wouldnt leave him alone and his daddy didnt like him enough, and then retreated into some autist shell and did nothing but surround himself with his own sculptures and drawings for twenty years and then snapping because he just wanted a fucking hug from his gal pa...sister

They turned Michael Myers into FUCKING CHRIS CH@N!!! THERE CAN BE NO FUCKING FORGIVENESS... ahem. This movie is more an atrocity than all the rape in South Africa

As you can see I am rather irked by this particular entry. I shall try to restrain myself in later entries

And then theres the sequel....

Day of the Dead (200:

FOR FUCK SAKE, EVERY CUNT IN THIS MOVIE DESERVES TO BE DROWNED IN BOILING SEWAGE AND FUCKED TO DEATH BY LOVESHIES!!!!!!!

Arguably the most fucking insulting remake of all time, this movie.... jesus I cant even describe how much this movie sucks without my eyes bleeding. It is basically an Uwe Boll zombie film with the added insult of having characters named after characters in the original Day of the Dead movie and carted out and presented as a remake to any dumb shit willing to give it a chance. The fact that Day of the Dead is one of my personal favourite films ever (and on my list of most underrated movies ever) is irrelevant to this opinion. It is an objective and scientifically verifiable fact that this movie is worse than all the aids in the central africa (ok last time i mention africa)

Friday the 13th (200: Took all the tired cliches of the original series (and the billion or so subsequent rip offs) and condensed them in one single snorefest.

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010): Actively sets out and succeeds in demolishing every thing that made the original memorable, scary, interesting, and effective. Possibly the least scary slasher remake

Hellraiser (2011) This is not a hellraiser film, this is what megashark vs giant octopus was to jaws. There is literally nothing in this movie but fuckness and boredom. And I know I have overused all synonyms of the word boredom, but that really sums up this and almost every other film on this list.

Honorable Exception: The Crazies remake. Not only was it an enjoyable watch and a glad aversion to the zombie hype, but it cut out all of the boringly cliched pseudo leftist soldier hate feel the original had. Also I guess the Ring was ok.

The Asylum

I dont care if some CGI effects are considered "so bad its good", if you cant be bothered to put any effort, passion, or competance into a film, I cant be bothered to watch it. The reason some films get the reputation for being so bad its good is because while mostly inept, such films show a clear spark of passion, creativity, or simple charm in either the writing or the acting that allows the audiance to enjoy what they are seeing and suspend their taste for the movie to enjoy the unintentional humour. Thats why the Room, Birdemic, and Dungeons and Dragons are warmly regarded. These films have fuck all but a cynical and shameful attempt to make a quick buck through shitting out a rip off with minimum effort.

Honorable Exception: None.

And while we are on this subject...

Uwe Boll

Loathsome movies for the same reasons listed above, loathsome desecration and despoiling the image of historic game franchises simply to make a buck through german film laws, and an utterly Loathsome and pathetic specimen of humanity who deserves nothing but contempt and disgust. There is literally nothing positive I can say about him or his work, and everything negative.

Honorable Exception: the fact he will one day die. Granted this is not a film, but it is the only positive thing I can say about him.

 

[spaps]

The Asylum

I dont care if some CGI effects are considered "so bad its good", if you cant be bothered to put any effort, passion, or competance into a film, I cant be bothered to watch it. The reason some films get the reputation for being so bad its good is because while mostly inept, such films show a clear spark of passion, creativity, or simple charm in either the writing or the acting that allows the audiance to enjoy what they are seeing and suspend their taste for the movie to enjoy the unintentional humour. Thats why the Room, Birdemic, and Dungeons and Dragons are warmly regarded. These films have fuck all but a cynical and shameful attempt to make a quick buck through shitting out a rip off with minimum effort.

Don't even get me started on The Asylum. I watched American Battle- *cough* Warships, and couldn't believe how bad it was. What, alien EMPs don't affect World War II era technology? Bullshit. The CGI was terrible, the plot stupid and didn't make sense, the acting is shit, and they felt the need to cram a bunch of history lessons down our throat at the same time. One character in the movie is only there to say, "well, we can't fight these aliens with this old technology! This ship is supposed to be a museum!" only for him to get told off when they prevail. This shit happens multiple times, too.

Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson, and I watched Nazis at the Centre of the Earth the next day. It's torture pr0n. It sucked. Apparently, Nazis have been living underground in Antarctica since the 40's, replacing their internal organs, endoskeltons, and their skin to stay alive. I don't know anything about medical science, but I know for a fact that that's complete and utter bull right there. What about the mind? They can't replace that! It should be in a terrible state at that point. The characters don't make sense either. They decided to keep a guy around that infected a bunch of people with influenza or something like that (this guy also turns out to be a Nazi at the end. Not a big shock, considering his German last name and his sadistic experiments). There's a woman who was apparently knocked up at the Antarctica campus, and didn't tell anyone because she would be forced to leave. If science means that much to her, why didn't she just go back to U.S.A and get a damn abortion? The movie isn't scary, but it's very unsettling. The only slightly good contribution has made to cinema was Mecha-Hitler.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Nazis have kept Hitler's head frozen for years, eventually using stem cells from the pregnant bitch's baby (how convenient) to bring him back to life on a robot body. It's so ridiculous and over the top that it's awesome, even if it is just a ripoff of Wolfenstein 3-D.

 

[Judge Holden]

Soo they ripped off both wolfenstein and "They Saved Hitlers Brain"?

jesus christ my contempt for them just grew even bigger.

 

[c-no]

The only slightly good contribution has made to cinema was Mecha-Hitler.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Nazis have kept Hitler's head frozen for years, eventually using stem cells from the pregnant bitch's baby (how convenient) to bring him back to life on a robot body. It's so ridiculous and over the top that it's awesome, even if it is just a ripoff of Wolfenstein 3-D.

Does the Mecha-Hitler from the movie wield at least two chainguns?? If so, then I wonder if they were actually trying to make some kind of Wolfenstein movie, all they need would be Hans Grosse, BJ Blazkowicz, and all the other characters from the first game.

 

[spaps]

The only slightly good contribution has made to cinema was Mecha-Hitler.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Nazis have kept Hitler's head frozen for years, eventually using stem cells from the pregnant bitch's baby (how convenient) to bring him back to life on a robot body. It's so ridiculous and over the top that it's awesome, even if it is just a ripoff of Wolfenstein 3-D.

Does the Mecha-Hitler from the movie wield at least two chainguns?? If so, then I wonder if they were actually trying to make some kind of Wolfenstein movie, all they need would be Hans Grosse, BJ Blazkowicz, and all the other characters from the first game.

No. He piloted a fucking U.F.O, though.

 

[MysticMisty]

I just don't like A Christmas Story at all. I don't find it endearing or heartwarming, just awful. I know my opinion is also in the minority, seeing as how it has a 24 hour marathon every year. But I have given it more than a fair chance and I really dislike that movie.

 

[c-no]

The only slightly good contribution has made to cinema was Mecha-Hitler.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Nazis have kept Hitler's head frozen for years, eventually using stem cells from the pregnant bitch's baby (how convenient) to bring him back to life on a robot body. It's so ridiculous and over the top that it's awesome, even if it is just a ripoff of Wolfenstein 3-D.

Does the Mecha-Hitler from the movie wield at least two chainguns?? If so, then I wonder if they were actually trying to make some kind of Wolfenstein movie, all they need would be Hans Grosse, BJ Blazkowicz, and all the other characters from the first game.

No. He piloted a fucking U.F.O, though.

Meh, good enough for me, I find that rather hilarious. Hitler commanding a U.F.O., abducting people for his evil Nazi scientist to experiment and anal probe. Speaking of the U.F.O. you mentioned, does that Robo-Hitler movie end with a cliffhanger or does it end with Hitler being defeated?

 

[spaps]

Speaking of the U.F.O. you mentioned, does that Robo-Hitler movie end with a cliffhanger or does it end with Hitler being defeated?

No, they kill him. I don't remember how, but they did.

 

[DH 384]

I just don't like A Christmas Story at all. I don't find it endearing or heartwarming, just awful. I know my opinion is also in the minority, seeing as how it has a 24 hour marathon every year. But I have given it more than a fair chance and I really dislike that movie.

I really don't like A Christmas Story that much anymore, but not for the same reasons. I used to love it and watch it with my family around Christmas time, but the 24-hour marathons have ruined it for me, since it's turned into a "Y'know, you can have marathons of other movies like you used to have" situation more than anything else. Making it a staple kinda takes the fun out of it, y'know?

But, here goes:

Jack and Jill

I ended up watching this movie with my brother because we had a free weekend of HBO and we wanted to see how bad it could get. We had heard about how bad it was. When I saw the trailer for it, it sounded like one of the joke trailers from Funny People (which is another irritating movie, but that one only because the first half was great before getting hijacked by the second half. I should really start calling that Hancock syndrome 'cause that did the exact same thing). And I was aware of it breaking records by sweeping the Razzies. But then again, I've really liked Adam Sandler's older stuff. His SNL run was great and is one of the few times where the show was actually good. I still like Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison to an extent, The Waterboy (again, to an extent), The Wedding Singer, and Click. Perhaps it has something to do with me watching them as a kid and having fond memories, but the Bob Barker fight scene in Happy Gilmore is worth it alone.

This movie made me question why I ever liked his material in the first place. The whole movie was horrible, the writing was horrible and cliched, the jokes fell flat, the product placement was terrible (to the point where the entire movie is actually based around product placement). We're obviously supposed to be rooting for what's pretty much Adam Sandler in drag, even though the character and voice is one of the most grating things I've heard. I haven't felt this irritated about a main character since Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin in Biodome. That takes talent to be that grating. SInce the movie's main gimmick is just Adam Sandler in drag, I couldn't help thinking the entire time that the '96 version of The Nutty Professor did this gimmick much better 15 years earlier.

All in all, the movie really did deserve all 10 Razzies it got that year, and it's only the second movie my brother and I have ever walked out on (at least one that wasn't on TV with commercials). Even though I was watching it on TV. I quit out with about 15 minutes left, and I ended up reading a synopsis. I really didn't miss anything after that. My parents, who like Adam Sandler's old work as well, ended up watching it together after I did, and they shut it off halfway since they both thought it was stupid and wasn't funny. Which is surprising since my dad usually has a higher tolerance for low-brow slapstick like that. But in all seriousness, it made me question why I ever liked the humor in the older movies to begin with. I couldn't judge whether Bucky Larson or That's My Boy is worse though, since that would actually involve me watching those movies and I'm not touching them with a 10-foot pole.

Fortunately, we ended up watching The Big Lebowski afterwards, so that helps a lot.

Oh. And the other movie that we both walked out on? Big Momma's House 3 (Like Father, Like Son). I think we picked it up in a dollar store bin which is the only reason I can think of why we have it. It was a direct-to-dvd sequel to an already crappy sequel of an okay movie (which has aged horribly, btw) which I'm pretty sure was trying to steal the thunder of The Nutty Professor. Film Brain (as much as I'm not that much of a fan of him) did a review on it, I figured I'd watch it since we (rage)quit a third of the way through. It was that bad.