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Artcow Norman Boutin and "Empress Theresa"

Discussion in 'Lolcows' started by King n Yellow, Dec 31, 2014.

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  1. I bring you Norman Boutin, author of Empress Theresa. He is a "Christian" writer who believes himself to be the next Hemmingway.

    His masterpiece, as he calls it is a book called "Empress Theresa", a 400 page book that he started in 1974 and took 19 years to write. It's apparently about a Mary Sue who gains god-like powers and uses them to take over the world and make world peace, god fits in somehow. Reviews state that this book is a poorly written, a hard to follow rough draft at best. He also does his own cover art:
    Aug14-6_-finalcover.24164342_std.jpg KINDLE_cover.105122303_std.jpg
    Since the completion of the book, Norman has been trying to sell it, convinced that it will one day become a masterpiece that will be read everywhere. So far his efforts have fallen short. Norman also has a tendency to reply and rant at everyone who critiques him or his book, trying valiantly to defend his writing and cover art while using various user names. It should also be noted that Norman goes into disturbing detail about how scantly dressed Theresa is as well as focusing on her bosom and figure. Norman is, according to his CAF profile, 63 years old, Theresa is 10 to 18 in the book.

    Here is the official site of his book:

    Here are some places he's graced with his presence:

    Catholic Answers Forum Profile
    Amazon Profile
    A Commentary on his book, Norman Boutin visits the comments section
    Here he attempts to defend his book cover
    TV Tropes page on Empress Theresa (Mandatory TV Tropes Warning)

    Edit: I made a misquote, so here are some actual quotes from the book and the author:

    "Theresa resists the greatest temptation of all. She has the power to make the world all hers. She leaves it alone."

    "She solves a series of "impossible" problems and becomes the most important person on Earth."

    "My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined."

    "I had a green figure skater's outfit covered with sparkling sequins and embroidery. Nobody had ever seen me in it. I tried it on. It had one of those ridiculously short skirts that didn't seem worth putting on. My legs were exposed on both sides up to the hips, there was no back and not much front. So now Steve was free to look all he wanted."

    "A girl as fine as Theresa can be found in any high school. You know one."
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    #1 King n Yellow, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
    King n Yellow

    True & Honest Fan

  2. but is his writing worse than tj's?
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    Wilhelm Silverhaired Creep

  3. The link to the blog where he argues in the comments really hits home how crazy this motherfucker is. His website conjuring up spectres of Timecube doesn't help either.
    Personally, I'd say so. TJs capable of including a measure of wit in what he does, this guy is all mad babble.
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    True & Honest Fan

  4. Read one of the samples. That was brutal. I'd rather read TJ, Gloria Tesch, or even Jace.
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    Hellblazer Everything has its time and everything dies.
    True & Honest Fan Retired Staff

  5. Theresa looks exactly like Pixyteri and I would not write self-insert wet dream sex fics about her
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    OtterParty I shall crush your skull like a clam on my tummy
    True & Honest Fan

  6. The TV Tropes summary was enough for me to want nothing to do with this guy. Hell, the usually untrustworthy Amazon comments only strengthen that opinion of mine... So far.

    It definitely doesn't help this guy's case that he is arguing with people on Amazon who are right about his product being shitty... Seriously, you're only digging yourself into a hole when you argue with people who think your product is shitty - for over 100+ comments worth of time and energy.

    It also doesn't help that I find reading reviews on this book at Amazon are more entertaining, but that's a given...
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    #6 Shokew, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014

    Shokew Trial by Fire! Trial by Fire!

  7. So his Mary Sue is also his waifu?
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    GREEDY FIREMAN Archive.is is your comrade
    True & Honest Fan

  8. You have to read the full comments. The blog's author and moderator made that part up.

    "For the record, bold type is where I changed his ramblings into something amusing."
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  9. This comment on Amazon only digs this grave further for me... After reading those comments on Amazon about the book, that is.
    I think it's become common knowledge by now that someone like this is desperate enough to sell their shit, thinking it doesn't stink hard, of course someone like him would write a 5 - Star review of their story.
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    Shokew Trial by Fire! Trial by Fire!

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    Henry Bemis

    Henry Bemis Irony: Not even once.
    Retired Staff

  10. This is a very sad man. the only woman who would ever love him is fake and made by him. Just Pathetic.
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    Halberd Sonichu

    Halberd Sonichu JUST FEELING SUPER!

  11. That cover is like a picture from the saddest Take Your Daughter to Work Day ever.

    Crap, what if Theresa is a tangled knot of pseudo-incestuous garble a la Crystal Weston Chandler?
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    Henry Bemis

    Henry Bemis Irony: Not even once.
    Retired Staff

  12. Sorry, I'll change it. That's what I get for making a thread at 3 in the morning.

    Though if you read some of his shit on Theresa, the made up quote might as well be true. I'll add some actual quotes from the story provided from the tropes page.

    I also find it hilariously ironic that Theresa is like an Anti-Christ.
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    #13 King n Yellow, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
    King n Yellow

    True & Honest Fan

  13. I kind of like the first cover, it has this kitchy avant-garde sort of thing going on that really works with the "utterly insane author" theme.
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    MerriedxReldnahc World's Okay-est Proctologist
    True & Honest Fan

  14. ...What?
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    McRascal Full body handjob

  15. Jeez, for a second I thought I had stumbled into the SJW thread, and they'd started using "politically correct" as an insult. But nope, it's some guy coming from a completely different starting point and reaching the same conclusion.

    That conclusion? Stories should provide wish fulfillment and moral instruction in equal measure, and he's totally qualified to do it. Hell, that might be the Grand Unifying Theory of Lolcows.
    Is that a typo, or has he seriously been at this for 40 years? I think I just found some weekend reading.
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    Handsome Pete

    Handsome Pete If you need me, I'm probably in Movie Night
    True & Honest Fan

  16. Norman enters a Jewish forum, shills his book out and proceeds to talk about a part where she has the Jews evacuate Israel and tries to defend it. You can imagine the results:


    Yes, quoted from his facebook:

    and it took him 19 years to complete. I'm guessing after that he's spend his entire time trying to convince people to buy the book and being convinced that one day his book will be the next Romeo and Juliet and that his name will rival Shakespeare.

    He also has a creepy view of Joan de Arc and portrays her as he does Theresa:

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    #17 King n Yellow, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
    King n Yellow

    True & Honest Fan

  17. This depresses me unutterably.

    No, real writing teachers do not say characters have to have 'serious flaws.' If you've encountered one like that, you're probably not going to have a good time. (Insert South Park meme.) They say characters shouldn't be perfect. Perfect characters are the last word in utterly unrealistic, and if you have someone who always does the right thing and makes the right decision (leaving aside the question of author intent possibly creating a pseudo-perfect character who's actually a horror, a la Anita Blake), there's no conflict. Your story will have the vim and vigor of low-fat mozzarella.

    He also seems to fall into the classic SJW trap of thinking someone can't relate to or enjoy a character who isn't like them. God forbid we be forced to read about well-rounded characters who don't mirror Norman's obvious perfection.

    Also, stay the hell away from Joan of Arc. She had to put up enough without adding your creepy butt into the mix.
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    Slowboat to China

    Slowboat to China Drinking Toilet Duck

  18. What a shining exemplar of Christian values and decency.
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    Billy_Sama ♂Love and Muscle in Heaven♂

  19. Yeah I've noticed that he jumps around with the age a lot, one description he says she's 10, then another she's 18, in another she's 22.
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    King n Yellow

    True & Honest Fan

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