Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

[Jeff Boomhauer]

Mitsuo from Persona 4.

- Stalks a girl from a school he doesn't attend
- Murders someone he doesn't even know solely to get attention
- Takes credit for other murders that he didn't commit, just to seem special
- Gamer
- Shadow reveals itself to be a creepy baby
- Ugly as hell

 

[verygayFrogs]

Hifumi from Danganronpa. Dude literally gets into a prestigious school by writing Doujin, won’t stop simping for Celestia (but then again he ain’t wrong), kills Ishimaru for “sexually assaulting Celestia.” He didn’t, Celestia manipulated him and then killed him. Doesn’t help he looks like a death fat

 

[Rupert Bear]

Now that i think about it, Algy Pug from Rupert is kinda lolcowish tbh. There's even an episode where Rupert & Bill try to inflate his ego until he causes a blunder, but things go off hand as Algy starts having actual bullshit luck

 

[Oswald Cobblethot]

Pretty much any character in any Shyamalan movie.

 

[KillDaHo]

Ron Weasley. Need I say more?

 

[Allen]

Ron Weasley. Need I say more?

Yes? Hearing the 'whys' of lolcows is fun

 

[Cheerlead-in-Chief]

Ron Weasley. Need I say more?

Eh, in the first book he was good st chess.
Arthur Weasley is a bigger lolcow: despite a good job lives in a squalid home to be henpecked by Molly to have more kids and pushing all the kids to be "proud Gryffindors!111!" And his wife kills a Death Eater simply because "don't touch my baby BITCH!!"

 

[Overcast]

Played Silent Hill 2 again recently and if you get the Maria ending, James potentially becomes someone that's not too different from your typical waifuist.

Forsaking the memory of his dead wife and halfheartedly acknowledging what happened, he decides all he needs is Maria, something that was created by James' fantasy of what he wanted his bedridden wife to be and his repressed sexual desire. It's also not so subtly implied that Maria has the same illness as Mary, in which James tells her "You better do something about that cough" as they head to his car at the end. Implying that she'll eventually suffer the same fate as Mary and James will be right back to where he started.

The other endings have James either fully admit his guilt and attempt to move on with his life or drive his car into the lake and drowning himself. It's very fascinating to me how there's a third option where James technically goes on living, but for the wrong reasons. Especially after reading about that one self harming guy who ships himself with Frank West in the waifuist thread.

 

[Jeff Boomhauer]

Arthur (Jerry Stiller) from The King of Queens:

Has had way too many jobs in his life and didn't last very long at any of them, due to his own incompetence.
Leeches off his daughter and son in law.
Yells a lot.
Attention whore.
Can't stand being one-upped by others.
Cooks up schemes to get back at people over the pettiest things.

That said, while King of Queens was a mediocre show, Stiller made it watchable.

 

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Sarah "Suki" Stevens from HuniePop 2. She's purposely the equivalent of every annoying weeboo you see in conventions (that's what the creator was going for). Basically, she's a hyper, uber-otaku who has an innocence to her and isn't too bright. (She thought Leileani the pacific islander was Japanese.) Heck, her flaws are labeled as "annoying as fuck", "attention whore", and "smelly pussy" (she doesn't bathe as much as she should).

 

[Overcast]

Jumbo and Yanda in Yotusba&! both have lolcowish tendencies.

Jumbo, while being a cool guy most of the time sometimes acts petty and childish. Particularly towards Miura, an eight year old tomboy. He takes everyone out fishing because he felt bad for Miura after she mentioned not being able to go somewhere for summer vacation. He acts proud over making fond memories for her only for her to mention she's going to Hawaii later on. He responds by taking her cooked fish and telling her she can have a hamburger while visiting Hawaii. All while yelling "Kamehameha" and "Waikiki" at her.

Later on, he himself goes to Hawaii for a day and brings Koiwai macadamia nuts. He talks excitedly about wanting to call Miura and tell her all about it, to which Koiwai responds, "You're an idiot".

Jumbo also has a huge crush on Asagi, but never does anything to try and get her attention. Instead, he gets Yotsuba to try and ask her out to do stuff with them in hopes he can actually talk to her. Predictably, this backfires.

Yanda himself likes to crash at Koiwai's house to eat lunch and often quarrels with Yotsuba. A grown man teasing and getting into intense arguments with a five year old girl. The two develop a rivalry and he often gets baited and sucked into Yotsuba insulting or teasing him.

Still, he does have moments where he cares and tried to cheer Yotsuba up when she was feeling bad about Duralumin.

 

[julzjulzzjulzzz]

Javert from Les Miserables always seemed like a super big lolcow to me.

The protagonist of Les Mes Jean Valjean spends 19 years in prison for stealing bread and then he eventually gets out on parole, but he breaks it. Javert becomes outraged by the fact he broke his parole and begins trying to catch him. He develops this intense obsession with Jean Valjean where he dedicates his entire life to stalking a man who stole bread and broke his parole, he becomes delusional about Valjean being a dangerous criminal and he believes it's his goal to put him back in jail. He spends decades on this intense pursuit of trying to catch him, for a reason mostly inside his own head.

Later on, Javert gets captured and is almost killed when Jean Valjean catches him in a vulnerable position then proceeds to save his life by releasing him. This act completely fucks with Javert's mental state and sends him into a state of intense conflict which eventually leads to him killing himself.

In general, Javert has an extreme single-minded obsession with the law and rules that dominate his entire life, he sees people in black-and-white terms as either criminal law-breakers or enforcers of the law, he can't view things from other perspectives and insists on his own beliefs about the law. He gets satisfaction out of catching and arresting criminals, but it quickly warps into an irrational obsession revolving around a man who committed an insignificantly small crime. Jean Valjean eventually changes his identity, reforms, and becomes the successful mayor of a city but Javert keeps insisting he's a criminal and dedicates himself to getting him back in jail. When he realizes Jean isn't a bad guy and shows him mercy, he has to confront his own fucked up beliefs which pushes him to suicide.

 

[Yukari Yakumo]

All you need to do is look at his haircut. His stand is also called 'Nut King Call'.

 

[Cheerlead-in-Chief]

All you need to do is look at his haircut. His stand is also called 'Nut King Call'.
View attachment 2173940

OMFG this dork. Even the Wikipedia page roasts him from what I read
" is a college student who uses the Stand Nut King Call,[k] which allows him to materialize nuts and bolts through objects or people's bodies; if the bolt is undone on a person, the limb it was attached to falls off."
Back in 2010-ish they added how on one of the vidya game cut scenes they detailed how he tripped over soap bubbles.

Even as a teen my first thoughts were "Wow, even Wikipedia.org thinks that little of you. My condolences."

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Hollow Knight has Zote the Mighty, “a knight of great renown.”

You first meet Zote early in the game, where he is being attacked by a Vengefly King, one of the weakest bosses in the game. You can either fight the Vengefly King to save him, or leave the area. If you leave and come back without saving him, he will be dead. If you save him, instead of being grateful, he will be angry with you for getting between him and his "prey". There are several other points in the game where you come across him in similar predicaments. Unlike the initial encounter, you can leave him there for as long as you like and he’ll always be there for you to save. Each time you do, though, he’s never thankful and always asserts that he had the situation under control (he never does).

If he is saved, he shows up as the final boss of the first trial of the Colosseum of Fools. Here, we see just how immeasurably powerful Zote is as he...fails to damage you due to the fact that his weapon is a useless piece of shit. He calls his weapon “life ender,” because he says names grant power, but his boss fight is one you literally can’t lose; you just wail on him until the game decides he’s had enough. Following this, he makes his way back to Dirtmouth, taking the helmet of a Shielded Fool (another very weak enemy) with him as a trophy. He proclaims himself the Colosseum’s champion and starts slandering you. Zote is almost unanimously regarded in-universe as a joke. His hunter’s journal entry, for example, says that he’s so weak and pathetic that he isn’t even worth killing. It’s implied that the reason he’s like this is because he has daddy issues but the game never really touches on it.

The only person who buys into his shit is Bretta, who is arguably a cow herself. You first meet Bretta in the Fungal Wastes area, where you rescue her from becoming infected. After this, she develops a crush on you. It’s strongly implied that the reason for her crush is because no one else really pays any attention to her, and you just happen to be at the right place at the right time. She’ll show up in Dirtmouth on the bench afterwards, where she’ll sneak stalker glances at you and blush if you sit next to her. You can visit her house, where you can see the stalker shrine she’s set up for you and read the weird, cringey fanfiction she writes about you.

Unlike Zote, however, Bretta gets better. After Zote returns to Dirtmouth following his “victory” in the Colosseum, he starts bragging about himself to Bretta. Bretta, being the only character naive enough to believe his shit, falls for him. You can enter her dream world and fight a stronger version of Zote. Beating that boss enough times causes her to wise up to his bullshit and realize that she needs to stop being such a simp and take charge of her own life.

 

[Overcast]

Gex from the Gex series is in some ways a lolcow, albeit one with some success in his life.

Most people probably don't know this, but Gex actually had a backstory that was explained in the first game's manual. Gex was born into a relatively large family and his father was an astronaut. Unfortunately, his father died in a rocket crash. (Or something to that effect).

This caused Gex to spiral into depression which led to him isolating himself from others and self-medicating with TV. It got so bad to the point his mother tried to cut him off entirely which led to him cutting himself off from his family entirely. Didn't help that he inherited a ton of money from a dead uncle which only isolated him even further.

So taking that into context, the reason why Gex spouted constant pop culture references wass because that was pretty much his world. He consumed so much entertainment that it became his identity. It just so happened that he was able to overcome Rez three times, which landed him more money, a job as a secret agent and a hot girlfriend.

The whole backstory is mostly forgotten about it seems. With that context in mind, I can't help but think about all the people we see nowadays who are ridiculously passionate or obsessed with certain IP's or brands to the point where it has become an overwhelmingly large part of their identity. Gex is an early example of that sort of phenomenon. Albeit played for laughs, but still.

 

[Kabuki Actor]

Strong Bad is a nostalgia sperg who openly brags to the internet about his petty and serious crimes, abuses his younger brother, and is a loser in general. Other inhabitants of Free Country, USA, are the tranch to his Kevin Gibes, potentially warranting a containment forum for filling most lolcow archetypes.

 

[Syaoran Li]

Come to think of it, all the major characters on Seinfeld are lolcows and I think that was pretty much the entire point of the show.

 

[Doctor Hobo]

At the risk of being jumped on by her simps, I present Emperor Edelgard from Fire Emblem: Three Houses:

It's a little difficult to go into detail about why she's an lolcow without going into spoilers. So there's some vague spoilers ahead.

A portion of her status also comes from the fact that she's hot, a 'girl boss', has le tragic backstory, neckbeard anti-religion, completely obsessed with the player for no real reason and bisexual. Which are the only reasons why she's so unbearingly popular. Especially among the w o k e folk. If she were a man, no one would care. Her fandom being one giant collective lolcow probably doesn't count, but I feel it's worth mentioning.
While she does have some admirable traits, her fans are quick to shove the pile of horrible things she does and traits under the rug.
Horrible things like homicidal racism against an innocent race that was actually slaughtered in the past and have to live in hiding to survive, using her own civilians as a meat shield and her goals ultimately failing in the end at the cost of countless lives thanks to a war she started.
It doesn't help that on the surface her goals don't seem too bad, but if you pick them apart with world context and basic logic in mind, it quickly falls apart and is doomed to fail. Plenty of people have already done that. And as I pointed out earlier, it does end up failing. Even though the game will treat it like a ~victory~.

Even though she knows who was responsible for her le tragic backstory, she ends up working with them and shoving the blame on other factions and people all while secretly planning on turning on those who wronged her. She selfishly believes that the current way of life will kill more than her five year war combined with the way of life she plans on building after the way and absolutely refuses to believe that there is any other way. To the point where she will refuse (twice) another lord's offer of peace and to find compromise.

Apparently the people who wronged her are 'forcing' her into starting the war, but if she bothered to team up with the other factions and ganged up on the group, it wouldn't be an issue. Considering your tiny army easily wipes them out.

Her route was clearly the villain route and bad end as you never learn the full lore or truth of everything in her route and you end killing more characters along the way than any other route. Granted you can spare a few of them if you fulfill special conditions. It's nice that you're not forced to be a completely horrible person the whole time.
I can't find the interview, but allegedly even the developers said that her ending was the most tyrannical.

 

[verygayFrogs]

At the risk of being jumped on by her simps, I present Emperor Edelgard from Fire Emblem: Three Houses:

It's a little difficult to go into detail about why she's an lolcow without going into spoilers. So there's some vague spoilers ahead.

A portion of her status also comes from the fact that she's hot, a 'girl boss', has le tragic backstory, neckbeard anti-religion, completely obsessed with the player for no real reason and bisexual. Which are the only reasons why she's so unbearingly popular. Especially among the w o k e folk. If she were a man, no one would care. Her fandom being one giant collective lolcow probably doesn't count, but I feel it's worth mentioning.
While she does have some admirable traits, her fans are quick to shove the pile of horrible things she does and traits under the rug.
Horrible things like homicidal racism against an innocent race that was actually slaughtered in the past and have to live in hiding to survive, using her own civilians as a meat shield and her goals ultimately failing in the end at the cost of countless lives thanks to a war she started.
It doesn't help that on the surface her goals don't seem too bad, but if you pick them apart with world context and basic logic in mind, it quickly falls apart and is doomed to fail. Plenty of people have already done that. And as I pointed out earlier, it does end up failing. Even though the game will treat it like a ~victory~.

Even though she knows who was responsible for her le tragic backstory, she ends up working with them and shoving the blame on other factions and people all while secretly planning on turning on those who wronged her. She selfishly believes that the current way of life will kill more than her five year war combined with the way of life she plans on building after the way and absolutely refuses to believe that there is any other way. To the point where she will refuse (twice) another lord's offer of peace and to find compromise.

Apparently the people who wronged her are 'forcing' her into starting the war, but if she bothered to team up with the other factions and ganged up on the group, it wouldn't be an issue. Considering your tiny army easily wipes them out.

Her route was clearly the villain route and bad end as you never learn the full lore or truth of everything in her route and you end killing more characters along the way than any other route. Granted you can spare a few of them if you fulfill special conditions. It's nice that you're not forced to be a completely horrible person the whole time.
I can't find the interview, but allegedly even the developers said that her ending was the most tyrannical.

I can get what your saying but I feel like they were trying to show us a character like Arvis in which their intentions are clearly good, they just have shitty methods of going about them.