Opening Post 101 - How to make threads that will not get locked by Moderators

SunLightStreak

Elite Illuminati Task Force Agent for Cow Control
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Original Post(Opening Post) 101 – How to make threads that will not get locked by Moderators or get you ridiculed by our loving community

A major part of KiwiFarms is the threads in the Lolcow threads and subforums. We rely on our large membership pool to find and collect information on potential people of interest and groups. The internet is a big place; it is impossible for us to find everything. A great defining virtue of KiwiFarms is its varied user base who have a wide array of interests and social circles. It allows us to have a greater reach than any site on the internet that documents lolcows and people of interest.

The OP(Original Post or Opening Post) is the starting point of any thread. A weak OP dooms a thread and its writer from the start. Yes, I said the writer as well. People judge you as a person here by what you say. Remember, if you write a weak OP; it reflects negatively on you. People have been chased off the site quite often for routinely writing bad OP’s. To many of us, it can be our first impression of you as a member. The purpose of this thread is to show you how to avoid this happening to you.

Recent examples of a very recent backfired OP:
Crusher Pickles.jpg


1.) Answer a series of basic questions. When you think you have a person of interest, there are a series of very simple questions you can use to make sure your thread is both useful and successful.

Question Number 1.) Why is the person interesting? Why should your fellow kiwi’s find them interesting? Can you simply and effectively explain why they are funny?

This is your first chance to draw in your fellow members. You are giving each of them a chance to see the same thing you have, to enjoy a topic of discussion with you. This sets the tenor of the thread. This is the hook and the place you can define the opening narrative on your cow. Also remember that the title is very important for this too. Put your hook as succinctly as possible in your title. A number of good cows got ignored because their titles were vague and unhelpful.

Every cow has a hook and a simple idea that makes them a real life sitcom or comedy movie.

Examples:

Taxman – Grown man trying to drug himself to a fantasy land from a little girl’s merchandising cartoon. Posts videos about this along with conspiracy theories and tulpa conversations.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/taxman.11235/

Cool Dude Clem – Young man who makes very strange youtube videos with fecal animation and almost burning/electrocuting/etc himself to death on jury rigged kludges.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/cooldudeclem.1876/

Whitemenfartinmyface – Flamboyantly gay black man who has an open fetish for white people farting in his face. Creates ridiculous videos of himself discussing said topic.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/whiteguys-fartinmyface.13553/

ADF – Homeless Christorical figure who consistently fails himself to laughable extremes with a cultural appropriation, suicide attempts, hilarious temper tantrums, and racist/sexist/Marxist/etc rants that embarrass any cause he supports to the point of them wanting to often and embarrassingly disown him.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/ahuviya-harel-adf-phillip-v-haskins-delici.681/

Pixteri – Very large white woman who dresses in questionably small anime cosplay outfits and posts very embarrassing photos of herself in said clothing.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/pixyteri-thread-2.4073/

Fatman – Very obese white man who posts videos of himself eating large amounts of food, relishes in his staggering obesity, and producing embarrassing videos of himself.
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/fatman-augh-yeah-folks.1358/

Question Number 2.) Do you have any examples of the cow in action or any background? Videos, Posts, Screencaps, Links to other accounts, aliases, archived pages(very necessary if they are the type to DELETE EVERYTHING), or other info that gives us an insight and understanding of who they are.

Give us examples of the cow in action. Details help. Remember someone else can use this info to conduct more research on the cow and deepen your thread. A thread is a collaborative effort. Each of us helps to provide insight, commentary and more info about the person of interest. Laying all your cards on the table helps us to help you and make the thread even stronger.

Remember to archive and screencap items that could be potentially deleted. When people find out they have become noticed by our site, they often try to minimize the damage by erasing their history. Below is an example of a great thread on archival techniques.

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/archival-tools.6561/

Question Number 3.) Do you know what triggers or annoys them? How do they respond to being trolled? This is a major factor. If they are the type to just shut out the world when they are trolled, then you may need to take extra steps to preserve their content and limit their exposure to I HAVE AUTISM PLEASE LAUGH AT ME. Do they engage the trolls and get angry in the exchanges? Document it and preserve it.

This is one of the most important aspects to consider in any person of interest. It governs our stance in documenting them and engaging them. If they are the type that will stop producing content if they discover there is a thread about them – make it very clear.

How a cow reacts to trolling plays a major part in the methods of engagement and content gathering.

2.) Learn from successful thread makers. The other method you can use is looking at threads created by successful members and not so successful members.

Smutley Thread (Funny as hell and detailed as hell.)
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/zhane-brooks.10117/

Le Bateluer Thread (Info packed and informative)
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/daphny-drucilla-delight-david-scenester-blogger-game-developer.13618/

Cat Thread (Very Economical with words, but filled with choice vids. No overflood of content just pure funny and destructive data)
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/shareable-kylie-brooks.10316/

Dollarhuvia Thread (A thread that got a lot of attention off site because of how well the OP started the discussion)
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/jenny-mcdermott.14348/

Alan Pardew Thread (Informative, structured, funny, organized)
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/homerbeoulve-homer-garcia-beoulve-the-philippine-ggrevolt-who-e-begged-for-a-pc.4765/

A rare but well made Dynastia Effort Thread
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/mapdark-hugo-md-darque-janiceian1983.7727/

A series of failed threads:

Revenge/Personal Army Fail:https://kiwifarms.net/threads/master-xenanort-self-outing-kindom-hearts-sperg.9133/

Attention Seeking: https://kiwifarms.net/threads/i-declare-myself-a-lolcow.10303/

Attention seeking by proxy OP gone horrificly wrong(Wizzrobe using someone else in this case): https://kiwifarms.net/threads/wizzrobe-autist-artist-with-a-bionicle-fetish.9745/

Xalver Thread(He is the embodiment of bad OP personified): https://kiwifarms.net/threads/wwoec-toonphile-centeral.9547/

Example of a person posting an unrelated topic/person in a Cow Subforum (he became a cow later on): https://kiwifarms.net/threads/i-think-i-may-have-found-chris-soul-mate.6000/

More examples see spergatory - https://kiwifarms.net/forums/spergatory.9/

3.) Rule of Funny is Rule Number One. The last and important aspect of any lolcow thread is to remember the core purpose of this site. HUMOR is everything and Rule of Funny prevails. We are here to laugh at the eccentric, not rage at people. If you are raging at an idiot, you are the cow and they are your troll. Remember this in any thread you write or even post you make. Revenge threads always have a way of backfiring.
 
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AnOminous

FIST FUCK
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
There's also this recent disaster of a locked thread by @Joe Crusher Pickles:

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/alexander-cayford-the-bootleg-mrenter.14772/

Basically, first poster OP. This is almost always a bad idea, but this was staggeringly bad. First poster OP, starts out by comparing the sperg to Mr. Enter, who absolutely nobody gives a shit about. Then the article included way more videos than necessary and probably crashed browsers, and had no commentary at all other than a personal army request.

But he also used a name he uses elsewhere for porn shit and the thread almost instantly turned into being about him, as he is a diaperfur (sample from his dA https://archive.li/4I6EH ) and otherwise into fucked up shit including loli. And he's an art thief (dA https://archive.li/W9vYA ).

So if you have any sense of self-preservation, your first question before starting a thread should really be "am I a lolcow?" Because if you are, you're gonna have a bad time.
 

melty

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Nurturing your threads can also be really important. Part of why the polyamory and zayn Zaki threads are so good is because @Smutley and some others post interesting content every day. 95% of the users on here don't really go digging for content, they just comment on content that others post. So if you're serious about your thread, be prepared to provide new content.
 

José Mourinho

The Special One
Staff Member
Moderator
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I think this thread should be moved to the Lolcow subforum so that new users who join can read it before they can post a thread about their lolcows since they might don't read the Forum Discussion subforum.
 
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AnOminous

FIST FUCK
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
How about the first time they try to post, they get directed to this post, and are not allowed back to the posting screen until they answer a quiz about it, while the Nice Meme sound loops endlessly at top volume?
 

Clown Doll

His own Free Bitch
Staff Member
Community Admin
kiwifarms.net
Question Number 2.) Do you have any examples of the cow in action or any background? Videos, Posts, Screencaps, Links to other accounts, aliases, archived pages(very necessary if they are the type to DELETE EVERYTHING), or other info that gives us an insight and understanding of who they are.
Relating to this : if the only evidence of the cow chimping out is them raging at you, you might want to step back a little and ponder long and hard how you yourself come off in that conflict. There was a relatively recent example of someone starting a Personal Army deviantart thread, and the thread starter's conduct was more cringeworthy than the "cow's". People won't side with you by default just because you tattled about them to us first. Not only that, but it's good to be very careful when engaging with the cow on your 'main' accounts, that is, accounts in various services that you usually use. The aforementioned thread starter used his main account on Deviantart and it was easy to look through his favorites and lo'-they had hundreds of pages of weird MLP / Pregnancy fetish / Stevens Universe smut. If you can, try to distance yourself from personal engagements with the lolcow before presenting them, or have examples of them chimping out on people other than you.

 

Durable Mike Malloy

Fine &/or dandy.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net

SunLightStreak

Elite Illuminati Task Force Agent for Cow Control
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Why are there no examples of my threads, the epitome of quality OP's
You are funny as hell and I am going to be very honest with you. Only one person can post like you and act like you here without coming off as a raging tryhard dumbass - that person is you.

You made a thread around a year ago calling out people in disco for circle jerking.

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/all-of-you.3643/

It was brief and effective. Sadly when most people try to be you, they fail miserably to the point I will now tell them not to even try. You post to challenge the readers while a lot of people try to post like you to be accepted. I think it would be better to encourage people to aspire for more attainable role models through effort rather than aspire to be you and likely lacking the talent.
 
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yawning sneasel

Chadministrator
Staff Member
Community Admin
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
You are funny as hell and I am going to be very honest with you. Only one person can post like you and act like you here without coming off as a raging tryhard dumbass - that person is you.

You made a thread around a year ago calling out people in disco for circle jerking.

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/all-of-you.3643/

It was brief and effective. Sadly when most people try to be you, they fail miserably to the point I will now tell them not to even try. You post to challenge the readers while a lot of people try to post like you to be accepted. I think it would be better to encourage people to aspire for more attainable role models through effort rather than aspire to be you and likely lacking the talent.
If people are using posters on a message board dedicated to laughing at the exceptional as role models there is something seriously wrong with them.
 

SunLightStreak

Elite Illuminati Task Force Agent for Cow Control
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Shhhh

Im busy having my ego stroked
I am just stating a fact, man.

Everyone has different talents and abilities. I know I will never be as funny as you, Cat, Dynastia, Dr Meme, Smutley, Alan, Mauv, or a number of the other members of this forum. I just don't have the talent for it. So I am not going to try, I would look as stupid as some of the saddest tryhards here for doing so.

I suggest people be honest with themselves and who they are. If you cannot be funny, then exert effort to at least make a contribution of substance or demonstrating the talents you do have.
 

Strelok

Perfectly Cromulent Poster
kiwifarms.net
What takes real skill is starting massively autistic shitpost threads that turn kiwis into halal and only get locked after the damage is done.
Even better when it becomes a chain of trollshielding that results in like 3 or 4 users losing it. I'm hope we all know which thread I'm talking about. Mostly because I can't actually recall which it was about to begin with before fucking dogs happened.
 
H

HG 400

Guest
kiwifarms.net
You are funny as hell and I am going to be very honest with you. Only one person can post like you and act like you here without coming off as a raging tryhard dumbass - that person is you.

You made a thread around a year ago calling out people in disco for circle jerking.

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/all-of-you.3643/

It was brief and effective. Sadly when most people try to be you, they fail miserably to the point I will now tell them not to even try. You post to challenge the readers while a lot of people try to post like you to be accepted. I think it would be better to encourage people to aspire for more attainable role models through effort rather than aspire to be you and likely lacking the talent.
lol I just realised the guy who literally picked through Chris's garbage cans rated that thread 'autistic'. What a faggot!
 

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