Master Chef, Autist Edition - Truly triggered by ALR's "cooking"? Feel the Urge to Sperg? Get it out of your system here.

GargoyleGorl

Token SJW
kiwifarms.net
This might be too autistic even for us. Or it might be just autistic enough. AL is in one of her "home cooking" phases, and people are bothered, so I figured it was worth a shot to at least contain the sperging.


Edit because my OP was bad and I should feel bad. And I do.

There is a thread where we stare in awe (and disgust) at the shit AL thinks is good homemade food. It's fun and it's funny.

It's also increasingly getting cluttered up with people talking about how they would have cooked that salmon properly, or not incinerated that potato, or made a decent soup. This seems to be happening in other threads too, and jimmies are being rustled exponentially.

So instead of doing that, come here and tell us how you'd take the ingredients AL wasted in one of her slop soups and made a decent casserole out of them. Or share that killer baked chicken breast recipe you know any idiot could follow (provided they aren't Nutritionistlynn) because watching her ruin groceries that could've fed a hungry family has triggered you to the point where you have to talk about it before you explode. It's okay. I don't judge the need to sperg. Not to your face, anyway. Just do it in the designated space.

That's the idea here.


The rules are simple: Take the ingredients AL wasted on one of her abominations and prove that those tube turkeys didn't have to die in vain. You can add ordinary ingredients most people would either have in their pantry or could easily obtain (bonus points if you know damn well she has it in her cupboard right now). Keep it simple. Don't powerlevel. Don't derail with nonsense about how you personally wouldn't like the dish suggested by another poster. The point is to make a meal that ordinary humans might eat for sustenance and enjoy it, rather than the literal pig slop AL produces regularly. If you just want to mock her incompetence, there's already a thread for that.

So, if someone forced me to cook with the ingredients for AL's chili slop soup, I'd probably take the turkey, one can of beans, some tomatoes, and a reasonable number of spices, add some pasta, sprinkle some cheese on top and bake it into a turkey-chili-casserole thing. I'm not a pro and the result might not be five star deliciousness, but it sounds like actual food actual people would actually eat.


Your turn. I know I'm not the only one horrified by the waste and the non-food meals we see every other day.

Edit because I am to making posts what ALR is to making dinner.
 
Last edited:

Tastes Like Power

lesbian bed death
kiwifarms.net
She's been cooking with water recently. Like where you and I would probably use a bit of butter or oil, she uses water. Isn't this essentially just... boiling?
It's not "recently." She always cooks with water. It amazes me that AL seems to think this negates the mounds of salt in her homecooked meals, or eating fast food & restaurant foods cooked in oils and high in calories.

edit: ninja'd
 

Sushinope

kiwifarms.net
Amberlynn needs to stop relying on dry seasonings for flavor. She needs to learn how to mince garlic and chop fresh onion. Sadly, even if she learned those skills, she’d still add way too much of both and make it inedible to most humans.
I don't think she can stand long enough to cut up fresh ingredients or her pig trotters are too clumsy and she just wants to devour what she cooks immediately instead of waiting for flavors to develop. Also her addiction to salt , she'd never give up her dry seasonings for fresh stuff that require work.
 

Whatthefuck

kiwifarms.net
Amberlynn needs to stop relying on dry seasonings for flavor. She needs to learn how to mince garlic and chop fresh onion. Sadly, even if she learned those skills, she’d still add way too much of both and make it inedible to most humans.
Go easy on her, she only just learned how to cut an onion in a relatively normal way. Mincing is a bridge too far. Here's the thing, though, she doesn't like fresh food. She just doesn't. Fresh ingredients and a logical flavor profile matters to most people because we don't eat to just eat. She'd eat cat food if there was nothing else available and swear it was sttthhooo good, guiz.
 

Moonpie

Ride The Lightening. Fade To Black.
kiwifarms.net
I've never seen a 600 lb blob not using a little olive oil or butter to season. She uses fucking water. Disgusting.
Bitch you're huge. A little Oil and butter aren't going to make a difference on your size.
Why does she use that disgusting tube meat? Why not use some lean ground beef and season it with onion while sauteing. No water. It zaps the flavor out.
Cut the onion in small bites. Not huge slices.
Hell if anything buy a pack of seasonings.
Her cooking irks the fuck out of me because I love cooking. She does it wrong.
 

JambledUpWords

Destiny is bae, don’t tell Becky
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Her soup cooking today triggered me. No soup should look like this:
9EE58A71-227B-40FF-9610-F789D636D64E.jpeg
She needs to learn how to add things in order and go easier on things like salt, onion powder, garlic salt, onions and garlic. For how much garlic she puts in her food, you’d think she was trying to ward off vampires.
 

GogglyGoblin

kiwifarms.net
She's been cooking with water recently. Like where you and I would probably use a bit of butter or oil, she uses water. Isn't this essentially just... boiling?
I cook in a wok a lot without using oil and if I get distracted and the food sticks to the wok adding a bit of water is enough to get it all moving again, I guess this is what she's trying to do but she just adds a lot of water and then drops whatever she intends to "fry" in it so I think it's just her being dumb.
 

Whatthefuck

kiwifarms.net
I cook in a wok a lot without using oil and if I get distracted and the food sticks to the wok adding a bit of water is enough to get it all moving again, I guess this is what she's trying to do but she just adds a lot of water and then drops whatever she intends to "fry" in it so I think it's just her being dumb.
Yeah, that's the thing. Firstly, she chooses the leanest meat available to cook...without oil. There is nothing wrong with a drop of olive oil when working with lean meat. I'm not sure why she prefers her stupid ground turkey for recipes that would be better with stew beef or hell, in this one even chicken would have been preferable. Secondly, as you said, she just essentially boils her meat. Get some non-stick pans if you want to avoid fat, but don't boil your meat for a soup. You want that nice fond, those little brown bits you can scrape up when you add the broth.

You know what triggers me? She's nearly 600 elbees and has never read or followed a recipe in her life. Also, she's online all day long and has never once looked at so much as a Tasty video or a cooking show. That's just fucking weird.
 

Agoraphobic Bullshit

Already angry about Christmas songs
kiwifarms.net
I've never seen a 600 lb blob not using a little olive oil or butter to season. She uses fucking water. Disgusting.
Bitch you're huge. A little Oil and butter aren't going to make a difference on your size.
Why does she use that disgusting tube meat? Why not use some lean ground beef and season it with onion while sauteing. No water. It zaps the flavor out.
Cut the onion in small bites. Not huge slices.
Hell if anything buy a pack of seasonings.
Her cooking irks the fuck out of me because I love cooking. She does it wrong.
I never did understand the vitriol with the tube meat, since *powerlevel* I've always had beef straight from a farm and the ground beef is often plastic packaged.

Then I looked up the actual product she used and understood immediately.
 

GargoyleGorl

Token SJW
kiwifarms.net
Is there a reason why you can't use the existing thread? https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chef-amberlynn-and-her-creations.40051/
Yeah, I did mention that in the OP. Guess I should have linked it so it was harder to miss.

Anyway, to answer your question this was meant more for containing the cookery sperging than for just "lol AL can't cook". But people will use it for what they want, I guess. Or a mod will delete it and nothing of value will really be lost.
 

JambledUpWords

Destiny is bae, don’t tell Becky
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
The way Cookinglynn messes up simple recipes like cucumber boats bothers me. She’s so lazy that she didn’t even bother hollowing out the cucumber first. Then she takes half a carton of cream cheese and spreads it on there. For how much she messes up cooking, I want to see her make a cake entirely from a written recipe (no cake mix allowed). It’s not like she has a discerning palate or a desire to lose weight, so she has nothing to lose.
 

dismissfrogs

kiwifarms.net
Her soup cooking today triggered me. No soup should look like this:
View attachment 1036741
She needs to learn how to add things in order and go easier on things like salt, onion powder, garlic salt, onions and garlic. For how much garlic she puts in her food, you’d think she was trying to ward off vampires.
where tf is the soup part
 
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