Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

[Syaoran Li]

Honestly, the Resident Evil series is chock full of lolcows of various sorts.

Brad Vickers is a bit of a careercow due to his cowardice.

Steve Burnside is a whiny borderline Nice Guy.

Brian Irons and Vincent Goldman are quintessential horrorcows.

Alfred Ashford is a cross-dresser with an incestuous crush on his sister, is batshit insane, dresses like an antique tin soldier, is utterly incompetent at his job (Umbrella gave him command of the Rockfort facility to keep him away from any valuable assets) and honestly checks off so many lolcow sub-groups it's not even funny.

Then there's all the insanity in the later action-oriented titles, but that's a whole post unto itself.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Honestly, the Resident Evil series is chock full of lolcows of various sorts.

Brad Vickers is a bit of a careercow due to his cowardice.

Steve Burnside is a whiny borderline Nice Guy.

Brian Irons and Vincent Goldman are quintessential horrorcows.

Alfred Ashford is a cross-dresser with an incestuous crush on his sister, is batshit insane, dresses like an antique tin soldier, is utterly incompetent at his job (Umbrella gave him command of the Rockfort facility to keep him away from any valuable assets) and honestly checks off so many lolcow sub-groups it's not even funny.

Then there's all the insanity in the later action-oriented titles, but that's a whole post unto itself.

Lucas Baker from VII is a sadistic manchild who is implied to have perved on his sister at some point, and throws a tantrum and storms off, never to be seen again (not counting DLC) after you outsmart him. The rest of the family are also psychotic maniacs, but they’re infected with a parasite or some shit (I don’t remember) that makes them that way, whereas Lucas has freewill and is just naturally like that.

 

[Allen]

Would Joffrey Baratheon qualify as a cow, I wonder?

 

[Shield Breaker]

Would Joffrey Baratheon qualify as a cow, I wonder?

Horror cow.

 

[Dante Alighieri]

Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle: thinks he knows everything, self absorbed, selfish, treats his family and friends like shit, refuses to mature or learn from his mistakes, when he acknowledges his mistakes.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Red Dead Redemption 2 is a massive open-world game with a ridiculously large number of random events. So it’d stand to reason that at least some of the people you’d meet would turn out to be cows. I’m pretty late to jump on the bandwagon so I’ve not explored everything in the game yet, but there were three characters in particular that stuck out to me as cows.

First there’s Mickey. Mickey is a one-armed homeless man that you meet in Valentine, the first town you go to, who claims to be a veteran. He wears a tattered, dirty Union soldier uniform. You can meet Mickey several times throughout the game, and if you choose to be nice to him in each interaction, it’s always hilariously awkward because the gritty, hardened Arthur Morgan is clearly caught off guard by this pathetic fucker. Mickey actively refuses to get a job, insisting that he’s “too old,” and can always be found panhandling in the streets. If you ask him which war he fought in, he evades the question, only answering that it was “one of the real bad ones,” and if you press further he makes up an excuse to end the conversation. You can later get him to confess that he was never actually a soldier, he just started pretending he was to get people to pay attention to him.

Then there’s Bray and Tammy Aberdeen. They at first seem like a married couple, harmless if a little bit too friendly. They’re actually a pair of incestuous siblings who lure people to their house so they can drug and rob them. They’re also predictably weirdly attached to their parents, keeping their mother’s skeleton in a wardrobe.

 

[Jumbo Gay Threat]

I don’t know if this was said or not but Kirk Van Houten from the Simpsons is indeed a lolcow. First off, he’s bald, whiny and is always unemployed. Second, he got a job through his father in law and over time his manager skills are proven to be piss poor that resulted in the company to lose money. Third, he is not a good provider for his family and admitted he never once helped out with the housework. He also gets into stupid slap fights that cost him to lose more than his dignity but most importantly he treats his friends and loved ones quite poorly. For example Kirk openly insults his Wife not being able to cook him a decent meal but fails to understand that she is unhappy with how their life is at the moment and never stops to ask her what she wants.

 

[Notgoodwithusernames]

Yoshikage Kira is anti social, has a hand fetish, collects nail clippings, and Almost certainly has OCD.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Yoshikage Kira is anti social, has a hand fetish, collects nail clippings, and Almost certainly has OCD.

My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink.

I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up.

I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Zote the Mighty from Hollow Knight. He’s extremely self-absorbed and thinks he’s a remarkable warrior, but he’s universally regarded as a joke. The first time you see him, he’s in danger of being killed by a relatively weak enemy. If you choose to save him, he scolds you for coming between him and his “prey.” Every other time you see him he always talks down to you and behaves in a self-aggrandizing way. His boss fight is probably the most embarrassing one in the game. He can’t actually do any damage to you because of his shitty homemade weapon, and you basically just wail on him until the game decides he’s had enough.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

From The Wheel of Time.

Elaida do Avriny A'Roihan

Imagine a Karen, Imagine a Karen with Magic, Imagine a Karen with Magic where women generally hold more political power then men because men mages go insane so the women mages gotta kill them.

The Aes Sedai can be borderline Cows in general, but Elaida takes it to a whole new level. She begins the series as adviser to a queen and her introductory scene involves being in the Queen's throne room, knitting like an old lady while the Queen interrogates and hands down judgement on a potential assassin, while if I recall correctly lounging like she were sitting in her own home instead of A Queen's Throne Room.

From there she only gets worse, she is largely absent from book 2 and 3, then in book 4 she overthrows the Head Mage lady..so she can become the head mage lady. This act causes a Civil War between the Aes Sedai that lasts the majority of the series. While all this was going on The Main character managed to bring two kingdoms, and the Irish Desert Spartians under his banner and declared himself the prophesied savior of the world, including obtaining the sword that only the savior of the world could touch.

Elaida's plan for helping the savior of the world? Kidnap him..stick him in a little box for a week to months long trip to The White Tower (The Aes Sedai homebase) and forget to tell the people who you are having kidnap him to not beat him nearly to death on a daily basis. Thus giving the Savior of the world, who is drawing on a source of magical energy that is slowly driving him insane, Claustrophobia AND PTSD.

Finally, upon capturing her Political Rival in the Aes Sedai Civil War what does she do? Execute her for treason I hear you suggest? NOPE! She instead allows the leader of her opposing faction to live and ignores said Rival's warning that an army of people who hate mages and want to enslave all the mages are coming to attack the White Tower and enslave them all. Now ignoring said warning would be understandable considering that the Rival used her magic dream powers to see the future, EXCEPT Elaida has a different power that also lets her see the future, and that Main Character Savior of the World is currently fighting the army of people who enslave magic users and has been for several books, and to cap all this stupidity off she insists the entire time that she is the greatest leader to have ever existed.

PS. After the Mage Hating army assaults the White Tower and takes her as a slave? She offers to sell out every other Aes Sedai for her personal freedom.

 

[verygayFrogs]

Orson from Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones. He commits treason in exchange for the bad guys reviving his dead wife as essentially an undead sex doll for him. Dude doomed an entire country over blue balls.

Oh, and Carlyle from the same game, who hands his Queen over to the enemy to be killed because she won't screw him. I think he and Elliot Rodger would get along splendidly.

Wasn't expecting page 2 to see some FE Representation. But more on my takes later

Terence T. D'arby from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. He's supposed to be the butler of DIO's mansion, but the only "butlery" thing he's been seen doing is greet the heroes. His entire character is that he's the annoying little brother who thinks he's hot shit. He constantly tries to prove he's cooler and more menacing than his older brother Daniel (who btw, is a much more interesting character). His stand, Atum, has the exact same power of stealing souls just like his brother, except he steals people's souls by beating them in video games. Daniel was a gambler, and his reason for how he stole souls made sense, gambling weakens the soul, but Terence.....just likes to play video games. At one point he recalls back to a time years before where he beat the shit out of his brother for hitting on his girlfriend as an attempt to appear more threatening, the problem with that is his brother isn't violent, he only relies on cunning to defeat his enemies. Tell me, is it impressive for Superman to beat up Lex Luthor? No, because Luthor isn't a fighter. Finally comes his defeat. Daniel was defeated through Jotaro taking a last ditch effort and bluff his way to winning the match. You wanna know how Terence lost? He threw a hissy fit at Jotaro winning when he could've turned left and see someone else was playing for him. When he loses, he starts panicking like a bitch.

I think one of the worst parts is that he was one of the few villains to get 3 episodes dedicated to him, when he really was a total whiner.Still it was pretty satisfying to see him get beaten down

Sounds like a decent amount of people I play smash with

I'm not sure. Ed definitely one of the top five or ten dumbest characters in the history of television, but he's also tremendously generous, unfailingly honest, and is never intentionally cruel to anyone. A tremendous feat when you consider that most anyone else with a sister like Sarah would smother the little bitch to death. Plus, every time I try and picture Ed using a computer, I'm pretty sure it'd go like this:

He's more so like a panda than anything. He's dumb, yet harmless. Especially with a sister like Sarah, you gotta give him credit. Plus aren't all of the main characters still in like 6th grade, which is elementary in many places

After familiarizing myself with JJBA, I think Terence is a bit of a horrorcow, too. One thing that you forgot to mention (or at least, didn't elaborate on) was the fact that the manner in which he steals peoples souls is that he transfers them into dolls. The dolls become alive and conscious, aware of everything that goes on around them and capable of speech but helpless in their situation. Terence listens to their life stories and makes clothes to dress them in. He's essentially a kidnapper who renders his victims helpless, then makes a hobby out of stripping them down and dressing them up. Imagine humans in place of dolls. Yeeeaaaahhh...

Ok now I'm interested, which part is this? I might have to get into Jojo now

Broly from Dragon Ball Z, despite being an immensely powerful Saiyan, could qualify as an off-meds horrorcow.

He's a sociopathic manchild who can't keep his emotions in check. Because of his abnormally high power level, this makes him extremely dangerous and forces his father to essentially act as his tard wrangler and use what could arguably be described as a fantastical equivalent to anti-psychotic meds in order to keep Broly under control.

Upon seeing Goku, however, Broly gets triggered and breaks the crown keeping him under control ("going off his meds"), then he has a massive sperg fit and starts destroying planets and trying to kill Goku and friends. By his second appearance, he's become even lower functioning. In his debut, he at least spoke in complete sentences. When he comes back, all he's able to do is scream, destroy things, and yell "KAKAROT!"

Ordinarily, this would just be called "being a villain," but Broly's a unique case because of how he's presented and his motivation. Yeah, that's another thing: his motivation's pretty fucking weak. The reason he's got such a raging hateboner for Goku? It's 'cause Goku disturbed him with his crying when they were both babies.

Plus wasn't he the only survivor of something? It's been a hot minute since I've seen the movie they came out with a couple years back.


So, who am I entering into the ring?

Spoiler: Camilla from Fire Emblem Fates

I can imagine everyone going nuts rn since she's hot, but that's not the point. The point is her damn near obsessiveness for Corrin (who's a cow in their own right) to the point of incestous content. And Corrin is supposed to be her adoptive sibling.

In conquest you know what she does after Hinoka offers mercy? She nearly cleaves the head off her shoulders but doesn't because the corn cob steps in to tell her no. And almost everyone in this damn fandom justifies her horrific behavior with one line from a B support that most skip over.

Niles from Fates and Rhea from three houses are damn close to this level of horrific traits but they at least have redeeming traits that are shown through out their games rather than one line in a support (Niles being a damn good father and brutally honest while Rhea gives a loving home to one of her sickly experiments that eventually does give birth to the vessel of Rhea's mother but that's more spoilery than I like)

 

[Whatsup bud?]

Im sure someone already said the entire cast of King of the Hill minus John Redcorn.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Wasn't expecting page 2 to see some FE Representation. But more on my takes later

Sounds like a decent amount of people I play smash with

He's more so like a panda than anything. He's dumb, yet harmless. Especially with a sister like Sarah, you gotta give him credit. Plus aren't all of the main characters still in like 6th grade, which is elementary in many places

Ok now I'm interested, which part is this? I might have to get into Jojo now

Plus wasn't he the only survivor of something? It's been a hot minute since I've seen the movie they came out with a couple years back.


So, who am I entering into the ring?

Spoiler: Camilla from Fire Emblem Fates

I can imagine everyone going nuts rn since she's hot, but that's not the point. The point is her damn near obsessiveness for Corrin (who's a cow in their own right) to the point of incestous content. And Corrin is supposed to be her adoptive sibling.

In conquest you know what she does after Hinoka offers mercy? She nearly cleaves the head off her shoulders but doesn't because the corn cob steps in to tell her no. And almost everyone in this damn fandom justifies her horrific behavior with one line from a B support that most skip over.

Niles from Fates and Rhea from three houses are damn close to this level of horrific traits but they at least have redeeming traits that are shown through out their games rather than one line in a support (Niles being a damn good father and brutally honest while Rhea gives a loving home to one of her sickly experiments that eventually does give birth to the vessel of Rhea's mother but that's more spoilery than I like)

Terrence shows up in part 3

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Im sure someone already said the entire cast of King of the Hill minus John Redcorn.

Especially Jimmy Wichard.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle: thinks he knows everything, self absorbed, selfish, treats his family and friends like shit, refuses to mature or learn from his mistakes, when he acknowledges his mistakes.

Most of the characters from that show are cows of some kind.

Reese, Malcolm’s older brother, is a sociopathic exceptional individual. He’s shown to be genuinely gifted at a few things like driving and cooking, but is pretty much unable to function as a person in any other situation. Though this actually manages to work in his favor at times. For example, in one episode where he’s paired up with an even stupider kid for a scavenger hunt, their combined brain power isn’t enough to solve basic riddles. They still win, though, because they realize that they can just beat everyone else up and take the stuff they’ve found.

Francis, the oldest brother, is an interesting case, and is probably the character who gets the most development over the course of the series. At the start, he’s also a compulsive troublemaker like Reese, though he’s substantially smarter. As the series progresses, he starts to change his ways, gets a job and a wife, and begins to act like a responsible adult. Then he loses his job and reverts back to his old self. By the end of the series, he’s not managed to shed his compulsive need to piss his parents off. He gets his life back on track, and gets a good white collar job, but he still chooses to leave his parents in the dark about this and let them think he’s still a deadbeat for no other reason than to piss them off.

Lois is a domineering matron, and Hal is a manchild.

Dewey is the only member of the main cast that isn’t a cow of some kind. He’s got his eccentricities, but he’s basically the Kiwi Farmer of the group, content to sit back and watch everyone else be tards while occasionally egging them on.

 

[Notgoodwithusernames]

Ursurper King Zant From the Legend of Zelda Twilight princess is basically what moviebob would turn out like if he made a deal with a demon to the power to make his superior future a reality: someone who wears a mask of smug superiority while in actuality being a petulant man child who has no actual talent to his name.

 

[Monika H.]

I don't care how many people thinks he's awesome, but Inglorious Basterds' Hans Landa is pretty lolcowish in his way of working (but then again, many IRL Nazis were). He's something of a careercow and horrorcow.
But one of the things that made me scratch my head the most is that it's established early on he's a ruthless opportunist and careerist, yet from his first scene (set three or four years earlier the rest of the movie) he doesn't get a single promotion, and remains a relatively low Standartenfuhrer (SS Colonel) through the movie. It's ridiculous because since he's practically the movie's equivalent of the Joker + Reinhard Heydrich, you'd expect him to be at least in general ranks.

BTW I had read some time ago about an SS police chief who was constantly passed over for promotion and remained an Oberfuhrer (senior colonel) for eight years or so exactly because he did shit like Landa's and pissed off all his superiors up to Heinrich Himmler, so I think Tarantino took inspiration from that.

 

[Lonely Grave]

I'm surprised there hasn't been a mention of Warhammer Fantasy yet - nearly every race and major faction there has a lolcow or horrorcow named character of some sort.

Mannfred von Carstein for the Vampire Counts is a huge lolcow. He has the biggest daddy issues of any other character with daddy issues and because of said issues is an arrogant, backstabbing prick who via such stabbery manages to fuck over the entire setting by killing one of the Incarnates when they were doing their Chaos world-ending rift-sealing ritual, then tries to steal the power of the ritual for himself. Gets killed by Tyrion of the High Elves shortly after, but the damage is done and the old world is consumed.

In a race full of horrorcows and lolcows in equal measure, no other Skaven than the Master Warlock Engineer of Clan Skryre, Ikit Claw, could claim the worst horrorcow title. His sole goal in life is to blow up the whole world for fame and lolz, including the fucking Chaos Moon which he eventually does in the End Times and results in the mass sacrifice of the Lizardmen race to stop the premature extinction of the world. He's also responsible for the setting's A-bomb, the Doomsphere, which works precisely as well as most Skaven tech does (read: horrifyingly well or misfires and kills a bunch of Skavenslaves nearby).

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Some of the rival gangs in Red Dead Redemption 2 are cows of some kind, like the Murfree Brood (inbred horrorcows) and the Lemoyne Raiders (basically 19th century western mall ninjas), but the biggest offenders are hands-down the Ku Klux Klan. They don’t really factor into the story, but a lot of times you can happen across one of their cross burning meetings. They’re all woefully incompetent, and if you leave them alone, they’ll always end up getting themselves killed through their own stupidity, like lightning themselves on fire while trying to set the cross ablaze, or having said cross topple over and crush them. Looting their corpses will yield letters that detail how they’re all pathetic losers in their day-to-day lives. They’re not even the real Klan; the KKK wasn’t actually active during 1899 to 1907 when the game takes place. They’re just a bunch of idiotic wannabes.

A few of the people who give out side quests are cows, too. Like Jeremy Gill, the alleged greatest fisherman in the world. When you meet him, he’s shocked that you don’t know who he is, and acts smug and condescending even though he’s a nobody. He’s the one who gives you the legendary fish questline, basically because he says that no one will care if you catch them cause you’re a nobody, but they will if he does cause he’s a “hyooj celebritee.”

The one time we do see him actually try and catch anything it ends up getting him killed.