Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

Legoshi

Evil cislesbian rabbits, suck my she-wolf dick!
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The main cast of The Inbetweeners and Derry Girls are absolute lolcows, they're so desperately awkward and screw up nearly every situation they're in. The Inbetweeners (Jay is the most lulzy) are probably more so because they nearly ended up getting criminal records more than a few times.
 

Rupert Bear

utrrbeapre.html
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I was actually gonna say @M'aiq the Liar would be like a Terry figure that gets a cult following traveling around in search of him to seek his wisdom. Thread would be dedicated to figuring out what statements of his are lies and which ones are truths.
He'd probably be a bethesda shill, seeing how many of his dialogue lines in the games are basically the devs defending changes made to the games.
 

Prophetic Spirit

You can't stand a chance against my smugness
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You know, now that you mention it Korra makes a much better lolcow than she does a hero.
Lmao, in that case, she can be a nice example of being lolcow is his own universe:
  • Spitting shit about Equalism and later get fucked by the leader.
  • Opens several portals around the world, leaving a huge possibility of invasion of evil spirits or armies (fuck Tenzin too).
  • Get rekt'd by the leader of a anarchist group (earlier she's victim of a powerful mercury-based toxin).
  • Destroyed by a woman general of the Republic, and the real way of how Korra can stopped the Republic City's attack was Kuvira having a stroke about mommy problems. Nice argument to ending your final season, fucking Bryke piece of shit.
  • Asami is basically the real villain in all the series but overthrowed by the same fandom
Basically Korra is the finest example of being a anti-thesis of near everything heroic in classical literature. And even with the main plot getting fucked near every season and the protagonist "reseting" her progress for some fucking gay reason.

I'm still support the theory either Bryan or Mike are potential lolcows.
 

JohnMcAfee

Political Juice Historian and Software Degenerate.
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Kenny "Kick" Dermot from Dead Rising 3. A literal sociopath, comically nerdy, probably lives in mom's basement and browses internet forums (Wink!), manipulator, the list goes on.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Clay Jensen from 13 Reasons Why. By the last season he becomes a full blown skitzocow. What really drives this home is that in season 4, an attempted school shooter ends up being the more levelheaded one in a conversation with Clay.
 

The Last Stand

Be very, VERY gay.
True & Honest Fan
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Captain Hero from Drawn Together. Acts like a child, pretends he's a superhero, will let anyone or anything fuck him, Mommy and Daddy issues out the ass, rapes animals, cries like a little bitch when he doesn't get his way, bedwetter.

Toot Braunstein, too, especially early on when she'd cry and cut herself and eat an entire fridge whenever a guy wouldn't give her dick.
The whole Drawn Together cast would be lolcow worthy.

Brian Griffin

Pretentious drunkard addict sleazebag who grifts everyone about how smart and progressive he is to get acknowledgment as a superior being. Also to get pussy. Classic m'lady babyraging soycow.
Brian Griffin is the prime example of "go woke go broke" in the most condescending way possible. Maybe a Careercow at the most because he's not a good writer. He has an alcohol problem and issues with the ladies. Potential Metoo?

Joan Crawford...

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The Momma Dearest rendition. Manipulative, vain, alcoholic, but is talented.


Her magnum opus.
 

make_it_so

Just watching all this shit
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Kivas Fajo from the Star Trek TNG episode "The Most Toys." Basically a manchild with an obsession for collecting rare, one of a kind items - including Data. Acts like a complete vindictive brat when Data won't comply with his desires to entertain him, resorting to threatening his own assistant. When she does eventually help Data escape, he kills her in cold blood - and then blames Data for it. When the tables do turn, he of course acts like so many lolcows - following the common chain of going from arrogant, to angry, to ultimately whining like a little bitch.

The episode "Samaritan Snare" features and entire race of lolcows, the Pakleds.
Imagine if Chris-chan cloned himself.
Of course it's revealed that their whole trouble was really a trap to get someone to add more weapons and technology to their vessel - but like many lolcows, in the end they were outsmarted by some very obvious tricks.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Di Lung is the best character on the show.

And to be fair he is shown at various times to be ridiculously smart and talented. In one episode, he builds a super advanced robot dog that’s better than Courage in every way, and the only reason he loses in that episode is because his robot’s battery drains while it’s kicking Courage’s ass. In another episode, he creates a serum that’s supposed to transform people into buffalo...for some reason. He tests it on Courage, and while it doesn’t work and turns him into a fly instead, that’s still pretty impressive (not to mention the fact that he does perfect it by the end of the episode). Then there was the time that he graduated from “perfect school” and built a life sized Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks.
 

albert chan

TWAIN 2024
True & Honest Fan
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Do Jack and Rose from Titanic count as fictional Lolcows? They tried to fall in love, even though Jack was clearly out of Rose’s league and the boat ended up sinking.

Also, it made the real life James Cameron have a Howard Dean moment at the Oscars.

 

Truthboi

The True and Honest Man
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Ikari Shinji
Nishijou Takumi
Matou Shinji
Shirazumi Lio
Uryuu Ryuunosuke
Ushiromiya Kinzo

I already gave an explanation of why Shinji is a lolcow in UBW here

Shinji probably was a full on lolcow in the Unlimited Blade Works route the most out of the other routes (he was just a cowardly cunt in the Fate route and a Horrorcow in Heaven's Feel). He pretty much did the following that would classify him as a cow in UBW:


>Tried to flirt/hit on the most popular girl in school (Rin) and kept failing at it
>Kept giggling like a psychopath out in the open for no reason
>Has massive sperg outs over being called useless or anyone putting his ego down
>Acted like he was hot shit
>Blames all of his problems on others instead of acknowledging he made mistakes
>Got trolled by Kotomine and Gilgamesh into thinking he was given the latter as a servant so he can still fight in the war for showing "resolve" when really it was just to have a back up vessel and for their amusement
>Was bossed around by Gilgamesh while thinking he was the one in charge.
>Tried to flirt with the maids of an enemy to take him to them thinking they'd take him seriously or listen to them
>Sucked up to both Shirou and Rin to propose alliances with them then makes death threats with rejection
>Runs away like a bitch screaming after getting a poke from a spear

There's not much else to him being a cow then that except somehow he's very popular with women in his school (except for the named characters). Only other notable thing there is about him in UBW besides turning into a grail was that after his survival, Nasu (the creator of FSN) implied that Shinji humbles out after UBW to just being a regular haughty teenager.


tl;dr Shinji is basically the DSP of Fate characters.

but as for Ryuunosuke, he'd be a definite horrorcow given the following:

  • Murders Children for fun
  • Thinks the evil shit he's doing is A-Okay because God loves evil as much as he loves good
  • Acts like a tard around his would-be victims
  • Also murders people to make art projects out of their bodies
  • Got his ass kicked by a 10 year old more competent at magic than him
  • Cheers for a eldritch abomination killing people thinking it is "cool"
  • Screams how things are cool at every opportunity even encouraging his servant to do evil things for fun
  • Possibly gets turned on by murder (Blushes at the sight of horrible things happening)
  • Became a killer because society was too normal for him

I think Harley Quinn would have her own subforum.

Oh definitely given her various escapades that range from being a villain to vigilante justice, though I think given the nature of all the batman villains, they'd have their own subforum given every single batman villain is a lolcow (except for Mr. Freeze and Ra's Al Ghul along with the mafia bosses/white collar villains)


For another lolcow I think every protagonist of a video game creepypasta because they are all melodramatic crybabies who freak out over scary things in video games before the actual horror stuff happens.
 

Sir Joahim Browinson III

Globowizzard deepstate superagent
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Andrew Ryan would be the biggest lolcow of American Industry:
  • Has borderline irrational fear for authorities to the point of deep paranoia.
  • When church damanded nationalisation of a forrest he threw a tantrum and burned to the ground, ruining local ecosystem an dumping cubic litters of CO2 into the atmosphere.
  • Presumably had shit tons of money and connections to hold western block by the balls. Decided that underwater ancappistan is better idea.
  • Hired a litteral plumber to make him the most advanced piping system, just because he liked how he fixed his tub
  • Ignored all the potential technical problems Rapture might face in near future because of muh eden
  • Atheist
  • Still made up a litteral god of Objectivism rationalising all the inhuman bullshit happening in the city through it.
  • Allowed Tenenbaum to do science
  • Allowed Cohen to do anything his way
  • Showed incredible dencity toward obvious problems. Was too busy banging mistresses.
  • Almost destroyed Rapture in his second big tantrum.
  • Had infinite respawns and deduced the codephrase, yet decided to not do anything and just die.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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For another lolcow I think every protagonist of a video game creepypasta because they are all melodramatic crybabies who freak out over scary things in video games before the actual horror stuff happens
My favorite of these is “Blood Whistle” because that one doesn’t actually have any supernatural elements. The romhack in the story is literally just a romhack and the main character ends up killing himself because he feels a personal connection with Mario or some shit and playing the game is too much for him to put Mario through that. As though Mario were real and not just pixels on a screen.
 

Truthboi

The True and Honest Man
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My favorite of these is “Blood Whistle” because that one doesn’t actually have any supernatural elements. The romhack in the story is literally just a romhack and the main character ends up killing himself because he feels a personal connection with Mario or some shit and playing the game is too much for him to put Mario through that. As though Mario were real and not just pixels on a screen.
The funniest part is the main character knew it was a romhack too
 
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