Come on, you all know the tunes...
FAILYTALE OF NEW YORK
(Dedicated to Cecily Kellogg)
It was Christmas Eve babe
On the Internet
An old man said to me,
All the good cows are gone.
And I saw a thread featured
About this huge hambeast,
I clicked right on it,
it seemed to contain you.
You're as big as a bus
And you're covered in mould
And your sushi deliveries
Never get old
When I first saw your thread
On a cold winter's eve
I knew then that much lulz
Were waiting for me
You were lardsome, you were shitty
Fattest bird in the city
With your pointless pink hair
And your massive fupa
Charlie was snoring
Your blogposts were boring
You passed out in the corner
And neglected your kid
The boys and girls of Kiwi Farms
Were shouting, "CECILAY!"
As the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day
You're a mooch, you're a drunk
You're an old slut on junk
With your pop tart drawer
And e-begging habit
You scumbag, you maggot
Your husband's a faggot
Merry Christmas my arse
I pray God it's your last!
I could not give a shiny shite
If you think this is A-logging
As the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day
You could have been someone
But, so could anyone
You took Tori's dreams from her
At that pointless woo-woo school
You spent her child benefits
On Macbooks and mommy blogging
Won't make it on her own
She's fucked because of you.
And the boys and girls of Kiwi Farms
Still singing, "CECILAY!"
And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day.
SAMMY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY
(Dedicated to Samuel Collingwood Smith)
Are you getting out your "too too" for God Long?
Are you possessed of a really tiny dong?
Do you drive a crapped out Kia?
Were you cucked hard by Null's aunt?
Are you still posting your daft political rants?
(Refrain)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
Are you filing lolsuits against usernames?
Are you reviewing really autismal games?
Did your old man never tell you,
Evanescence was the best,
And to lay your paedo-slandering to rest?
(Refrain)
What will you hope to do
When you see Nully kissing Santa Claus?
Ah ha haaaa!
Are you getting out your "too too" for God Long?
Are you gonna get all butthurt 'bout this song?
Does it still rattle your box
That you don't have Dynastia's dox?
And that every day in every way you're wrong?
(Refrain)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
(IIIIITS VOOOOOOORDRAAAAAAAK!!!!!!)
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
BEYONCÉ BABY
(Dedicated to Kevin Allred)
Beyoncé Baby,
Slip it to me under the tree, for me
Been an awful good boy
Beyoncé Baby
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
Can't you see that I'm super woke, no joke
I'm one of the good ones
Beyoncé Baby
Follow me on Tumblr tonight!
Think of all the jobs I've missed,
Think of all the Trump Trolls I've gotten pissed,
I haven't learned to do as I wished,
But at least I don't fap to Taylor Swift!
Beyoncé Senpai,
I'd love a backstage pass to your show, ho ho
Please sign my copy of Lemonade
Beyoncé Baby
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
Don't listen to Taylor Swift the bitch, that witch
She's nowhere near as political as you
Beyoncé Baby,
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
I've got all your tour t-shirts, and worse
"Formation" is my ring tone
Beyoncé Baby,
Slither down my penis tonight!
Come and rate my college course,
Marvel at my intellectual discourse,
Tell me I'm right, to burn that flag
And that I wasn't being a virtue signalling fag
Beyoncé Baby,
Have a sniff of my chloroform, it's warm
I'll put you there in my car's boot
Beyoncé Baby,
Let's get back to my place tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
I forgot to mention one little thing, the ring
That I liked so much I put on you.
Beyoncé Baby,
You'll never escape my clutches tonight!
(Or any night)
THE BROWN FLAG
(Dedicated to Philip V. Haskins-Delici, Chairwoman of the People's Republic of Australatina, where they don't celebrate Christmas as it's a bourgeois tradition but The Red Flag is to the tune of "O Tannenbaum" so this counts, fuck you)
The Potato Flag is strangely brown
It's where our Chairwoman laid down
And though the bridge was dark and cold
Her ass juice spread to every fold!
(Refrain)
Then raise the trans-spud standard high!
Australatina, do or die!
Though exes flinch and cis scum fear,
We'll keep the Brown Flag flying here!
It flew when we punched our mothers
And stuffed stem ginger up our lovers
It flew when we fanboyed Chairman Mao
We will not change its colour now!
It recalls the struggles and houseless pain
The phones of Kiwis thrown down the drain
The home invasions thwarted by its might,
The fact I own my very own bike!
With head uncovered swear we all,
To keep the Brown Flag on the wall
At least until Slingblade says
It's getting in his booze's way!
I have some more on the way, including ones about Chris, Greta, Purple Aki, and more.
FAILYTALE OF NEW YORK
(Dedicated to Cecily Kellogg)
It was Christmas Eve babe
On the Internet
An old man said to me,
All the good cows are gone.
And I saw a thread featured
About this huge hambeast,
I clicked right on it,
it seemed to contain you.
You're as big as a bus
And you're covered in mould
And your sushi deliveries
Never get old
When I first saw your thread
On a cold winter's eve
I knew then that much lulz
Were waiting for me
You were lardsome, you were shitty
Fattest bird in the city
With your pointless pink hair
And your massive fupa
Charlie was snoring
Your blogposts were boring
You passed out in the corner
And neglected your kid
The boys and girls of Kiwi Farms
Were shouting, "CECILAY!"
As the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day
You're a mooch, you're a drunk
You're an old slut on junk
With your pop tart drawer
And e-begging habit
You scumbag, you maggot
Your husband's a faggot
Merry Christmas my arse
I pray God it's your last!
I could not give a shiny shite
If you think this is A-logging
As the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day
You could have been someone
But, so could anyone
You took Tori's dreams from her
At that pointless woo-woo school
You spent her child benefits
On Macbooks and mommy blogging
Won't make it on her own
She's fucked because of you.
And the boys and girls of Kiwi Farms
Still singing, "CECILAY!"
And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day.
SAMMY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY
(Dedicated to Samuel Collingwood Smith)
Are you getting out your "too too" for God Long?
Are you possessed of a really tiny dong?
Do you drive a crapped out Kia?
Were you cucked hard by Null's aunt?
Are you still posting your daft political rants?
(Refrain)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
Are you filing lolsuits against usernames?
Are you reviewing really autismal games?
Did your old man never tell you,
Evanescence was the best,
And to lay your paedo-slandering to rest?
(Refrain)
What will you hope to do
When you see Nully kissing Santa Claus?
Ah ha haaaa!
Are you getting out your "too too" for God Long?
Are you gonna get all butthurt 'bout this song?
Does it still rattle your box
That you don't have Dynastia's dox?
And that every day in every way you're wrong?
(Refrain)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
So here he is, Matthew Hopkins!
Jesus Christ, what a sped!
(IIIIITS VOOOOOOORDRAAAAAAAK!!!!!!)
Look to the future now,
He's gonna shit the bed! (again!)
BEYONCÉ BABY
(Dedicated to Kevin Allred)
Beyoncé Baby,
Slip it to me under the tree, for me
Been an awful good boy
Beyoncé Baby
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
Can't you see that I'm super woke, no joke
I'm one of the good ones
Beyoncé Baby
Follow me on Tumblr tonight!
Think of all the jobs I've missed,
Think of all the Trump Trolls I've gotten pissed,
I haven't learned to do as I wished,
But at least I don't fap to Taylor Swift!
Beyoncé Senpai,
I'd love a backstage pass to your show, ho ho
Please sign my copy of Lemonade
Beyoncé Baby
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
Don't listen to Taylor Swift the bitch, that witch
She's nowhere near as political as you
Beyoncé Baby,
Slither down my penis tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
I've got all your tour t-shirts, and worse
"Formation" is my ring tone
Beyoncé Baby,
Slither down my penis tonight!
Come and rate my college course,
Marvel at my intellectual discourse,
Tell me I'm right, to burn that flag
And that I wasn't being a virtue signalling fag
Beyoncé Baby,
Have a sniff of my chloroform, it's warm
I'll put you there in my car's boot
Beyoncé Baby,
Let's get back to my place tonight!
Beyoncé Baby,
I forgot to mention one little thing, the ring
That I liked so much I put on you.
Beyoncé Baby,
You'll never escape my clutches tonight!
(Or any night)
THE BROWN FLAG
(Dedicated to Philip V. Haskins-Delici, Chairwoman of the People's Republic of Australatina, where they don't celebrate Christmas as it's a bourgeois tradition but The Red Flag is to the tune of "O Tannenbaum" so this counts, fuck you)
The Potato Flag is strangely brown
It's where our Chairwoman laid down
And though the bridge was dark and cold
Her ass juice spread to every fold!
(Refrain)
Then raise the trans-spud standard high!
Australatina, do or die!
Though exes flinch and cis scum fear,
We'll keep the Brown Flag flying here!
It flew when we punched our mothers
And stuffed stem ginger up our lovers
It flew when we fanboyed Chairman Mao
We will not change its colour now!
It recalls the struggles and houseless pain
The phones of Kiwis thrown down the drain
The home invasions thwarted by its might,
The fact I own my very own bike!
With head uncovered swear we all,
To keep the Brown Flag on the wall
At least until Slingblade says
It's getting in his booze's way!
I have some more on the way, including ones about Chris, Greta, Purple Aki, and more.
