Let's build a LOLcow -

[DykesDykesChina]

Okay, dudes and dudettes of all teenages, creativity time!

We've discussed a lot of real strange people on this forum. Now, let's fire up our imaginations and invent LOLcows! Who can come up with the most bizarre, lulzy and pathetic character?

Here's mine: Norbert the Creationist Loveshy Urban Caveman

Age: 34

Occupation: Used to be a bank clerk, now tugboating along

His life und lulz:
Norbert resides in Salt Lake City. He grew up with cartoons and movies about dinosaurs and primeval humans, most notably "The Flintstones". Norbert is also a fundie Christian, taking the Bible at face value, and thus he thought the portrayal of humans alongside dinosaurs to be completely realistic. To him the Flintstones are practically a documentary.

Later, he developed an avid interest in the "Urban Caveman" Lifestyle. This was in part fueled by his misogyny, as he is of the opinion that modern-age men have become weaklings and are therefore constantly put in the friendzone by women, and that the good old days of cavepeople should be revived, with hairy muscular cavemen dragging women to their caves and showing them who is master.

But Norbert hasn't quite succeeded in becoming a hairy muscular manly caveman.

What he succeeded in was getting fired from his job at a bank. His boss wasn't pleased with him showing up bare-chested in loincloth and greeting customers with one of his trademark caveman roars.

Norbert now spends his days at his computer - not exactly caveman-like, but hey, he's wearing a loincloth while doing so! - uploading crappy caveman-themed artwork to Deviantart, depicting muscular cavemen fighting dinosaurs, dragging hot women by the hair to their caves or just showing off their muscular hairy awesomeness.

Norbert himself isn't muscular at all, going to the gym would cause him too much stress.

Apart from Deviantart, he can be found on political fringe forums of the right wing kind, where he talks endlessly how humanity has become weakened by feminism, communism and some other -isms and everybody should return to the wild in order to become muscular and manly again.

Highlights of Norberts life:

* Once he got into trouble when he tried attracting females in park. First, he just lay down on the grass dressed only in his loincloth, listened to Britney Spears on his Ipod and rubbed sun lotion over his non-existent muscles. When this just attracted some weirded-out stares, he decided to one-up himself and let out his deep manly caveman mate attraction roar (listeners have likened it to a mixture of a poodle's bark and the voice of a crow). When someone snapped a picture of him, he got mad, picked up a huge caveman club (a rather small stick actually) and charged at them. It ended with a very battered, tazered Norbert on the ground, angry Jerkops and a short jail sentence.

* When Norbert decided he wanted to leave modern civilization behind for good, he headed for Yellowstone Park in order to live in the woods, hunt wild animals and pray to the nature gods. He actually lasted for a few days in the woods, until he ran out of fuel for his lighter and his provisions of canned soup. Additionally, it started to rain which caused him to find out that the cheap tent ($ 9,95 at Wal-Mart) he had brought along was actually a toy intended only for fair weather use. Wet, hungry and half-naked he was luckily found by some rangers who brought him back to their station and called medical emergency services when Norbert kept babbling on about cavemen. This trip ended with a short stay in a psychiatric hospital.

* Norbert once chucked some homemade spears at birds in a city park in order to "hunt". Luckily for the birds, he was very clumsy, unluckily for him, some angry animal lovers confronted him and even threatened to beat him up. Norbert responded with one of his trademarked caveman battle roars (sounding somewhat like a pig's grunt) and then quickly ran away.


Ways to troll him:

* Point out that him being a virgin isn't because of the evil feministcommunistliberalconspiracy but because of him being an umsympathetic douche.

* Show him scientific proof that humans and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time.

* Mock his artwork (created with crayola markers and/or MS Paint).

* Tell him his drawing of hairy muscular cavemen look very homoerotic.

* Tell him that if he really wants to be a caveman he should stop using computers and Ipods.

* Tell him that if the government is really a bunch of evil un-American un-manly un-caveman-like liberal communist atheist feminists, he shouldn't live on a tugboat which comes from the government.

* Mock him for fapping to Wilma Flintstone.

* Show him a documentary about what life was probably really like in the paleolithic age.


So, this is my personal fictional LOLcow. Invent one of your own if you want to!

 

[exball]

His name is Robert, He likes to dress up as a lady and runs a cool ass internet army

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I'm thinking of doing a cross of David Tanny/CWC (someone who thinks he's a great artist and musician but sucks at it), ADF (the political activism, but not queermunism and being transgender) and Gloria Tesch (the self-promotion). I'm also thinking of making his grandpa be a Bob-like character.

It might be dumb, but I'm workin' on it.

 

[c-no]

My LOLcow
Name: Richard the love-shy, homophobe, JERK
Age: Somewhere around his early 20's
Occupation:Student, flirting with expulsion due to harassing female students.

Life: Richard was born within California to a normal, everyday couple. As Richard grew over the ages, he sought to have a girlfriend but his attitude as an obnoxious jerk shot down those chance, combine that with a victim complex and a sense of self-righteousness and perversion and you get Richard as he is today. Some years ago, after seeing the girl he lusted over hooking up with a guy who is the opposite of Richard and seeing the second woman he wanted revealing to be a lesbian, Richard's homophobia and misogyny grew. Eventually, he would join the love-shy forum, making post after post about the EVILS of women and wishing he could be like his hero fschmidt, wanting to rape those who denied him the pleasure of sex. Of course, his parents found out about this and decided to cut down their internet, causing Richard to RAGE over how his dad is being the beta to his mother's alpha despite the fact that his parents have a very equal marriage. Eventually when he reached college thanks to getting accepted into a university, he would get a slight taste of independence.

Notable events:
*At age 15, he sexually harassed a female student, prompting a visit to the principle and one hell of a grounding from his parents. He would of course play the victim despite the fact that he was guilty of being the harasser.

*Being a homophobe, Richard threatened to beat up the gay guy in his senior year of high-school, prompt a few students who would do the same to Richard himself if he ever tried to carry out that assault.

*When he entered the college university, Richard sought to hit on some women until he got a girlfriend. When he was rejected he called them "whores" because they were only interested in jerks. Cue the cops coming in and telling him to stop. When he gets belligerent towards the cops, especially the female cop, he insults the female cop and throws a sexist remark and how she deserves to be raped. Cue Richard getting thrown into the fire when the people around him start to chew him out and the cops arresting him for harassment.

*When sharing an essay for English class, Richard shared one about rape, women, and gays. Let's just say this one caused many students to tell him "GTFO." When he refused, campus police came in to save the day after he said something about women and rape and gays.

Ways to troll Richard:

*Point out the fact that he will never have a girl due to his attitude and personality

*Tell him that a gay guy can get more women than him

*Tell him how his rape fantasies are crap.

*Tell him how he will one day end up in prison, dropping his soap

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I was going to name my lolcow Richard Wood. One way to troll him is to call him Dick, he hates that nickname.

 

[GGGBYBYBY]

Meet Brian Warren. Brian is obsessed with the 2011 adaption of Thundercats. Because of this he has actually bought two cats and called them Wilykit and Wilykat. He used to be somewhat of fan of the original cartoon and was overjoyed when they announced the reboot. His favourite character is Wilykit. He has an original character, Jaguto who harbours affections for Wilykit with hopes of marrying her when she grows up.

Brian has the Thundercats logo tattooed on his back and believes in reincarnation. In his previous life he was apparently a cat who had a mate that reminds him of Wilykit and has tried to kill himself multiple times in the hope of reincarnating himself to being a cat again. His pets often fall victim to Brian's overaffectionate and overenthusiastic nature. Despite their yowls and growls whenever he handles them Brian believes that his cats still love him. He feeds them cows milk quite regularly and wonders why they seem to have bad cases of diarrhoea because in all the cartoons cats drink milk and it's just fine. Originally he lived with his parents who owned a large persian cat but eventually they disowned him when they found out about his Wilykit and general cat obsession through seeing the vast amounts of pornographic art and fanfiction he produces and consumes. He believes that animals can choose to consent as "if they don't want it they'd just scratch or bite" and has been caught once by a stranger harassing a local stray in his yard. Some time ago videos were dumped on the internet that featured Brian masturbating in front of his cats. Brian denies with all his might that that is him despite the fact numerous photographic and video evidence shows that the identity of him and his cats matched the ones in the leaked video. Another thing about Brian is that he despises dogs of all kinds and has actually been prosecuted for shooting a neighbours dog in the leg when it chased one of his parents cats out of the yard in his teenage years.

Brian bemoans of his lack of a girlfriend and believes when he does finally get one she will have to accept that Wilykit always comes in his heart before her and would like her to dress up as her while they would do the secks.

He used to have a job in the local animal centre but got fired when they got wind of the incident involving him and the dog. Despite the laws stating he cannot actually legally adopt any pets he keeps Wilykat and Wilykit without their knowledge and has bough them from an uncertified breeder who could not and did not have the means to investigate Brian. They are not registered with any vets and it is evident in some videos and photos that Brian cannot actually look after his pets properly as their diet consists of milk, fat cuttings and raw meat.

To go along with his loyal following of Thundercats Brian despises the series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a burning passion, beliving it to be a rip off of Thundercats. This hatred also shines through to the series Samurai Pizza Cats. He visits fanart blogs and fanartists of those series regularly on his deviantart and paheal accounts to voice his hatred of the series, how Thundercats is superior and how the artist is a bad person for liking such OBVIOUS RIPOFF FURRY CRAP.
Also Brian denies any furry tendencies and refuses by any means to associate himself with the subgroup, going to lengths such as going out of his way and outright flaming them and attacking them over their interests, comparing them to himself.

]P Ways to troll Brian ]P

-Tell him Wilykit is underaged
-Criticizing the Thundercats cartoons in anyway
-Telling him he's an animal abuser and can't look after his cats
-Mentioning the leaked video of the cats
-Telling him Ninja Turtles is superior or equal to Thundercats
-Telling him he is a furry.
-Mentioning that fapping off to cartoon cat girls is creepy.
-Telling him he'll never find a girlfriend.
-Threatening him with the ASPCA
-Calling him a catfapper or catfucker
-Asking him why he hasn't got another job
-Telling him there's a good reason why the shelter fired him
-Saying Wilkit does not like his OC
-Saying his art and fanfiction needs work

 

[Picklepower]

Clarence Weinstein

Otaku+9/11 Truther + Aspiring Director+ Aspergers

Luisiana born, Clarence started his internet life writing Yu Yu Hakusho, Full House crossover Fanfic, in which Hiei and Kurama take the uncle's Joey and Jessie's place to teach the girls how to be spirit detectives/martial artists.
In 2005 he watched Loose Change and his life was changed forever. He then wrote a YYH fanfic in which Yusuke and the gang capture George W. Bush and punch him until he admits the truth about 9/11. His fanfic was panned by the fan fic community and soon he made his first Youtube video in which he, dressed as Hiei from YYH, rapped about the moon landing, and how it was shot by George Lucas. He now talks about how he will be the next Quentin Tarantino, and shoots videos of himself acting out Oliver Stone movies, with his toy collection.

 

[Saney]

I was going to name my lolcow Richard Wood. One way to troll him is to call him Dick, he hates that nickname.

Why not Richard Rider?

 

[Trombonista]

BRB building the ultimate SJW.

 

[Pikonic]

Meet Clarissa "Crystal Tokyo" Wilkins
Age: 28
Occupation: Freelance Artist AKA unemployed
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 237 lbs
Current Location: Ashford, CT
"Crystal"'s beginnings were humble. She was just another Sailor Moon Fanatic in the late 90s. Her parents thought she would grow out of it. Once high school started she began drawing, her landscapes, still life, and portraits were actually pretty good, but she only wanted to draw anime. This is where she started her pen name, "Crystal Tokyo" after the fictional place in SM.
Then the lulzyness began....
She decided that Tuxedo Mask was her husbando, and Sailor Moon was a complete bitch for stealing him away. She joined deviantart to display her Tuxedo Mask Rule 34 which included a skinny anime version of herself. If anyone told her to "grow up" or stop obsessing over a fictional character, she'd lose her shit and ALL CAPS about how they're racists against fat people. Her YouTube channel, CrystalxKamen, was nothing but her reading her fan fiction about Serena's death and how she became the new Sailor Moon. She also talks about how America is awful and wants to run away to Japan to live with a wealthy businessman on his cherry orchard, all while drawing anime and making bank, despite the fact Japanese men hate fatties and a white person getting into the anime business is extremely difficult. Any YouTube comment short of absolute praise will result in butthurt blocking. After a troll began commentating her videos, she posted a video crying her eyes out, threatening to leave YouTube and Deviantart forever.

Ways to troll Miss Tokyo
-Offer ANY criticism to Sailor Moon.
-Offer ANY criticism to ANY anime
- Tell her her dreams are unrealistic, she should focus on more achievable goals like losing weight, getting a real job, moving out of her parents, etc.
-Point out having waifus and husbandos isn't socially acceptable
-Call her fat.
-Tell her American and European media is more entertaining then Japanese media
-Tell her Japan isn't like the amines, she will call you uneducated.

 

[exball]

Meet Clarissa "Crystal Tokyo" Wilkins
Age: 28
Occupation: Freelance Artist AKA unemployed
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 237 lbs
Current Location: Ashford, CT
"Crystal"'s beginnings were humble. She was just another Sailor Moon Fanatic in the late 90s. Her parents thought she would grow out of it. Once high school started she began drawing, her landscapes, still life, and portraits were actually pretty good, but she only wanted to draw anime. This is where she started her pen name, "Crystal Tokyo" after the fictional place in SM.
Then the lulzyness began....
She decided that Tuxedo Mask was her husbando, and Sailor Moon was a complete bitch for stealing him away. She joined deviantart to display her Tuxedo Mask Rule 34 which included a skinny anime version of herself. If anyone told her to "grow up" or stop obsessing over a fictional character, she'd lose her shit and ALL CAPS about how they're racists against fat people. Her YouTube channel, CrystalxKamen, was nothing but her reading her fan fiction about Serena's death and how she became the new Sailor Moon. She also talks about how America is awful and wants to run away to Japan to live with a wealthy businessman on his cherry orchard, all while drawing anime and making bank, despite the fact Japanese men hate fatties. Any YouTube comment short of absolute praise will result in butthurt blocking. After a troll began commentating her videos, she posted a video crying her eyes out, threading to leave YouTube and Deviantart forever.

Gold star to you. My stomach hurts from laughing.

 

[Yawning Bulbasaur]

A not-so-original OC that I came up with for a friend on Facebook after he talked about making a webcomic series about a pseudo-CWC manchild

Ian Brandon Anderson- An overweight Aspergian brony weeaboo college student who wears a fedora and , has a waifu pillow and thinks he's married to Zekrom. In the drawing I just mashed up Chris, JustinRPG, Nick Bate, Pamperchu, MadThad and some other autistic dude me and my friends used to troll on Facebook who then posted a video of himself raging and threatening us to "watch out for the purple Oldsmobile".

Tate- IBA's roommate, tinfoil hatter conspiratard who listens to Alex Jones, might draw him as a black guy with a ponytail based on my aunt's live-in boyfriend who happens to be one of those people.

Brenda Kendall- Half-Asian hambeast who IBA has an extreme stalking obsession with and also becomes obsessed with superhero comics just because she's into them, based her off of Megan Schroeder, Anna Nickel (Nick Bate's top stalking target), and an IRL chick who I used to have an obsessive crush on and confessed my feelings to too early even though I never actually hit on her or anything like that and I sure as hell have never done anything to her on the same magnitude as Nick or Chris.

 

[Roger Rabbit]

Mr. Christian McSonysalieri

He rages how his Mary-sue's relationship with both Sonic and Pikachu is made fun of so she makes reviews of the comments and makes fun of their spelling and grammar.

 

[c-no]

Here another lolcow I built after reading a certain thread within the LOLCOW section of this forum:
Tony the crazy Brony
Age: Early to mid 20's
Occupation: College student and store worker, flirting with suspension and fire due to how he acts.

Life: Born somewhere in the United States or possibly Canada. Tony lived as a guy who hanged onto certain fandoms with a zealous grip. On the web, he made a fool of himself as a spergy fanboy, being too vocal with criticism and jerking off to pornographic pics.When he discovered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, he gained a interest to sperg and fap to. Everytime he saw a shipping of characters he didn't agree with such as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, he always raged at the shipping since it conflicted with his own shipping: his own pony OC whose lover was whatever he felt was appropriate be it Celestia, Twilight, or even Discord. When he sees a clop pic that aroused him, he would fap to it, even if said pic consisted of child ponies. This habit of his extended not just to fan works but even to the show itself. When he saw certain things that he didn't like such as Big Mac and Cheerilee not kissing, he would rage. When bronies made a complaint about a certain episode, he would be louder then the bronies in complaining. This attitude spilled over to college where in the computer lab, he would view clop pics and watch episodes of MLP with the volume turned up. This didn't sit well with other students, especially bronies who weren't crazed fan-boys. When they reported him for his behavior, he said they persecuted him for being a brony, saying they weren't loving and tolerable of him. Obviously, the staff and students weren't amused with how he acted. He was later warned that if he breaks the rules such as "No porn" and "No loud noises", he would suspended and possibly lose his computer privliges.His workplace was no better. His behavior annoyed fellow co-workers when he chose to play with ponies in the toy isles and watch them on the tv's in the electronics. This displeased his supervisor who would later tell him that he would be fired if he tried this again.

Notable Events:
* When a Brony club was first formed at the college, Tony was accepted at first since he seemed rather decent like some other members. When he and a few others proved otherwise, the more decent members expelled them. This caused Tony to rage online about brony persecution.

* For a few days, Tony used the college computers to look up MLP related stuff. It was all decent until he started to look at the clop pictures and watching the episodes without turning down the volume. This caused the previously mentioned incident.

*Online, he is a member of an MLP forum. Although he has many post, he has been threatened with bans from mods due to his unruly behavior. It doesn't help that he acts very obnoxious, especially with his shippings of his OC and whatever pony he chooses.

*When Equestria Girls was mentioned, Tony RAGED like any other brony but with more hate. Even after seeing it he still raged, especially since Twilight had gotten a possible love-interest, causing him to rage to the point that mods banned him.

*When a MLP convention came to his home city, he attended. Some time later at the con, he proved to be obnoxious, asking inappropriate questions to the voice actors, getting into fights with security and other bronies, and being creepy to fans cosplaying as female characters.

Ways of trolling Tony:
Post shippings of characters with other characters. He will rage hard.
Praise Equestria Girls as good or decent. He will rage hard. Extra points if you say you like the possibility of Twilight having the human guy or his pony-self as her boyfriend.
Say you hate clop pics. He will fervently defend clop pics.
Tell him how hateful he is. He will just show it despite otherwise.

 

[Kamen Rider Black RX]

David Daniels
AKA DJ Double-D

33 years old, Caucasian. Weights around 280 lbs.
From: New Jersey.

Has a youtube account where he makes awful raps based on MLP episodes and the adventures of his OC pony DJ Double-D.

Sources of lulz:
Calling him gay
Criticizing his work
Saying he misunderstood the moral of an episode
Stating he is not gangsta

Most notable incident:
Went off on an African-American who did a reaction video to one of his songs. Had his original account suspended for hate speech. Was quick to upload to a second channel, but the black guy made a remix version of one of his songs and put it to a Justin Bieber video. That video has 12 million hits.

 

[PvtRichardCranium]

Name: Tom Smith
Self Given Stage Name: J-Dog Beelzeblack
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: Self Identified Satanist
Interests: Hip Hop culture, Apple products, the Occult, YouTube, Haters(trolls)

J-Dog Beelzeblack is part of the first wave of Satanic Rappers. There's only one problem: he's white. He however truly believes that blackness is not the color of your skin, but how you act. He has never seen a black man using anything other than an iPad, so naturally he only uses Apple products, despite the fact that they are the whitest inventions in the world.
He is now currently trying to sue another YouTuber for using his song "Satan's Big Black Cock" in a very popular YouTube poop.

Some of his greatest hits are listed below.

Jezebel's VaJayJay
Satan's Big Black Cock
My Soul Is Black
Four Horseniggas Wit Attitude
The Blackest Of Blackness Blackened

In recent news he is being sued by Cannibal Corpse for sampling their song I Cum Blood for his song I Cum Black Blood without their permission. He called Cannibal Corpse a bunch of white boy haters and faggots. He is now in the hospital due to broken ribs and a cracked skull. A formal investigation has not been planned, and Cannibal Corpse themselves are not considered suspects. He did however claimed that he beat their white asses with his superior African strength, and is planning to go on tour in several cities, including Los Angeles and Oakley, where he plans to meet his "people."

 

[c-no]

Another custom built lolcow, this one focuses on hating a religious group:
Name: Wyatt Dylan
Age: mid-thirties
Occupation: Unemployed currently, was once an accountant until he got fired.

Born somewhere in the either United States or the United Kingdom, Wyatt was a complete jerk. A complete Islamophobe, Wyatt would make youtube videos and internet post speaking of how evil and barbaric Islam is while defending any crappy video that exaggerated any flaws of Islam. Due to being hate speech, Wyatt raged, gaining paranoia in some super secret Illuminati styled muslim organization trying to rule the world. With this paranoid belief, Wyatt would go outside to the entrances of stores and restaurants, speaking like an outdoor preacher to convince people of muslims being evil MIB-like agents that want to take over America/England. This of course would prompt him getting hog-tied by cops. He is currently going through his trial, the bitter irony is that the lawyer appointed to him is a muslim. Once he insults his lawyer and throws a slur, the judge adds more chares.

Notable Events:
* Scarred muslim kids, calling them terrorist and racial slurs. This prompted some adults, both muslim and non-muslim ,to confront him.
* When he was assigned a muslim co-worker in his old accounting job, he refused to work with him, saying he could be a terrorist hiding a bomb. His superiors were not amused and in fact, fired him on the spot.

Fun Facts:
He thinks anyone against him is part of some muslim world order, even atheist and Christians.
Denies any contributions Islam has made.
Thinks Islam wants people to be uneducated

Ways to troll:
Mention the contributions of Islam
Tell him that not all muslims are terrorist
Mention that Islam places importance upon education

 

[The Dude]

Name: Angelina "Angel Wings" Hauser
Age: 26
Height: 5' 4"
Weight: About 200lbs
Location: San Francisco, CA
Interests: MLP, shotacon, far-left politics, corpophilia/scat play, angry chick music from the 90's
Occupation: Part time Starbucks barista and on welfare.

Angelina is a raging liberal who writes terrible fanfics about little boy ponies who enjoy scat play. She moved to San Francisco when she dropped out of Art School to get away from her "Fascist parents and those Goddamned conservatives" in Arizona. She maintains a YouTube channel where she talks about her love of ponies, little boys in cartoons, scat play, "evil conservatives", and how icky guns are and how they should be banned. She watches her channel religiously and will delete any negative comments and block anyone who says boo about her. She says that Rainbow Dash is actually a boy and they will be married one day. She moved in with her boyfriend who she met on a scat forum, also on welfare, but he cheated on her with an ex and she now hates men. During the fall-out with her boyfriend she tried to get him evicted from his own apartment, saying that she deserved to live there and not him. Even after all the animosity she still calls him regularly because he's the only one who has shown interest in her sexually and "his number twos are REALLY BIG!"

Fun facts:
Once got a really nasty vaginal infection after freezing a turd and using it as a dildo. Video of this act as leaked.
Will take nudes of herself for any guy who asks. Many nudes leaked, often with her covered in feces.
Has petitioned many adult toy manufacturers to make a turd shaped dildo.
Has a mary sue pony character named Dooky Drawers. All art she has created of her has her covered in feces, eating out of dirty diapers, and Rule 34 of her with little boy ponies.

Ways to troll her:
Point out how many of Obama's policies mirror George W. Bush's policies.
Point out how gun control does not work and all statistics show that more gun ownership = lower crime rates.
Point out that Rainbow Dash is female.
Accuse her of being a lesbian for loving a girl pony.
Call her a pedophile for liking shota.
Call her fat.
Remind her that she got an infection from diddling herself with a frozen turd.
Remind her of the video of said act.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

Here's what I got so far:

Richard “Richie” Oliver Ryder, 28, lives in Cleveland, Ohio (AKA, the mistake by the lake)
Physical characteristics – 5’6” (168 cm) and weighs 135 lbs. (61 kg); has long hair, colors it as often and in the same manner as Dennis Rodman

Interests: he loves art, esp. painting, but sucks at it; he tries to make money by selling his crappy paintings on eBay for $100 a piece; spends his time teaching himself to play his favorite TV show theme songs on various instruments, again, he has no musical talent; obsessed with ‘90s American TV shows, esp. old shows from Nickelodeon, writes slash fiction of these shows; huge fan of Obama and the Huffington Post, identifies as a socialist, thinking the government should pay him to paint and learn instruments, but doesn't know anything about politics or economics; makes YouTube videos on painting (he thinks he’s the next Bob Ross), music and gives his commentary on political issues, which is really him just parroting what he hears his favorite liberal commentators say; has a crush on the Costa Rican meteorologist on the local news and often mentions her

Lifestyle: Lives with his widowed grandpa Mike, an 83-year-old Korean War veteran and retired steelworker who thinks all the world's problems are the result of the North Koreans and Chinese trying to take over the world, and thinks Richie is an idiot for embracing socialism, which Mike calls "communism lite"; Mike either beats the crap out of Richie for being a loser or takes him down to Mike's favorite bar for drinks every Saturday night

Mike has made Richie get jobs so he can do something productive, but Richie keeps getting fired:

he was a doorman at a five star hotel, but was fired after he complained about working during a cold day in the winter

worked as a docent at an art museum, which allowed him to use his autistic knowledge of art minutiae, but argued with patrons and his supervisors over art

worked as a valet for a hospital, but told a patient that a homeopathic cure would work better than the treatment she was getting at the Cleveland Clinic

currently he works for a lodge buddy of his grandpa's mowing lawns and clearing snow from rental properties, although Richie has been fired numerous times, his grandpa always got his lodge buddy to give Richie his job back

Of course, Richie spends all his money on art supplies

Greatest Moments

Banned from all the call-in TV and radio programs in the Cleveland area for sperging

Lived like a homeless person for 4 months during Occupy Cleveland in 2011, without telling his grandpa where he was going; he got the crap beat out of him and got arrested during a clash between protesters and police; he called his grandpa, his grandpa called his lodge buddy the lawyer and bailed Richie out, when they got home, Mike beat up Richie and called him a "slimy little Communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker"

He used to action his art on eBay with a starting bid of $10, but then several trolls bought his art and wrote BY DICK RIDER on the art with a black marker; this caused Richie to up the price to $50, and then again to $100; no one has bought any of his paintings since then

He said he lost a commission to do a street mural because of his ED page and vowed to take ED down; this of course ended as well as you'd expect

Fired from working as an usher for the Cleveland Orchestra when he sat behind the piano and tried to play the "Peanuts" song before a concert

Ways to troll Richie:

Tell him he should live in the suburbs on the west side and that Cleveland is the mistake by the lake inhabited by niggos and crack dealers

Ask him how the steel industry is doing in Cleveland these days

Say Dennis Kucinich was the worst mayor in Cleveland history, and that only a loser would vote for him for a Congressman, and only an idiot would vote for him for President

Tell him Chinese cartoons will one day eclipse Japanese cartoons

Tell him you've seen five-year-olds paint better than he does

Call him "Dick" or even better, "Dick Ryder" - he hates that name

Tell him mowing lawns is his calling in life and not art or music, and that he should go to school for horticulture

 

[The Dude]

Mike beat up Richie and called him a "slimy little Communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker"

What you did there, I see it and Gunny Hartman sees it.