Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

Gordon Cole

Give 'em something to remember like The Alamo
True & Honest Fan
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Becky Something from Her Smell

Drugged out of her mind, and kept a scammer spiritual healer on retainer.

Dropped her baby daughter.

Drove her band into the ground.

Can't pull herself together for recording, and blows her entire budget.

Gets sued by 12 people.

Rushes onstage despite being handcuffed and with a broken nose, falls off the stage.

Is basically Courtney Love.
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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Ages ago, someone brought up the Phantom of the Opera. I never saw the stage show, but I did see the movie with Gerard Butler when I was a kid. I found out recently that they put it on Netflix, and holy shit I never realized how much of a sperg the Phantom is.

Like other people here have said, he IS genuinely talented, but that doesn’t actually do anything to lessen his being a lolcow. I mean, Dan Harmon is talented but we still consider HIM a cow.

He’s a total Nice Guy, right down to the fact that he talks himself up while putting down his competition (“insolent boy, this slave of fashion,” “ignorant fool, this brave young suitor”). There’s also the fact that his deformity isn’t even that bad in this version. He’d be fine if he just followed a skincare routine or even slapped a bit of makeup over one side of his face. Which reminds me a lot of how these incels are generally okay-looking guys but see themselves as hideously deformed because they lack the self awareness to realize that it’s their personality and not their looks that’s the problem. It's also worth noting that the aforementioned "insolent boy" beats his ass handily in a swordfight about midway through the movie, and literally the only reason he doesn't end up getting killed then and there is 'cause Christine, the girl they're both after, stops it from happening.

There’s even a part where he specifically complains to Christine about not being able to get laid. At the end of "Music of the Night," it's subtly implied that he may have tried to rape her while she was asleep/unconscious. The original cut makes this way more obvious, with him actually getting into bed with her, but they felt that was too rapey, and so it doesn't appear in the final film. However, there's still the fact that he watches her in her dressing room through a two-way mirror, which also acts as a door through which he can get in.

He also refers to the opera house as “his” and expects that the people who do own it pay him a “salary” despite him not actually working there and just being what essentially amounts to a squatter. He gives them instructions on how to cast their shows, too, even though he has no real authority and is literally just a basement dwelling NEET. When the new owners understandably see these demands as ridiculous and entitled bluster, he starts harassing people with letters that range from passive-aggressive to outright threatening.
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Plankton from spongebob

Is the definition of insanity given how he keeps trying different plans with always the same result

A fixation on going to college just like CWC or John Sweet

Lives alone with his sweet heart from the ground up Karen

Not a fan of his family

A excellent example of dunninng kruger effect in action etc
Karen would be more of an anime body pillow, or a realdoll, since I think one episode says that she was specifically designed to be a wife.

Plankton is also an example of a cow that could be wildly successful if they weren't so caught up in stupid bullshit. Plankton is a brilliant scientist, and a lot of his inventions are legitimately impressive and work like they're supposed to for the most part. Yet all he ever uses any of them for is to try and steal a competitor's recipe to use in a fast food restaurant.
 

PsychoNerd054

Green people are so sexy!
True & Honest Fan
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Squidward from Spongebob.

He's practically the underwater equivalent of Andrew Dobson, minus the feminism, especially in the episode "Artist Unknown", one of my personal favorite episodes.

>His motive for teaching was just so that he could be recognized for his "talent".
>Spongebob comes into his class showing far more superior art skills, which he refuses to accept.
>He actually believes his way is the only way:

1564907756928.png


>He then tries to sell all of his art to some art critic which fails, and then tries to pass Spongebob's off as his own just so he can get rich.
>And in the end, he even loses his shit and smashes up the entire room when Spongebob's artistic spirit is completely broken, and therefore unable to recreate the above statue for him.

Rage.gif


All in all, a really funny episode which overshadows some of Squidward's more lolcow-ish traits.
 
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REGENDarySumanai

Man of excellent taste
kiwifarms.net
With the exception of Toadette, Toadsworth, and the two playable Toads from NSMB, the Toads are a race of lolcows that make you wonder how they still keep their jobs. Despite mainly being Peach's guards, they are cowards who can't even protect Peach from getting kidnapped all the time. Though unlike lolcows, they still help you out quite a lot, but not enough to stop them from being lolcows.
Peach herself could possibly be a lolcow since she gets kidnapped all the time and if a piece of one off text in Superstar Saga is to be believed, the Mushroom Kingdom's economy is in the shitters, probably because she gets kidnapped and the fact that the Mushroom Kingdom has an entire university dedicated to tennis. Bowser tends to get hit with lolcow status in the RPGs, with the biggest lolcow moments being in Paper Mario: TTYD (where's he's constantly one step behind Mario, talked to a poster of Peach, invaded a fighting ring where Mario was fighting, and blew fire on a broken bomb while in a fight with fellow lolcow Lord Crump) and Superstar Saga (where he got amnesia, forgot Luigi's name, got possessed by Cackletta, along with being generally dim). There's probably some points from the aforementioned three that I probably missed.
Luigi is shown to be a lolcow in Paper Mario: TTYD, as he is also on an adventure, except the fact that he keeps bungling up pretty hard, which gets to the point that his own partners don't really like him.
 
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