Lolcow Myles Bukrim / @MylesBukrim / / ShadowOfMyles - Minesweeper Online Beginner Pro/Ex-Speedrunner with a "dark secret"

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True & Honest Fan
How many people believe all that stuff I just said, anyway? Probably no one. Ok, so I'm "crazy" and I cheated. Let's start removing the times, like, now. I graduated from college because I had to. I may go back and get a PhD because I might feel that I have to. I am working at the best company in my city because I have to work and it's the best way to do that. I'm single and have no kids, but I visit with my family. Sure, I love them, but you also feel a sense of obligation there. Otherwise, I am going to share these extreme experiences of mine and find out who believes and who doesn't. If I only have one friend out of 7 billion plus people, that's fine because I have heaven later on.

Cheating was still stupid and a sin at that. I was wrong to do it. In no way do I condone my action and I do not encourage anyone else to do the same. I felt bad joining this place October 4th 1998, but I did it anyway. I was suicidal the whole time I climbed the charts during the next few months. I could've been Martin McMullan. On May 31st 1999, I became a Christian and it saved me. I always wished I could've became a Christian first because I never would've had any desire to join this place.
So... he's a Christian... and this fucks up his life and makes cheating a sin... I don't... what?

(For reference: Martin McMullan was a Karter who committed suicide, from what I can tell)

In response:

wtf did I just read
Thank you, Yoshistar.

Utterly baffling. Its like Myles took his life cues from a Kate Bush song.
And you, Zarkov!

ok so myles is insane
carry on
Seriously man offending everyone on this site with things that sure sound like I wished I never came here is beyond ridiculous.
You too, wheatrich.

As you can see, the community did not take kindly to Myles'... whatever the fuck that was. But they really didn't take too well to his 2007 post, either. Let's look at that one now.

Here is the post. It's ridiculously tl;dr and fucking worth it. I mean, when your introduction is:
I'm not one of you. And what I mean is, I don't care about this video gaming lifestyle as much as any of you. I care about it the least of everyone here. I'm sure of it. I've been around long enough to know.
You gotta know that's gold from the moment you see it. Like in a "why the fuck does this matter, are you THAT MUCH of a self-important ass" kind of way. Let's see what this is all about, shall we?

I look at the leaderboards though, all the other top players devote a large part of their lives to the game. Several hours a day to get there. It takes a lot of emotions and sacrifices to get near the top of these leaderboards. It becomes one of your main drives in life.

Not for me though. In fact, I've sacrificed basically nothing at all. The friends I have outside of my house, even the people inside of my house, my family, they look at me and see a guy who spends a lot of his time studying for college and doing well on exams, as he should. I sleep 7 or 8 hours a night, I am always healthy and rested. My muscles are defined, I exercise daily and play basketball several days a week. I'm on my way to getting a well-paying job and no one outside of my house, no one, not even my own parents, see my playing video games or communicating with anyone here ever.
So... are you just claiming that you're naturally one of the most talented MK64 players to ever exist? I don't deny that people can be talented at video games in the same way as anything else, but this just reeks of sneering condescension toward the obsessive community.

You people don't like the direction this is going. You are offended presuming that I am in the process of insulting your lifestyle. I'm not.

Many of you will get well-paying jobs as well and I'm happy for you. This community and playing the video games devotedly has many positives for you and I believe this is a place you are meant to be. I look at you all with a smile and no objections toward you. Make no changes and continue to live this way with my approval.
... Even if you try to deny it.

I spend time with these people and I sacrifice myself to make them as happy as I can in return...while I'm not studying for school or praying to God. Occasionally, a girl will approach me timidly take a bold step for her. She'll ask me if I ever think about giving up school and getting a local job and my own apartment...if I ever think about going out with her, having sex with her (really, it has happened many times), spending my life with her.

I don't like to say no to anyone, but when people ask me to do what God doesn't want me to do, I have to. And thats what I do, I tell the girl that I can't do what she is asking me. Though she continues to insist and beg of me, I never give in to this kind of request.
Wait, what?

So yeah. Myles is a ridiculously, amazingly delusional Christian. And don't get me wrong, I may be an atheist, but that's not why I have a problem with the way he approaches his religion. It's just far too much. And it manifests in the weirdest fucking ways:
I play basketball and make plays that cause the guys I'm playing with to say, "He never misses. He's perfect. He's Jesus." Stuff like that. It's been hard for me to handle the comparison to Jesus I've received so often. It's not true. I'm not that good. I've sinned before and Jesus doesn't sin.
I just... there are no words. I couldn't stop laughing at this when I first saw it. (I also can't buy that he's crazy perfect talented at basketball and video games!!)

On MK64:
While I play time trials, I stop every 20 minutes to read a bible verse and pray to God to make sure that there is nothing else He wants me to do at the time instead of playing the game. If nothing comes to mind, I continue playing.
Let me repeat this:

While I play time trials, I stop every 20 minutes to read a bible verse and pray to God to make sure that there is nothing else He wants me to do at the time instead of playing the game. If nothing comes to mind, I continue playing.

To quote my best friend when I told her about this: "I DON'T THINK GOD CARES ABOUT YOU PLAYING MARIO KART" and that basically sums up how I see it. I just can't fathom that someone is like this.

I think of an idea. I play another 20 minutes. I read another bible verse and pray again. Then, before I know it, boom I have a world record. Quite an accident. I'm just killing an hour or two and out of nowhere I get a world record. Haven't played a video game in a few months, and I set a world record in an hour or two. This has happened more often than I can count. It's unbelievable.
He's right about it being unbelievable, no arguments there

I think about keeping the world record a secret. I think to myself, "Maybe it would've been better for me to never join the kart community. Afterall, I don't deserve the respect I get from these people because I don't play enough or commit myself enough to the game or the community. I don't deserve any positive words I get from these people."


Keeping my new world record a secret would be bad though. Hoarding world records is a crime. So I email the world record as I'm supposed to. I listen to all the people congratulating me, though I only play once a month for an hour or two, it was nothing, it was easy. It would be rude for me to tell these people congratulating me how easy it is, wouldn't it? Would it make me seem like I'm a far superior person than almost everyone in the community? That I could never commit myself at all and climb so high up the leaderboard this way? I politely thank everyone and pretend it was difficult.

This has gone on for so many years. It is bad of me to let it continue this way for so long.
The moral dilemmas of Mario Kart 64, folks.

I sign on AIM and MSN simultaneously. Next thing I know, my screen is filled with 10 conversation windows. 9 of the people are gamers, bothering me senseless. The other window is the girl in my neighborhood who cried on my shoulder when her cat ran away a few years ago, who wants to talk to me now about meeting her some place later on so we can hang out for a while or watch a movie together. She wonders why I'm so slow to respond to her IMs. I feel awful. I really want to be with her instead. She makes me feel like an amazing person. I wish I wasn't expected to talk to so many people online after setting an effortless world record. I don't want this lifestyle. Being outside of my house with people who tell me how special I am is far more important to me.
I thought you didn't want to be with girls? Also, "being [...] with people who tell me how special I am is far more important". Huh. So you're admitting you just want a bunch of ass-kissers?

Kart doesn't make me sexy and girls love me way more when I'm not playing and living this lifestyle.
He's misogynistic too (in that "girls don't appreciate gamers" way)!!! Gotta love it.

I declare a fake retirement from video games at this moment. I throw my cartridge in the river. And do something irrational and rude on this message board that hurts some innocent victim who has no idea what my problem is.
This is an anecdote. He threw his cartridge of Mario Kart 64 in a river because it hurt his life. This guy is gold.

But I'm not one of you. I don't believe in the kart bible. I get my chicks without playing kart, so kart=chicks doesn't mean anything to me, but for you, I'm glad that so many of you adopt kart=chicks. This is something you spend a lot of time doing and it is a great freedom as I said earlier. The atmosphere here is wonderful as are its people. Kart can equal chicks, think about it rationally people. Think about all the kinds of chicks in the world and what their common interests are in a guy. Think about the reasons why she would prefer a gamer over the other kinds of guys available on the market. Tell the chicks what the pros are of being like yourself and prepare yourself to be up a good argument against any cons the chicks might present.
Also I just love how this (and subsequent responses to this part of the post) assumes there's no girls on the Internet, in gaming, or on the MK64 forum. Which is hilarious to me as a girl who plays video games and played MK64 a shitton as a kid. I have nothing but respect for the people who are this feverishly devoted to their games, honestly. You know, when they don't cheat and talk about God not wanting them to play video games.

I wanted to clear things up and I'm sorry I acted like I belonged here.

My local friends would put my name in a search engine to see what came up, and I was all over the video gaming web sites. They were like WTF? It put me in the weirdest situations.

They treated me like I was uncool for a minute. Then I reminded them how well I do in school, I workout and I'm there for them, and there is not really any time for me to be a gamer anyway. I only play once or twice a month I tell them and they realize I'm telling the truth because there really isn't any more time than that in my life.
What the fuck are these friends

But the kart=chicks part, I'm not one of you guys. I get my chicks by looking sexy and playing basketball and spending time with them. You guys know how to answer this question better than I do.

C'mon though fellas, I'm routing for you here. Defend yourselves on this one. Spend some meditation time, I'm sure this kart=chicks equation can work for you. come up with a game plan for your life, so way that you can approach the girl you want and tell her how great this is. Make this a reality. Talking about chicks is one thing, getting them is another. Anyone who can spend this much time committed to gaming and get the goals they want can easily commit themselves to a girl and make the relationship work. Ever tried putting your arm around a girl and karting at the same time? When you're doing SCs that involve lakitu picking you up, take a second to make some quick 3 to 4 second love with you girl and redirect your focus on the TV screen as lakitu puts you down.
DYIGN there is SO much sexism here it's amazing

That's basically as much of his post as is interesting enough to post here. Now, I'm going through the comments to get to the rest of the hilarity in this thread. Before I get there there's a shitton of hilarious sexism and general out-of-touch-with-the-gaming-demographic from the other users that you can see for yourself if you really want to

(there is this money quote though:
Some girls even played kart when they were young.

User Michael F responds to Myles with some excellent points:
Comparing your gaming skills, sports skills, or any kinds of skills to Jesus is completely pointless. Jesus never played basketball. He never played Mario Kart. He lived 2000 years ago, so his life was completely different than any of our lives. Whether or not you've sinned before has nothing to do with how good you are at basketball. I'd be rather offended if someone saw me playing Mario Kart and told me I was as good as a guy who never played the game.

I think this obsession you have with Jesus is hurting you more than it's helping you. Praying to Jesus all the time isn't gonna improve the quality of your life, and Jesus isn't going to tell you what you want out of life, you have to figure that out on your own. Just accept that you have a gift and take advantage of it. Accept that you can do things that most people can't. Are you on your college's basketball team? Have you ever tried out for the NBA? If all your friends think you're so amazing at basketball, then you're playing basketball with the wrong people. You should be setting high goals for yourself.


If you can't even go out with girls, then maybe you should start looking for a new religion.


So now video games are something to be ashamed of? If they try to make you feel bad for playing video games then maybe you should find new friends. Even if it's true that you don't play often anymore, you shouldn't need to say that to convince them that you're cool. What hobbies do your friends have that are so much cooler than video games?
which addresses the condescensions of Myles very well.

Myles' response is pretty uninteresting, but has this paragraph:
But there is a certain part of what you're saying that is useful to me and I'm beginning to realize it lately. To put a lot into just a few words, I'd say that while I respect the supremacy of God & Jesus, I also need to believe in myself to the fullest because I am capable of wonderous things that have not yet taking place due to my own hesitation and silence. As it is, I don't know why, but I'm the guy who stood innocently and watched God part the clouds and come down in glowing light to talk to me, so that should be reason enough for me to strive for excellence in what I do.
(emphasis mine)
So, here he is talking about that experience again. Let me reiterate that this man believes God came down to show him the world as a sign that he would become Moste Excellente. Let that sink in a bit.

Michael F reasonably responded:
That has nothing to do with god...

Clouds blocking the sun = perfectly normal
Clouds moving out of the way = glowing light comes down
Voice talking to you = schizophrenia
But then:
The only thing blocking the sun was the earth and not clouds, since God came down to me in a glowing light at night. Entertaining as it is, I am more than likely to look past any further comments you make Fried, because I have more constructive ideas for myself in mind than carrying on this stalement with you.
No but seriously what the actual fuck

After Michael F asks further questions to determine if it's schizophrenia, user Camster says "John 1:18 - 'No man has seen God at any time'"
to which Myles responds
That's a good quote.

When God came down, the light was so bright that I was unable to see clearly for the moment, and could only hear God's words and feel His presence.

Edit: And come to think of it, the instant I realized just how bright the light was, I looked away from it for the remainder of the experience figuring that it could blind me.

User Patricio:
oh c'mon Myles.

What your saying is god walks around with a Floodlight at all times so people can't see what he looks like?

Sounds like a load of Bellshit.
Then Myles gets ridiculously defensive:
Well ok. I've said basically all I feel the need to say here unless anyone has any further questions.

It's fine, the majority of people think I'm crazy when I start talking about this experience (along with the other religious experiences I've shared) and I don't have any tangible proof that I indeed have had this experience, so I'm willing to live with the disbelief of others.

There really is no need for me to carry this on anymore though unless there are people who want to hear more. Still I'm thankful to have the opportunity to share my vantage point without taking any serious abuse for it.
No wonder you get the mob treatment elsewhere! You're completely and utterly out of touch with reality!!

Alex Penev (one of the greatest MK64 and to a lesser extent SM64 players around) puts Myles' USI complex best:
God favours some people more than others, obviously. He plays favourites. If you're not one of God's favourites, you're screwed to begin with. And unlike Myles, not all those people he visits were even very religious before he met them. They just all of a sudden had an epiphany and were convinced that being devout is the best way. What better reason than favouritism can you think of for God visiting others and not you?
User PT:
Myles is looking more crazy every post. That book is controlling his life. I did believe in GOD (kinda) , changed my mind now. After reading what Myles has said.
If that's not the best thing I don't know what is

After more religious debate between several members, Myles returns:
Well as expected, I've gotten replies on both extremes of the spectrum...some people are really interested and some people are really offended, but that's what I get for making such an extreme topic.

I don't have much time now, but I should say that I also am not sure why God talked to me. I guess I won the spiritual experience lottery on that particular night.

This is just the most ridiculous shit I've ever seen.
Even other Christians are posting that Myles is crazy and giving Christianity a bad name. Which he totally is.

Then he returns with a longer post addressing the bulk of replies and concerns:
I have no one to blame but myself for prolonging my doom in this community.
Throwing a cartridge into a river, fake retirements... things that could've all been avoided had I been as honest as you are. I understand my destiny.
Then, ready to take the beating, I removed the mask on page 2 and waited to be officially thrown out of a community I should have left several years ago.
Wow, you're really full of yourself and completely condescending.

Retiring from Mario Kart 64 is foolish, I've learned how that solves nothing. I will continue to play. My times should be removed from the kart site, but I'm sure they won't since I never cheated and that is the only basis for removal of times.
This. This is the relevant line. In the 2015 post, he discussed how his motivation for cheating was "they wouldn't get rid of my times". But he cheated in SM64 and had records in MK64. He says in the 2015 post that he wanted to become famous enough that the siteowners would respect him. But why does he cheat in an UNRELATED FUCKING GAME, then, when he admits right here that cheating in MK64 would be grounds for getting his times removed? What the actual fuck did he want to accomplish by cheating in SM64???

But anyway, at this point in 2007, he deletes his account and expects to be forcefully, hatefully expelled from the community. Instead he just gets this response that I'd rate Winner if I could especially since it was the first response to his announcement:
Im sorry to say that, but you are acting like a pussy. Come back and just be a fucking member of this community. We all have own opinions, i dont get it why you delete your account now.
Thank you, Drunk Holy Moly.

The overall response is people either a) mock him or b) wonder why the fuck he takes everything so seriously. Some choice comments:
No offense, Myles, but I am seriously concerned about your mental stability
So can someone explain to me the point of this topic? What is Myles trying to achieve?
That is the gayest thing I have ever read.
I actually agree with almost everything Fried has said in this topic.
I hope Myles can be a good soldier in his army for God and that he enjoys further discussions with the flying spaghetti monster.
User Kevin Booth (an old friend of Myles' who knew him a long time before this): I'm sorry to see him go...
User Curtis Bright (the owner of and a respected Karter): Why do I get a mental picture of you going down to the river and fishing for Myles' MK64 cartridge?

Kevin Booth: Wouldn't be the first time.

That right there is all that needs to be said. The topic dies anyway a page later after Kevin Booth tries a bit more to rationalize Myles' behavior.

So now with that in mind, we understand a bit of why Myles was such a drama queen that insisted he HAD to cheat at SM64 in the current time frame. Let's go back to the 2015 topic, where Myles has just revealed the "antelope of death" and given the 2007 topic as an explanation for his cheating, and see what he has to say now that he has publicly revealed his reasons and the fucking antelope of death:

User no control says what all of us are thinking:
There was more then enough time to confess if you really felt sorry. I think you are only sorry that you got caught.
And our old friend Michael F creates the best image response ever

And the community starts mocking his virginity in the best way possible:
I'm a 30 year-old virgin. I've never even kissed a girl.
That might have been a spliced run, tho
More quotes:
Myles you're a fucking cheater, just apologize get over it and stop with the weird delusional posts. It's not like sharing any of your silly visions with us is going to change the understandably negative attitude towards cheating this community has
^we need to here more about death antelope!!!!!!!!
The topic basically goes back to normal SM64 sperging after this. But let me just say, if you're getting ruthlessly mocked and called out on your bullshit by a community of speedrunning spergs, you're doing something wrong.

For reference, here is Myles' Youtube account. Notice the video titled "My Dark Secret". I didn't watch it because I don't feel like cringing really hard, and I don't think it has anything to do with the cheating allegations anyway.

The speedrun, before it was taken off SDA because of the cheating, can be found here. Myles does a lot of self-praising in his description/comments on the run and ends with something I guess nobody should be surprised to see:
*Myles praises God & Jesus*

I hope this has been fun and not the most tl;dr thing ever


Help. R*pe.
So, when he mentioned he was Valedictorian in the last video I posted, I thought I would search a bit to see if I could find anything related to that. I didn't, but a result came back from Sept. 17, 2015, a post here on the Farms by @Silver in fact. I checked the OP of this thread and see it wasn't mentioned, I just came across it and it is massively long so haven't even read it, but as it appears to be quite detailed and possibly informative, I am bringing it over to the thread. I am assuming you didn't know about this previously @R00T? Unfortunately due to the serious length, when I tried to post it I reached a character limit. So I split it up.


wow... now i feel like i plagiarized...

no i did not know about this and I'm a little tipsy so I've only glanced at this but it really accentuates how long Myles has been on the internet and his foot print. I think its cool that people who were browsing this forum before I knew of its existence were looking at this guy and I'm now thoroughly shocked he never got a thread. I literally found out about this guy because I decided to play Minesweeper one December evening. I might have to update the op...

Welcome to the Show

linked up with Jew Shiesty
Myles is what you get when you take one heaping scoop of OCD and one heaping scoop of autism then add a pinch of schizo. It is a recipe for a great Lolcow.

I think I figured out what the deal is with “Mylesball”. Mylesball is not basketball, it is him doing his shooting drills. He doesn’t even like real basketball. He only likes Minesweeper and Mylesball.

If you notice, Myles does not play any multiplayer game. He prefers games with a strictly controlled environment. That is where he thrives. Basketball is too chaotic, way too many uncontrolled variables for him. Then there is the social aspect that comes into play.

I don’t doubt he did play basketball when he was younger and was quite good. It was probably very tough for him though considering his conditions. I think the tendinitis and dark secret thing manifested when things became too uncomfortable for him. That was his way out of basketball and back into his comfort zone.

Mylesball is not basketball, it is him doing his shooting drills. He doesn’t even like real basketball.
Real basketball involves uncontrollable variables and suboptimal conditions, like other players. This is completely what I'd expect of a speedrunner engaging with things that are not video games. He'd probably make a great bowler.


Help. R*pe.
Myles MBC ~ Mylesball - Exhibition #5 Valley Freestyle #1
Looking at how he moves and his actual control of a ball I think if he was on a team he'd actually do fairly well. There's special needs teams that like having people like him around because he's competent and has the cognitive levels to lead a team on the court, but even then I don't know the extent of his social delays and he could possibly do really well in a recreational league. I think one of the issues would be him being too hard on himself if he loses or his team isn't doing good, but he'd have team mates that could remind him that its just for fun.


True & Honest Fan
I know Myles seems to be active over weekend with his vids and checked his channel. Nothing new as yet, but this one was from 5 days ago which wasn't in the thread. I am not bothering to archive it. All it would prove if he ever did chimp out and do a DFE is that he sure shoots a mean basketball.


Help. R*pe.
>make lolcow thread for ShadowOfMyles
>not posting vid related

Yes it's really him. If you go to the discussion tab on KnightedFool's channel Myles made a post acknowledging it's him.

For the record, I have nothing against Myles. I found his videos from GameFAQs way back in 2008.
Well... did not expect that today... Thanks for sharing. In terms of what Myles has been up to:
I honestly have no idea? He hasn't posted since late February anywhere really so I hope he's okay and he gets his site up and running. I've had this issue for a few days.
Most autists/aspies/severe obsessive compulsives/etc always seem to end up obsessing over some topic and doing it repetitively for years and years and years on end. The most obvious example of course is speedrunning. This guy though seems to be one of the luckiest, as his obsession with speedrunning was seemingly (thankfully for him) redirected into working out and playing mylesball. Hell, if he didn't make these videos and had slightly better social skills, he may have ended up playing for some basketball team and nobody would ever know that he's on the spectrum. Maybe he would've been the next Michael Jordan.

And that makes me wonder: how many people, which we may call workaholics or fitness freaks or just very dedicated to some craft, are actually just obsessive autists that randomly ended up obsessing over working or sports instead of speedrunning? Who knows where Tony Hawk would've ended up if nobody had introduced him to skating for example.


Yello Mello Custard. Dripping From A Dead Dogs Eye
Most autists/aspies/severe obsessive compulsives/etc always seem to end up obsessing over some topic and doing it repetitively for years and years and years on end. The most obvious example of course is speedrunning. This guy though seems to be one of the luckiest, as his obsession with speedrunning was seemingly (thankfully for him) redirected into working out and playing mylesball. Hell, if he didn't make these videos and had slightly better social skills, he may have ended up playing for some basketball team and nobody would ever know that he's on the spectrum. Maybe he would've been the next Michael Jordan.

And that makes me wonder: how many people, which we may call workaholics or fitness freaks or just very dedicated to some craft, are actually just obsessive autists that randomly ended up obsessing over working or sports instead of speedrunning? Who knows where Tony Hawk would've ended up if nobody had introduced him to skating for example.

Myles is on that top tier of Autismo, along with Jenfer Jay and Erik Morchek. It's just dreams. Sleepy Dreams.
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