Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

brookslazor

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Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows is such a lolcow
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Peru oso donas

ME ENCANTA SER NAZI
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Ralph basically is an amphibian version of John Kricfalusi (even though he clearly is supposed to be an amphibian version of Joe Murray), to the point where he deliberately tries to get himself fired from his cartoon-making job because he no longer believes that cartoons are an art form that is "high" enough to be worthy of him being one of its creators.
Don't forget that he troons out in the netflix special too.

Also if i have to mention a fictional lolcow, Pandra from Blaze Union is basically a walking ANTIFA stereotype: He forms a "rebellion" as an excuse to plunder from both the rich AND the poor, creeps on all of your female party members if you fight him with them, when he is beaten he spergs out and throws himself of a canyon JUST for the slight chance he might survive instead of facing consequence for his actions, and in the one route of the game where he does survive, when you kill him for real, he brags about how he will totally be remembered as a revolutionary.
 

Daisy

I have a complicated relationship with Mondays
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I definitely can name a few rather huge lolcows that Rocko's Modern Life contains; for starters, here are the five biggest ones, which I have decided to split into two groups:

1) The Bigheads (Beverly, Ralph, and ESPECIALLY Edward): Beverly is an utterly disgusting pervert who blatantly tries to coerce Rocko into having downright-astonishingly weird inter-species sex with her at LEAST once over the course of the series despite Edward clearly being her husband (also, for some fucking reason, she and Edward both have a dinner-plate-breaking fetish). Ralph basically is an amphibian version of John Kricfalusi (even though he clearly is supposed to be an amphibian version of Joe Murray), to the point where he deliberately tries to get himself fired from his cartoon-making job because he no longer believes that cartoons are an art form that is "high" enough to be worthy of him being one of its creators. Last but DEFINITELY not least, Edward is a grouchy old douchebag who EASILY rivals the one that Eustace Bagge is in Courage TCD and is both genocidally racist and an INCREDIBLY massive and egomaniacal hypocrite who speaks in quite-possibly THE most excessively dramatic way that any Nick character other than Zim and Ren has ever spoken in.

2) Heffer and Filburt: Heffer is a total Fat Idiot who also is both a total adoptive-mother-worshipping man-baby and a complete embodiment of gluttony, while Filburt is a downright-hilariously stereotypical Jewish nerd who is made "nauseous" by basically EVERYTHING and also throws blatantly autistic hissy fits over basically EVERYTHING due to actually being almost as much of a man-child as Heffer. Also, the two of them both seem to have a rather-disturbingly intense desire to have sex with Rocko, which is something that they often do not even TRY to hide; quite-possibly the show's most extreme example of the two of them shamelessly showing off said desire can be seen here:

Heffer's not an LOLcow, he's an LOLsteer.

(Seriously, though, he totally fits the profile, A+)
 

Xerxes IX

New cat, who this?
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My favorite of these is “Blood Whistle” because that one doesn’t actually have any supernatural elements. The romhack in the story is literally just a romhack and the main character ends up killing himself because he feels a personal connection with Mario or some shit and playing the game is too much for him to put Mario through that. As though Mario were real and not just pixels on a screen.
Is that the one where the protagonist talked up how educated he is because he's going to college?

..Fuck, between the bragging about education and obsessing over Super Mario Bros 3 I think Blood Whistle is about MovieBob.
 

Aaa0aaa0

batman is BLEEDING gotham dry!
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Nominating Arkhamverse Riddler for lolcowdom, specifically Arkham Knight when he truly breaks.

He keeps trying to one up a man dressed as a militarized furry by constructing elaborate deathtraps and is hyperfocused on outsmarting him, to the point of ignoring his own mental and physical health. He starts one of the challenges by outlining 10 autistic rules including always addressing him with respect, no bathroom breaks during challenges, and how he will direct the man he insist on outsmarting and hopefully killing out of the building in case there is a fire emergency instead of trapping him and letting him die. He programs an army of robots and makes them see him as god, and admits he has no friends. When he delivers challenges so he can beat the knight fairly, he cheats instead then accuses Batman of cheating, shifting the blame.


He could have retired by hacking into the stock market and fucking off to aruba banging whores every single night, but a woman dressed as a slutty cat steals all his 4 billion dollarydoos while he's stuck in jail instead. Crazy uncle Eddie really lost it after Arkham City.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Is that the one where the protagonist talked up how educated he is because he's going to college?

..Fuck, between the bragging about education and obsessing over Super Mario Bros 3 I think Blood Whistle is about MovieBob.
Yup that’s the one. The college student who committed suicide over a Mario romhack.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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Calvin Candie from Django Unchained. He tries to act like a cultured “southern gentleman” type, but is in truth an idiot who can barely function as a human being. He insists on being addressed as “monsieur” instead of “mister,” but does not actually speak French. He names one of his slaves after a character in the Three Musketeers, but is shown to be ignorant about the fact that not only would the book’s author not approve of his harsh treatment of slaves, but he himself was half black. There’s a part where he hears the word “panache” and clearly doesn’t know what it means, but tries to act like he does anyway. He fancies himself a phrenologist, something that had already been debunked as pseudoscientific garbage by the time the movie is supposed to take place, so even for the time he’s an idiot. If his horrible brown teeth are anything to go by, he also has atrocious hygiene.
 

NumberingYourState

Our fate lies in the moons tilt and shine
True & Honest Fan
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David Kelsey from Patricia Highsmith's This Sweet Sickness has a respectable career as a chemist and is recognized by his peers, but he's completely stuck with a futile goal to marry a woman named Anabelle after being out of the picture for over a year. She has not only moved on with someone else, but is raising a child with that someone else - Gerald DeLaney. After repeatedly being told to stop sending letters to their address, Gerald appears at David Kelsey's getaway weekend house, to whom he signed under the pseudonym "William Newmeister". The two get into an exchange which becomes physical, with David punching Gerald down in a way that fatally injures then kills him thereafter.

David decides to take advantage of his pseudonym to frame the murder as a misaimed act of aggression on Geralds part ending in disaster, what happens after is a haphazard game of cat and mouse as David slips further away from reality. Throughout this mental breakdown, a woman by the name of Effie, constantly attempts to get through to him and even expressses her love. Effie's acknowledgement then inaction towards Davids murder of Gerald makes her a horribly incompetent accessory. Not only that, but David is so delusional he rejects the very possibility of another woman besides Annabelle caring about him.

The entire concept of someone, ANYONE, like David "William Newmeister" Kelsey is the type of narcissistic loner who, despite having inroads with respected figures in science, calls his life a meager circle of possibilities with each offering essentially nothing. He kills himself after completely snapping and being on the run from the cops after having murdered Effie.
 
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Yuuichirou Kumada

Second chaddest simp in anime
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My namesake is a lolcow, I gotta admit.
Clumsy as fuck and with an unrequited crush on Rei, who treats him poorly on almost every occasion and, from what is shown, leads him on and makes him do shitloads of work for her, which he does without batting an eye. In other words, a total fucking simp.

He also has no spine to speak of, since he goes along with pretty much anything his old master Grandpa Hino conjures up, which more often than not are plans doomed to fail, because he is also a lowcow.

He also got a jealous fit over Haruka being "intimate" with Rei, complete with trying (and utterly failing) to beat the shit outta "him". Supposedly for seeing "him" cheating on Rei after seeing "him" hooking up with another girl (in this case, her real girlfriend Michiru), but it's clear he just wanted to get back at the guy who stole his girl. He would have done the same to Mamoru, but in this case he "only" got to burn his bum on the hot springs.

Not to mention it's of his own making: He's shown to not only have the looks, but also the moves to charm the panties off pretty much any girl he wishes. But no, he insists in trying to charm Rei, who's just not into him. In one occasion, he even literally grovels at her for daring go after other girls (a way Grandpa Hino came up for him to get over her), whereas not only Rei doesn't give a shit, she's been eyeing other guys in the meantime.

Then again, when he picked up his shit and left out of shame over the Haruka incident, she was a total shambles and got convinced by her fellow Senshi to make amends with him, with the implication she does like him back, but again, nothing came out of it.

Oh, and from what I've seen from the original English dub, he's supposedly a rockstar in the making, and not a particularly talented one.
 

Syaoran Li

They're Coming To Get You, Barbara!
True & Honest Fan
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The protagonists from the August Underground movies are extreme horrorcows that'd be on par with Nick Bate or the Zoosadists if they were real.

Harold Lauder from The Stand checks off so many lolcow boxes that it's not even funny.
 

Omnium Ultimatus

Gondola has transcended samsara
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A lot of the Moonrace characters from Turn A Gundam are prime lolcow material, courtesy of their cryogenic technology apparently having a chance of causing retardation, so much so that it's baffling how they managed to survive as a technologically superior sci-fi civilization. While Queen Dianna and Harry Ord are pretty reasonable and dignified, the rest of their ilk act like a bunch of mollycoddled manchildren LARPing as soldiers with fancy toys,
But if I had to pick one Moonrace character who best exemplifies cowdom, it would be Gym (pronounced Jim) Ghingham.
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Apart from the hilarious name to any Anglophone (along with other Gundam gems such as Hymen, Vageena, Jamaican, Gato, Banagher Links, and Full Frontal) and his cringeworthy design, this fucker is just some samurai wannabe weeaboo with an actual katana to drive the point home and even uses it at one point to slash a holographic image of Dianna and laugh maniacally afterwards, alone and for seemingly no reason. And the best part? He has no actual combat experience. He's only fought in simulations for centuries, meaning he's experienced less war than most of the other mech pilots in the Correct Century timeline in spite of claiming to love war and conflict. Despite all this, he somehow managed to become the leader of the faction opposing Dianna on the Moon.

His overall goal is to usher in a new age of war by using the Turn X mech and his arrested development subordinates to invade the Earth and unleash a wave of mass destruction. He thinks so highly of himself as the pilot of the legendary Turn X mech that he kills one of his subordinates to test its weapons and shoots down a ship full of his allies, which only made him easier to target. When he and the protagonist Loran (a tiny dark-skinned trap) impale each others' mechs, he challenges him to a katana duel, but he's so absorbed in his fight that he doesn't notice being cocooned by the "combined energy" of the damaged mechs, and he's kept alive in a cocoon for the rest of time while Loran goes off banging Dianna in a cozy cabin in the woods (or vice versa).

For the final boss of what was the culminative end point of several Gundam timelines, Gym turned out to be pretty anticlimatic, but pretty fun to make fun of.
 
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TungstenCarbide

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Herr Starr from Preacher. He has all these grand projects for the future of the world and the safety of civilization, he hatches plans to obtain what he wants only to end into absurd and dangerous situations that have crippling and/or humiliating outcomes.
 

Cheerlead-in-Chief

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On the topic of books:
As Summer's Mask Slips and Other Disruptions (a complete and utter failure of a horror book with shitty short stories with '90's clichés despite it being published in 2017)
First story: Jesse
A genderqueer witch, that admits to giving hand jobs to the jocks in the gym locker room is magic uwu, after getting slapped by a female bully and the guy he gave hand jobs to calls him a freak and leans into Jesse's ear to call him a faggot (the other "f-word") he bursts into tears
"
The Lure of the Lollipop Tree" : Jim
A guy that did something horrible and was run out of his old town with his wife. He regularly fucks a hooker, and thinks he knocked up his wife. Gives her an STI. He goes to die in the hooker's house to be absorbed by its walls, Junji Ito-style

Isabel Allende's debut novel has Esteban Trueba, who only has two modes in the first part: Angry and Horny (this will come into play in the next sentences): A horror cow that in the hacienda/property his drunkard father ruined (and without any hint of irony burns it in his old age) he gets so horny (despite one arranged marriage to Rosa, who died from poisoned alcohol meant for her father and her corpse kissed by a mortician and a necrophiliac assistant and Clara, who was traumatized by watching her older sister die but breaks her mutism to state "Lol, Esteban's gonna ask for my hand in marriage at 19) that he routinely rapes every woman, including a virgin named Pancha....who is so butt hurt that she raises her grandson Esteban Garcia like this: "If your shitty grandpa didn't have these legitimate ho's, YOU WOULD HAVE HIS MANSION"....oh and Esteban Trueba literally is unaware of his illegitimate grandson molesting his "legitimate" granddaughter since 11. ("Oh, the women in haciendas always name their descendatnts after the Patron." The best part is that he begs a Caribbean hooker to save the granddaughter from him by spilling out his guts for nearly 4 pages in the penultimate chapter. :stress:
 
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Syaoran Li

They're Coming To Get You, Barbara!
True & Honest Fan
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Dr. Logan from Day of the Dead would be a horrorcow for sure.

Wooley from Dawn of the Dead would be either one of the more based lolcows or he'd be a regular in A&N and a prolific shitposter
 

Yaoi Huntress Earth

My avatar is problematic.
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Herr Starr from Preacher. He has all these grand projects for the future of the world and the safety of civilization, he hatches plans to obtain what he wants only to end into absurd and dangerous situations that have crippling and/or humiliating outcomes.
Not to mention he keeps losing parts of himself through the whole series (an eye, a foot, his dick, his anal virginity...) and gets some of the best lines.
 

Tragi-Chan

A thousand years old
True & Honest Fan
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I think Arnold Rimmer must count. Arrogant, self-important, not as smart as he thinks he is, blames everyone else for his problems and keeps making the same mistakes over and over.
 

Darwin Watterson

Custom titles are for nerds
True & Honest Fan
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There’s a minor, obscure Batman villain called “Film Freak.” His whole character is that he’s a massive film sperg. He was a failed actor who turned to crime after his movie career failed to materialize. He doesn’t have any special abilities, but literally everything he does relates in some way to some movie he saw. He even has a mild telepathy immunity due to the fact that his only memories are from movies. He never really showed up much and the most notable thing about him is that he appeared in the comic where Bane made his debut to get killed by him.
 
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