Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

Gordon Cole

Yep, he's dead
True & Honest Fan
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Becky Something from Her Smell

Drugged out of her mind, and kept a scammer spiritual healer on retainer.

Dropped her baby daughter.

Drove her band into the ground.

Can't pull herself together for recording, and blows her entire budget.

Gets sued by 12 people.

Rushes onstage despite being handcuffed and with a broken nose, falls off the stage.

Is basically Courtney Love.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Ages ago, someone brought up the Phantom of the Opera. I never saw the stage show, but I did see the movie with Gerard Butler when I was a kid. I found out recently that they put it on Netflix, and holy shit I never realized how much of a sperg the Phantom is.

Like other people here have said, he IS genuinely talented, but that doesn’t actually do anything to lessen his being a lolcow. I mean, Dan Harmon is talented but we still consider HIM a cow.

He’s a total Nice Guy, right down to the fact that he talks himself up while putting down his competition (“insolent boy, this slave of fashion,” “ignorant fool, this brave young suitor”). There’s also the fact that his deformity isn’t even that bad in this version. He’d be fine if he just followed a skincare routine or even slapped a bit of makeup over one side of his face. Which reminds me a lot of how these incels are generally okay-looking guys but see themselves as hideously deformed because they lack the self awareness to realize that it’s their personality and not their looks that’s the problem. It's also worth noting that the aforementioned "insolent boy" beats his ass handily in a swordfight about midway through the movie, and literally the only reason he doesn't end up getting killed then and there is 'cause Christine, the girl they're both after, stops it from happening.

There’s even a part where he specifically complains to Christine about not being able to get laid. At the end of "Music of the Night," it's subtly implied that he may have tried to rape her while she was asleep/unconscious. The original cut makes this way more obvious, with him actually getting into bed with her, but they felt that was too rapey, and so it doesn't appear in the final film. However, there's still the fact that he watches her in her dressing room through a two-way mirror, which also acts as a door through which he can get in.

He also refers to the opera house as “his” and expects that the people who do own it pay him a “salary” despite him not actually working there and just being what essentially amounts to a squatter. He gives them instructions on how to cast their shows, too, even though he has no real authority and is literally just a basement dwelling NEET. When the new owners understandably see these demands as ridiculous and entitled bluster, he starts harassing people with letters that range from passive-aggressive to outright threatening.
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Plankton from spongebob

Is the definition of insanity given how he keeps trying different plans with always the same result

A fixation on going to college just like CWC or John Sweet

Lives alone with his sweet heart from the ground up Karen

Not a fan of his family

A excellent example of dunninng kruger effect in action etc
Karen would be more of an anime body pillow, or a realdoll, since I think one episode says that she was specifically designed to be a wife.

Plankton is also an example of a cow that could be wildly successful if they weren't so caught up in stupid bullshit. Plankton is a brilliant scientist, and a lot of his inventions are legitimately impressive and work like they're supposed to for the most part. Yet all he ever uses any of them for is to try and steal a competitor's recipe to use in a fast food restaurant.
 

PsychoNerd054

Green people are so sexy!
True & Honest Fan
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Squidward from Spongebob.

He's practically the underwater equivalent of Andrew Dobson, minus the feminism, especially in the episode "Artist Unknown", one of my personal favorite episodes.

>His motive for teaching was just so that he could be recognized for his "talent".
>Spongebob comes into his class showing far more superior art skills, which he refuses to accept.
>He actually believes his way is the only way:

1564907756928.png


>He then tries to sell all of his art to some art critic which fails, and then tries to pass Spongebob's off as his own just so he can get rich.
>And in the end, he even loses his shit and smashes up the entire room when Spongebob's artistic spirit is completely broken, and therefore unable to recreate the above statue for him.

Rage.gif


All in all, a really funny episode which overshadows some of Squidward's more lolcow-ish traits.
 
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REGENDarySumanai

Man of excellent taste
True & Honest Fan
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With the exception of Toadette, Toadsworth, and the two playable Toads from NSMB, the Toads are a race of lolcows that make you wonder how they still keep their jobs. Despite mainly being Peach's guards, they are cowards who can't even protect Peach from getting kidnapped all the time. Though unlike lolcows, they still help you out quite a lot, but not enough to stop them from being lolcows.
Peach herself could possibly be a lolcow since she gets kidnapped all the time and if a piece of one off text in Superstar Saga is to be believed, the Mushroom Kingdom's economy is in the shitters, probably because she gets kidnapped and the fact that the Mushroom Kingdom has an entire university dedicated to tennis. Bowser tends to get hit with lolcow status in the RPGs, with the biggest lolcow moments being in Paper Mario: TTYD (where's he's constantly one step behind Mario, talked to a poster of Peach, invaded a fighting ring where Mario was fighting, and blew fire on a broken bomb while in a fight with fellow lolcow Lord Crump) and Superstar Saga (where he got amnesia, forgot Luigi's name, got possessed by Cackletta, along with being generally dim). There's probably some points from the aforementioned three that I probably missed.
Luigi is shown to be a lolcow in Paper Mario: TTYD, as he is also on an adventure, except the fact that he keeps bungling up pretty hard, which gets to the point that his own partners don't really like him.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.
 

Truthboi

The True and Honest Man
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Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.
I mean he does have a lot of cow like traits even while being dealt a bad hand in life.
 

Alto

Space Doggity
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Arthur Fleck, the incarnation of the Joker in the new movie, is a borderline cow. He’s got all the makings of one, but stops just short because he legitimately does have a lot of bad shit working against him and still made every attempt to be a functioning member of society regardless. He wasn’t a cow, just a guy who got dealt a shitty hand by life (and denied access to his meds), and who ended up snapping under pressure.
He at least has some redeeming qualities, such as his softness for children and his lack of incel traits that the media was up in arms about. The creepo mostly just wants to dance and tell jokes.
 

Autumnal Equinox

Your Thomas hawk, sir....
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Cheswick and Harding from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Not so much in the novel, where Cheswick is genuinely sympathetic, and where Harding is strongly implied to be gay and that's why he's committed. Cheswick in the movie is a lardass, tantrum throwing crybaby who acts like an overgrown child, and Harding has a stick up his ass the size of a redwood and can't stand it when people don't act like he's the smartest guy in the room.
 
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Ryotaro Dojima

Alcoholic single dad looking for love
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Tig Trager from Sons of anarchy.

The man causes so many problems for the rest of the club (Fucking dead Mexicans, Killing an innocent woman bringing the wrath of her father) is unable to think for himself unless he's pissed, is basically Clay Morrow's orbiter, and has a troon fetish.

Still love the crazy fuck though.
 
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Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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The Tick has quite a few characters that fall somewhere on the lolcow spectrum. Even the title character, who is semi-competent as a superhero, but utterly lacking in most other areas. He’s a musclebound manchild whose sidekick Arthur is often forced to act as his wrangler.

Probably the biggest example of a cow, though, would be Barry Hubris, a villain who also goes by the name “the Tick.” Barry is a vexatious litigant who makes his living by claiming the rights to superheroes’ identities and seizing all of their assets. He doesn’t actually do anything superheroey, and doesn’t give a shit about doing good or helping people, he’s just an attention whore who likes to throw his weight around. Think Vordrak or Maddox, but with superheroes. The comic book version has the Tick seizing all of Barry’s assets upon defeating him, while Barry snaps, becomes a nudist, and refuses to leave his house after the Tick and Arthur move in.
 
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simulated goat

Intellectual Property
kiwifarms.net
Of Course Ignatius J Reilly is taken first off, but I would posit a case for Myrna Minkoff as well, with her proto sjw battles, her failed public speeches, the movie she tries to make, ingratiating herself with a black girl for woke points. She totally trolls Ignatius and in a sense sets the story moving as he keeps trying to outdo her.
 

Coelacanth

Your local cultural appropriating living fossil.
kiwifarms.net
Porky/Pokey Minch from the Earthbound series.

He's been brought up in this thread briefly before but I feel this needs to be more elaborated on. Porky Minch to me is what Chris would be if the Dimensional Merge actually happened: a manchild who is practically worshipped as a king and a god, who isn't above doing horrific things to people be they young or old either just because he can or because it either conveniences him or gets rid of an inconvenience. He treats animals (and humans) as toys like Chris does and his followers, the Pigmasks, remind me an awful lot of the we.ens that condone Chris' delusions and behaviours too. Yes, he had a pretty shit childhood, but that's not an excuse to do the things he did in Mother 3 and the fact that characters in the game not only approve of his general arrogance but encourage it chills me to the bone. I can imagine Chris will probably, in the best case scenario, end up in an isolated room in a psychiatric ward where he can do no harm - and no harm can come to him just like Porky being stuck in the Absolutely Safe Capsule for all of eternity. I'm glad Porky isn't real - because he'd make one hell of a horrorcow.
 

Notgoodwithusernames

My wife’s boyfriend is my son
kiwifarms.net
Porky/Pokey Minch from the Earthbound series.

He's been brought up in this thread briefly before but I feel this needs to be more elaborated on. Porky Minch to me is what Chris would be if the Dimensional Merge actually happened: a manchild who is practically worshipped as a king and a god, who isn't above doing horrific things to people be they young or old either just because he can or because it either conveniences him or gets rid of an inconvenience. He treats animals (and humans) as toys like Chris does and his followers, the Pigmasks, remind me an awful lot of the we.ens that condone Chris' delusions and behaviours too. Yes, he had a pretty shit childhood, but that's not an excuse to do the things he did in Mother 3 and the fact that characters in the game not only approve of his general arrogance but encourage it chills me to the bone. I can imagine Chris will probably, in the best case scenario, end up in an isolated room in a psychiatric ward where he can do no harm - and no harm can come to him just like Porky being stuck in the Absolutely Safe Capsule for all of eternity. I'm glad Porky isn't real - because he'd make one hell of a horrorcow.
Ive had a theory that the enirety of Mother 3 is just Porky's delusins after witnessing Giygas's true form
 
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