Artcow Norman Boutin and "Empress Theresa" -

[RP 520]

I bring you Norman Boutin, author of Empress Theresa. He is a "Christian" writer who believes himself to be the next Hemmingway.

His masterpiece, as he calls it is a book called "Empress Theresa", a 400 page book that he started in 1974 and took 19 years to write. It's apparently about a Mary Sue who gains god-like powers and uses them to take over the world and make world peace, god fits in somehow. Reviews state that this book is a poorly written, a hard to follow rough draft at best. He also does his own cover art:

Since the completion of the book, Norman has been trying to sell it, convinced that it will one day become a masterpiece that will be read everywhere. So far his efforts have fallen short. Norman also has a tendency to reply and rant at everyone who critiques him or his book, trying valiantly to defend his writing and cover art while using various user names. It should also be noted that Norman goes into disturbing detail about how scantly dressed Theresa is as well as focusing on her bosom and figure. Norman is, according to his CAF profile, 63 years old, Theresa is 10 to 18 in the book.

Here is the official site of his book:
http://www.empresstheresa.com/home

Here are some places he's graced with his presence:

Catholic Answers Forum Profile
Amazon Profile
A Commentary on his book, Norman Boutin visits the comments section
Here he attempts to defend his book cover
TV Tropes page on Empress Theresa (Mandatory TV Tropes Warning)

Edit: I made a misquote, so here are some actual quotes from the book and the author:

"Theresa resists the greatest temptation of all. She has the power to make the world all hers. She leaves it alone."

"She solves a series of "impossible" problems and becomes the most important person on Earth."

"My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined."

"I had a green figure skater's outfit covered with sparkling sequins and embroidery. Nobody had ever seen me in it. I tried it on. It had one of those ridiculously short skirts that didn't seem worth putting on. My legs were exposed on both sides up to the hips, there was no back and not much front. So now Steve was free to look all he wanted."

"A girl as fine as Theresa can be found in any high school. You know one."

 

[Wilhelm]

but is his writing worse than tj's?

 

[Locksnap]

The link to the blog where he argues in the comments really hits home how crazy this motherfucker is. His website conjuring up spectres of Timecube doesn't help either.

but is his writing worse than tj's?

Personally, I'd say so. TJs capable of including a measure of wit in what he does, this guy is all mad babble.

 

[EI 903]

Read one of the samples. That was brutal. I'd rather read TJ, Gloria Tesch, or even Jace.

 

[OtterParty]

Theresa looks exactly like Pixyteri and I would not write self-insert wet dream sex fics about her

 

[Shokew]

The TV Tropes summary was enough for me to want nothing to do with this guy. Hell, the usually untrustworthy Amazon comments only strengthen that opinion of mine... So far.

It definitely doesn't help this guy's case that he is arguing with people on Amazon who are right about his product being shitty... Seriously, you're only digging yourself into a hole when you argue with people who think your product is shitty - for over 100+ comments worth of time and energy.

It also doesn't help that I find reading reviews on this book at Amazon are more entertaining, but that's a given...

 

[GREEDY FIREMAN]

So his Mary Sue is also his waifu?

 

[Total Dingus]

His arguments with reviewers tend to sometimes also turn up gold nuggets such as this: "I really have to admit, the reason I’m so defensive of Empress Theresa is because I never had a date in my life, and so Theresa is the only girl who will ever love me."

You have to read the full comments. The blog's author and moderator made that part up.

"For the record, bold type is where I changed his ramblings into something amusing."

 

[Shokew]

This comment on Amazon only digs this grave further for me... After reading those comments on Amazon about the book, that is.

First of all, I read as much of this book's sample as I could stomach. It's wretched.

This is (purportedly) an adult man attempting to write in the voice of a young girl. It reads like an adult man trying to write in the voice of a young girl. Evidently he thinks ten year old girls speak in short, choppy, awkward, irritating sentences. Nothing about this first person narration rings true.

Now, let's get to the spam. Norman is leaving comments under other customers' successful reviews. In those comments he links to his book and leaves lengthy excerpts. This is not allowed under Amazon terms of service, is unethical, is unbelievably annoying, and moreover, is just needy and pathetic behavior.

Not everyone is either a writer or a competent marketer. Maybe this guy should try gardening as a hobby.

Note: I came across this book through the author's reported spam. Evidently that's not working out too well. Karma. Also, notice who the 5 star review is by: Yep, the author. LOL Also against Amazon's rules. Don't get confused if you read this and his 5 star review is not there. I'll be reporting it and odds are good it will be deleted quickly.

I think it's become common knowledge by now that someone like this is desperate enough to sell their shit, thinking it doesn't stink hard, of course someone like him would write a 5 - Star review of their story.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Oh, God, the things I've seen. The things I've done...

 

[Halberd Sonichu]

This is a very sad man. the only woman who would ever love him is fake and made by him. Just Pathetic.

 

[Henry Bemis]

That cover is like a picture from the saddest Take Your Daughter to Work Day ever.

Crap, what if Theresa is a tangled knot of pseudo-incestuous garble a la Crystal Weston Chandler?

 

[RP 520]

You have to read the full comments. The blog's author and moderator made that part up.

"For the record, bold type is where I changed his ramblings into something amusing."

Sorry, I'll change it. That's what I get for making a thread at 3 in the morning.

Though if you read some of his shit on Theresa, the made up quote might as well be true. I'll add some actual quotes from the story provided from the tropes page.

I also find it hilariously ironic that Theresa is like an Anti-Christ.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

I kind of like the first cover, it has this kitchy avant-garde sort of thing going on that really works with the "utterly insane author" theme.

 

[Watermelon1337]

Too many stories have main characters with serious flaws. It is the 'politically correct' thing to do. Writing teachers say the characters have to have serious flaws. All right, but what does that teach us about how to live if you don't have serious flaw? Not much, in my opinion.

...What?

 

[Handsome Pete]

Too many stories have main characters with serious flaws. It is the 'politically correct' thing to do. Writing teachers say the characters have to have serious flaws. All right, but what does that teach us about how to live if you don't have serious flaw? Not much, in my opinion.

...What?

Jeez, for a second I thought I had stumbled into the SJW thread, and they'd started using "politically correct" as an insult. But nope, it's some guy coming from a completely different starting point and reaching the same conclusion.

That conclusion? Stories should provide wish fulfillment and moral instruction in equal measure, and he's totally qualified to do it. Hell, that might be the Grand Unifying Theory of Lolcows.

His masterpiece, as he calls it is a book called "Empress Theresa", a 400 page book that he started in 1974

Is that a typo, or has he seriously been at this for 40 years? I think I just found some weekend reading.

 

[RP 520]

Norman enters a Jewish forum, shills his book out and proceeds to talk about a part where she has the Jews evacuate Israel and tries to defend it. You can imagine the results:

http://www.hashkafah.com/index.php?/topic/71924-empress-theresa-helps-israel-evacuate/

Not paranormal. I don't believe in any paranormal events. I have three college degrees in the sciences, thank you. The book gives detailed explanations of how the entity works, unlike some books that accept impossibilities like time travel and alternate universes with no explanation. I treat my readers like intelligent people.

Is that a typo, or has he seriously been at this for 40 years? I think I just found some weekend reading.

Yes, quoted from his facebook:

Empress Theresa: a novel about an 18 year old girl with power over the entire world.
Forget Hitler. Forget Napolean. Theresa is "the man" !

I've been working on this book since 1974, and am currently looking for a literary agent.

and it took him 19 years to complete. I'm guessing after that he's spend his entire time trying to convince people to buy the book and being convinced that one day his book will be the next Romeo and Juliet and that his name will rival Shakespeare.

He also has a creepy view of Joan de Arc and portrays her as he does Theresa:

When Joan was captured the English led her on a long winding journey through Northern France, as if they didn't know what to do with her, finally ending up in Rouen on Christmas eve.

One of the towns they passed through was on the coast of the English Channel. Joan must have gotten her first and only glimpse of the sea.

It was already known that there was an India and China far to the East. Here, Joan could see that Europe was not the whole world, but that the world was many times larger than she had imagined, because on the other side of this immense sea she was looking at there had to be more lands and more peoples. I like to think she suspected that what she had done for France would become known in, and have effects in, that larger world.

 

[Slowboat to China]

Too many stories have main characters with serious flaws. It is the 'politically correct' thing to do. Writing teachers say the characters have to have serious flaws. All right, but what does that teach us about how to live if you don't have serious flaw? Not much, in my opinion.

This depresses me unutterably.

No, real writing teachers do not say characters have to have 'serious flaws.' If you've encountered one like that, you're probably not going to have a good time. (Insert South Park meme.) They say characters shouldn't be perfect. Perfect characters are the last word in utterly unrealistic, and if you have someone who always does the right thing and makes the right decision (leaving aside the question of author intent possibly creating a pseudo-perfect character who's actually a horror, a la Anita Blake), there's no conflict. Your story will have the vim and vigor of low-fat mozzarella.

He also seems to fall into the classic SJW trap of thinking someone can't relate to or enjoy a character who isn't like them. God forbid we be forced to read about well-rounded characters who don't mirror Norman's obvious perfection.

Also, stay the hell away from Joan of Arc. She had to put up enough without adding your creepy butt into the mix.

 

[Billy_Sama]

I bring you Norman Boutin, author of Empress Theresa. He is a "Christian" writer who believes himself to be the next Hemmingway.

It should also be noted that Norman goes into disturbing detail about how scantly dressed Theresa is as well as focusing on her bosom and figure. Norman is, according to his CAF profile, 63 years old, Theresa is 10 to 18 in the book.

What a shining exemplar of Christian values and decency.

 

[RP 520]

What a shining exemplar of Christian values and decency.

Yeah I've noticed that he jumps around with the age a lot, one description he says she's 10, then another she's 18, in another she's 22.