Lolcows you wish you could save (and how you'd do it) -

[JokahBaybee]

Does anyone here ever wonder what they could do, or could have done to prevent someone from being a lolcow or, if they already are a lolcow, getting worse?
I know it's pretty much impossible to get through to most of them since not listening to advice, especially over the internet, is the nature of lolcows,
but if you had the chance to go back in time to get in touch with them during a critical moment in their lives,
or if you had the opportunity to visit them IRL now, or at least get them to hear you out, what would you say or do to change the trajectory of their life?

 

[Disgruntled Pupper]

I would have told Bob to stop being a drunken loser and go back home to his wife and kids and then kicked him in his old, wrinkly balls to make sure he'd never father Chris.

 

[nagant 1895]

Well you see son, the lolcows were all sick, so I had to take them all to a big farm upstate where they can run free and be happy. There's no internet there (better for their mental health you know) so you won't be able to get in touch with them. I know you'll be sad without them here to laugh at but this was the only way for them to get better.

 

[Saklas]

Probably Chris Chan for me. Between being a relatively low functioning autist and having enabling , lazy parents who didn’t get him proper help when they should have, he was set up to fail. I wisH I could help him because in a lot of ways, it doesn’t seem like it’s his fault he is the way he is. I’d probably go back to his school years and try to talk some sense into his parents about special schools. If that didn’t work, I’d go to his middle and high school years and try to be the friend and mentor no one else wanted to be.

 

[Twinkie]

Chain Amberlynn up in a basement, throw a bag of baby carrots and a turkey leg down there twice a week. The only human contact AL would get is a therapist that comes to see her daily that would also administer vitamins and meds.

She would be a mentally sound skinny legend by her 30th b-day (dec 27 this year)

 

[Saklas]

Chain Amberlynn up in a basement, throw a bag of baby carrots and a turkey leg down there twice a week. The only human contact AL would get is a therapist that comes to see her daily that would also administer vitamins and meds.

She would be a mentally sound skinny legend by her 30th b-day (dec 27 this year)

I dunno man, She’d probably just paint you as horrible abuser, get you put in jail and then go back to abusing the (mostly slow) women who make the mistake of dating her. In 5 years she’ll look like the half ton man.

 

[JuanButNotForgotten]

Terry A Davis and... I really don't know how. His family tried for decades and all was in vain. I just wish he would take his meds and probably limited his internet presence, because in the end that helped to fuel his delusions.

Little Scofields by tieing CPS workers Clockwork orange style and forcing them to watch proofs of Susann, Michael and Cory being terrible parents.

Not gonna say I wish that very much, but convincing @FuckYou that he is gonna die for nothing and will become a fucking laughingstock on the internet forever, would've probably saved those two poor students and that sped himself.

 

[Μusk]

I'd put myself in the Idea Guys shoes and use my position to get Chris to fix his life instead of fucking around with dumb /pol/ shit. Tell him the dimensional merge between CWCville and the real world is happening, and he must prepare himself as the ultimate warrior of sonichu to exercise more and eat healthy. Both sides would've benefited from this. Chris because he would physically and mentally feel happier, and the farms because Chris would have more energy to act would be very driven towards those goals.

 

[JamalActimel]

None of them I am not a white knight.
Most Cow can't and more importantly don't want to be saved

 

[Battlecruiser3000ad]

I'd save Terry Davis by executing the CIA with the A-10 gun, the Fist of God, thus prevent his assassination and letting him finish his Work.

 

[Boris Blank's glass eye]

Lolcows? No.
Lolcow victims? Well, if CPS is unable to deal with the Scofields, the Hartleys, and Desmond's parents, what could a humble glass eye like me ever hope to achieve?

 

[Sage In All Fields]

Boogie, I'm straight up rocking up to his house and telling him exactly how it's going to be: training regiment, no more YouTube and self-therapy.

 

[Conan the Cylon]

Cows are cows because they're delusional and don't want to be helped. They want to live out their fantasies, and any help rendered would be in vain as it always has before.

Most of them are also genuinely terrible people. Why would you want to save them?

 

[Un Platano]

Probably Chris Chan for me. Between being a relatively low functioning autist and having enabling , lazy parents who didn’t get him proper help when they should have, he was set up to fail. I wisH I could help him because in a lot of ways, it doesn’t seem like it’s his fault he is the way he is. I’d probably go back to his school years and try to talk some sense into his parents about special schools. If that didn’t work, I’d go to his middle and high school years and try to be the friend and mentor no one else wanted to be.

Chris could have been saved in a paltry way if it hadn't been for Barb's horrid financial habits. Bob had accepted that Chris would never hold a meaningful job, an unoptimistic but frankly realistic expectation of him, and he did everything he could to set Chris up to scrape by with a meager but secure existence for the rest of his life. The biggest part of it was that at one point he owned 14 BC and most certainly had set aside the money to cover the estate tax for Chris to inherit the house when he and Barb kicked the bucket. Then he just needs to pay for food and utilities with the tugboat and he'll be set for life. That was the plan. Ten years later and Barb has spent the twilight of her life pissing away everything that Bob had built up for Chris.

Bob did a lot of things wrong raising Chris, but finances weren't one of them. He'd already done a lot of working trying to teach Chris about finances the first time he had dug himself in a hole with credit card debt, but Chris didn't learn from it because he's an exceptional individual. To that end I don't think Bob was lazy raising Chris, not at all. He really did do a lot of work and tried to help him a lot, but he went about it in the wrong way. He spent all his time trying to secure a comfortable future for his exceptional son rather than teaching his son to not be exceptional. But even then it's debatable whether the latter would have been better in the end, because the world simply was not made for people like Chris.

Barb on the other had really has done nothing for Chris. She coddled him and taught him bad financial habits and when she dies, Chris will be left with nothing. He could be in a much better position had Barb been out of the picture first. Chris could have spent his last few years with Bob seriously discussing what he can do when Bob dies and Chris is left with an inheritance to manage. Instead he'll spend his last few years with Barb discussing nothing and ignoring the snowballing problems around them.

So I'll say that Barb dying first could have saved Chris. I'm not suggesting I want to go back in time and murder Barb, but that if some divine fate had killed her in the snorlax phase, he'd have been left in a much better financial situation. How that would have actually panned out though, I can't say, because in the end, Chris is still an idiot and still has the propensity to do stupid things without Barb around, like burning his house down. Without the financhu crisis, the idea guys and all the shit that followed would never have happened. I can't say it wouldn't have been replaced by something equally stupid, but I will point out that Chris did fade into obscurity for a while after Bob's death in 2011, and he could very well have stayed that way were it not for Barb's debt driving him to pick up constant e-begging that has put him back in the spotlight for a new generation of weens.

 

[Alex Krycek]

Ulillillia. I actually think he’s smart and decent but needs years of therapy and social interaction. I’m not even sure how I’d do it, I’m a Hipster that stays at home most of the time and I eat meat. I just know I’d like to help him if at all possible.

 

[{o}P II]

I would have told Bob to stop being a drunken loser and go back home to his wife and kids and then kicked him in his old, wrinkly balls to make sure he'd never father Chris.

I would not take any risks and simply kill Bob and Barb

 

[JamalActimel]

Etika nah just kidding he saw it coming.
I am pretty sure Big Lenny will die in 5 years or so but no one can save him but himself

 

[Take Your Pills]

As insufferable as she is, probably Kelly the vampire munchie, if only to save the sheer amount of resources that have been wasted on her. I'd try and convince her to get into therapy in the years where it could've actually made a difference. But if I had to do something now, I'd get her locked up somewhere real secure where she can be monitored for the rest of her life.

She'd probably still pick enough to force the doctors to amputate her legs, but maybe not having access to instagram would slow down her need to destroy herself for attention (I personally don't think it's solely for attention, though).
There are other lolcows more deserving, though, I'm sure.

 

[Orion Balls]

I would have made that sparkly rainbow swimsuit that Jazz wore when she was five also come in trunks form. Tell her that it's okay to like sparkly things, and still be a boy. And I would figure out a way to let her mother die in childbirth. That's traumatizing for an infant, but it's better than what happened.

 

[LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV]]

Desmond, simply by removing his fucking cow of a mother of the picture, CPS should have been involved and piggy should have been jailed. Most cows are lost cases but is really sad how he never had a chance.

Luna Slater is sad because she could had not dated a scumbag and fall for heroine when she was a teenager and she would just be another normal girl, she fucked her entire life before even becoming and adult, she might actually look very pretty if she took care of herself and didn't spend all her energy self sabotaging.

There was never anything anyone could do for Chris, he was set for cowdom, Bob and Barb not reproducing would have been the one solution, there should be a law since old people breeding children is a liability.