Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

REGENDarySumanai

Man of excellent taste
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Larry Butz from Ace Attorney. Compared to his classmates Phoenix Wright, who is a defense attorney, and Miles Edgeworth, a prosecutor who eventually became the chief prosecutor, Larry is just a regular Joe who got framed for murder in the first game, regularly makes an ass out of himself, and shuffles through jobs and girlfriends like cards. He does help out in the DL-6 court case by extending it, and does give Edgeworth the 38 dollars that Phoenix got accused of stealing. "If it smells, then it's probably the Butz."
 
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Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
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Larry Butz from Ace Attorney. Compared to his classmates Phoenix Wright, who is a defense attorney, and Miles Edgeworth, a prosecutor who eventually became the chief prosecutor, Larry is just a regular Joe who got framed for murder in the first game, regularly makes an ass out of himself, and shuffles through jobs and girlfriends like cards. He does help out in the DL-6 court case by extending it, and does give Edgeworth the 38 dollars that Phoenix got accused of stealing. "If it smells, then it's probably the Butz."
Not to mention how Flanderized his character got in the later games. He started off as a lolzy, yet decent guy who might be bipolar and didn't have good luck. Eventually, he got annoying to the point his own friends didn't really like him.

Wile E. Coyote (debatable, but whatever)
Depends on the version. If it was the one from the episode where he tries to catch Bugs Bunny by first coming to his house, announcing his superiority over him and expects Bugs to pretty much turn himself in, then yes. His delusions of granduer pretty much make him an easy target for Bugs using the same tricks against him.
 
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GethN7

True & Honest Fan
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Super Robot Wars has their own lolcow, appropriately from their shittiest game ever, Super Robot Wars K.

And his name is Mist Rex.

Mist came from a planet some alien assholes called Edax blew up because it literally had some cosmic keystone hidden inside it, and they blew up some other planets trying to find the other pieces. He makes his way to Earth to avoid those bastards, but it turns out that's next on the Edax list of planets to search then blow up.

Along the way Mist gets caught up in all the crossover crazy and joins the good guys, and he earns himself the most unlikable turd in the entire franchise crown for the following:

1. Never quits whining about his home planet was so much better than Earth, even to people who love the place, warts and all.

2. Has a boring ass love triangle that takes up a stupidly huge amount of the plot, even pushing aside the canon love triangle from the show Godannar, which is better written to begin with. Said ladies in said triangle are basically vapid cliches with nigh identical backstories, though at least they spend less time being whiny about it.

3. His reasons for being on team good guy just amount to having a cudgel to beat up the asshole who destroyed his planet, never once is he actually fucking grateful they put their asses on line for him.

4. Is such an asshole he's a complete cunt to people who went through actual legit trauma that is far fucking worse than his, like the entire cast of Fafner in The Azure (who are slowly dying from a fatal disease and were considered outcasts even before that happened).

He turned out to be such a dick it's a meme on Japanese /m/echa boards to shop him into screenshots of future games just to troll people.
 

Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
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Mark Beaks from the Ducktales reboot. A tech bro with the maturity of someone ten years younger (he's in his late 20s) and might be autistic. He starts off as a friendly, eccentric tech genius, but as his first episode rolls on, there are signs: thinking that blocking Scrooge and Glomgold (once they get media accounts) is the perfect revenge for underestimating him, throwing a fit when he doesn't get his coffee on time, there's his plan to create a fake project that will get "stolen" so he can still keep the money his investors give him, and is willing to literally jump out of a building to fix a text on his remaining Iphone after Dewey puts a fake, humiliating tweet to get back at him for his crooked dealings.

The "Who Is Gizmoduck?" episode shows Mark at his lolziest when he becomes obsessed with Gizmoduck after he saves Mark's life. He convinces Gizmoduck to become a superhero for hire with a new name and while the plan works, it sucks for people who don't have the app and get robbed. Since Gizmoduck has the risk of being more popular than him, Mark hijaks the armor, douchingly calls him "chico" (GD is Hispanic) and starts a big, live conference where he will take the credit while showing off the suit's capabiliites. Too bad he ignored the warnings that the suit wasn't 100% stable and used too much at once that he ended up endangering a lot of people. Thankfully, GD is a nice enough guy to get majorly injured to save everyone.
 
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A

AZ 594

Guest
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Don't know if these characters are mentioned ITT, but i'll post anyway.

Ziggy Sobatka from The Wire: Complete spaz and fuckup, works as a Stevedore because of nepotism instead of merit. Gets real pissy when no one shows him respect. Accidental animal abuser. Lost his shit and killed two dudes after getting played like a chump.

Cheese Wagstaff from The Wire: Pretty much the same as Ziggy, only black and perhaps less sympathetic. Neglects his own kid, shot his dog for losing a dogfight, backstabbed his uncle who provided for him throughout the series, and unceremoniously got killed with no one mourning his death.

Spencer from The Walking Dead (Comics only, never watched the show): Complete loveshy who lives with his mom, willing to ditch others to save his sorry ass, stalks girl who dumped him, to a point where he betrayed their plans to their enemy.

And finally this guy
 

Terran Wraith

Go ahead, commander.
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Broly from the DBZ movies.

  • Still mad about Goku crying when they were babies.:agree:
  • Temper tramtums so big that galaxies being wiped out.:agree:
  • His powerlevel is maximum and only increases over time.:agree:
  • Weird clothes.:agree:
  • Possibly obsessed with body building.:agree:
  • He thinks he is a god.:agree:
  • He has no friends.:agree:
  • He still lives at home.:agree:
  • He has no, nor ever had a job.:agree:
  • Gets violent with children too.:agree:
  • He enjoys hurting others.:agree:
 
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Old Blighty

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Any V.C. Andrews protagonist
And the antagonists. Especially Phillip Cutler, who is obsessed with his sister and moves onto her daughter after the sister dies, Vera Whitefern aka the one who threw a clump of miscarried fetus at her mother and arranged a child's gangrape and the mom from the Gemini series, who forces her daughter to become her son after the son dies and is a New Age whack-job.
 
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Ilikeoreos

Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
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I wouldn't consider Charlie Brown to be a lolcow, he's just a fairly normal guy who happens to be down on his luck most of the time. But most of his friends certainly are. Peppermint Patty thought that an obedience school for dogs was some kind of private school for gifted kids, Linus believes in an imaginary figure that he seems to have completely made up himself, Sally talks to buildings, Pig-Pen has the worst hygiene of any third grader who ever lived, and Snoopy often gets so caught up in his WWI flying ace roleplaying that sometimes I think he almost forgets who he and literally thinks that he's actually living those fantasies.

Schroeder is arguably normal but still has rather eccentric interests. Lucy's eccentricities are hard to explain. Marcie and Franklin seem to be the most normal ones in the gang, though Marcie can still be a cow when it comes to the fact that she knows absolutely nothing about sports and once got her foot caught in a ball washer at a golf course because she thought it was a "shoe washer" (and we also can't forget about the time she kept messing up when Peppermint Patty was trying to show her how to make Easter eggs)
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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The Twilight Zone predicted incels about fifty years before they actually became a prominent thing. The 1964 episode, “The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross” gives us the title character.
He’s a regular working-class average joe who has a thing for a woman named Leah who’s implied to be way out of his league and above his station. She rejects his request for a date, but Ross refuses to take “no” for an answer. He aggressively keeps at it, even grabbing her arm. It gets to the point where her father comes out to check and see if everything is alright. This gets Ross to finally fuck off, but not before punching the Leah’s door and breaking his hand.

Once he goes to the hospital, Ross discovers that he can magically trade anything with anyone, as long as the tradee agrees, when he trades his broken hand for his hospital roommate’s cold.

Ross then sells his youth to an elderly rich man for a million dollars and a nice apartment. Now an old man, Ross quickly buys back his youth little by little and is a young man again in no time at all. He also trades his low-class accent for a more well-spoken dialect.

Now a wealthy, well-spoken young man, Ross again tries to get Leah to date him. Her father still doesn’t want her to date him, but admits that he wouldn’t try to stop her either. Leah, impressed with Ross’ seeming improvements, agrees to give him a chance.

The date doesn’t go well, however. Leah states that the problem never had to do with Ross being of a lower station than her in life; she calls him out on the fact that he doesn’t truly care about her and only sees her as a prize to be won. He has no genuine compassion or love.

Ross takes Leah home, and then makes a deal in private with her father to buy his compassion for $100,000, as Leah had previously said that she’d want a man as compassionate as him. The next day, Ross and Leah are seen together again, with Ross being much more passionate and loving. He takes her home and asks her father for his permission to marry her. Her father refuses, reminding Ross that he didn’t want her to be with him.Ross pleads for compassion, and her father replies, “Don’t you remember? I sold it to you yesterday.” He then shoots Ross dead.
[\SPOILER]
 

Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
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A number of the straight men in 9 Chickweed Lane fall into this category. With the exception of Thorax (who is an extreme weirdo whose dialogue could be described as overdone word salad and is a know-it-all), they tend to wear the pants higher than Steve Urkel, are total musheads around the slightest bit of feminine sexuality, weak-willed (to the point of curling into balls), and dweeby. There are some exceptions like Hugh being too uncomfortable to pee/poop in a bathroom that doesn't look like the one he has at home, Arthur throws a fit when he sees on of Mozart's pieces being refered to a song, and Sven turns his love interest in to the cops (for stealing cattle) and acts all shocked because he didn't know that she would get arrested for it. Sven also is too scared to touch ladies' underwear as if it was radioative.

The women also have their lolcow aspects; almost every single one is an elitist, oversexed, violet, immature twit. Granted how far a certain trait goes depends on the woman. Example: Juliette and Fluerre are more elitist, Ms Peel is more dim, Edda is the most immature, etc. Then again, the creator of the comic strip, Brooke McEldowney, is a lolcow as well.
 

Y2K Baby

The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom???
True & Honest Fan
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A number of the straight men in 9 Chickweed Lane fall into this category. With the exception of Thorax (who is an extreme weirdo whose dialogue could be described as overdone word salad and is a know-it-all), they tend to wear the pants higher than Steve Urkel, are total musheads around the slightest bit of feminine sexuality, weak-willed (to the point of curling into balls), and dweeby. There are some exceptions like Hugh being too uncomfortable to pee/poop in a bathroom that doesn't look like the one he has at home, Arthur throws a fit when he sees on of Mozart's pieces being refered to a song, and Sven turns his love interest in to the cops (for stealing cattle) and acts all shocked because he didn't know that she would get arrested for it. Sven also is too scared to touch ladies' underwear as if it was radioative.

The women also have their lolcow aspects; almost every single one is an elitist, oversexed, violet, immature twit. Granted how far a certain trait goes depends on the woman. Example: Juliette and Fluerre are more elitist, Ms Peel is more dim, Edda is the most immature, etc. Then again, the creator of the comic strip, Brooke McEldowney, is a lolcow as well.
This all sounds really gay.
 
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