Let's Play Devils Advocate... -

[LordCustos3]

Okay, y'know how it is not possible to "hear" the "tone of voice" of something typed into a text window.
Sometimes it is possible to accidentally hear sarcasm or snark where there is no snark or sarcasm intended. After awhile every innocent conversation on da innernet sounds like Daria talking to Daria in snide quips, even when the content is actually neutral.

So....let us play a quick game of Devil's Advocate.

Here's three points to ponder
1) Da Chris'tard is fascinated with the idea of having psionic/magickal powers; and sometimes seems to honestly believe he possesses such abilities.
2) He wants a girlfriend so badly that any "psychic assistance" will be exploited.
3) Any response to anyone offering "psychic assistance" will be muddled because Da Graet Direcktor is as articulate as stroke victim whose native language is Low Weetard, and he isn't even fluent in it.

Now, with that in mind, here are two comments posted very recently to the internet.

Hi Christian. I am sending you good energy.

Whoopee. That'll bring pretty, single, well-organized women around to make the first move on me. (:0

Now, of course, our first instinct is to hear that a sarcastic rebuke. Like he's saying "Ohhhhh....suuuuuurrrre....your New Age (ppfffft) 'Energy' is soooooooooo useful. I'm sure it'll reaaaaaaaallllly help me cast a spell to make allllllll the pretty girls love me." in a flat monotone, while rolling his eyes in disgust.

But lets not forget....Chris is a proto-shaman, and all this new age piffle is REAL to him.

From: nasugrave@mail.com
Dear Mr. Chandler,
As a long time reader of Sonichu, I have a question I would like to ask. If you had the ability to use magic, what would your top 5 spells be and what would be their names? When you answer it, I would love it if you did it in this format 1), 2), 3), etc. with 1 being the weakest. Also, what spell would you use to counter other spells? Thank you for reading this!
Your friend - Nasu Grave!

1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

He thinks he can use "energy" to Curseyahamemeha people.
He also thinks he can use "spells" to make girls love him.

I know this is a slim, slim chance....but what if he was being sincere?
What if -- instead of being a douchey ingrate, he was being a muddle-minded schizophrenic?
What if his real intention was to say "Yaaaaaaayyyyy! Now I can get all the pretty, single well-organized women around to come to me! Muuuhaahahahaha. Mrs. McLerrans donation gives me the Mana I needed! Muuuuuhahahahahaha!!!"
He always wanted to "cast" a "spell" called "Come to me, my Women".....and NOW he has enough "energy" to do it.

Discuss.

 

[Globe]

Maybe I'd be more willing to accept that if he didn't start with the "Whoopie." deadpan. Oh, and if every facebook post he'd made up to that point hadn't been a bunch of pessimistic whiny bullshit. Chris still believes in a lot of things that he did two or three years ago (curses, energies, God and Jesus, etc.) but his belief in the efficacy of those things has really clearly diminished.

 

[Midnight Kissy Bull]

Oh, wait, you wanted a real discussion...

 

[Batman VS Tony Danza]

I think his magical thinking is now limited more to physical items like hair talismans or Lego figures that represent people. I think depression and cynicism has ruled out many of the more abstract mystical bullshit he'd pull out of his ass.

He was just being a dick in the status update though.

 

[DangDirtyTrolls]

You put way more thought into what Chris says than he does.

 

[random_pickle]

I voted that he was being serious, mostly because of this:

Chris cannot interpret rhetorical comparisons. He ignores the point the speaker is trying to make and focuses on the 'exact' meaning of the phrases they use. Examples:[10]
Kacey's Father: You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.
Chris: Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots! …
Kacey's Father: I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.
Chris: You barely know what a Windows is?
Kacey's Father: Don't… Don't patronize me.
Chris: I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?
Kacey's Father: What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that.

Because of this I really can't imagine Chris understanding sarcasm much less use it.

 

[Cute Anime Girl]

I voted 'He's just being a douche' because even after this incident every time Anna's mom tried to be nice to Chris he has just given a douchy reply. A good example is when Anna's mom told Chris he'd look better if he cut his hair.

 

[BillRiley]

Ya know, I voted "Douche," but now I'm not so sure. :? Several times I've over-estimated Chris-Ch­an's intelligence and it's made me a bit wary. I'm still leaning towards "he's just being a douche" but I suppose it's possible he's being serious.

 

[Coldgrip]

Chris once believed he had magical powers, but after being the dog in America's favorite game of Kick the Autistic I'm pretty sure he's given up on the whole magick schtick.


Edit: I voted douche.

 

[QI 541]

Chris's intelligence may fluctuate, but he's always an asshole.

I vote douche.

 

[Marvin]

The problem with him potentially believing in Mary McLerran's potential magic is that the issue of loneliness actually matters to Chris. Like, for example, I also argue that Chris is/would be very good at paying his electricity bill. Why? Because he knows he can't will his PS3 into working without electricity. If there's one thing he'll pay on time, it'll be his electricity bill.

Same thing with girlfriends. Chris isn't going to bet the farm on goofy magic shit. If something isn't 100% vital to his identity or daily life, he'll be a lot more willing to believe in goofy magic shit.

Chris was being an asshole to Anna's mom there.

 

[_blank_]

I'm going to have to vote that he was just being a douche. Although I don't think it has been documented, but I think I can safely say that if Chris still does believe in any magical powers anymore, only he and he alone would be able to command them. Anyone else is but a mere "ant in the afterbirth" of his amazing powers.

 

[Lefty]

When I read that, it never even occurred to me that Chris was being anything less than serious. I've never seen anything that would indicate that Chris is even capable of sarcasm that level or even subtlety.

Kacey's father told him that Kacey read books like Chris probably stuffed candy down his throat. Chris promptly corrected him by saying that he stuffed vegetables down his throats. The reasons you guys are saying that hes just being a douche make perfect sense but my vote goes for serious. While the "Magic" of Chris Chan has diminished quite a bit we have to remember that this was the same guy who was shooting "Curse ye me ha"s at people and tried to scare off trolls with a stupid ass story about his own ghost haunting them. That level of child-like imagination doesn't die out quickly. I think in that particular instance he wasn't being a douche.

 

[homerbeoulve]

Honestly, when I first saw this title I thought that someone made a game out OPL that named Devil's Advocate. Anyway, Chris is delusional.

 

[José Mourinho]

Just being a douche for me.

 

[Agouti]

I'm pretty sure Chris only ever believes in magic if it pertains to himself. My guess is that he was just being a sarcastic douche since Anna's mom isn't bringing him an 18-31 year old white boyfriend-free girl on a platter.

 

[BillRiley]

I'm pretty sure Chris only ever believes in magic if it pertains to himself. My guess is that he was just being a sarcastic douche since Anna's mom isn't bringing him an 18-31 year old white boyfriend-free girl on a platter.

I dunno. I can't remember the last time Chris used sarcasm. In fact, I'm not sure Chris is even capable of using sarcasm.

 

[Tubular Monkey]

I think Simon and Garfunkle were singing about Chris when they said, "A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

 

[Agouti]

I'm pretty sure Chris only ever believes in magic if it pertains to himself. My guess is that he was just being a sarcastic douche since Anna's mom isn't bringing him an 18-31 year old white boyfriend-free girl on a platter.

I dunno. I can't remember the last time Chris used sarcasm. In fact, I'm not sure Chris is even capable of using sarcasm.

I didn't think it was possible either, but Chris tends to surprise people every once in a while.

 

[CatParty]

Yeah his recent discovery of sarcasm has made him a bigger douche.