Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.) -

Pinball Lizard

The best thing you could ever do is die
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I think the Phantom of the Opera is at least a borderline lolcow. He literally lives in a basement and is obsessed with a woman half his age, whom he tries to seduce by pretending to be her father's ghost. He attempts to advance her career, mostly by murdering or threatening to murder anyone in the way of it, all so she'll love him back when he makes his big Nice Guy pitch about how she owes him and all that. He has a lot of ANGSTY and EDGY paraphernalia in his little man cave, which varies depending on the version but is always there (i.e. in the book he sleeps in a coffin, in the 2004 version he has a bunch of mirrors for the some purpose of breaking them). He writes the opera Don Juan Triumphant, which he claims is God's gift to the operatic medium, but is evidently just "Draco in Leather Pants" fan fiction for Mozart's much better Don Giovanni where the titular villain wins in the end. Finally, when his TRUE and HONEST Sweetheart rebuffs, he tries to kill her JERK boyfriend unless she relents!

And this is all before we get into the more obscure takes of the story, like the exploitation-film version where he's sexually attracted to rats.

That said, he is genuinely talented, and has genuinely been wronged, so at least in those respects he has a leg up on the traditional lolcow.
 

TheMightyMonarch

Yee
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I think the Phantom of the Opera is at least a borderline lolcow. He literally lives in a basement and is obsessed with a woman half his age, whom he tries to seduce by pretending to be her father's ghost. He attempts to advance her career, mostly by murdering or threatening to murder anyone in the way of it, all so she'll love him back when he makes his big Nice Guy pitch about how she owes him and all that. He has a lot of ANGSTY and EDGY paraphernalia in his little man cave, which varies depending on the version but is always there (i.e. in the book he sleeps in a coffin, in the 2004 version he has a bunch of mirrors for the some purpose of breaking them). He writes the opera Don Juan Triumphant, which he claims is God's gift to the operatic medium, but is evidently just "Draco in Leather Pants" fan fiction for Mozart's much better Don Giovanni where the titular villain wins in the end. Finally, when his TRUE and HONEST Sweetheart rebuffs, he tries to kill her JERK boyfriend unless she relents!

And this is all before we get into the more obscure takes of the story, like the exploitation-film version where he's sexually attracted to rats.

That said, he is genuinely talented, and has genuinely been wronged, so at least in those respects he has a leg up on the traditional lolcow.
I would consider Erik a lolcow, although he's not as bad as some of the examples already mentioned here. I never read the novel but I did see the musical last month for my birthday. My family (who took me) were surprised when I didn't expressed a whole lot of sympathy for him (aside from being deformed and being treated like shit because of it) because Raoul was "such a drip" in their words. Yeah, Raoul is nothing to write home about but Erik is pretty much a more talented and slightly less austisic version of Chris Chan. Christine should've stayed single.
 

Pinball Lizard

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I would consider Erik a lolcow, although he's not as bad as some of the examples already mentioned here. I never read the novel but I did see the musical last month for my birthday. My family (who took me) were surprised when I didn't expressed a whole lot of sympathy for him (aside from being deformed and being treated like shit because of it) because Raoul was "such a drip" in their words. Yeah, Raoul is nothing to write home about but Erik is pretty much a more talented and slightly less austisic version of Chris Chan. Christine should've stayed single.
You'd probably like the 1940s version with Claude Rains, where Christine is courted by not just Erik, but two Raoul-type characters (the other being one of her fellow performers)... and dumps them all, choosing her career!

Also, if Erik's a lolcow, then Madame Giry is probably his enabler.
 

GiantSpiderInvasion

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The Pube Muppet from several bad internet cartoons. His whole thing is going into stores and telling clerks about the raunchy gay sex acts he wants to have with their product/in their business, in great detail. When told they don't have it, he gets mad, and says, "What kind of piece of shit establishment is this? Fuck off and let me be." Never mind that he's the one bothering complete strangers with his bizarre kinks. He's also apparently arch enemies with Drew Pickles from Rugrats, "the gayest man alive."

Said clerks also count for always revealing that whatever Pube Muppet wanted was up their ass the whole time.
 

Darwin Watterson

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The Pube Muppet from several bad internet cartoons. His whole thing is going into stores and telling clerks about the raunchy gay sex acts he wants to have with their product/in their business, in great detail. When told they don't have it, he gets mad, and says, "What kind of piece of shit establishment is this? Fuck off and let me be." Never mind that he's the one bothering complete strangers with his bizarre kinks. He's also apparently arch enemies with Drew Pickles from Rugrats, "the gayest man alive."

Said clerks also count for always revealing that whatever Pube Muppet wanted was up their ass the whole time.
Oh god, those Speakonia videos...pretty much every character in those is a cow of some kind.
 

Darwin Watterson

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Rick and Morty has Morty's dad, Jerry. There are a lot of examples of his lolcow behavior, but in a recent episode, it is revealed that he wracked up a $700 phone bill calling a guy named Taddy Mason who charges $1.99 a minute to talk, so that you can pretend to have a friend. Since he's unemployed, he attempts to emotionally manipulate his daughter Summer to give him money. Although, to be fair, Jerry can be capable of badassery when the situation calls for it. When his wife Beth is in danger, he's shown to be able to man up and take on monsters to protect her.
 
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TheMightyMonarch

Yee
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Rick and Morty has Morty's dad, Jerry. There are a lot of examples of his lolcow behavior, but in a recent episode, it is revealed that he wracked up a $700 phone bill calling a guy named Taddy Mason who charges $1.99 a minute to talk, so that you can pretend to have a friend. Since he's unemployed, he attempts to emotionally manipulate his daughter Summer to give him money. Although, to be fair, Jerry can be capable of badassery when the situation calls for it. When his wife Beth is in danger, he's shown to be able to man up and take on monsters to protext her.
Oh God, Jerry is a total lolcow. For me, I think his biggest lolcow moment was the episode where he got stuck in the simulator.

Come to think of it, is there anyone on that show who isn't a cow to a certain extent? No one is as bad as Jerry in that regard, but the show really doesn't have a solid straightman.
 

Pinball Lizard

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Speaking of dads, I think the main character's father in the movie Me and Earl and the Dying Girl is one. We don't see much of him, but he's stated to be a tenured professor, which apparently means he just sits around the house all day doing all sorts of weird hobbies, not even taking off his pajamas, because he knows he can't be fired even if he literally does nothing with his job.
 

TheMightyMonarch

Yee
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You'd probably like the 1940s version with Claude Rains, where Christine is courted by not just Erik, but two Raoul-type characters (the other being one of her fellow performers)... and dumps them all, choosing her career!

Also, if Erik's a lolcow, then Madame Giry is probably his enabler.
So, she had three love interests? That sounds overcrowded. I would like to check it out though. I don't consider myself a "phan" or whatever but it is a guilty pleasure of mine. Also Madame Giry is like Barb? That's scary.

Anyway, I just finished rewatching American Horror Story: Murder House and I just realized that Tate Langdon is a total cow, since he's an edgelord and horrorcow extraordinaire. I'm just gonna put it behind a cut because there are some major spoilers.

For starters, he was a school shooter and got killed by SWAT when they raided his house because he attempted to pull a gun onto them (Good going guy). Since the house is haunted, he's now a ghost and for the next 17 years, he just sort of haunts the house until a new family moves in. He falls in love with the daughter because she's a bit of an edgelord herself (edgelady?) although not as bad as him since, you know, she didn't kill anyone. Her dad is a psychiatrist and he's his patient (It's complicated but the show eventually explains it) and he tells him about how much he wants to bang his daughter in graphic detail.

Later on, it is revealed that when he was a little boy, he ran into another ghost, the ghost of a woman who died in the house during the 1920s. Since she, unlike his actual mom, is actually nice to him, he latches onto her and will do anything for her. While she was alive, she had a baby but it was murdered right before she died, so she wants another one. Shortly before the new family moved in, there was a gay couple that lived in the house that wanted children but they were on the verge of breaking up so he kills them because they can't give him a baby for his surrogate mommy (But not before sticking a fire poker up one of their butts). Then when his waifu's family moves in, he rapes her mom while wearing a full body leather suit with the goal to impregnate her. But in this world, a child conceived by a human and a ghost is considered the anti Christ, for some reason, so everything goes to shit. His girlfriend's mom/baby mama dies in childbirth and when his gf finds out that he raped her mom and did a bunch of other terrible stuff, she understandably gets pissed. He doesn't really bother to apologize for any of that but it doesn't matter because HE LOVES HER SO MUCH OMG! Thankfully, she sees through his bullshit and tells him to fuck off (Because you can do that to ghosts apparently in this world and they'll never bother you again).

The worst thing is that despite being pretty awful, Tate has a bunch of fangirls in the AHS fandom, Maybe it's because his actor, Evan Peters, is rather attractive but that still doesn't make a whole lot sense considering that Peters goes on to play much more sympathetic and likable characters in later seasons of AHS and yet none of them has the fanbase that Tate does.
 
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Darwin Watterson

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Several characters from A Series of Unfortunate Events could count as lolcows, but the biggest one would probably be Vice Principal Nero from book 5. Nero is the head of the boarding school that the Baudelaires get sent to, and he's completely incompetent. He makes Sunny (a baby) be his secretary, and refuses to supply her with any staples. Instead, he gives her thin metal rods and has her make her own staples. He loves playing the violin, but he's complete and utter shit at it. Nevertheless, he thinks he's a musical prodigy and forces the entire student body to attend his nightly six hour long concerts. If they fail to show up, then he makes them buy him a bag of candy and they have to watch him eat it all. His other punishments include having students' silverware taken away and their hands tied behind their backs at lunch for no good reason (the actual reason escapes me, but it was definitely petty). He's also extremely childish, and likes to mock people when they object to anything he says.
 
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Dio Brando

Saikou ni HIGH te Yattsu da!!!
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Terence T. D'arby from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. He's supposed to be the butler of DIO's mansion, but the only "butlery" thing he's been seen doing is greet the heroes. His entire character is that he's the annoying little brother who thinks he's hot shit. He constantly tries to prove he's cooler and more menacing than his older brother Daniel (who btw, is a much more interesting character). His stand, Atum, has the exact same power of stealing souls just like his brother, except he steals people's souls by beating them in video games. Daniel was a gambler, and his reason for how he stole souls made sense, gambling weakens the soul, but Terence.....just likes to play video games. At one point he recalls back to a time years before where he beat the shit out of his brother for hitting on his girlfriend as an attempt to appear more threatening, the problem with that is his brother isn't violent, he only relies on cunning to defeat his enemies. Tell me, is it impressive for Superman to beat up Lex Luthor? No, because Luthor isn't a fighter. Finally comes his defeat. Daniel was defeated through Jotaro taking a last ditch effort and bluff his way to winning the match. You wanna know how Terence lost? He threw a hissy fit at Jotaro winning when he could've turned left and see someone else was playing for him. When he loses, he starts panicking like a bitch.

I think one of the worst parts is that he was one of the few villains to get 3 episodes dedicated to him, when he really was a total whiner.Still it was pretty satisfying to see him get beaten down

 
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Darwin Watterson

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Sarah from The Amazing World of Gumball. She's a classmate of Gumball and Darwin, and has a weird obsession with both of them. Here's a clip from one of her focus episodes, where she sings a song about stalking them:
In addition to that, she keeps a notebook where she writes fanfiction about Gumball and Darwin fighting each other over her. She also draws manga based on Gumball and Darwin. After they get angry at her and tell her to leave them alone, they end up feeling sorry for her and they act out these stories to make her feel better. She seems to believe herself to be a wacky sitcom character and spouts cheesy lines which she follows by playing a laugh track on a boombox she carries.
 

Len Kagamoney

damn you len
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Mitsuo Kubo from Persona 4
He gets rejected by one of the main female characters, and his reaction is to throw a tantrum
like many lolcows, he wants to date Yukiko only because of her looks and popularity, while he himself has nothing to offer
He claims to be the serial murderer the gang's been chasing, but this is a lie. He is just a high school student who wanted to seem edgy to his peers because no one pays attention to him.
However, he does want to be a killer quite badly and imitates the serial killings by killing a homeroom teacher

Holden Caulfield, others here have said enough on him
 

TheMightyMonarch

Yee
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The titular Bojack Horseman. He's a has been from a once popular 90s sitcom who thinks he's way more important than he actually is. He's has Dobson levels of bitterness is a complete asshole to the people he's jealous of, even if they're completely nice to him. At times, he almost becomes a borderline horrorcow because he has ruined people's lives with his selfish decision making. He's also a hard time alcoholic and has been known to elaborately run away from his problems (Like going to another state and shacking it up with his ex girlfriend and her family for two months because he didn't want to be in this movie that he was starring in anymore). In season 2, he gets a girlfriend who's actually seems well adjusted but of course, he drives her away because of his asshattery, thus showing that he can't even be around normal people because he's so intolerable. The only person who genuinely seems to like him and not hang out with him through social obligation or pity is his roommate Todd, who is also a bit of a lolcow himself (For starters, roommate is subjective because he actually just sleeps on Bojack's couch and is shown to be overall very unambitious). His relationship with Todd is also very creepy because Bojack has been known to sabotage any chance that Todd gets that would make him independent and successful. It also implied that the main reason he keeps Todd around is because he makes him feels better about himself , although the season 2 finale also shown that he has a general fondness for him.

Unlike most lolcows in fiction, Bojack still comes off as very sympathetic due to bad luck, a shitty childhood, and other factors as well. But the show still makes it very clear that he's supposed to be seen as a douchebag.
 

Darwin Watterson

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Moral Orel has Orel's father, Clay Puppington. Since his mother had ten miscarriages before him (as a result of her hedonistic lifestyle), she's rather emotionally fragile and coddles and spoils Clay as a child. He fakes his death in an attempt to prank his mother, which causes her to die of a heart attack. His father is understandably distraught about this, and blames Clay for her death. He goes to hit Clay before deciding that he isn't worth it. This causes Clay to seek out abuse as a means of emotional validation. He would later develop an Oedipus complex as well.

In his early twenties, Clay meets Bloberta Hymentact while accidentally attending a wedding thinking it was a Sunday mass. Bloberta introduces Clay to liquor, which turns him into a womanizing alcoholic. In order to get Clay to stop flirting with other women, Bloberta punches him unconscious. She later lies to him by telling him that he passed out and she looked after him, and then pressures him into marrying her. Clay spends his wedding getting drunk and flirting with other women before finally getting arrested for drunk driving.

Clay mostly hates his family. When his younger son, Shapey, accidentally gets replaced by another kid, he doesn't notice or care. When they do eventually get Shapey back, they end up having to keep the other kid, too. Clay just thinks that seeing both kids is the result of a liqor-induced hallucination. His older son, Orel, is routinely subjected to lessons by Clay in his study, always after being beaten with Clay's belt. These lessons rarely have anything to do with the actual issue at hand. For example, in the episode where Orel develops a cocaine addiction, Clay punishes him for his increased use of slang, rather than actually using cocaine. Sometimes, Clay even punishes Orel for something that was his own fault, such as when he gives Orel bad advice.

Clay's defining moment in the series is the episode where he takes Orel on a hunting trip. Throughout the trip, he drinks constantly and gets progressively drunker. At one point, he shoots another person's hunting dog for no reason, and then mounts its head and eats the body. He had an alcohol-induced breakdown which leads to him yelling and screaming, and finally shooting Orel, his own son, in the leg. He then passes out for almost an entire day while Orel is just left there to tend to his own wound. When he finally comes to, he completely denies responsibility for shooting Orel, and even goes as far as to blame Orel for it. He takes Orel to the town doctor rather than to a hospital, mainly because he figures that the town doctor will keep his mouth shut about the incident. Orel ends up as a cripple, and walks with a limp for the rest of his life.

Clay's chief enabler is Orel's gym teacher, Coach Stopframe. Stopframe has a crush on Clay and supplies him with alcohol in order to lower his inhibitions and take advantage of him. Throughout the series, Clay seems oblivious towards Stopframe's intentions. Before the start of the series, Stopframe had an affair with Clay's wife, Bloberta, in an attempt to get closer to Clay. This affair produced Shapey, and although Shapey greatly resembles Stopframe, Clay again doesn't notice or care. In the last episode of the show, Clay finally reciprocates Stopframe's feelings, but only because he's an emotionally crippled attention whore. Orel, who by this point hates Clay and has lost all respect for him because of the aforementioned hunting trip, spends the day having fun with Stopframe and attempting to figure out something worth honoring Clay over (based on the commandment, "Honor thy Father," but Orel can't follow that commandment because he doesn't see anything honorable about Clay). Clay angrily drags his family over to Stopframe's house and, though it's implied that Clay believes Stopframe molested Orel, he doesn't care and is only mad because Stopframe is with Orel and not him.
 
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NumberingYourState

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Algernon Papadopoulos (Loveshy)

While not a Pederast like Mr. Burk of the Physical Education department, or an off-med's horrocow like Gary Smith, Algernon is pretty sad in his own way that makes the rest of the nerd clique look like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in comparison. Not once, even in the chaos of the final chapter, does he display any form of devotion nor authority. He absolutely refuses to get help for his triggered urination, unless it's mommy. What makes him a cow is his ability to take advantage of a bullied fat girl named Eunice, which given the already fragile disposition of Algernon's ego, is a cheap blow to his never-self-improving image. Despite being kicked in the nad's a hundred times over (as witnessed in unscripted events) he glazes over why girls do not like him. Let's not forget he power levels under his breath, though much like his grating laugh, he fails at keeping it subtle. If none of the paragraph convinces you he's worthy of LOLCow status; Algie in spite of Jimmy Hopkins getting him out of a bust numerous times, flies off the handle at Jimmy and sends a callsign for his goonie 'Armed Forces' to 'shoot on site'.
 

Darwin Watterson

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Mrs. Wadsworth from the 1973 movie The Baby is basically Barb Chandler as a horrorcow. She never allowed her son to develop beyond the stages of an infant, resulting in what could best be described as a baby in an adult man's body. Her reasoning is that she'd been left by every other man in her life, so she decided to keep her son (who doesn't even have a name, by the way; he's just referred to in the movie as "Baby") from leaving her by stifling his development. She goes as far as to try to murder a social worker who attempts to get Baby out of the Wadsworth house and to help him mature and finally be a real adult. It's implied that she and her daughters have murdered another social worker who tried to get Baby to show some improvement.

Baby himself probably couldn't be considered a lolcow, as all he really does is scream and cry and do other regular infant stuff. Odd and eccentric, yes, but no typical "lolcow" behavior. However, he could possibly be seen as an exaggerated version of Chris. Whereas Chris's development was also stifled by an overbearing mother, he was at least allowed to learn to walk and talk.
 
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John Titor

Pronouns: time/temporal/tempself
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Nellie from The Office reminded me of Brianna Wu for some reason. Might be because she sees herself as more qualified for the job than she really is and tried to make a big deal about how she's a woman in her line of work (her audience was not really impressed). At one point in her life, she thought she could be a NASCAR driver because she saw an empty seat once and jumped in. She's also a professional buttkisser.
 

Bonesnap

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Nellie from The Office reminded me of Brianna Wu for some reason. Might be because she sees herself as more qualified for the job than she really is and tried to make a big deal about how she's a woman in her line of work (her audience was not really impressed). At one point in her life, she thought she could be a NASCAR driver because she saw an empty seat once and jumped in. She's also a professional buttkisser.
The NASCAR thing aligns well with Wu's imagined status as a motorcycle racer. I didn't know who Nellie was as I stopped watching the show around season 6, so I looked up her character, and her description can be applied directly to Wu by changing the names and a few words:

Nellie's bio said:
Nellie Bertram, played by Catherine Tate, is a character who appears in the U.S. television series The Office. She is displayed as a crass, rude, irrational, and professionally/socially inept woman. However, despite all her shortcomings, she is also ambitious and opportunistic, applying for jobs that she is often unqualified for. While difficult to get used to, Nellie is eventually shown to be very friendly towards her co-workers, and generally on good terms with most of them, with the noted exception of Andy Bernard, who held a bitter resentment towards her for stealing his job.
into

Brianna Wu's bio said:
Brianna Wu, played by John Walker Flynt, is a character who appears in the U.S. television series The Office. She is displayed as a crass, rude, irrational, and professionally/socially inept woman. However, despite all her shortcomings, she is also ambitious and opportunistic, applying for jobs that she is often unqualified for. While difficult to get used to, Nellie is eventually shown to be very friendly towards people who will give her money, and generally on good terms with most of them, with the noted exception of Zoe Quinn, who held a bitter resentment towards her for stealing his job.
 
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