Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

[PsychoNerd054]

Squidward from Spongebob.

He's practically the underwater equivalent of Andrew Dobson, minus the feminism, especially in the episode "Artist Unknown", one of my personal favorite episodes.

>His motive for teaching was just so that he could be recognized for his "talent".
>Spongebob comes into his class showing far more superior art skills, which he refuses to accept.
>He actually believes his way is the only way:

>He then tries to sell all of his art to some art critic which fails, and then tries to pass Spongebob's off as his own just so he can get rich.
>And in the end, he even loses his shit and smashes up the entire room when Spongebob's artistic spirit is completely broken, and therefore unable to recreate the above statue for him.

All in all, a really funny episode which overshadows some of Squidward's more lolcow-ish traits.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

With the exception of Toadette, Toadsworth, and the two playable Toads from NSMB, the Toads are a race of lolcows that make you wonder how they still keep their jobs. Despite mainly being Peach's guards, they are cowards who can't even protect Peach from getting kidnapped all the time. Though unlike lolcows, they still help you out quite a lot, but not enough to stop them from being lolcows.
Peach herself could possibly be a lolcow since she gets kidnapped all the time and if a piece of one off text in Superstar Saga is to be believed, the Mushroom Kingdom's economy is in the shitters, probably because she gets kidnapped and the fact that the Mushroom Kingdom has an entire university dedicated to tennis. Bowser tends to get hit with lolcow status in the RPGs, with the biggest lolcow moments being in Paper Mario: TTYD (where's he's constantly one step behind Mario, talked to a poster of Peach, invaded a fighting ring where Mario was fighting, and blew fire on a broken bomb while in a fight with fellow lolcow Lord Crump) and Superstar Saga (where he got amnesia, forgot Luigi's name, got possessed by Cackletta, along with being generally dim). There's probably some points from the aforementioned three that I probably missed.
Luigi is shown to be a lolcow in Paper Mario: TTYD, as he is also on an adventure, except the fact that he keeps bungling up pretty hard, which gets to the point that his own partners don't really like him.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.

 

[Truthboi]

Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.

I mean he does have a lot of cow like traits even while being dealt a bad hand in life.

 

[Alto]

Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.

He at least has some redeeming qualities, such as his softness for children and his lack of incel traits that the media was up in arms about. The creepo mostly just wants to dance and tell jokes.

 

[Autumnal Equinox]

Cheswick and Harding from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Not so much in the novel, where Cheswick is genuinely sympathetic, and where Harding is strongly implied to be gay and that's why he's committed. Cheswick in the movie is a lardass, tantrum throwing crybaby who acts like an overgrown child, and Harding has a stick up his ass the size of a redwood and can't stand it when people don't act like he's the smartest guy in the room.

 

[Zelos Wilder]

Tig Trager from Sons of anarchy.

The man causes so many problems for the rest of the club (Fucking dead Mexicans, Killing an innocent woman bringing the wrath of her father) is unable to think for himself unless he's pissed, is basically Clay Morrow's orbiter, and has a troon fetish.

Still love the crazy fuck though.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The Tick has quite a few characters that fall somewhere on the lolcow spectrum. Even the title character, who is semi-competent as a superhero, but utterly lacking in most other areas. He’s a musclebound manchild whose sidekick Arthur is often forced to act as his wrangler.

Probably the biggest example of a cow, though, would be Barry Hubris, a villain who also goes by the name “the Tick.” Barry is a vexatious litigant who makes his living by claiming the rights to superheroes’ identities and seizing all of their assets. He doesn’t actually do anything superheroey, and doesn’t give a shit about doing good or helping people, he’s just an attention whore who likes to throw his weight around. Think Vordrak or Maddox, but with superheroes. The comic book version has the Tick seizing all of Barry’s assets upon defeating him, while Barry snaps, becomes a nudist, and refuses to leave his house after the Tick and Arthur move in.

 

[simulated goat]

Of Course Ignatius J Reilly is taken first off, but I would posit a case for Myrna Minkoff as well, with her proto sjw battles, her failed public speeches, the movie she tries to make, ingratiating herself with a black girl for woke points. She totally trolls Ignatius and in a sense sets the story moving as he keeps trying to outdo her.

 

[Coelacanth]

Porky/Pokey Minch from the Earthbound series.

He's been brought up in this thread briefly before but I feel this needs to be more elaborated on. Porky Minch to me is what Chris would be if the Dimensional Merge actually happened: a manchild who is practically worshipped as a king and a god, who isn't above doing horrific things to people be they young or old either just because he can or because it either conveniences him or gets rid of an inconvenience. He treats animals (and humans) as toys like Chris does and his followers, the Pigmasks, remind me an awful lot of the we.ens that condone Chris' delusions and behaviours too. Yes, he had a pretty shit childhood, but that's not an excuse to do the things he did in Mother 3 and the fact that characters in the game not only approve of his general arrogance but encourage it chills me to the bone. I can imagine Chris will probably, in the best case scenario, end up in an isolated room in a psychiatric ward where he can do no harm - and no harm can come to him just like Porky being stuck in the Absolutely Safe Capsule for all of eternity. I'm glad Porky isn't real - because he'd make one hell of a horrorcow.

 

[Notgoodwithusernames]

Porky/Pokey Minch from the Earthbound series.

He's been brought up in this thread briefly before but I feel this needs to be more elaborated on. Porky Minch to me is what Chris would be if the Dimensional Merge actually happened: a manchild who is practically worshipped as a king and a god, who isn't above doing horrific things to people be they young or old either just because he can or because it either conveniences him or gets rid of an inconvenience. He treats animals (and humans) as toys like Chris does and his followers, the Pigmasks, remind me an awful lot of the we.ens that condone Chris' delusions and behaviours too. Yes, he had a pretty shit childhood, but that's not an excuse to do the things he did in Mother 3 and the fact that characters in the game not only approve of his general arrogance but encourage it chills me to the bone. I can imagine Chris will probably, in the best case scenario, end up in an isolated room in a psychiatric ward where he can do no harm - and no harm can come to him just like Porky being stuck in the Absolutely Safe Capsule for all of eternity. I'm glad Porky isn't real - because he'd make one hell of a horrorcow.

Ive had a theory that the enirety of Mother 3 is just Porky's delusins after witnessing Giygas's true form

 

[WhoTheFuckIsZeroTwo]

35 pages and nobody's brought up Dwight Schrute? He's really the essential fictional lolcow. If he was real, he'd probably have his own board here, right with CWC and Phil. You even have Jim pranking him for tard cum constantly, especially in the older seasons.

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Anyways, I'd also like to nominate Karkat Vantas from Homestuck for fictional lolcow status. Somebody posted the Amporas and the Zahhaks a while back, but they really just don't put out the same level of tard cum that Karkat did on a constant basis. He constantly gets angry at the slightest provocations, constantly types in ALL CAPS, is shitty at nearly everything he tries to do, and constantly makes weird sexual innuendos and double entendres at everyone he interacts with, save for Kanaya (notably, the only lesbian out of the trolls). In one of the pages, Equius even tells him that he's basically their group's lolcow, and they quote his memos as sort of a private meme amongst themselves. He's also egregiously egotistical, although this is mainly to cover up his cripplingly low self-esteem due to being a mutant societal outcast. Oh, and he's also into selfcest.

 

[Truthboi]

Since we're on the subject of Fate characters, I'd say Kayneth from Zero. He's supposed to be this well-regarded professor at the academy/university/whatever, but gets his material for summoning Alexander the Great stolen by a 'loser' student so he has to summon an Irishman instead. This said Irishman happens to have a mole on his face that magically turns women on, making his wife want to cuck him. Speaking of his wife, she's the one wearing the pants in the relationship and actually directing their actions throughout the Holy Grail War. Also he gets owned by a guy with minimal magical abilities who just so happened to have anti-mage bullets forged from his ribs, and feels the need to kill a neutral party in the Holy Grail War because he fears any other faction being rewarded with any more command seals.

Late but I think all the Fate/Zero masters were pretty much lolcows/horrorcows barring Kiritsugu and Waver. Let's talk about one who is Shinji's uncle Kariya.

Kariya is a "nice guy" who at first seemed to join the grail war out of noble intentions, but he really did it so he could steal a married woman he has a crush on from her husband who he complains is not good for her. He spends most of Zero trying to kill him, thinking that if he killed him that both his wife and children would instantly love him, accepting him instantly as their husband and father. He also acts like a chuuni believing himself to be the hero who is saving his crush from an evil man when in reality she loves him, and also had monologues complaining about how everyone but him is an idiot. He also is implied to be a stalker in a lot of side material as well.

He does have redeeming qualities, but at the end of the day he is still a cow.

 

[Strange Rope Hero]

Edit: late and gay, but that just means he's doubly a lolcow.

Is horrible at everything he loves.
Fails at everything he tries.
Refuses to accept his sad, depressing life and the friendship of local retards.

Biggest fictional lolcow of all time:

Also proves that "Just don't be ugly, brah." is true:

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

35 pages and nobody's brought up Dwight Schrute? He's really the essential fictional lolcow. If he was real, he'd probably have his own board here, right with CWC and Phil. You even have Jim pranking him for tard cum constantly, especially in earlier seasons.

I wouldn't say that guy really counts since as weird and dumb as he is, he's an otherwise functional adult. There is one really crowning example of lolcowdom that will just piss you off though and that's Kai Kawous from the shahmaneh. Everything he does seems geared to be useless and destructive when he isn't just being Shah (at which he's ok). He gets tricked into invading a literal land of demons, has himself locked up by a traitorous vassal who he knew was still bitter and had been rebellious before, gets tricked again into literally crashing into a desert in China and won't even bother to save the life of perhaps his greatest benefactor because he was still salty he called him out on his stupidity.

 

[I Love Beef]

Pee-wee Herman-Gigantic manchild

To be honest, I think Pee-wee's redeeming feature is that he is a decent guy. Now, Francis from the Movie, he reminds me a lot of Chris Chan and a mix of other lolcows I've come across. Not only is he spoiled, but he's an entitled prick and a manchild who goes full autist over Pee Wee's bike and makes Pee Wee go cross country over something poor Pee Wee put effort into customizing and making. TL;DR DON'T FUCK WITH ANOTHER'S RIDE. Francis deserved getting launched into orbit at the end.

Speaking of 70's cult movie stars, Stacey Keach's Sergeant Stedenko from Up In Smoke and his cronies all come to mind as pure lolcow gold. Totally incompetent cops who arrest nuns, shoot out their own tires, get bad public opinion due to their zealous self righteous fatheadedness, can't even recite Miranda Rights off the top of their head, end up stoned by the very "enemy" on some bullshit lolzworthy crusade (lol, war on marijuana), and can't even arrest Cheech and Chong? No wonder why society seemed like it was collapsing back in the day. Before the internet and Section 8, we had to enroll them in the workforce.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Porky/Pokey Minch from the Earthbound series.

He's been brought up in this thread briefly before but I feel this needs to be more elaborated on. Porky Minch to me is what Chris would be if the Dimensional Merge actually happened: a manchild who is practically worshipped as a king and a god, who isn't above doing horrific things to people be they young or old either just because he can or because it either conveniences him or gets rid of an inconvenience. He treats animals (and humans) as toys like Chris does and his followers, the Pigmasks, remind me an awful lot of the we.ens that condone Chris' delusions and behaviours too. Yes, he had a pretty shit childhood, but that's not an excuse to do the things he did in Mother 3 and the fact that characters in the game not only approve of his general arrogance but encourage it chills me to the bone. I can imagine Chris will probably, in the best case scenario, end up in an isolated room in a psychiatric ward where he can do no harm - and no harm can come to him just like Porky being stuck in the Absolutely Safe Capsule for all of eternity. I'm glad Porky isn't real - because he'd make one hell of a horrorcow.

Itoi even said that Porky Minch would survive the sun dying. He's just stuck in there, forever. I don't think even the heat death of the known universe would kill him.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

Caillou in the Caillou the Grownup Internet Series

The series is meant to be a parody of the 1997 series, showing what Caillou could possibly turn into given the shitty way his parents raised him.

• He vehemently refuses to get a job.
• He always uses imagination to escape all of his responsibilities
• He throws massive temper tantrums, even in public, whenever he doesn't get what he wants, and will threaten you if you still refuse.
• He has the mindset of a 4-year-old kid, despite being 22.
• All he ever wants to eat is pizza
• Not helping is that he has a few enablers throughout the series, such as his grandparents.

 

[Freddy Freaker]

Caillou in the Caillou the Grownup Internet Series

View attachment 1031003

The series is meant to be a parody of the 1997 series, showing what Caillou could possibly turn into given the shitty way his parents raised him.

• He vehemently refuses to get a job.
• He always uses imagination to escape all of his responsibilities
• He throws massive temper tantrums, even in public, whenever he doesn't get what he wants, and will threaten you if you still refuse.
• He has the mindset of a 4-year-old kid, despite being 22.
• All he ever wants to eat is pizza
• Not helping is that he has a few enablers throughout the series, such as his grandparents.

Good thing caillou got grounded grounded grounded times infinity

 

[horrorfan89]

Good thing caillou got grounded grounded grounded times infinity

Does aok use the cwcki for material? I'm amazed no vveens on Twitter have brought the show to Chris'attention