Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami - A sporking by NotAKitty

[Florence]

I was bored. Story by “D’arkY’agami”.

Spoiler

Chapter 1 A NEW BEGINNING OF ACTION!



Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark YagamiAN: Hi thanks for reading! Please rate high! Note this story has some cusses but its Light's dad that says them so its pretty funny. Also if you know what Light's mom is called please tell me lol!


Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami


It was a hot day and Light came home from school. As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side.


...Japan drives on the left. No shit it’s not American.

He walked in the front door to find his dad Soichiro and his mom (AN: I cant remember her name sorry!). They looked surprised to see him.


"Mom dad what's going on?" Light asked them.


"Light we have something to tell you" said his dad while playing with his mustache.


"This is your twin brother Dark Yagami" they both said together, and pointed to the guy in the corner of the room.


Dark looked exactly the same as Light except that he had black hair and was dressed like Mello (but Light hadn't met mello yet so he didn't know that ). He got up and walked across the room.


"Hi bro! I'm Dark!" he said lolling and offered his hand to shake.

Did it look like this?

"How could you not tell me about this!?" Light shouted like mad.


"We sent him to a top secret orphanage in Whales (its a town in England) where he would learn to be the next L.


The only thing Winchester and Wales have in common is that they’re both in the UK and start with ‘W’. It could be worse, though. The author could have said Welwyn Garden City.


We can't tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him" his mom said.


So they sent Dark off to Wammy’s house to keep him safe from Kira… who didn’t exist then.


Light was crazy and punched table.


"I'm going to my room! Come on Sayu!" he said and Sayu (Light's sister lol!) followed him upstairs.


"I'm sorry light I wanted to tell you about Dark but mom and Soichiro wouldn't let me."


"That's ok!" Light replyed "Your my sister and I know how much you love me!"


"Thanks Light!" they hugged.


"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" It was Dark.

I think he just saved this fic from turning into Mahouka.

"Come on Dark I've got something to show you" Light said and they went into their room (Light's parents had made light's bed into a double bed (I know what your thinking sickos no theres no slash!)).


No slash, but copious amounts of homoeroticism.


Light put the pencil in the door to stop people listening and said "I'm Kira".

Is the pencil supposed to poke them in the ear or something when they try to listen in?

Dark immediately shooted "I know it!"


"Your a worthy successor to L I know why your his successor now." Light said.


Light, you are a horrible judge of character.


"Don't worry bro I wont tell anyone. In fact I have a death note of my own." Dark replied pulling a blood red notebook out of pants (he put it there in case his bags was searched).


That must have chafed.


"Hey your death note is a different colour to mine" he said pointing to the black death note in Light's draw.


"Stop saying colour! Your in America Japan now! Its color!" Light replied exaspirated.


"Sorry lol" Dark said.


"This is my shinigami" he said and light saw a big monster appear. He was like twice the size of Ruyk and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls. Even Light was scarred of him. He was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood.


Blood bananas are made of blood? YOU DON’T SAY.


"He's big" said Light as the shinigami bit down on a blood banana "What's his name/"


"MY NAME IS BLUD" said Blud as he kept eating the blood banana "I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEATH NOTE THAT KILLS ANYONE WHOS NAME IS WRITTEN IN IT EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW THERE FACE OR NAME"


You write their name that you don’t know?


"I have to unpack now said Dark


"Ok I will leave you to it" Light replied and exited the door.


Dark took his cellphone out of his special place (AN: figure it out for yourself lol!) and pressed the L button.


Wut wut?


L's phone began to ring


"Hello who is this how did you get my number?" L said angry.


"I am D" Dark said "I have killed Mello and stolen his clothes and run away from Watari's house."


"What?! But Watari would have told me if M was dead." L said shockingly.


"I also killed Watari" said Dark who was playing with his red death note.

L looked around his room. Watari was still standing in the corner just like he always did.

Must be genetic.

"But who's this with me then" L asked?


"A fake"


At that moment Watari took his mask off and it was (GASP!) Light's dad!


Who can apparently teleport, given he was in Japan and/or America at the start of the story.


"Die you pies of shit!" Soichiro said as he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Ls head.


TO BE CONTINUED!? (yes!)

Chapter 2 I explain some stuffs



FLASHBACK: 1 month ago


FLASHBACK: 1 month ago


Watari House, England


Mello was sitting in his dorm eating a chocolate bar. The floor was covered in lots of chocolate bar wrappers which went crunch when Mello stood on them.

"Everyone's a fruit and nut case~"

There was a knock on the door.


"Come in!" said mello putting down his chocolate.


The door spun open to reveal Dark standing wearing a dressing gown with a posh letter D on the back. He had an evil smile on his face and an even eviller one in his heart.

Wave goodbye to the decent simile, cause there won't be another one for quite some time.

"Where is Near?" asked Dark puzzled.


"He is near" joked Mello.


"Ha ha very funny" replied Dark.


"Ok he's gone to Scotland today but will be flying back this evening. Until then we'll be alone" Mello started zipping his leather vest thingy "Want to have some fun?"


I thought there was no slash?


Dark grinned and nodded. In a flash Mello had removed his close revealing just a set of black boxer shorts printed with lots of posh letter Ms.


Dark pulled an pistol out of his dressing gown and pointed it at mello.


"Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean your hot." said Dark and shot him and stole his clothes (but not the boxers obv!).


Top 10 Anime Betrayals


"I say! what's all this noise!" said Watari coming in the room. He saw Dark's gun and shouted


"Bloody bugger! You shot Mello! Now who will kill Kira"?


Dark shot Watari again and he fell to the floor shouting. Then he stopped shouting and died.

Once he had escaped the house, Dark took his mobile (AN: that's what English people call cellphones) and called a mysterious phone number.


"Hello? Who is this?" asked the mustached man.

Soichiro, like Ron Jeremy, is defined by his moustache.

"I am your son Dark. The one you abandoned 19 years and sent to a boarding school in England. Well I have escaped now and I need you to do me a favor and dress up like Watari and confuse L."


"How do you know about Watari?" asked the dad who was very confused.

He's not the only one.

"I killed him!"


There was a surprised gasp but then Soichiro came back and said he would do it but only if Dark came back to live with them in America and/or Japan. Dark agreed but he didn't have money so he would have to hide in a box and fly in an airplane and hope he didn't get spotted.


ONE WEEK LATER


Soichiro took the trunk off the spinner and carried it to the car. Noone but him knew that Dark was hiding inside it. They went through the x ray machine but that was no danger because the box had lead in it and that confused the machine and stopped the x rays being seen. Once noone could see them Soichiro opened the box and Dark jumped out.

Lead box + Dark + Dark's bags = Soichiro is fucking ripped.

"Good job dad!" said Dark as he jumped into the car.


"Now take me to Light. I have a lot of interesting things to say to him…….."


PRESENT DAY


L dodged Light's dad's bullets and ran across the room. He hid behind a pile of candy and said "Stop Soichiro! I can help you"


That must be one big pile of candy if it can fit a grown man behind it.


Then Soichiro ran over and said "I know I have not really betrayed you. Instead I have learned that Dark killed Watari and Mello." L was shocked.

There's more betrayals and double-crossing in this than in an entire season of Game of Thrones.

"In fact I think that Dark is Kira"


"Of course! It all makes sense now!" shouted L. "He framed his twin brother when in fact he is killing people somehow. We have to stop him!"


"I think I have a plan……." Said Soichiro twisting his mustache like an evil guy.

Soichiro = Terry-Thomas???

DON'T WORRY THERE'S MORE SOON!

If anyone wants to help out, shoot me a PM.

 

[ES 148]

terry-thomas doesn't deserve to have his good name mixed with this fanfic

 

[Ido]

I know nothing about death note but i will absolutely adore this fic rn. Please more.

 

[Florence]

Chapters 3 and 4. My commentary in bold.

Spoiler

Chapter 3 Misa and Sayu do sexy stuff!



BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE


Light switched on the news. There were lots of evil people on tv so he wrote their names down and killed them. Dark meanwhile was still unpacking his box which was full of detective stuff he had been given while he was at Watari's house.


The door bell rang and Light shouted I'll get it! He ran down the stairs and opened the door. It was Misa!


Misa was wearing a lacy dress but it wasn't all goth like her old one. Instead it was white and had blue skirt which was short.

At least it's not fishnets *cough*Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way*cough*

"Ah Misa! I am happy to see you!" Light said hugging. He looked around sacredly his mom was in the next room and might hear him.


I know Light has a god complex, but I don’t think he is God.


"Did you bring the" he winked "homework" he winked again.

Yes.


"Come with me" he said and they went upstairs.


Light and Misa went upstairs and knocked on the door.


"Hang on I'm getting changed" said Dark.


"Ok he's probably naked so you can't go in there. Wait out here for me" said Light to Misa as he opened the door.


Once Misa was alone Sayu came out the closet (get it!? : P ).

*rimshot*

"Hey Misa! I know your secret!!" she said.


Misa tried to look calm but the fear in her eyes said a different story. She was very frightened because this girl might know the truth and she would be in trouble.


"I don't know what your talking about" she said scared.


"I know that you and Light and Dark are Kira and your killing people"


"NO! Don't tell people! You have to keep it a secret" Misa screamed.


Well, there goes any attempt at plausible deniability.


"Ok. I won't tell L on one condition you have to sex with me."


Misa looked surprised. She stepped back and gasped.


"Your a lesbian?" she asked curiously.


"Yes. Why are you?" Sayu said back sexily.


"I am vicarious" Misa replied as she took her dress off and walked into Sayu's room.


vicarious

ADJECTIVE

· Experienced in the imagination through the feelings or actions of another person.


Hmmm.

Meanwhile in Light's room Light and Dark were talking about the new powerful death note.


"I GOT IT BECAUSE I KILLED THE OLD KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND THAT MADE ME THE NEW KING." Said Blud "THE KING GETS A POWEFUL DEATH NOTE THAT LETS HIM KILL WHOEVER HE WANTS AND ALSO HE GETS A PALACE AND A WIFE AND ALL THE BLOOD BANANAS HE CAN EAT"


"Let's try it out" said Light.


"Ok to test it lets kill this guy." He pointed to a tall ugly guy on the tv. The man was fat and was presenting the weather.


"But I don't know his name" said Light confused.


"You don't need to. All you need is the face." Replied


Light wrote in the death note and sure enough, the man died!


How do you write a face?


"Oh my god that is so good!" said Light amazed as he watched the man roll around the floor dying. "Now let us try it on more tv people….."


Light’s hatred of the media is apparently equaled only by Trump.


Meanwhile back in Sayu's room Sayu and Misa were both in there underwear. Sayu was wearing a blue Nike sports bra and short and Misa was wearing a bikini with glitter on it that was shiny against her blond hair. Misa let her hair down and said to Sayu "you look so hot"


Sayu leaned over and began making out with Misa. Quickly she unbuttoned Misa's bikini and it fell to the floor leaving her topless. Sayu then took her own underwear off and she was naked underneath. Misa squeaked as Sayu began moving down and frenched her neck.


Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Sayu cussed and went to the door. She opened the door at and it was…… Dark!

Dark:

He looked shocked and said "my sister's a lesbian!" Sayu realised she was naked and slammed the door shut.


"F-CK OFF YOU PERV! MOM AND SOICHIRO SHOULD NEVER HAVE ADOPTED YOU BACK" she screamed.


"I'm sorry Misa but we'll have to do this some other time" said Sayu.


Misa winked back and said "I hope so" and grinned. She took her cloths and put them on and climbed out of the window so noone would see.


When she was alone she took Misas bag that she had left behind. She looked inside it and found a black notebook inside. She took the secret cellphone her dad Soichiro had given her and called it.


"Hi dad! I did what you asked and got Misa's bag! There's a book inside and it says death note on the front and its full of dead people!"


"Excellent" dad replied "Now the game can begin……"

OH MY GOD WHAT! FIND OUT MORE NEXT TIME!






*Chapter 4*: Chapter 4 I forgot what happens but cool



AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)


AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)


THE NEXT DAY


Naomi walked in the front door of the police and asked at the desk for L. The woman behind the desk was hot looking and also she was bi.


"Hi! I'm Naomi! I need to speak to L!!" she shouted urgently "Kira killed my husband and I think I no who he is!!"


"So that means your single" the desk lady winked?


Naomi was taken at back. This desk lady was coming onto her?


"Naomi spelled backwards is I Moon" added the desk lady flirtyly.

Nothing quite so flirty as waving your ass around, am I right?

"I don't have time for this!" said Naomi anxiously as she took the desk ladies number to call her later and maybe have sex and ran into L's office.


L looked surprized.


"Hi I'm! Naomi. You don't know who I am but I'm from the Fbi and my husbands from the Fbi but he's also dead because he was killed by Kira and I want to hunt him down but I think I know who he is!!" Naomi gasped.

...So why don't you?

He replied "I think I can help you then. Please sit down" L replied pointing to the chair that was covered in candy.


"I can't sit on that!?" Noami said because the candy was all sticky and melted and eaten and it didn't look to good either. L then got all the candy off the chair and picked it up and began eating it. The site was truely one to behold as the small wrinkly fairy man began shoving bits of sugar into his mouth.

Great, now I've got an image of L as a gnome child stuck in my head.

Naomi fought she was going to puke but then she stopped herself and sat on the chair that L had just cleaned for her.


: "So you wanted to tell me something??..."


MEAN WHILE AT LIGHTS HOUSE


It was the early morning and Light and Dark were in bed together but only because there parents were to poor to get separate rooms its not like their gay or anything! Light came all over the bed from the window of the room. Dark reached round and grabbed the cock from the table. It was seven oclock.

"WHEN CAN I HAVE MY BREAKFAST IT IS ALREADY SEVEN AND IN THE SHINIGAMI WORLD I WOULD EAT LIKE A DOZEN MEALS BY NOW BECAUSE I AM KING. PLEASE GET ME A BLOOD BANANA." Said Blud as he danced around the rrom. Dark laughed at the dance it was like the Ketchup Song but it was about blood not ketchup though shinigami sometimes used blood as ketchup because it was blood. His mowhawk was bouncing everywhere. It was like the one on sonic the hedgehog but it was not blue.


But what about his arms?


Dark got out of bed and put on some cloths. He kept the blood bananas in a special case because other people might eat them thinking they were not blood bananas and get a mouth full of blood banana and blood. He threw the blood banana at Blud who imeddiatly went town on it until there was nothing except a skin which he could eat but didn't because there poisonous but not to a shinigami.

"why can't i have a blood banana" asked Ruyk sadly as he ate an apple and felt left out. He was not allowed to eat blood bananas because he was not the king and was not safe to the poisons inside them……………

That's why he can't have a blood banana.

BACK AT THE POLICE!!


"Kira is…… Mikami!"


"That bastardly hound!" said Lights dad who was pretending to be English.

No, no, it's the Hound of the Baskervilles.

"I know he is Kira because he went on Tv and he was evil!" she said.

Yeah, that really narrows the list of candidates down.

"You did the right thing coming to us" said L. "Now we will kill him and put a stop to his evilness once and for all period"

"How many different words for 'stop' can we fit in one sentence?"

Watari took his sniping gun and ran the door out. L followed eating a candy bar and a coffee and got in his helicopter and flew to Mikamis house where the action was.

May I remind you they're still in Winchester?

Naomi went back to desk and flitted with the desk lady.


"Now were where we?" she said as she zipped her motorcycle jacket down and led the desk lady into a quiet closet that was almost empty except there was a mop in there and also some paint that the janitor used to paint things with. They made out for a bit.


"There's just one thing you should know" said Noami getting naked as she took her her jacket off and revealed a fancy suit that newsreaders wear underneath.


"I'm not really Naomi. I'm………………….. TAKADA!!"


AT MIKAMIS HOUSE IN A HELICOPTER


L turned on the sirens of the helicopter and shouted "come out with your hands up or I will shoot you!". There was no reply and Light's dad dressed as Watari shoot out a window just to show him he meant business and was not just some crazy guy in a helicopter.

...Are crazy guys in helicopters a common sight around there or something?

"This is your last chance" he shouted and threw a smoke grenade into the house. Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg. There was still no reply.


"I will have to use stealth instead" said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.

?

Mikami looked up in shock he wasn't expecting them and certainly not the crazy boy that had jumped the window. He was holding the death note with one hand and his broken leg with the other and it had the names of everyone he had ever killed written on it. That's how L knew it was the death note.


"MIKAMI IS IN TROUBLE" shouted Blud as he smooshed another blood banana into his already smooshed up mouth. One of the things good about being king of the shinigami is you could see all the death notes and Blud was using it to see mikami.


"If he talks I'm dead!" said Light panicking. He knew he should have not told Mikami how to make a death note even if he was an evil. Now he would write Light's name down! unless………………………?


BACK IN MIKAMIS HOUSE


"I'm not the real Kira" shouted Mikami who was scared. He knew that there were laws against Kira and if he was caught then the jig would be up.

I think those laws are against murder in general, not just being Kira.

"Then whose the real Kira?" asked L.


"Tell us you f-cking scumbag!!" added Lights dad who was holding a knife to his neck like the joker did. He was mad with rage and his mustache was covered in spit and it was pretty rank really.


"I'll tell you! It's Light Yaga……." Then he died.


"What! He just died and he never told us the name! Now we'll never know who it was!" L raged and punched in a wall. He was strong for his looks and made a big whole.

Apparently two-thirds of someone's name is useless. Doubly so when you're standing next to the guy's father.

MEANWHILE IN THE JANITORS CUPBAORD WHERE TAKADA AND THE DESK LADY WERE SEXING


"Oh this is so good" mooned the desk lady who was now naked. The stuff that was going on was pretty grafic and I don't want to make this fic M so all I'll say is that it was sexy and Takada was using mop but was naked (you'll have to figure out how for your self rofl!).

Suddenly Takada collapsed to the floor and the desk lady started screaming. She was death noted!


Blud stopped watching the naked couple and went back to Light

Blud just likes to watch you guys.

"tAKADA IS DEAD!" HE SAID


"Just as planned" evilled Light putting away his death note.


OMFG!! TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

[Ido]

Chapters 3 and 4. My commentary in bold.

Spoiler

Chapter 3 Misa and Sayu do sexy stuff!



BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE


Light switched on the news. There were lots of evil people on tv so he wrote their names down and killed them. Dark meanwhile was still unpacking his box which was full of detective stuff he had been given while he was at Watari's house.


The door bell rang and Light shouted I'll get it! He ran down the stairs and opened the door. It was Misa!


Misa was wearing a lacy dress but it wasn't all goth like her old one. Instead it was white and had blue skirt which was short.

At least it's not fishnets *cough*Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way*cough*

"Ah Misa! I am happy to see you!" Light said hugging. He looked around sacredly his mom was in the next room and might hear him.


I know Light has a god complex, but I don’t think he is God.


"Did you bring the" he winked "homework" he winked again.

View attachment 435989

Yes.


"Come with me" he said and they went upstairs.


Light and Misa went upstairs and knocked on the door.


"Hang on I'm getting changed" said Dark.


"Ok he's probably naked so you can't go in there. Wait out here for me" said Light to Misa as he opened the door.


Once Misa was alone Sayu came out the closet (get it!? : P ).

*rimshot*

"Hey Misa! I know your secret!!" she said.


Misa tried to look calm but the fear in her eyes said a different story. She was very frightened because this girl might know the truth and she would be in trouble.


"I don't know what your talking about" she said scared.


"I know that you and Light and Dark are Kira and your killing people"


"NO! Don't tell people! You have to keep it a secret" Misa screamed.


Well, there goes any attempt at plausible deniability.


"Ok. I won't tell L on one condition you have to sex with me."


Misa looked surprised. She stepped back and gasped.


"Your a lesbian?" she asked curiously.


"Yes. Why are you?" Sayu said back sexily.


"I am vicarious" Misa replied as she took her dress off and walked into Sayu's room.


vicarious

ADJECTIVE

· Experienced in the imagination through the feelings or actions of another person.


Hmmm.

Meanwhile in Light's room Light and Dark were talking about the new powerful death note.


"I GOT IT BECAUSE I KILLED THE OLD KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND THAT MADE ME THE NEW KING." Said Blud "THE KING GETS A POWEFUL DEATH NOTE THAT LETS HIM KILL WHOEVER HE WANTS AND ALSO HE GETS A PALACE AND A WIFE AND ALL THE BLOOD BANANAS HE CAN EAT"


"Let's try it out" said Light.


"Ok to test it lets kill this guy." He pointed to a tall ugly guy on the tv. The man was fat and was presenting the weather.


"But I don't know his name" said Light confused.


"You don't need to. All you need is the face." Replied


Light wrote in the death note and sure enough, the man died!


How do you write a face?


"Oh my god that is so good!" said Light amazed as he watched the man roll around the floor dying. "Now let us try it on more tv people….."


Light’s hatred of the media is apparently equaled only by Trump.


Meanwhile back in Sayu's room Sayu and Misa were both in there underwear. Sayu was wearing a blue Nike sports bra and short and Misa was wearing a bikini with glitter on it that was shiny against her blond hair. Misa let her hair down and said to Sayu "you look so hot"


Sayu leaned over and began making out with Misa. Quickly she unbuttoned Misa's bikini and it fell to the floor leaving her topless. Sayu then took her own underwear off and she was naked underneath. Misa squeaked as Sayu began moving down and frenched her neck.


Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Sayu cussed and went to the door. She opened the door at and it was…… Dark!

Dark:
View attachment 435963

He looked shocked and said "my sister's a lesbian!" Sayu realised she was naked and slammed the door shut.


"F-CK OFF YOU PERV! MOM AND SOICHIRO SHOULD NEVER HAVE ADOPTED YOU BACK" she screamed.


"I'm sorry Misa but we'll have to do this some other time" said Sayu.


Misa winked back and said "I hope so" and grinned. She took her cloths and put them on and climbed out of the window so noone would see.


When she was alone she took Misas bag that she had left behind. She looked inside it and found a black notebook inside. She took the secret cellphone her dad Soichiro had given her and called it.


"Hi dad! I did what you asked and got Misa's bag! There's a book inside and it says death note on the front and its full of dead people!"


"Excellent" dad replied "Now the game can begin……"

View attachment 435961

OH MY GOD WHAT! FIND OUT MORE NEXT TIME!






*Chapter 4*: Chapter 4 I forgot what happens but cool



AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)


AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)


THE NEXT DAY


Naomi walked in the front door of the police and asked at the desk for L. The woman behind the desk was hot looking and also she was bi.


"Hi! I'm Naomi! I need to speak to L!!" she shouted urgently "Kira killed my husband and I think I no who he is!!"


"So that means your single" the desk lady winked?


Naomi was taken at back. This desk lady was coming onto her?


"Naomi spelled backwards is I Moon" added the desk lady flirtyly.

Nothing quite so flirty as waving your ass around, am I right?

"I don't have time for this!" said Naomi anxiously as she took the desk ladies number to call her later and maybe have sex and ran into L's office.


L looked surprized.


"Hi I'm! Naomi. You don't know who I am but I'm from the Fbi and my husbands from the Fbi but he's also dead because he was killed by Kira and I want to hunt him down but I think I know who he is!!" Naomi gasped.

...So why don't you?

He replied "I think I can help you then. Please sit down" L replied pointing to the chair that was covered in candy.


"I can't sit on that!?" Noami said because the candy was all sticky and melted and eaten and it didn't look to good either. L then got all the candy off the chair and picked it up and began eating it. The site was truely one to behold as the small wrinkly fairy man began shoving bits of sugar into his mouth.

Great, now I've got an image of L as a gnome child stuck in my head.

Naomi fought she was going to puke but then she stopped herself and sat on the chair that L had just cleaned for her.


: "So you wanted to tell me something??..."


MEAN WHILE AT LIGHTS HOUSE


It was the early morning and Light and Dark were in bed together but only because there parents were to poor to get separate rooms its not like their gay or anything! Light came all over the bed from the window of the room. Dark reached round and grabbed the cock from the table. It was seven oclock.

View attachment 435960

"WHEN CAN I HAVE MY BREAKFAST IT IS ALREADY SEVEN AND IN THE SHINIGAMI WORLD I WOULD EAT LIKE A DOZEN MEALS BY NOW BECAUSE I AM KING. PLEASE GET ME A BLOOD BANANA." Said Blud as he danced around the rrom. Dark laughed at the dance it was like the Ketchup Song but it was about blood not ketchup though shinigami sometimes used blood as ketchup because it was blood. His mowhawk was bouncing everywhere. It was like the one on sonic the hedgehog but it was not blue.


But what about his arms?


Dark got out of bed and put on some cloths. He kept the blood bananas in a special case because other people might eat them thinking they were not blood bananas and get a mouth full of blood banana and blood. He threw the blood banana at Blud who imeddiatly went town on it until there was nothing except a skin which he could eat but didn't because there poisonous but not to a shinigami.

View attachment 435986

"why can't i have a blood banana" asked Ruyk sadly as he ate an apple and felt left out. He was not allowed to eat blood bananas because he was not the king and was not safe to the poisons inside them……………

That's why he can't have a blood banana.

BACK AT THE POLICE!!


"Kira is…… Mikami!"


"That bastardly hound!" said Lights dad who was pretending to be English.

No, no, it's the Hound of the Baskervilles.

"I know he is Kira because he went on Tv and he was evil!" she said.

Yeah, that really narrows the list of candidates down.

"You did the right thing coming to us" said L. "Now we will kill him and put a stop to his evilness once and for all period"

"How many different words for 'stop' can we fit in one sentence?"

Watari took his sniping gun and ran the door out. L followed eating a candy bar and a coffee and got in his helicopter and flew to Mikamis house where the action was.

May I remind you they're still in Winchester?

Naomi went back to desk and flitted with the desk lady.


"Now were where we?" she said as she zipped her motorcycle jacket down and led the desk lady into a quiet closet that was almost empty except there was a mop in there and also some paint that the janitor used to paint things with. They made out for a bit.


"There's just one thing you should know" said Noami getting naked as she took her her jacket off and revealed a fancy suit that newsreaders wear underneath.


"I'm not really Naomi. I'm………………….. TAKADA!!"


AT MIKAMIS HOUSE IN A HELICOPTER


L turned on the sirens of the helicopter and shouted "come out with your hands up or I will shoot you!". There was no reply and Light's dad dressed as Watari shoot out a window just to show him he meant business and was not just some crazy guy in a helicopter.

...Are crazy guys in helicopters a common sight around there or something?

"This is your last chance" he shouted and threw a smoke grenade into the house. Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg. There was still no reply.


"I will have to use stealth instead" said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.

View attachment 435953

?

Mikami looked up in shock he wasn't expecting them and certainly not the crazy boy that had jumped the window. He was holding the death note with one hand and his broken leg with the other and it had the names of everyone he had ever killed written on it. That's how L knew it was the death note.


"MIKAMI IS IN TROUBLE" shouted Blud as he smooshed another blood banana into his already smooshed up mouth. One of the things good about being king of the shinigami is you could see all the death notes and Blud was using it to see mikami.


"If he talks I'm dead!" said Light panicking. He knew he should have not told Mikami how to make a death note even if he was an evil. Now he would write Light's name down! unless………………………?


BACK IN MIKAMIS HOUSE


"I'm not the real Kira" shouted Mikami who was scared. He knew that there were laws against Kira and if he was caught then the jig would be up.

I think those laws are against murder in general, not just being Kira.

"Then whose the real Kira?" asked L.


"Tell us you f-cking scumbag!!" added Lights dad who was holding a knife to his neck like the joker did. He was mad with rage and his mustache was covered in spit and it was pretty rank really.


"I'll tell you! It's Light Yaga……." Then he died.


"What! He just died and he never told us the name! Now we'll never know who it was!" L raged and punched in a wall. He was strong for his looks and made a big whole.

Apparently two-thirds of someone's name is useless. Doubly so when you're standing next to the guy's father.

MEANWHILE IN THE JANITORS CUPBAORD WHERE TAKADA AND THE DESK LADY WERE SEXING


"Oh this is so good" mooned the desk lady who was now naked. The stuff that was going on was pretty grafic and I don't want to make this fic M so all I'll say is that it was sexy and Takada was using mop but was naked (you'll have to figure out how for your self rofl!).

View attachment 435987

Suddenly Takada collapsed to the floor and the desk lady started screaming. She was death noted!


Blud stopped watching the naked couple and went back to Light

Blud just likes to watch you guys.

"tAKADA IS DEAD!" HE SAID


"Just as planned" evilled Light putting away his death note.


OMFG!! TO BE CONTINUED!!

Amazing, my brain just melted.

 

[Florence]

Amazing, my brain just melted.

The next chapter is where it really takes a nosedive off the cliffs of sanity.

 

[Florence]

Chapters 5 and 6 are up!

Spoiler

Chapter 5 We meet Yotsuba&! and Matt!



FLASHBACK YESTERDAYFLASHBACK YESTERDAY


Matt got on his motorbike and was racing across the country faster than a speeding bullet. His googles were flapping in the wind and his mission was clear. He would revenge the death of mello if it was the last thing he did!


Impressive, considering the world’s greatest detective had no idea he was dead until Dark told him.


He went even faster on his motorbike because it would be dark soon and he couldn't see anything except the light bits because of his headlights. It was a 3000 mile drive and the speed limit was like 30 and he knew that if he was going to get where the action was at he would have to be going fast and went faster.


GOTTA GO FAST


Suddenly he stopped suddenly. He saw the taillights of a Porch up ahead and the driver was laughing like mad and something about the car just didn't seem right some how.


Was it the fact that the name was spelt incorrectly?


He stepped on it and did a wheely because the road was abandoned and because he was going fast the wind running past his ears like a nascar on steroids only faster.


He got out his gun and shooted at the back window of the porch. It shattered and swerved all over the road and Matt had to yell "what are you doing you f-cking syko?" and jumped in the back window.

Porch? Is the other guy driving a mobile home?

The driver was a tall skinny man with greasy hair called Yotsuba and he was laughing and driving and writing something in his book as he drived.

?

Matt looked at the book even closer and he noticed something to his horror! IT WAS A DEATH NOTE!


FLASHBACK A BIT LATER THAT DAY


later as Yotsuba got to the end of the road Matt made his move and he jumped in drivers seat and grabbed the wheel.

You'd think Yotsuba (yes, the author seems to have confused the company and the employee) would have noticed the guy who jumped through his back window earlier.

Yotsuba screamed like a little girl only manlier because he was big and covered his face with his arms. The car crashed into a wall and exploded in a ball of flame! One of the drivers died instantly and the other stole the death note and jumped back on his motorbike and drove off. It was…… you'll have to find out later! P


Press ‘P’ to pay respects.


PRESENT DAY


"LIGHT WHAT THE F-CKING HELL WERE YOU F-CKING DOING KILLING NOAMI AND MIKAMI!?" screamed Dark as he punched Light in the gut pretty hard and Light screamed.


"I HAD TO DO IT OR THEY WOULD HAVE SAID OUR NAMES TO THE POLICE AND WE'D BE ARRESTED!" he replied.

Genius plotter, he is not.

"Oh ok" said Dark clamming down a bit and putting his shirt back on


"But we need to take more care in the future" Dark added as light rubbed lotion on his sore tummy.


Blud came in the doorway.


"I HAVE BAD NEWS MATT SURVIVED THE CAR CRASH!" he said madly as he chowed on down on a blood banoffee pie that misa had made earlier because she was a good cook from the tv at least in the movie.

She cooks recipes from off the TV? Is she a cook on TV? Does she cook TVs? I NEED ANSWERS.

"What car crash?" said Light. His gut was really hurting and also it was bruised bad too.


"Oh I didn't tell you my death note can also kill people in the past and I am going to write his name in it in the future to kill him in the past and stop him stealing the death note" said Dark pointing to his royal death note.


"Then why is blud telling me now not in the future?" light said as he scratched his head


"Its one of those time parradoks that they have in back to the future" Dark replied and picked up his death note.

?

He picked up the death note and wrote "matt dies yesterdays in a car crash" and the death note glowed a funny color which meant it was doing stuff in the past.


MEANWHILE IN THE PAST


Suddenly matt was back in the car and before he knew what the hell was happen he jumped and grabbed the steering wheel and the car crashed again but this time Yotsuba survived and he climbed out just before there was a big explosion that was like ten times the size of a normal explosion because the death note had done magic to it and threw bits of Matt all over the road. It was a sick site not least because the bits of matt were squishy in places and his goggles were on fire and so was his hair and there was blood allover the road which made Yotsuba lose his lunch and that made things even sicker.

Yotsuba picked up Matts psp and decided to take it with him to play with on the train. He laughed evilly again and took Matt's motorbike and drived to the railroad where he took a train to light's town


BACK IN THE FUTURE.


L looked at the death note sayu had stolen from misa. There was some rules in the front but he figured how it worked anyway because he was a genius and worked it out.

Or he, y'know, read the rules.

He picked up a pen from the desk and said "time to test this bad boy out"


He opened the book and wrote……… Light's mom!

The Death Note only kills people whose real names are written down in it. This means that Light's mom's name is Light's mom.

NEXT CHAPTER COMING SOON AND IT WILL BE PRETTY INTENSE SO WATCH IT! ALSO REVIEW PLEASE!






*Chapter 6*: Chapter 6 maybe last chapter or not!



This is probably the last chapter though I may add some more after ~ it all depends whether people like itThis is probably the last chapter though I may add some more after ~ it all depends whether people like it! VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"WHAT THE F-CK ARE YOU DOING RYUZAKI" shouted Lights dad at L as he wrote his wifes name in the death note.


"Don't worry I have a plan but I hope this works…" he replied as he pulled a second death note out of his bag but this one was glittery and white and made of silk and said life note on the front…

IN LIGHTS AND DARKS HOUSE


Light's mom jumped through the door and said in a strange voice that was not hers "I AM L. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE KIRA DARK YAGAMI AND I AM GOING TO REVEAL IT TO THE WORLD AND THEN ARREST YOU LATER"

Why not the other way around?

"Holly shit!" muttered Dark as Light's mom danced around the room under the control of the death note which was making her say all these things.


"ALSO I AM NOT DEAD YOUR PLAN TO KILL ME FAILED BECAUSE I AM SMART ENOUGH TO MAKE SOICHIRO ON MY SIDE." She continued (though it wasn't her saying all this crazy stuff it was L using the death note)

Infodump time!

Lights mom pulled a knife out of her apron and held it against Dark and sayd "I DON'T HAVE THE EVIDENCE YET BUT IF YOU COME WITH ME TO THE WAREHOUSE THEN I THINK WE CAN COME TO AN AGREEMENT"


Then she fell over and dyed of a heart attack.

L didn't really think this through, did he.

"L YOU F-CKING MANIAC YOU KILLED MY WIF!" Lights dad yelled as loud as loud as he could which was pretty damn loud cos he was a cop.


"Not so fast" replied the short messy detective man and wrote "Lights mom comes back to life" in the life note.


There was a blinding flash of light and a noise like a bunch of angles signing and Lights mom got up and came back to life.

Triangles? Pentangles? Angles and Saxons?

"Your alive!" cheered Soichiro as he glomped Light's mom to the ground.

In case you hadn't noticed before, Soichiro is ever so slightly OOC.

BUT WHATS GOING ON BACK AT DARKS HOUSE?!?!


"WTF!" shouted Light "we have to go to the warehouse again but this time we don't have mikami!" he shouted.

"He was the only one who knew how to use the GPS!"

"Calm down Light" dark said "I have another plan and this will end the story once and for all."


They went to the warehouse and L was waiting for them there. Near was there as well and he was playing with some toy robot or something I don't know its not really important.


"I have come of my own three will but it appears that it was not needed for you have not proofed that I'm Kira!"

"That's were your wrong!" L replied


"You don't have any evidence that I'm kira" said Dark triumphantly


"But you came here. That proves that you are kira!!!!" L decryed

Dark was so shocked that he fell to the floor screaming! How could he have given himself away so easily!? But he still had his trump card waiting in his pants! He reached into his pocket and took the royal death note out of his pocket.


He didn't know Ls name but he didn't have to! He wrote L in the book and straight away the detective fell over and started dying!


"How are you doing this" asked L forcefully as rolled on the floor suffering heart attacks and pain.


"Because my shinigami is the king of the shinigami and has the power to kill anyone even if you don't know there name!"


At that moment Blud appeared in front of Dark and said "THAT'S WHERE YOUR WRONG MY SHINY HAIRED APPRENTICE. YOU SEE I ONLY PRETENDED TO BE YOUR SHINIGAMI BUT IN FACT I WAS L'S ALL ALONG. I GAVE HIM A LIFE NOTE AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WRITE L'S NAME IN IT AND HE WILL COME BACK TO LIFE AS GOOD AS NEW AND YOUR PLANS WILL HAVE BIN FOILLED!"

*Halo announcer voice* BETRAYAL

L wrote L Lawleit in the life note and jumped back to his feet. He looked mad and said "OK THAT PROVED THAT YOU WERE BECAUSE YOU KILLED ME!"


L put the handcuffs on Dark


"Now I have put an end to your rain of terror kira. I hope our paths never cross again!"


Blud then whispered in Darks ear "I don't actually work for L he only thinks I do when really I work for you"


Dark repled "I know… everything went exactly as planned!"

IN PRISON


Prison life was good to Dark because he was kira and everyone in prison was his b-tch. He could eat lots of prison food and because he had given L a fake royal death note and not the real one he could hipnotise prisoners into doing illegal stuff for him and then dying without the guards catching on.


Then one day he wrote the names of everyone in the prison and all the guards and stuff too and made them dig a tunnel out. When L found out he was mad!

Like the Great Escape, except even more people die at the end.

"How did he escape the prison!" L asked ponderously as he chewed a big old mouth of gummy candy and gum. Then he looked at the royal death note and noticed it was a fake and got even madder!!

How can you tell if a Death Note is fake? Is there a Made in China stamp on it?

"I'LL GET YOU DARK YAGAMI IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!" he cried


MEANWHILE AT THE YAGAMI HOUSE


"Welcome back Dark" said Lights mom who didn't remember all the dying and mean stuff she said earlier. Also he had Blud wipe Soichiros head so he would forget to.


"Me and misa are going steady" said Sayu to dark "Want a threesome" she winked?


"Better make it a foursome!" joked Light Yagami and everyone laughed.

THE END…


Miles away Yotsuba was just getting off his train holding the death note he had stolen from Matt.


"Now the party can really begin!"


OR IS IT?!?!

 

[Namesarehardtocomeupwith]

ok dark is cool and all but here's the million dollar question

she unbuttoned Misa's bikini and it fell to the floor leaving her topless

how do you unbutton a bikini? Asking for a friend

 

[Florence]

ok dark is cool and all but here's the million dollar question



how do you unbutton a bikini? Asking for a friend

Do bikinis even have buttons?

 

[Florence]

Chapters 7 and 8:

Spoiler

Chapter 7 not last chapter now!



THANKS FOR LOVIN MY STORY! AND THE CRIT! I WILL STOOP PUTTING NOTES IN BRACKETS! (EXCPET THIS ONE LOL!)


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


The nuclear bom went off like a bom and blew up the street and some houses and a car too .


I’M NUCLEEEEAAAAAAAAAR

I’M WIIIIIIIIILD


"WHAT THE F-CK WAS THAT" belowed Dark putting his cloths on.


"I was probably just a dog or a bom or something. Cum back to bed" said Misa Sayu,, Light, light's mom and that girl from the bus who were having a sevensome in the basement bed to hide frim Soichiro.


B-but there’s only six of them…



But Dark jumped out the window and fell like 20 feet and landed on a barbeque which was on but he was hard so he didn't catch fire and he ate a burger as he looked at the big hole that the bom had made in the road.

"F-------------------------------------------------CK!" he screamed spitting bits of burger all over Light's dad who had cum to see what had happened to.


"MY CAR!" lights dad scream looking at the scratch in the paint that the nuclear bom had made.


Dark put on a spacesuit and stepped out into thw hole. It was the biggest hole hae had ever seen because it was as big as a bus and nearly as deep. The middle was all radiactiv so he had to make sure he dint stand in the radiactiv that had coverd stuff in green.


In the middle was a tall slimy man covered in green with a magic death note.


"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM YOTSUBAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the man said being all creepy because he had dead in the bom and was a ghost. "USE YOUR LIFE NOTE TO SAVE MEEEEEEE BEFORE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

So derk saved him and life noted him back to life.


"BIG MISTAKE!" he screamed throwing him at him.


"DARK! NO" shouted light's mom. She gotted from Dark wat she never got from Soichiro nad his creepy mustache and sexed loads of times a day now. If he died then shed have to go back to sexing other people. "DON'T DIE! I GET FROM YOU WHAT I NEVER GOT FROM SOICHIRO AND HIS CREEPY MUSTACHE!!!"

Incest is bad.

Then yotsuba got a gun and fired fast at dark but he was too fast and missed and shot a light instead and everything wnet dark.


"I failed my master!" yotsuba said to L.


"Don't worry! I will send you again if I don't kill you cos im so dam mad!" said a mysterious detective. "but first, I will send my apprentice and he has grey hair."


"Wherer is he?"


"He is… NEAR!"


"When will he cum?"


"The time is…….. NEAR!"


"Will he beat Drak ones and for all?"


"Darks end is………….. NEAR!"


"What is his name...?"


"His name is……" then the phone rang and it was the magic phone aht talked to the president.


I don’t think there’s anything all that magical about it.


"YES MISTER PRESIDENT. NEAR IS DEAD. I WILL SEND MY NEW APPRENTICE INSTEAD THEN. SEND HIM IN AIRFORCE WON NOW!"


L turned back into Yotsuba.


"HIS NAME IS……………………………… HAL LINDER!"

So it’s not Near?

Then a plane landed . It was the air force. Hal walkedi n and toked out his gun.

One plane is the whole air force? I'm starting to think this story takes place in the UK after budget cuts.

"I WILL SHOOT DARK AND HE WIL DIE OR MY NAME ISN'T HAL Q LINDER!"


It isn’t. It’s Halle Lidner.

Also, she's a woman.

Using a teleport note L had found in Russia he teleported back to Lights house in amercia.


Clearly L was colluding with the Russians to rig the results of the Kira investigation.


He gotted the gun and shot Dark and he died.


"No! That wasn't me!" shouted Dark running. "That was my brother……………………………………………………………….. Light Yagami!"

Who, according to this fic, has a completely different hair color.

There was a minute quiet for Light. Then he got life noted back.


"Few! I thought I was a boner there!"

"We all fought that." Said Misa and stopped hugging him because he wasn't one.


"I HAVE ALSO FAILED said Hal.


"Then I will send my last agent said L.


Meanwhile Light and Dark and Misa and Sayu and Lights mom and that girl from the bus had gone back the basement and were naked and sexing and stuff. Sudanly, Soichiro jumped in.

"NO! My wife! And my daughter! And my son! And my other son who is an evil guy! And his girlfriend! And a girl from the bus! All sexing together!"

"try to understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said lights mom getting up. Then she knew she was naked and put on a vest.


"OK! But only because I looooooove you!" Soichiro said and hugged them all except the girl from the bus who flet a bit left out.


Suddenly she took like five guns out from under her pillow and pointed them to everyone.


"Let's stay calm and not do anything rash!" shreked Light dancing around like a little girl. She pulled the gun and a bullet came out. Everything went all matrixy and light's mom could only watch in horror as the bullets came and hit dark and they died.


"Tell… my… mom…. I…. love………………………. Her!" said dark before he died.


"Dark is dead and the world is safe!" said the girl fro mthe bus teleporting back to L. She was a hero and got on tv and stuff and there was a parade for her. Everyone was happy except for a few sad people and they were all called Yagami except Misa who was not called Yagami but she was called Anime and that's quite close.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


IN THE SHINIGAMI WORLD!


"Now I have bcome the new king of the shinigami!" roared Dark as he shot Blud and took his royal death note and blood bananas.


"BEFORE I DIE DO ONE THING FOR ME! GIVE…… ME… A…… BLOOD … B…A…N…A…N…N…A…N…A"


So BLud ate a blood banana and died happy.


"Now time to maek a few changes around here!" said Dark turning into a shinigami. He was as a big as a bus and was wearing leather pants which dint hide his super big man thingy which was the size of a bus and twice as wide.

His hair was every color of the rainbow but only in dark black like oil or something. His seventy-nine eyes all burned a diffrent shed of red except one which was gold because it contained the tiny good part of his sole.

Not his plaice, then. Or his halibut.

His deathnote changed too. It turned rainbow black like his oily hair and got new words on it. And they said…………….… EVERYTHING NOTE!


"NOW I CAN DO EVERYTHING!" he mumbled


THIS MUST BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






*Chapter 8*: Chapter 8 SOME SLASHING IN THIS CHAP!



THANKS FOR READING! THIS CAHPTER HAS SOME SLASHING IN IT AND ALSO SOMEON DRINKS SOME WINE DO DON'T READ IF YOU H8 ALCHOL! ALSO THANKS TO EVERY1 FOR LOVING MY STORY AND ALSO FOR THE REVIEWS EXCEPT FOR THE HATTERS WHO FOUGHT THERE WERE TROLLS IN THIS FIC! THERE ARE NO TROLLS THO I MAY DO A GOLBIN ONE DAY. MORE REVIEWS PLEASE.


ALSO REVIEW!


The world of the shinigami was very cold except for the hot bits and also some bits that were alright and that was where Dark was because he was the new king of the shinigami.


"BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW KING PUNNY MORTALS! Dark said in a very kingish way


All the other sinigami bowed there heads off because they loved him so much in a nonsexy way except the women.

Bow your heads and pretend to be serious.

"we love you DARK." They cried.


"I AM NOT DARK ANYMORE! FROM NO ON MY NAME WILL BE……….. DU'ARQ!"


Everyone did the new name dance and then there was a feast with twelve turkeys and a pig and a soup made from blood bananas and this was served with blood wine and not alcholic blood wine for the kiddies and also there was mineral water to. They were in the big cafeterria of the palace and the walls were made gold but it was red gold made of bones and brains and other organs.

...I don't think that's what 'blood gold' means.

Du'ark gotted up and made some toast.


"I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE BUS GIRL WHO SHOOT ME BECAUSE THANS TO HER I AM NO WKING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT OF HER BECAUSE I WOULD NOT BE DEAD OR AT LEAST AS DEAD AS I AM WHICH IS NOT VERY BECAUSE I AM A SHINIGAMI"


"hiphiphooray!" they cheered and then a DJ came on and they all danced the night away to some beats.


The next morning D'uarq climed out of his royal bed with the four hundred women he had sexed with naked last night. He locked out of his window at New York and said "I WILL GO HOME!" and he jumed out the window and landed in his neyborhood.

Big, black, sleeps with hundreds of women... Wilt Chamberlain, is that you?

Loads of people screamed and some more went poop in there pants. There was a million feet monster now in the city and his name was………….. DA'ARQ! spelled inconsistently.


"PEOPLE! I MEN YOU NO ARM!" he echoed and blew up a tower so people wood listen and not rjust run and scream a lot which they were. The stopped and turned and lookd at him and everyone wa amased by how hansom he was specally the women.


"I HAV CUM TO GE TREVENGE ON THE ONE WHO KILL ME! AND HIS NAME IS………………. Ll!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


BACK AT HE HOTEL!


Watari who was not dead because he had CPR (for bullet wounds?!) was watching lost when suddenly they was a newsflash. A monser was attacking new york! And that minster was…….. DU'RAQ!

With or without WMDs?

HE ran over the building and jumoed over the couch and a fire and found himself in Ls room.


"MASTER!" he roared bristihly! "THAT FOOLISH WANKER DA'URQ IS IN NEW YORK AND HES KILLING SOME POOR SODS!"

I guess that 'mean you no harm' stuff must have been a , huh.

Then he gasped all scandalsed and stuff. L was in bed sexing! And the person he was sexing was……………….. Light!

Atari watched for a few minites and then said "WELL WHAT DO HAVE WE HERE!" "MARSTER L IS WANKING WITH MY GOOD FELLOW LIGHT! OH DEAR GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


They were all embarrassed and finished up fastly and got dressed.


"That was good and also quiet sexy," side Light as tey got in the helicopter and flew fast to the city where Duarq was fighting.


"Thank you I tried hard and you were also sexing well too" mumbled L as they went over the Hudson and could see were D'aurq was and he was tall. There was fire and smoke and then they saw that he was pantless because he was busy sexing again.

"OH NO MY BLOODY EYES!" Watari bellowed. "THANK THE QUEEN NONE OF THE WEE NIPPERS CAN SEE THIS CHAP MAKING AN ARSE OF HIM BY HIS FORNIKATIONS!"


Darq reached in his pokeits and pulled out a big black shiny book that shined in the big sun like oil or gas or that paint you get on cars sometimes.


"HE HAS A DARN EVERYTHING NOTE! THAT TIT IS TAKING THE PISS NOW!"

He got out a pen and it was a shinigami pen. The big bit was made of the leg bone of an elephant and the end was made of gold. The ink was blood but it was mixed with oil to make it black and siny. There were skulls and stuff on it and also eyeballs wich could read every thing you made and say it was spelled write.

Behold! Magical spellcheck.

He wrote fast "The helicopter bows up!"


"WE MUST GET THE WANK OUT OF THIS SODDING CONTRACEPTION!" and watari held a parachute and jumped out. L andl Ight joined him just before a helicopter exploded.


"WHAT THE F-CKING PISS DO WE DO?" roared Watari


"I have a plane………." Mumbled L with thoughts….

Correction: he had a plane.

 

[Florence]

9 and 10 are up.

Spoiler

Chapter 9 SAYU GETS A PLANE!



I GOT FIFETENHUNDERD VIEWS ON THIS FIC! THANX FOR THE READINGS! YOU GUYS ARE ROCK!!!! ALSO I JUTS READ TWILIGHT. ITS ALL GIRLY BUT EMET IS BADASS!


CHOAS! was happening in new York city where every one was running about like mad because of the big the monster that was going crazy and taking out some buildings and some dudes too. That monser was Dark Yagami who was calld Da'urq but is not (AN: IT WAS TOO HARD TO SpELL LOL!).


Da’urqa da’urqa, Mohammed jihad.


Explosions were happen and one of them was a plane.


Fallling from the plane fast like a brick was L and Light and Atari who had parachutes.


When people talk about the Atari crash, I don’t think this is what they mean.


"How did I get in this mess lover?" asked L and they shot passed a skycraper because they were gay and did slash.


…Is the skyscraper supposed to be some kinda phallic symbol or something?


"Well Light replied it all started when I met my brother Dark Yamiga. Littel did I know he was non other than kira and killed mello and stole his clothes and came to America with a royal death note and killed some dudes and my sister was a lesbean and then beat you and become a Shinigami and then a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ’You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.’" (AN: In case you forgot witch you shudnt because it was awesome but a long time ago so you may forgot!)


"ENOUGH OF YOUR RUDDY FLASHBACKERY YOU SODDING ARSES!" said the britih man getting pissed. Off


They laned in the street and ran to ls other plane which was a harriar jump jet and was painted with all pink and lame and not badass like darks jump jet which was black and had skull and crossbones and a turbo and a spoiler 2.


I didn’t even know Dark had a jump jet.


They rocketed into the sky like a rocket and landed on Darks giant dude thingy which was big enough to land a plane on so they did.

"Brother!" roared L


So that’s what L stands for: Liquid!


"STOP!" screamed light like a girl.


"LISSEN YOU F-CKING WANKER!"


Dark lissened to Watari because he was a bad arse and wielding too sniper rifles one in each hand.


The effect was ruined somewhat by the fact he was standing on Dark’s penis, however.


"TELL US WHAT THE WANK YOU ARE BLOODY DOING?????"


Dark said in his shinigamiest voice "I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND HAS THE EVEYTHING NOTE!"


Watrai gasped. "NOT THE SODDY EVERYTHING NOTE?!"


"Whats that do gramps?" asked L who was also Wataris grandkid but he only told him this not on screen.


…Does the author think the characters are real in another universe like OPL does?


"LEGEND TELLS OF A BOOK OWNED BY THE SHINIGAMI WHICH CAN DO WHATEVER THE BUGGERY ITS OWNER WANTS. DARK IS USING IT IN WAYS THTA WE WILL SOON LEAN!"


They flew up to his shoulder and looked at the book he was holding and writing stuff in. HE didnt have a pen big enough so he was using a nuclear missal filled with blood as ink and the writing was all red and green with blood and nuclears.


I’M BREAKING UP

INSIIIIIIIDDDDDEEEEEE


And he had written "I TAKE OVER THE WURLD IN 5 MINUTES" and his watch only had 7 seconds to go!


How do they know when he wrote it?


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed L as he glomped light and they sexed for 7 seconds.


Then there was a big bang!


Heh, ‘bang’ geddit? Cause they had sex.


When the smoke cleared!


DARK WAS KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!


HE started crying with happy but then stopped and man cried instead which was more manly.


"I AM SOOOOOO AWESOME!"


Everyone agreed and huged him except for one person who was flying towards him in a black jump jet with spoilers and a turbo and it was his jump jet and it had been stolen by someone we will learn in about a pantograph or so!


Useless fact of the day: a pantograph is the device that connects a train to a wire carrying current.


Dark was wearing a crown and a robe and a big cod peace that hid his dainty parts.


That’s got to be one big codpiece, given his ‘dainty parts’ are the SIZE OF A BUS.


"WE FAILLED YOU GODWANKED SODS!" watari britished dropping all his snipper guns and crying on the floor.


"DONT WORRY! I WILL PAY YOU WELL BECAUSE YOU WERE MY BROTHER AND YOU WERE MY BEST FREND AND YOU WERE HIS GRAMPA!"


And Light become the president and L became the emper of Japan because he japanish and Watari was the queen of England and also Scotland.


I think that’s the other way around.


Then a harriet jump jet screamed into view and shot a bunch of nucle ar missals! Dark tried to write "DESTORY THE NUCLEARS!" but he accidental blew up his pen insted becase it was nucelar.


Why do I get the feeling this segment was inspired by various Metal Gear games?


They hit him and stuff wnet back to normal! There was woosh and a bang and some little bangs and a whole bunch of magics going off at once.


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared Watara when he stooped being the queen.


"Thats for everyone!" sed a girl in the cab of the jet. And everyone cheered except for peeps who fought Dark was sexy which was quiet a lot of people but most peeps fought the girl in the cab was even sexyer and it was...................... SAYU!


"The army hiered me to fight you and kill you!" Sayu muttered over the speaker. "So i stoled your jet and shot you!" AND NOW I AM QUEEN OF THE SHINNIGAMI! Inuk chuk!"


Then she got giant and Dark went normal sized. She was as big as a tower and had a big chest which was so big it covered the sun.


Dark stumbled and sed "I thought you loved me!"


"NO I AM LESBEAN REMEMBER! I LOVE MISA AND ONLY YOU AS A BOTHER BUT NOT A LESBEAN!"

Who's this Mr. Les Bean she keeps mentioning?


STAY TURNED FOR THE NEW CHAPTER WHICH WILL BE FIGHT OF THE KING AND QUEEN OF THE SHINIGAMI! IT WILL MORE AWESOME YET! AND MORE SEXINGS WIHCH THIS CHAPTER FORGOT!






Chapter 10 Dark goes to france!



NO SHINIGAMI FIGHT THAT IDEA WAS DUM. THIS IS COOL THO! CAR CHASES WOOOO!


MEANWHIL IN FRANCE:


It was a sunny day. Some birds were high in the trees and making happy noises. Then a explosion.


"Whatez was thát?" they all assed in French?


It was........... a mystery!


BACK IN THE NEW YORK!


Sayu was mega sized and leaning over Dark. She poked him up and held him and he wiggled like a bugly man.


"I WILL BRING U TO JUSTICE!" she coffed and dropped him on L who got some hands cuff and cuffed him. Thy put Dark in a straight jacket and a blindfold and one of those wheelamajigs from silens of the lams.


But before he could go to the police car to go to the new house of his which was the prison Dark pulled a trick out of his sleeves!


What, with his straightjacket on?


He took the everything note and writ "GO BACK IN TIM!"


I see the author’s been taking spelling tips and plotlines from Tara Gillespie.


FOUR DAYS AGO IN FRANS!


Dark landed int he past and looked at some French dudes and also some French chicks. He was in francs.

"Watchez where tu are going!" a man screamed at him driving a cab. He was in the street!


"F-CK TU!" exploded Dark and looked at the clock.

It was nearly 3 o clock.


He knew Near was in the town today and he dead mystery only it would not be a mystery any more because Dark was gonna do it!


He went to a gun shop and bought a snipper rifle and a bunch of bullets. He only nedded one because he was a good shot but you cant buy one bullet so he had to buy a hole box. The rest he would put on ebay or something when he was don.

Oh, so that's where all those jihadis in France got their weapons from...

Then he climed the Eyfal tower to the top secret floor where noone new about and got his snipe out and looked for Near. He saw him near (Get it!)

a hotel but he had body guards and was safe for now.


"Damn something has changed. He knoes i kill him so hes looking out for me."


He stayed up the tower all night except when he went down for supper and got some cwasonns (Its a tip of French cake mad of bread!).


The necks day near came out of the hotle.


"THIS IS MY CHANCE" explained Dark at the top of his lunges and pulled the trigger. But Near pulled out a nerf (hes not allowe d a real gun cos hes a kid but his nerf fires real bullets) and shot the bullets out and also the scope of the sniper.

Lee Harvey Oswald, he is not.

"F-CK! HE SEEN ME!" bellowed Dark and jumped out the tower and laned in the river tames. He got out and saw Near!


He stoled a cab form a dude who said "GETTEZ BAQ HERE TU MER F-KEZ!" and speeded down the lane and hit some barrels that blew up and made fire and wind and blew a laddies skirt and he could see her pants and they were French.

"You can't catch me!" rofled Near as he got in a NASCAR and vroomed away. There was action and guns shot and a bullet nearly hit Dark but he did a nitro and dodged it and it hit a French bread instead so everyone was okay.



A guy started throwing knives at the car but the cab was knife proof. Dark grabbed one and throwed it back and it hit the guy and he blooded and died and there was so much blood Darks car went red.

Near did an hand break turn around the mona lisa church and smashed a window and drived through beeping to scare peeps away.

"TU WILL PAYEZ FOR THIS!" the preist swore as he locked at the smashed window and the other car witch was red jumpijng through it fastly. They wet real fast down the isle flashing there lights and shooting at eachother. Dark pressed a magic button and a machine gun came out and loads of bullets smashed Nears NASCAR. Lucky (or unlucky for dark!) it was a bulletpoof NASCAR.


They were almost out the church and ran through the doors and found themselves burning rubbers on the strrets outside. They were all stony and old and dark was getting stoned.

"I WILL TURBO!" he hollered and turboeed like hed never turboed before. He rammed Near BANG! Again BANG!"


"Stop that ! I just finished paying for this F-CKER!" Near squeeked like a mouse driving a NASACR.

So... like a mouse?

There were some lights ahead and they were red because it was the red light distict. (AN: that mens a place with sexy laddies!) Then there was a nother light which was red but it was a traffic light (AN: I do not think the france have these but it makes my chase cool so whatevs!)

Incredible. The one thing the author gets right about France, he thinks is incorrect.

WHOOOOOOOOSH!


They wooshed through. A car skiided to stop and hit anoter and that hit another. They all hit a tanker and it was carring nuclears so when it went up it made a massive fireball that chased Near and Dark down the streets burning everything in its path.

Fanfic directed by Michael Bay.

"NOOOOO! I MUST FASTER!" Near and Dark chanted and span round a corner.


It was magic fire so it could go round corners.

They both had to use all their turbos which made them so they flew over the Tames and laned on the highway. AND THEY WERE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

They doged round cars who beeped at them and they kept going like 300 killmeters an hour (an: killmeter is france for miles). Dark saw a sexy chick and he waved to her and she stopped and loked at the sexy dude and crashed so Dark rescued her fast.


"GRACIAS!" she thanked. "I fortez je was mort" (An: France for dead) "Jem apple Naomi"


"Naomi? Did you die in the cupboard sexing in chapter 4?"


"No that was Takada dressed as me." (AN: In case u forget!!)


"but how will we catch him?" Dark sed. "he is near (get it?!) the channel tunnel and then he can go to London."


"I am from Lodon!" she replied and showed him her knickers (AN: English for panties) wtich had the british flag on them.

"I believe you. LET PUT THIS PLANE INTO ACTION" he yelled as they floored into the tunnel to Eggland.

"Plane."

I KNOW NOAMI WAS NOT ENLGISH BUT IT MAKESS THE STORY COOLER THIS WAY! THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE REIVEW PLEASE PLEASE!