Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -


Do y’all know what suck the heads means?
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Karras from Thief 2: The Metal Age is sort of lolcowish. One who was successful and almost destroyed the world practically, but he carries traits of one.

He has this god complex and believes machines are inherently better than people. He sought to wipe out all that wasn't metal through a complicated scheme that involved capturing and enslaving people from off the streets and asylums and having them wear masks that make them do whatever they are told.

Some of his followers point out some of his hypocrisy when he talks about how he needed human hands for some of his plans which makes him throw a tantrum. Said followers end up having masks put on them as well.

He created robots that chant and chant about how great he and the Master Builder are. (Mostly Karras though). He did the recording for all of their voices, so he's basically praising himself.

And to top that all off, he sounds like Droopy the fucking Dog.


South American Tapir

Dumb people haul trash around
The Coast to Coast incarnation of Space Ghost.

- Extremely full of himself
- Has chimp-outs over minor things, usually ending with him blowing shit up
- Has no real friends; only surrounds himself with his former enemies who hate his guts (and Brak)
- Any mistakes he makes, he blames on someone else
- Treats his guests like trash and/or asks them ridiculous and oftentimes unprofessional questions.
- One bumper has Zorak show that he when he was unemployed in the 80's, he was fat and watched Soap Operas all day
- Made his own mother nearly freeze to death on an ice planet for his show
- Ended up in prison

Brak's Dad on The Brak Show also qualifies, being a delusional, unemployed manlet
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Puts the rave in depraved
Salander from girl with the dragon tattoo at certain parts, mostly alright but the whole 1000 iq hacker illuminati shit is kinda cringy


Do y’all know what suck the heads means?
True & Honest Fan
Ricardo from Haunting Ground (Demento in Japan) is a full blown horrorcow.

He kidnaps our main protagonist, Fiona, an eighteen year old girl and locks her in a castle with the express intent of knocking her up. Reason being is that he wants to use her "Azoth". This isn't exactly explained in-game, but is stated to be a way towards immortality so she can give birth to a clone of him.

And if you were bad towards Hewie the entire game, he does EXACTLY that. The bad ending of the game has Fiona sitting in a room alone, laughing maniacally while rubbing her very pregnant belly.

If you got killed by him, during the game over screen, you can hear sounds that suggest he is raping Fiona's dead body.

And if that's not fucked up enough, it is revealed towards the end that he and Fiona's father are actually clones of the big bad of the game, Lorenzo. So not only is he a crazed rapist, he's technically your uncle.

He also says this before the last fight with him.

I just remembered one

Mineta from BnHA. He’s cowardly and more determined on a love quest than Chris Chan. So the place the class goes on a field trip to is attacked, what does he do? Panic more than anyone else and gropes a female classmate (who is also 15). Field day equivalent? Straps himself to one of the other female classmates in order to not do anything. Here’s just a quick rundown of everything else
  • Poked a hole in the girls locker room so he can see
  • Tried to climb over the bathhouse wall to see nearly naked girls (who are 15-16)
  • Offers a fucking melon to someone who broke both of his own arms
  • Goes through a third classmate’s underwear drawer
  • Talks about what he’s gonna wack off to that day as he brushes his teeth in front of company.
  • Rubs it in to someone’s face about how he passed and they didn’t when they didn’t pass because of someone from a rival school who has beef with them just because of their dad.
  • Wants to become a hero just for girls
And somehow this kid hasn’t been expelled from a pro hero school and somehow has a 5/5 intellect and 4/5 on cooperation despite being the most unlikeable hero next to endeavor (who fucking abused his wife and kids but is actually successful even if he is a dick) and this is all for “comic relief.”

Zaphod Beeblebrox from HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Described as "the worst dressed person in the galaxy", Zaphod is an impossibly egotistical, responsibility-shirking celebrity who only becomes president because he's flashy enough to divert attention away from the true rulers of the galaxy. of the galaxy to steal immediately the galaxy's fastest space-ship, the heart of gold.
One of his most famous lines is "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."
He's so delusionally egotistical, in fact, that even being subjected to a machine which shows you, in excruciating, existentially horrifying clarity, your insignificant size in proportion to the impossibly large universe, he still came away from the experience thinking "Damn I'm cool!".
He also unironically used the pick-up line "I'm from a different planet, wanna see my spaceship", which is fucking hilarious.

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
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Daniel Larusso from the Karate Kid movies. He has no friends besides an elderly Japanese man who uses him for slave labor. He gets beat up constantly in the first movie. The first girl he dates breaks up with him immediately after he wins the tournament in the first movie in the opening scenes of he second movie for "some football player jock".

He follows Miyagi to Japan even though Miyagi didn't want him to, meets another young lady there who he tries to date. At the movies end she agrees to come to America with him. Things are starting to look up for Mr. Larusso finally.

Unfortunately, the third movie begins, he and Miyagi come back to America without Kumiko, his new Japanese girlfriend because she made up some fictitious "dancing school" in Tokyo that gave her an offer to be a student there. In reality, this was just an excuse to get away from Danielsan. Miyagi and Daniel return to their old apartment complex only to arrive just in time as the place is being torn down. Their elderly, senile neighbor rightfully calls the destruction of the apartments "progress" and aptly calls Danielsan and Miyagi, "the two clowns".

In the second film, Daniel and Miyagi hustle some American service men living at an American Army base in Okinawa and make a nice chunk of change which Miyagi insists Daniel use for his college education. What does Daniel do with the money when he gets back to America? He uses it to "rent" quite possibly the shittiest "shack" in all of California so that Miyagi can open his Bonzai Tree business instead of going to college.

Daniel meets yet another girl in the third film that he strikes out with, once again for the third time (notice a pattern). He asks her out on a date, she agrees, but waits to tell Daniel once he picks her up for the date that she has a boyfriend "back home" in the state that she is from. Instead of being dejected at yet another girl turning him down, Daniel excitedly agrees to go out with her anyway, stating "Oh, we can go dutch!!" So not only does Daniel mix with women as well as oil mixes with water, he is also a cheapskate, unwilling to pay for an outing with a friend. What a guy! And this is supposed to be the films hero.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Daniel was a beanpole in the first two films, skinny as all hell. In the third movie, Daniel appears to have put on at least 45 pounds, which all went to his hips and ass. Needless to say, it isn't very flattering.

When Mike Barnes, "Karate's Badboy" challenges Daniel to his All Valley title, he asks Miyagi to help him train. Now, Miyagi has already protected Daniel, trained him in the two previous movies, given him a place to live, and saved his life on at least two occassions. But on this one occassion, due to Miyagi's morals, he refuses to train Daniel. Extremely angered by this, Daniel yells at his only friend and treats him with contempt, just because Miyagi's morals prevent him from doing this.

Then the tournament rolls around and Daniel gets his ass handed to him. The only way he wins is due to cheating by using Kata, which is specifically against the rules in the All Valley Karate Tournament. Of course the referee lets it go since he is the one that wrote the inflammatory tabloid about "Karate's Badboy" Mike Barnes.

I can think of no greater Lolcow than Daniel LaRusso in an 80s movie.

To shed some further light on the issue, please refer to these Youtube videos. They are highly informative as well as hilarious. They reveal the truth of the Karate Kid movies and pay tribute to the real heroes of the film, The Cobra Kai, led by Sensei John Kreese: The Greatest Karate Man I have ever known, as well as another great Karate Student, War Hero, Industrialist, Philanthropist, Mentor, Teacher, and President of Dynatox Industries, Terry Silver.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

In the Cobra Kai show, Daniel is much less of a cow, but still has some pretty solid traits of one. In the time between Karate Kid 3 and the show, he’s become very successful; he has a hot wife, a great family (well mostly; his son is a fat, lazy piece of shit, but I digress), a nice house, and he runs a successful car dealership. Then Johnny Lawrence reopens the Cobra Kai dojo, and we slowly begin to realize that Daniel is the same asshole he’s always been.

Daniel decides to start teaching Miyagi-Do karate, pretty much for no other reason than because he’s salty that his childhood rival from 30 years ago would dare to try and make a living by teaching karate. Daniel still doesn’t know anything about actually de-escalating conflicts, something Miyagi was a pro at, and as such he fails to teach his students about it. This comes back to bite everyone in the ass hard at the end of season 2.

His petty obsession with getting back at Johnny put a strain on both his business and his marriage, with his poor wife being forced to manage the car dealership by herself, and repeatedly being stuck as the voice of reason trying to get through to Daniel about what a childish idiot he’s being trying to one-up his childhood rival.

EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot, even WITH the successful car dealership, there’s still an air of patheticness to it; as seen in all of his advertising, he’s still milking the hell out of his tournament victories from decades ago. The whole thing is very reminiscent of Al Bundy and his “four touchdowns in one game” of high school football. At one point, his rival dealership owner even points this out, saying that it isn’t as big of a deal as Daniel makes it out to be.
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I dunno if anyone mentioned the ADL dudes in Yakuza 2 but the look of Kiryu seeing himself in such a situation and trying to be as polite as possible makes me feel for the guy whilst also laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

Remember kids,Yakuza is a Serious Crime Thriller.

I do wonder if other Sub-Story characters can come across as lolcows.
I know that the Sotenbori Mr. Libido may count since he is an Ultra Coomer who runs in public in his underwear but I cannot really dislike the guy in any capacity for some reason.


No matter.. I shall checkmate you shortly
The Deep from the amazon prime show called "The Boys".

This show has a evil parody version of the Justice League called The Seven, and the Deep is pretty much the Aqua Man stand in character. Except from that he is nowhere near as powerful or cool as Aqua Man, and is honestly pretty pathetic.

On the first episode, he blackmails the new member of the Seven called Starlight into giving him a blowjob. She #Metoo's him, and he gets kicked out of The Seven. The rest of show his being a giant fucking lolcow.

Best moment is when he tries to save a Dolphin, has dirty sex talk with the Dolphin and accidentally kills the Dolphin lol.


Xandius Maximus

Been on the NEET pill for over 1300 years
Chaka from Black Lagoon.

In a world full of cool and unscrupulous outlaws, Chaka sets himself apart by being a pompous cowardly weakling pretending to be best of them. He sees himself as the ultimate gunman, whose skills match no other, and when he meets Revy, he boasts about his meager kill count and tells her he wants to have sex with her. Then he beats up the protagonist Rock who's working as the Japanese translator of the Russian Mafia's boss — who was in negotiation with Chaka's own boss, all to goad Revy into fighting him and showing off her skills.

He and his gang then kidnap and molest his boss's daughter and intends to turn her over to the Russians and become the new boss of the clan. When Rock, Revy, and the daughter's bodyguard Ginji arrive to save her, he calls his men pussies for taking cover from gunfire, while he himself retreats from the bowling alley with the Yakuza boss's daughter as a human shield, then he loses his hostage when he slips on a wet floor and gets hit in the head with a bowling pin by Rock — one of the least combat adept characters in the setting. And when his remaining mooks tell him they wanna bail he shoots them in the back, even though it would mean leaving him outnumbered.

When he's confronted by Revy and Ginji by an indoor swimming pool, he's excited that he finally gets to duel Revy, but before he can pull the trigger on his gun, Ginji slices his hands off, knocks him into a pool and uses the back of his katana to drown Chaka as he bleeds out, all while Chaka thrashes his arms and shrieks threats at Ginji as he struggles to stay afloat since he can't swim.
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Rat Lord

Them filthy rodents are still coming for your soul
Dandy from Space Dandy. Dudes a fucking dumbass moron who hunts aliens and frequents a hooters-esque bar called BooBies to indulge in his ass fetish. His incompetence is always getting himself fucked over, and turned down being GOD because that means he can't go to BooBies anymore.
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Nyneave al'Meara from The Wheel of Time. Holy shit that bitch. Lolcow on a world with no internets. But to be fair, since Women are in charge, she's not too out of the norm for that universe in some ways.
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