Movies You Love But Ought to Hate - polish your sacred turds for all to see

Pargon

Hitler died, my mother also died
True & Honest Fan
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Everyone has at least one. You watch a film and all the way through you think to yourself, "My God, is this shit". You get to the end and you walk away but you keep thinking about it, and at some point you watch it again. And again. And again, and all the while you're trying your best to figure out what keeps bringing you back to it. Why do you love this rotten thing so much?

We are none of us free from sin. Confess, and be united in your bearing of awful taste.

(There's a Guilty Pleasure Movies thread here but for the most part it's just folks mentioning the titles they like. This is meant to be a thread not just identifying such films, but discussing why they're bad and why you love them anyway.)

===

The British 1971 film Get Carter is a revenge film, but it is also deconstruction of the gangster archetype through the application of unrepentant violence. Michael Caine plays the protagonist, Jack Carter, a London gangster who came up in the underworld of Newcastle and left his family behind, including brother Frank, to seek greater fortune further south. The film opens with Carter returning to Newcastle after hearing of his brother's death in a drunk-driving accident.


Between familial knowledge and scoundrel savvy Carter suspects foul play and mounts his own investigation. What follows is 109 minutes of thinly-veiled threats, neck-deep immersion into a dozen kinds of iniquity, and Jack dispatching anyone involved in his brother's death as well as those sent by his London employers to retrieve him. Carter is the epitome of Lack of Nonsense. He slaps the shit out of a man who isn't even involved at that point just for jabbing a finger in his chest. Rude motherfucker.


The bloodshed goes up to even the final minute, culminating in an ending so bleak you'd wonder whether it ought to have been filmed in Scandinavia instead. The film is less a character study and more an exploration of archetype, extending out the notion of the Vengeful Man to the end point, wherein justice is so brutal that it is no longer noble but exists only for its own sake. It makes no further commentary on this, either, allowing the viewer to draw their own conclusions as to whether Carter was justified.

Oh, and in the event you didn't watch the first clip, do that. The music is fantastic.

Now, I tell you all of that not because Get Carter is one of my most beloved shitty films. The British Get Carter is great, so much so that several publications list it as one of the greatest crime films of all time. The 2000 American remake however, is another story.

GC2k stars Sylvester Stallone as Jack Carter, a Las Vegas enforcer/loan shark collector/man who punches things who came up in the underworld of Seattle (???????????????) and left his family behind, including brother Ritchie, sister-in-law Gloria and niece Doreen to seek greater fortune further southwest. The film opens with a quote about how crappy man is that the screenwriter thought sounded cool as Carter proceeds to chase down a man and then beat him up alongside John C. McGinley so we know that he (Carter), who is built like a brick shithouse, is tough. Against the advice of his colleague Dr. Cox, Carter hops a train to return to Seattle to attend the funeral of his brother, recently killed in a drunk-driving accident, whom he believes met with foul play.


If this is sounding familiar, then good. You've been paying attention so far.

The American film follows the original in terms of plot and cast very closely. All the same major players and plot points are present. Where it falls down is in its direction and its characters.

The original Get Carter was made by filmmakers with experience in documentaries, and who either studied the British underworld or were familiar with it by association with actual members. The result is a gritty, no-frills portrayal of the events of the story; while there are exciting moments they are presented in a very factual, realistic way. By contrast GC2k tries to incorporate some of the production elements common of other grittier action films of its time. Blue filters are omnipresent. Overexposure, flashes of light and sudden jumps in speed of shots are used to jarring effect to represent the passage of time or dramatic recollections. At one point while Carter is experiencing a particularly emotional moment following a devastating revelation while sitting in a car in the middle of a road, the shot turns upside down.

Do you geddit, audience?!

Suffice to say the cinematography is...interesting, and hardly used to great effect. If the director wanted to portray Carter as a man driven to the fringes of stability over the loss of his brother and his desire for revenge, that would've made an interesting story and a take on the original that I'd have liked to see, but it could have been done better with a different portrayal of the character rather than quick cuts to different angles of closeups of Stallone's mug punctuated by lens flares.

Which brings me to my next point: Stallone as Carter.

Sly Stallone is Sly Stallone. Much like many action film leading men, you know what you're going to get out of him. Fair's fair. But, knowing that, you should be prepared to use him for the right job, and the right job is not talking a young woman through recalling her violent rape. Nor is it echoing some of Caine's most iconic lines from the original, especially when it is being done to Caine himself, who plays a strange minor-and-yet-still-major role as a callback. Stallone is best used when intimidating people and hitting things, which he does more than his share of. Unfortunately, while Caine is happy to rough people up in GC, much of the necessary brutality goes well beyond that, and Stallone's actions in GC2k make him look like a choirboy in comparison. In multiple instances he is shown to be reluctant to kill, even determined not to do so, and I can't help but think that, despite both films earned an R rating for the US, someone (or someones) just didn't feel right with Sly portraying an unabashed murderer. Him shooting the mastermind in the back in the final five minutes of the film still doesn't put him nearly on the same level as Caine's Carter.

This all might make me sound like a bloodthirsty lunatic, but I appreciate violence in media where it's warranted, and where is it warranted more than when a character is avenging their own blood? The violence in GC is part of the point; it's central to showing the viewer Carter's depth of character in his desire for justice. Caine's Carter kills a female conspirator in the death of Frank with a lethal injection and dumps her body at the home of another. He is harder than a coffin nail. Stallone punching Mickey Rourke until he's a bloody mess on the floor, while visceral, just doesn't have nearly the same oomph.

So we've got an American remake of a quintessential revenge film with jarring cinematography, a lead actor with far less gravitas and a reimagining of the protagonist who is milquetoast by comparison. Why the fuck do I like this piece of shit?

For starters, the supporting cast is actually good. John C. McGinley steals every single scene he's in. I don't even care that he's the same persona in nearly everything. The man has perfected goofy-intense to a honed edge. He could read the phone book and I'd be entertained. Miranda Richardson as Gloria, Ritchie's widow, is underused. I'd have liked to have had one or two more quiet scenes with her doing something other than reminding Carter what a shithead he is. Rachael Leigh Cook does nearly all the legwork in her scenes as Doreen bonding with Carter. Alan Cumming is pitch fucking perfect as a sniveling tech mogul. I almost think the casting supervisors knew that Stallone and Caine were a done deal and so they immediately went to work getting people who they knew could shoulder the rest of the roles.

Secondly, there's a superficial moodiness that just does it for me in the remake. Newcastle is not a pretty place in the original and from what I understand about its history and climate Seattle makes for a pretty decent American analogue, or at least one that producers would expect average American audiences to recognize. Some place in the American rust belt might've fit better thematically but hardly anyone sets stories there unless they're about those places. GC2k is dark, and rainy, and overcast. All. The fucking. Time. Is this hackneyed for the kind of film it is? Yes. Do I love it anyway for that? Also yes.

Finally, the music is perfect in its own right. Tyler Bates is no Roy Budd. Fine. And maybe you hated the late-90s/early-2000s film trend of electronic music being everywhere, but Bates never went with the obvious and still managed to pick out some bangers. This film is solely responsible for my discovery of Mint Royale, a fact that would make me cherish it alone, but the opening features Bates' take on the main title theme, "Carter Takes A Train", which I rank right up beside things like "Blade Runner Blues" on my list of great modern film music.

I know it's shit. It's shit even when you don't hold it up beside the original. Stallone can barely emote in it past "sorta angry" or "almost crying but not quite". The body count is in the single digits. McGinley does somehow not kill Carter halfway through the film and take over. But damn if I don't own Get Carter (2000) in three different formats anyway.

It's shit. But it's my kind of shit.
 

Ruin

Mercenary Slut
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
If you watch Showgirls as a satirical black comedy instead of the serious drama it was marketed as it's a very enjoyable film.

Freddy got fingered is an impressive exercise in neo surrealism and I think with better marketing it could have had a The Room tier following. I've held drunk move nights with it and the entire room was roaring with laughter.
 

Tootsie Bear

kiwifarms.net
I have a love/hate relationship with the movie Action Point. Action Point was Jackass movie if Jackass was originally on Saturday Night Live, not MTV. It was a lot like Joe Dirt in the main character reflecting on the past with Jackass antics. Not as good as Bad Grandpa but fun enough to watch. Just no replay value in my opinion.
 

Autumnal Equinox

Non ducor, duco
kiwifarms.net
There's a lot of shitty horror movies out there I enjoy.

The Mangler: demon-possessed laundromat appliance kills employees. I find it fascinating so many big names in horror were attached to this. Tobe Hooper directed it, Robert Englund and Ted Levine star in it and it was based off a Stephen King short story. It's corny as fuck, the acting quality is all over the place, but the gore is decent, and everybody seems to know it's a dumb movie and just has fun hamming it up. It's a fun movie.

The Paperboy. Basically, it's The Bad Seed if the sociopathic little girl was replaced by a gangly ginger guy who was clearly going through puberty at the time. Imagine being menaced and threatened with a golf club by the Squeaky Voiced Teen from The Simpsons and you have this movie. Like The Mangler, it's pretty goofy, but I love it for exactly that reason.

Usually sacrilege to say amongst other Elm Street fans, but I unironically like Freddy's Dead. Yeah, Freddy has been completely neutered by this point, and the movie is more of a live action cartoon than anything else, but there's something about it that makes me like it, regardless of all it's flaws. I think it's nostalgia mainly in how the movie is such a perfect time capsule of early 90s fashion and aesthetics, just like how the previous Elm Street movies were a great time capsule of the 80s I feel.
 

K. V. Bones

Boulder Puncher
kiwifarms.net
My favorite movie I ought to hate, well its gonna be a surprise but the my little pony movie NOW HOLD ON... I've got a good reason.

Its fun as shit to watch the movie on Gmods: Swamp Cinema (Extreme satire server) and just watch as everyone cracks jokes every minute of the film.

So I ought to hate the movie but Swamp Cinema makes it fun.
 

Matthew216

kiwifarms.net
Ghostbusters 2 immediately popped into my head. On paper, it does many things I typically hate about sequels, the biggest issue of which being that the film is just a rehash of the first. But, somehow someway, the cast manages to be charming enough to make me forget about all my problems with it.
Agreed!

Also Lewis x Janine is better and has more chemistry than Egon x Janine. I’ve said it, that makes it true.
 

c-no

Gluttonous Bed Shitter
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Blue Seagull
It's a shitty adult cartoon from South Korea, the first one iirc from reading about it. It suffers from things like shitty English subtitles, crappy animation, crappy CGI even for the time of the early 90's, reusing some animation frames, unnecessary sex scenes, and most importantly an incoherent story that doesn't tell one much as to why some American mafia attacked a Japanese yakuza for some magical sword from a Korean Buddha statue the protagonist is looking for (wherein said Buddha statue gives the protagonist the magical sword) nor is the evil yakuza member even brought up beyond about four scenes and why some corporation that is mentioned once even backs the mafia group or even why they'd want the magical Korean buddha sword. Literally a shit film that from what I remember in Google translating Korean comments was not liked in its home country along with apparently being in some sort of time capsule. All that said, I managed to ironically enjoy the film though that's all likely from just reading the shitty subtitles that said things like "he takes you alone to baster" and "die, the asshole" as well as enjoying some scenes from the main antagonist who legit reminded me of Looten Plunder from Captain Planet. Said main antagonist also had a voice actor who gave in more effort to his character than anyone else. It also made me enjoy the brief appearance of a character I dubbed Black Korean Rambo simply because he shoots a light machine gun from a helicopter at a bunch of mafia goons even though in the end he crashes the helicopter into an Apache helicopter that managed to kill his pilot friend. Black Korean Rambo and Korean Looten Plunder were likely the best things from this schlock.

Edit: quick screenshots I taken just to show how this all looks.
blue seagull 1.png
blue seagull 2.png
blue seagull 3.png
blue seagull 4.png
blue seagull 5.png
blue seagull 6.png
blue seagull 7.png
 
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BrunoMattei

No I am not the Cinema Snob
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
@c-no You should activate windows.

As far as guilty pleasures, Italian horror movies are my big thing. The great ones, the genuinely great ones, are fantastic cinema. But the bad ones are something special (See: username). Love the shitty Italian zombie movies like Zombie Holocaust, Hell of the Living Dead, Burial Ground, Nightmare City, Zombi 3, Zombi 4, and Killing Birds AKA Zombi 5.
 

c-no

Gluttonous Bed Shitter
True & Honest Fan
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@c-no You should activate windows.

As far as guilty pleasures, Italian horror movies are my big thing. The great ones, the genuinely great ones, are fantastic cinema. But the bad ones are something special (See: username). Love the shitty Italian zombie movies like Zombie Holocaust, Hell of the Living Dead, Burial Ground, Nightmare City, Zombi 3, Zombi 4, and Killing Birds AKA Zombi 5.
And give them money for Windows 10? No thanks, I'm saving my money for something more substantial.

Also forgot to mention another movie that's a guilty pleasure: Undefeatable by Godfrey Ho, a man known for z grade films using Richard Harris and ninjas along with splicing in unrelated films. Unlike the others, Undefeatable manages to be a completely original work not using footage from other films with dubbed on voices. The films about some mechanic with a mullet going from some underground fighter to a serial killer rapist after his wife leaves him for being abusive and having some mommy issues. He ends up going after women that barely resemble his wife and the only ones out to stop him is a cop and some street fighting gang lady whose sister was killed by the mullet wearing serial killer. Best thing the movie was known for was it's final scene between the serial killer and the cop and street fighter. The former two end up ripping off their shirts and magically getting their chest oiled before they continue fighting while the street fighter comes in fighting with an arm cast.

A lesser known but also memorable scene is the serial killer having a bad day that his tantrum goes into some slight slow motion.
 

Pokemonquistador2

Electric Boogaloo
kiwifarms.net
An awful film I love is MacKenna's Gold. One of the last dying gasps of the 1950-60's wide-screen spectacle film phenomenon. (It was going to be 3 hours long and shown in Cinerama, but it had to be cut down to 2 hrs long and 35mm film.) It was an ambitious film with a budget that was far too low to fulfill said ambitions. The film hired lots of big name actors to star in the film, then killed off their characters halfway through (but at least they were in the film long enough to get featured on the trailer!) The film is half shot on location, half shot in a studio, with cheap effects like rear projection and miniatures that looked like they were designed by the director's 8 year old son. Gregory Peck called it one of the worst films he'd ever worked on.

Why do I love it? Well, it does have some gold mixed in among the dross. Some good acting, Omar Sherif is an entertaining bad guy, and Julie Newmar (Catwoman) plays the hero's psycho ex-girlfriend. Ted Cassidy (Lurch from The Addams Family) and Telly Savalas are in this flick too; it's a veritable cornucopia of the 1960's most entertaining character actors. I noticed a lot of plot similarities between this movie and Stephen Sommers later Mummy remake, leaving me to think he may have lifted a few plot points from this treasure hunt adventure flick. I can see why; the treasure hunt part of this movie is pretty good, especially the escape at the end, - it just needed more of a budget to fully realize it.

The movie also has a grand epic opening, with a theme song by Jose Feliciano, which the rest of the movie struggles to live up to:


It's a great film to plug into on a lazy Saturday afternoon when you've got nothing to do.
 

whogoesthere

In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge.
kiwifarms.net
@c-no You should activate windows.

As far as guilty pleasures, Italian horror movies are my big thing. The great ones, the genuinely great ones, are fantastic cinema. But the bad ones are something special (See: username). Love the shitty Italian zombie movies like Zombie Holocaust, Hell of the Living Dead, Burial Ground, Nightmare City, Zombi 3, Zombi 4, and Killing Birds AKA Zombi 5.

One of those Italian zombie movies I remember used music cuts from Dawn of the Dead, and borrowed its OST as well. It also sort of told 3 stories at once, and one of them was Zombie Flesh Eaters (Think that's called Zombi 2 outside the UK), and another one was just cuts of stock footage of rainforests being cut down and meat production. It's a very strange film, I think it might have been Zombi 2 (which might have been Zombi 3 outside the UK, fucking naming shit).

I used to watch loads of zombie movies years ago. I remember Zombie Nosh which was a cheap as fuck American zombie movie which I think was made on a VHS Camera, and was amusing in how bad it was. Me and my buddy used to fucking end ourselves as one of the scenes had loads of zombies getting into the barn, and you can clearly see one of the background zombies is just dancing, did not give a single fuck about this movie.

One of my personal joys to watch was so shit it became something bordering on art. Here is a simple breakdown to give you an idea.

The Occultist

It starts with a scene in a Caribbean embassy party, with a politicians daughters is kidnapped. In walks our hero. He is a New York cop bounty hunter. He starts his investigation not in the embassy, but in the streets of America. He decides to go and look into a zombie cult worship sex party that fucks and sucks under the boardwalk down by the ocean. He discovers an alien lifeform has infiltrated the local water supply and is making a legion of zombies to take over the world. As mad as all that sounds, the film just sort of ends. The cop is taking a piss and one of the zombie aliens jumps him from behind, and he turns round and his cock shots a bullet and kills the zombie. He was actually a robot all along.

It's a fever dream of storylines. I am missing loads, as some stuff would appear for a single scene and was never mentioned again. I should hate it because its clearly dog shit, but I always enjoyed watching it because it's so stupid.
 

BrunoMattei

No I am not the Cinema Snob
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
One of those Italian zombie movies I remember used music cuts from Dawn of the Dead, and borrowed its OST as well. It also sort of told 3 stories at once, and one of them was Zombie Flesh Eaters (Think that's called Zombi 2 outside the UK), and another one was just cuts of stock footage of rainforests being cut down and meat production. It's a very strange film, I think it might have been Zombi 2 (which might have been Zombi 3 outside the UK, fucking naming shit).

It was Bruno Mattei's Hell of the Living Dead that also had music from Contamination and Buio Omega.
 

Dom Cruise

I'll fucking Mega your ass, bitch!
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Pretty much any movie from the 2000s I watch today I enjoy because it's fun looking back at that decade and anything pre-woke has a leg up on anything post-woke, it's so downright refreshing to watch a movie from a time when the goal was to simply entertain you and not preach at you or tick things off on an artificial "diversity" checklist, back when a movie could have a... *gasp* all white primary cast!

Some examples I've watched recently being the 2004 movie Suspect Zero, which is a completely generic "serial killer thriller" of the era, so generic that it actually feels like a fake "movie within a movie" if you know what I mean and yet that actually was weirdly charming in it's own way.


I also watched the 2002 Rob Schneider movie The Hot Chick and was completely shocked to find that... I liked it? It actually wasn't a bad movie, although the premise was funnier in a modern context, but mainly what I enjoyed was all the crazy 2002 fashions the characters wear, which the movie was a great snapshot of.


And most recently I watched another 2000s comedy, Strange Wilderness, this one was pretty bad, but still amusing, like I said, even stupid stuff from the 2000s can be charming today.
 

Pargon

Hitler died, my mother also died
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Blue Seagull
It's a shitty adult cartoon from South Korea, the first one iirc from reading about it. It suffers from things like shitty English subtitles, crappy animation, crappy CGI even for the time of the early 90's, reusing some animation frames, unnecessary sex scenes, and most importantly an incoherent story that doesn't tell one much as to why some American mafia attacked a Japanese yakuza for some magical sword from a Korean Buddha statue the protagonist is looking for (wherein said Buddha statue gives the protagonist the magical sword) nor is the evil yakuza member even brought up beyond about four scenes and why some corporation that is mentioned once even backs the mafia group or even why they'd want the magical Korean buddha sword. Literally a shit film that from what I remember in Google translating Korean comments was not liked in its home country along with apparently being in some sort of time capsule. All that said, I managed to ironically enjoy the film though that's all likely from just reading the shitty subtitles that said things like "he takes you alone to baster" and "die, the asshole" as well as enjoying some scenes from the main antagonist who legit reminded me of Looten Plunder from Captain Planet. Said main antagonist also had a voice actor who gave in more effort to his character than anyone else. It also made me enjoy the brief appearance of a character I dubbed Black Korean Rambo simply because he shoots a light machine gun from a helicopter at a bunch of mafia goons even though in the end he crashes the helicopter into an Apache helicopter that managed to kill his pilot friend. Black Korean Rambo and Korean Looten Plunder were likely the best things from this schlock.

Edit: quick screenshots I taken just to show how this all looks.
This entire movie looks like it's full of amazing lines. Now I have to track it down.

EDIT: thanks for the new custom title. Solid gold.
And give them money for Windows 10? No thanks, I'm saving my money for something more substantial.

Also forgot to mention another movie that's a guilty pleasure: Undefeatable by Godfrey Ho, a man known for z grade films using Richard Harris and ninjas along with splicing in unrelated films. Unlike the others, Undefeatable manages to be a completely original work not using footage from other films with dubbed on voices. The films about some mechanic with a mullet going from some underground fighter to a serial killer rapist after his wife leaves him for being abusive and having some mommy issues. He ends up going after women that barely resemble his wife and the only ones out to stop him is a cop and some street fighting gang lady whose sister was killed by the mullet wearing serial killer. Best thing the movie was known for was it's final scene between the serial killer and the cop and street fighter. The former two end up ripping off their shirts and magically getting their chest oiled before they continue fighting while the street fighter comes in fighting with an arm cast.

A lesser known but also memorable scene is the serial killer having a bad day that his tantrum goes into some slight slow motion.
>writes paragraph about Undefeatable
>no mention made of how legitimately cool Cynthia Rothrock is

:(
 
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