Let's Sperg Let's Sperg: Darkest Dugeon -

[Randall Fragg]

TAHAHAHA, Guess what everybody! I just got a fucking mansion! My fucking Uncle, or granddad, or whatever kicked the bucket, and guess who gets the inheritance. Me, The Commander.
He even sent me a deathbed letter. Old fucker musta been, like, alzhiemers or something, cause it's all rants about how "ruin has come to our family" and how I must "reclaim our birthright from the ravenous clutching shadows". Well, he's in a better place now.
So, I now have a fucking weed palace, and who better to scope the place our than my two most loyal bros, Tyce and Eli? We headed out to the moors, and I'm writing this from a carriage traveling towards the estate known as "Kiwi Farms", whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.
Wish me luck gamers! The quest to reclaim Kiwi Farms has begun!

So, how this will work is I'll post an update whenever I get enough time to play Darkest Dungeon. You guys get to have something of a say, in that you can decide what missions to undertake, what heroes and equipment to bring, and what abilities those heroes should have. Or you can just have a hero named after you and watch as they inevitably die.
Here goes nothing...

 

[Ol' Slag]

Can you name me as a highwayman? Also, can we vote for you to go completely torchless?

 

[Randall Fragg]

Can you name me as a highwayman? Also, can we vote for you to go completely torchless?

I don't normally go torchless, so that will be fun for everybody involved.

 

[Ol' Slag]

I don't normally go torchless, so that will be fun for everybody involved.

Been trying to do perfect on this gamr. Got to like week 45 and died to some bullshit. I had to take a break for a while. If you name a highwayman after me, I hope he dies a glorious death due to a stress culminating to a heart attack.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Week 1.
Well, this is bullshit.
Okay, so, basically, the fucking cart broke down and we had to walk all the way to the hamlet.

Spoiler

And then we run into this motherfucker.

Spoiler

Fortunately it was a quick fight, as I gave tactical commands from my fortified tactical command post behind a bush, while Tyce and Eli took care of the disrespectful little bitch. Doesn't he know that I own this place?
Good thing I've played, like, 200 hours of New Vegas, so I had the idea to look in the bandit's camp.
Jackpot.

Spoiler

With that, we pushed forwards towards the hamlet.
This is what we found waiting for us.

Spoiler

Fuck, they said it would be "a bit of a fixer-upper". Not, like, a fucking bombed out Islam country. What the fuck?
Well, this is home. Just me, Eli, Tyce, and two assholes we found wandering around screaming about "slaying the evil under the soil".
They were a bunch of speds, so I decided to humor them by leading them into the tunnels underneath the town to "slay the evil". Only brought one torch, figured that by the time it burned out they'd have realized that there's no spooky shit going on and come back to help me and Eli set up the weed growing operation.

Spoiler

That may have not been, like, the smartest of choices, because it turned out that Tyce's rambling about the skeleton war maaaayy have been right. As in, we walked right into a pack of fucking skeletons.
What the fuck dude, that's not fucking cool.
Tyce attempted to negotiate with them while I took up a tactical position in a large urn. Apparently negotiations quickly broke down, because the skeletons started chattering at Tyce while he attempted to get them to join us. That's when they started taking swings at us.
Fortunately, they were total faggots, and went down after a few shots by Eli and being read excerpts from The Analchest Cookbook by Tyce.
With the skeleton war having been proved to be real, and negotiations between Kiwi Farms and the Skeleton Army proving fruitless, there was only one thing to do. From the safety of my tactical urn the group tore their way through the darkness, taking out tangos left and right, whenever they popped up like fucking 5 Nights At Freddys robots.
In the end, we achieved victory.

Spoiler

We returned back to town, for Kiwi Farms to plot it's next course of actions. The Skeleton Terrorists are not completely defeated, and we must push deeper into their bunkers. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to make an ultra-cool gamer mansion if i have to deal with fucking skeletons every 5 minutes?

Spoiler: Week 2

Our current mission options are:
A Short skirmish or scouting mission.
or a Medium Explore or Cleanse mission.
The Scouting and Exploring give pretty good loot.

 

[Ol' Slag]

Week 1.
Well, this is bullshit.
Okay, so, basically, the fucking cart broke down and we had to walk all the way to the hamlet.

Spoiler

View attachment 147076

And then we run into this motherfucker.

Spoiler

View attachment 147079

Fortunately it was a quick fight, as I gave tactical commands from my fortified tactical command post behind a bush, while Tyce and Eli took care of the disrespectful little bitch. Doesn't he know that I own this place?
Good thing I've played, like, 200 hours of New Vegas, so I had the idea to look in the bandit's camp.
Jackpot.

Spoiler

With that, we pushed forwards towards the hamlet.
This is what we found waiting for us.

Spoiler

Fuck, they said it would be "a bit of a fixer-upper". Not, like, a fucking bombed out Islam country. What the fuck?
Well, this is home. Just me, Eli, Tyce, and two assholes we found wandering around screaming about "slaying the evil under the soil".
They were a bunch of speds, so I decided to humor them by leading them into the tunnels underneath the town to "slay the evil". Only brought one torch, figured that by the time it burned out they'd have realized that there's no spooky shit going on and come back to help me and Eli set up the weed growing operation.

Spoiler

That may have not been, like, the smartest of choices, because it turned out that Tyce's rambling about the skeleton war maaaayy have been right. As in, we walked right into a pack of fucking skeletons.
What the fuck dude, that's not fucking cool.
Tyce attempted to negotiate with them while I took up a tactical position in a large urn. Apparently negotiations quickly broke down, because the skeletons started chattering at Tyce while he attempted to get them to join us. That's when they started taking swings at us.
Fortunately, they were total faggots, and went down after a few shots by Eli and being read excerpts from The Analchest Cookbook by Tyce.
With the skeleton war having been proved to be real, and negotiations between Kiwi Farms and the Skeleton Army proving fruitless, there was only one thing to do. From the safety of my tactical urn the group tore their way through the darkness, taking out tangos left and right, whenever they popped up like fucking 5 Nights At Freddys robots.
In the end, we achieved victory.

Spoiler

We returned back to town, for Kiwi Farms to plot it's next course of actions. The Skeleton Terrorists are not completely defeated, and we must push deeper into their bunkers. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to make an ultra-cool gamer mansion if i have to deal with fucking skeletons every 5 minutes?

Spoiler: Week 2

Our current mission options are:
A Short skirmish or scouting mission.
or a Medium Explore or Cleanse mission.
The Scouting and Exploring give pretty good loot.

Medium cleanse.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Medium cleanse.

Right, I'm gonna try and do this while crossfaded. Whichm me luck.

 

[Randall Fragg]

FUKIN HELL, ELI IS DEAD!
He got splashed by a fuckin skeleton, an got all fuked up in the brain like he got PTSD! Then he an hero'd
RIP ELI U FUCKING FAGGOT, YOU COULDn"T EVEN KILL A SKELETON!

ALSO, FUCK YOU TYCE! AND @Valiant YOU ALL ARE FUCKIN IN THE HEAD.
@Vitriol you did cool man, u show courgae under fire. :semperfidelus:

 

[Techpriest]

Put me in as the wierd dude with the sick as fuck mustache.

 

[Ravelord]

Put me as a Man-At-Arms, if you use one.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Week 3
It's been a week since Eli's death, and I'm just now coming down from all the shit I did at the wake. Tyce, Vitriol, and Valient are fucked up, so we're going to have to send in a group of rookies.

They're fresh off the carriage and ready to fight in the skeleton war.
Results?

Chris started sperging out during the fight about the skeletons were "dang dirty trolls" (???). Alog did pretty well when he attempted to get the skeletons to cease hostilities via his "stand up routine". The undead hordes screamed and ran off into the blackness, traumatized by his awkward joke telling.
Kylie mostly stayed in the back and called everyone else "land stealing white devils", between shoving band-aids over the sucking chest wounds incurred from fighting the skeletons.
Mortal_Wombat basically kicked ass.

Week 4:
Okay, so, we've received some disturbing reports from Manfred the Tavern Keeper that the skeletons may not be our only problem. Late last night he heard some sort of horrible squealing come from the alley out behind the tavern. He figured it was just Tyce huffing jenkim back there, so he barged out and encountered...something. It was like a pig on two legs, rummaging around the trash heap and feasting on a chunk of moldering cheese. Upon seeing him, the beast squealed something like "die sis scum" and loped off towards the woods. Further investigation the next morning found a set of tracks leading back to a cave system deep in the forest.
We're sending in a team to scout this new threat.

It started out slow enough. Pushing into the caverns we uncovered a group of bandits camped out, and made short work of them. Got some stashed loot as well.
Around that time we found the body carts.

Fortunately, we packed some cleansing herbs, and basically were able to fuel the fight from the corpse wagon.
Unfortunately, as soon as we had packed the last of the edible people jerky into our packs, we ran across the guys who's food it was.

They were horrible, horrible beasts. They loped in, drooling and dripping with blood and filth, and started screaming once they saw our party. A gutteral chant went up from the horrors: "die cis scum, die cis scum". Their leader, a big, tusked motherfucker with a bunch of tattoos of bicycles, screeched about how we were violating their "safe space" and how we needed to "remove thine hateful words from our warrens".
In response to these squealing, gender-indeterminate hambeast's retarded demands, Mortal_Wombat shoved a tactical halberd in their face, and we commended with the slaughter.
Celebrated with the freshest bacon I've ever had.

 

[LD 3187]

If possible i want to be a grave robber and die horribly.

 

[alex_theman]

Can I be a hero name?

 

[Randall Fragg]

Can I be a hero name?

After 25 days, the answer to that is yes. You were a jester.
Speaking of which,
WEEK 5: OPERATION WUPOCALYPSE
I've assembled a team of rookies to head down into the Man-Swine tunnels and basically scope it out. We can't fight them if we don't know where they are.
Our intrepid team consists of KylieBrooks, JollyCat, Chris and Patty, and Alex_TheMan.

We have set forth into the Trannybunker, to purge and purify.
UPDATE:
Okay, we ran into a group of trannies and their pet worms (ew, not that kind of work faggot). Alex_TheMan was quickly covered in acid spittle and torn to shreds. :semperfidelus:
With the death of a faithful Marine fresh in our minds and messily splattered over our clothing, we venture deeper into the labyrinth.
UPDATE 2:
Hahahahah, holy shit, get a look at this dumb mother fucker.

He's got, like, a fucking bird cage on his head, what a fucking faggot ahahaha. I dared JollyCat to call him a stupid looking birdcage faggot, but the puss wouldn't do it. Bird Cage Faggot has just been kind of staring at us, so I'm totally gonna do it, he's gonna get pranked so hard.
UPDATE 3:

ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.
How the fuck is this mother fucker so powerful? Like what the fuck, he starts summoning an army of floating zombie heads. That's unfair tactics you mother fucker.
After being set upon by Bird Cage Faggot, we beat a hasty retreat, only to again be ambushed by the ManSwine and basically get 9/11ed by bullshit tactics. Chris shat himself and started crying about how everyone else was "jerkops" (what the fuck does that even mean?), Kylie started furiously pounding the air claiming that they were doing something called "tweeting", and JollyCat became so overwhelmed with rage that he started screaming at one of the big ugly trannys, clutched his chest, and keeled over.
It was then that I decided to pull a tactical retreat.

RIP you stupid faggots.

Quick teaser for next time:

 

[Solzhenitsyn]

Can I be a houndmaster? Or a plague doctor, I ain't picky.

 

[Burned Man]

If you need a replacement Leper I volunteer. I'm only 90% likely to go nuts at the first tough encounter.

 

[Randall Fragg]

WEEK 6: HIGHWAY TO THE FERGIZONE
We're down 2 people, low on supplies and cash, and generally speaking do not have a very fucking good tactical outlook.
As Commander, I've made plenty of tough decisions. But this one has got to be one of the toughest yet.
We're opened up a path in The Ruins. A chance to stab at the festering commanders of the Skeleton War.
It's time to strike. We risk it all in one, desperate run.

With Tyce taking the lead, a furious vengeance burning in his eyes over the death of Eli, we head into the skeleton swarmed catacombs, to finish the fight.
At least, they should have been skeleton swarmed. And they were...at first. Then Tyce started screaming his head off about "fuk da police" and "skelintin wur now", and started doing these dank sword moves. Most of the skeletons fled, rebuked by his superior blademasta skills. The few that were foolish enough to remain were swiftly cut down.
Breath held, we crept towards Mr Bone's Wild Ride, fearing that every step would be our last. We kicked in the door, and charged.
Spoiler
The dude was a total fucking pussy. We basically owned him. Sonichu pulled his faggot ass back whenever he tried to movie back behind his skeletons, and Tyce cut him up while reading from The Analchest Cookbook.

In a matter of seconds, the necromancer was even more dead, basically reduced to bone meal for our weed farm. .
After that, we stripped everything we could carry from the dungeon and walked away all badass like.

DARKEST DUNGEON: WHERE THE RANDOM LEVEL-GRIND MISSION IS HARDER THAN A FUCKING BOSS RUN!

 

[Jaimas]

Goddamnit I was going to do this.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Goddamnit I was going to do this.

Feel free to take over, I have trouble keeping these going for very long. I'll just send all my heros into the Darkest Dungeon and see what happens.

 

[Jaimas]

All right. I'll get the ball rolling from the get-go.

Anyone who wants to be a specific class let me know, otherwise I'm choosing based on personality/tendencies.