Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
Some of the rival gangs in Red Dead Redemption 2 are cows of some kind, like the Murfree Brood (inbred horrorcows) and the Lemoyne Raiders (basically 19th century western mall ninjas), but the biggest offenders are hands-down the Ku Klux Klan. They don’t really factor into the story, but a lot of times you can happen across one of their cross burning meetings. They’re all woefully incompetent, and if you leave them alone, they’ll always end up getting themselves killed through their own stupidity, like lightning themselves on fire while trying to set the cross ablaze, or having said cross topple over and crush them. Looting their corpses will yield letters that detail how they’re all pathetic losers in their day-to-day lives. They’re not even the real Klan; the KKK wasn’t actually active during 1899 to 1907 when the game takes place. They’re just a bunch of idiotic wannabes.

A few of the people who give out side quests are cows, too. Like Jeremy Gill, the alleged greatest fisherman in the world. When you meet him, he’s shocked that you don’t know who he is, and acts smug and condescending even though he’s a nobody. He’s the one who gives you the legendary fish questline, basically because he says that no one will care if you catch them cause you’re a nobody, but they will if he does cause he’s a “hyooj celebritee.”

The one time we do see him actually try and catch anything it ends up getting him killed.


True & Honest Fan
Karras from Thief 2: The Metal Age is sort of lolcowish. One who was successful and almost destroyed the world practically, but he carries traits of one.

He has this god complex and believes machines are inherently better than people. He sought to wipe out all that wasn't metal through a complicated scheme that involved capturing and enslaving people from off the streets and asylums and having them wear masks that make them do whatever they are told.

Some of his followers point out some of his hypocrisy when he talks about how he needed human hands for some of his plans which makes him throw a tantrum. Said followers end up having masks put on them as well.

He created robots that chant and chant about how great he and the Master Builder are. (Mostly Karras though). He did the recording for all of their voices, so he's basically praising himself.

And to top that all off, he sounds like Droopy the fucking Dog.


South American Tapir

Dumb people haul trash around
The Coast to Coast incarnation of Space Ghost.

- Extremely full of himself
- Has chimp-outs over minor things, usually ending with him blowing shit up
- Has no real friends; only surrounds himself with his former enemies who hate his guts (and Brak)
- Any mistakes he makes, he blames on someone else
- Treats his guests like trash and/or asks them ridiculous and oftentimes unprofessional questions.
- One bumper has Zorak show that he when he was unemployed in the 80's, he was fat and watched Soap Operas all day
- Made his own mother nearly freeze to death on an ice planet for his show
- Ended up in prison

Brak's Dad on The Brak Show also qualifies, being a delusional, unemployed manlet


Puts the rave in depraved
Salander from girl with the dragon tattoo at certain parts, mostly alright but the whole 1000 iq hacker illuminati shit is kinda cringy