Let's Make a Lolcow Cookbook - Kiwi Farm's Finest Recipes inspired by all the lovely cows on the site

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Meglio fascista che frocio.
True & Honest Fan
Oct 14, 2014
In the spirit of DSP's brownie saga, here is my decadent brownie recipe as I've written in my own ledgers:
  • 10 tablespoons unsalted butter
  • 1 1/4 cups sugar
  • 3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 2 cold large eggs
  • 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
  • 2/3 cup walnut or pecan pieces (optional)
  • An 8-inch square baking pan

Preheat oven to 325F (160-something Celsius). Line pan with parchment paper or foil, leave overhang so as to make it easier to remove brownies from pan.

Prepare a double-boiler, bring water to a simmer. Combine butter, cocoa, and sugar and heat over the simmering water until hot enough you want to remove your finger fairly quickly after testing the temperature. Remove butter-cocoa-sugar mixture from the simmering water and let cool until warm.

Stir in vanilla with spoon made from the flesh of trees. Stir in eggs one at a time, stir until the batter is thick and shiny. Add flour and mix until flour magically disappears into the vortex of pre-cooked dark chocolate deliciousness. Beat that batter for 40 strokes. Now is the time to stir in the nuts, the chocolate chips, the dank, whatever floats your boat.

Bake until centre is only slightly moist. This should take about 20-25 minutes depending on how gooey you want this shit; I have no fucking clue what ratio of uncooked brownie to cooked brownie you want and I just cook it for 25-30 minutes, so just experiment with that shit. Also toothpick test. Let it cool over the course of like 15-30 minutes.

Lift parchment/foil from tray and transfer delicious cooled brownie slab to cutting surface. The original recipe said to cut it into like 25 squares but that’s totally not enough brownie so I cut it into like 32 brownies to make it look like more brownie. There’ll be a shit-ton of brownie left on your knife so be sure to eat that and not be wasteful, there are children starving in Africa that would love to get their hands on that brownie and you don’t want them to eat, do you? Greedy fuck.

Devour all in like 5 minutes.


Gone Forever
Aug 31, 2017
Not exactly a great moment for Christian Weston Chandler, but here's a recipe to make the idea of recycled Fanta a little bit more palatable:

Creamy Fanta Float
  • Vanilla ice cream
  • Orange Fanta (I prefer Orange n Cream but its there for authenticity)
In a chilled float class, put in 2-4 scoops of the ice cream. Really, you can add how many scoops you want, but you'll need space for the soda.

Gentily pour the soda into the glass. It's important to let the bubbles recede before adding more. Pour until you fill up the glass.

Edit: I guess for better accuracy let the ice cream on the float melt a little. Drink it right away though
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True & Honest Fan
Dec 28, 2017
An old recipe, pre-2017, but:

An Amazing Banana (that fears no phony god):
  • Buy banana, wait until ripe
  • Preheat banana in anus
  • Pour hot oil on self to make heating process faster
  • Serve shitty with the optional side of the oil poured over body; make sure oil has seeped into the folds for added flavor
  • Euphoria


Dystopian Accountant
May 22, 2017
This recipe isn't really in honor of anyone in particular but it's easy enough for even the biggest of autists to prepare correctly without burning down their house. If you can't make this recipe properly, you should probably consider buying ramen noodles in bulk.

Autist Friendly Sweet Rolls

Dough Recipe
  • 4 cups wheat white flour (don't even think about using whole grain)​
  • 1 package dry yeast​
  • 1 cup cow m1lk (this stuff better come from bovine titties and not a plant)​
  • 1/3 cup white granulated sugar​
  • 1/3 cup butter (from a cow, margarine doesn't have the right flavor)​
  • 2 grade A large chicken eggs​
  • 1 teaspoon salt (you can leave this out if you have to monitor your salt intake)​
Pre-heat the oven to 200 °F. Set 2 cups of flour aside and mix the rest of the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl, beating for at least 3 minutes to ensure a homogeneous mixture. Mix in the other 2 cups of flour slowly. Turn out dough onto a floured surface and knead for 6 to 8 minutes or until stiff. Grease the mixing bowl. Shape the dough into a ball and put it back into the bowl. Turn off the oven and place the dough in it to rise until doubled (this should take less than an hour). Once the dough has risen, pull it out of the oven, punch down on it, divide it in half, and let it rest for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Sauce
  • 3 tablespoons butter​
  • 1/2 cup white granulated sugar​
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon​
  • other spices may also be used at this stage, I would suggest items like orange rind, pie spices, or rum​
On a floured surface, take half of the dough and roll it out into a roughly 12x8 inch rectangle. Be careful not to tear the dough and remember to keep your rolling pin floured so that it doesn't adhere to the dough. Melt together the sauce ingredients and pour enough over the dough to wet the surface, you may need to make more sauce. Roll the dough starting from it's longest side as if it were a jelly roll and seal the seams. Cut it into roughly 1 inch thick slices.

Caramel Sauce
  • 2/3 cup granulated brown sugar (it doesn't matter if it's light or dark)​
  • 1/4 cup butter​
  • 2 tablespoons light corn syrup (all you health-nuts, use the corn syrup or suffer a thin and unappetizing sauce)​
Get an oven-safe baking pan; I usually use a 2 inch deep and 16 inch in diameter tin, but you can use multiple smaller ones. Melt the ingredients in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring the entire time. Pour the sauce in the baking pans. At this point, you may add chopped pecans or walnuts if you so desire. Place the rolls in the prepared pans. Place them back in the oven to let them rise (around 30 minutes). Once they have risen, heat the oven to 375 °F and let the rolls bake for 20-25 minutes. Once finished, invert the rolls onto a serving tray. Make sure to scrape any residual sauce from the bottom of the pan with a spatula and place it on the rolls. Let the rolls cool before you eat them or you will end up with second degree burns in your mouth and the emergency room staff will laugh at you behind your back while they're treating you. Remember, you might be missing a chromosome, or have a couple too many, but that's no excuse for not eating well or injuring yourself while imitating standard human behaviors.
Did you try this recipe? How did it turn out? Did you decide that mountain dew and doritos were appropriate side dishes? Did you decide to cook while naked and accidentally burn your scrotum on the oven door? Tell me all of this and more in the comment section below, you may be here for the sugar based deserts, but I prefer the salty ones you produce.

RG 448

SolidMario cookies:


1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 cups flour
4 tablespoons milk
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
(I typically make sugar cookies with a tsp of baking soda as well, but left it out to prevent rising and distortion of the cookie shape)
Powdered sugar
Food coloring

1. Pre-heat oven to 350°.
2. Mix all of your ingredients together, added the flour last.
3. Chill dough for 30 minutes.
4. Using a floured surface, roll out the dough using a floured rolling pin. For this cookie, I made it about 1/2" thick. Cut cookies and place on the cookie sheet.
5. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until golden.
6. While these cookies are cooling, make your dipping frosting. I made a very simple version using powdered sugar and milk. You only need a small amount of milk mixed with the sugar to create a nice, consistent dipping frosting.
7. Separate your frosting for colors — I needed yellow and white. I made a small piping bag of the white for the eyes and colored the remainder of the frosting yellow for dipping.
8. Once your cookies have cooled, dip them and use a drying rack to let the excess frosting drip.
9. Chocolate frosting

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